Positive Parenting: A Practical and Sometimes Humorous Approach To Applying The Research In Your Home With Gender Inclusivity, Mutual Respect, and Empathy – and NO Spanking!

By John D Rich

We all want to be good people and good parents to our children. This is why I created my website, DrJohnRich.com, and why I wrote this book bundle (Positive Parenting, Practical Parenting, and How Did You Get Him To Eat That). My name is Dr. John D Rich, Jr. I am an educational psychologist and an associate professor of Psychology at Delaware State University, with expertise in effective parenting and teaching. I also have a lot of life experience to go along with my academic knowledge. My goal is to help you incorporate effective parenting and teaching practices with your children.

I was moved to write because I want to share what I know about my own life as an educator and a parent of two great boys, as well to share all of the high-quality research out there about effective parenting and education, using language and stories that would be accessible to a wide audience.

Most parents desire to raise well-behaved, successful children, and most educators desire to positively impact the students in their care. I am convinced that the effort you invest to understand and apply what we academics know about effective parenting can create exciting benefits for you and your children. It is my hope that this book bundle will be a resource for parents and educators to learn and discuss best practices that will help us all positively influence the next generation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Connection Victory Publishing Company
• Release date: Feb 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781643810133

John D Rich

As a psychologist, writer, and broadcaster, I am interested in helping people raise and influence great children. You can find me on my website, or listen to me on iTunes - just search “Dr. John’s Neighborhood.” I am available for online counseling sessions, and am always looking for guest writers and podcast guests who wish to share their stories.

Book preview

POSITIVE PARENTING

A Practical and Sometimes Humorous Approach To Applying The Research in Your Home With Gender Inclusivity, Mutual Respect and Empathy — and No Spanking!!

Dr. John D Rich, Jr.

Copyright 2018 by John D Rich, Jr., Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No portion nor the whole of this book may be reproduced or used whatsoever without written permission from the author or publisher except in the case of a brief quote included in reviews or critical articles. For information, write to the Publisher.

Title: Positive Parenting

Author: John D Rich, Jr., Ph.D.

Editor: Christy Williams

Cover Art: Ahmed Moghazy

Distribution: Smashwords

Ebook formatting: www.ebooklaunch.com

Publisher: Lasting Impact Press, an imprint of Connection Victory Publishing Company

Lisa M. Blacker, CEO & Publisher

P.O. Box 563, Pontiac, Illinois 61764-0563

e-mail: [e-mail]

website: www.connectionvictory.com

For information about special pricing for bulk purchases, please contact Connection Victory Publishing Company by U.S. mail, e-mail, or phone at 1-630-230-1103.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data provided by Five Rainbows Cataloging Services

Names: Rich, John D., author.

Title: Positive parenting : a practical and sometimes humorous approach to applying the research in your home / John D. Rich, Jr.

Description: Pontiac, IL : Lasting Impact Press, 2018.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018959033 | ISBN 978-1-64381-011-9 (paperback) | ISBN 978-1-64381-013-3 (ebook) | ISBN 978-1-64381-014-0 (PDF)

Subjects: LCSH: Parenting—Psychological aspects. | Parent and child. | Children—Conduct of life. | Discipline of children. | Families—Psychological aspects. | Educational psychology. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / General. | PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations.

Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .R51 2018 (print) | LCC HQ755.8 (ebook) | DDC 649/.1—dc23.

• • •

Accompanying workbook, Practical Parenting:

First softcover printing February 2019

ISBN-13: 978-1-64381-019-5

First e-book edition February 2019

ISBN-13:978-1-64381-020-1

Supplement: How Did You Get Him To Eat That?

First e-book edition July 2018

ISBN-13:978-1-64381-001-0

ASIN: B07DSRXX85

First softcover printing February 2019

ISBN-13: 978-1-64381-021-8

Table of Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Applying Research to the Practice of Parenting: Top 7 Positive Parenting Tips

What To Expect

A Special Note: Workbook

Chapter 1: Intentionality

Examples of Intentionality

The Science of Evaluation Applied to Your Parenting

Workbook Break 1.1

Communicate and Reinforce Goals

Workbook Break 1.2

Chapter 1 Recap

Chapter 2: Values, Virtues & Life Cycles

Building Courage and Competence

Workbook Break 2.1

Developing Courage and Honoring Sensitivity

Giving Your Children Permission To Emote, Regardless of Gender

Shaping Your Child Toward Success

The Importance of Gender-Free Parenting

Workbook Break 2.2

Teaching Empathy and Gratitude

Empathy: The Main Ingredient in Moral Courage

Workbook Break 2.3

Chapter 3: Tools: Your Child’s Needs for Limits and Nonviolent Punishment

Using Nonviolent Punishment To Teach Your Child How To Act

Workbook Break 3.1

A Brief Guide to Behaviorism

Workbook Break 3.2

Why I Don’t Spank My Children: A Lesson About Intentionality

The Importance of Consistency and Timing

A Case Study on How Punishment Encourages Cheating

Workbook Break 3.3

Chapter 4: Tools: Using Rewards and Praise To Build Up Your Child

How To Use Shaping To Give Us More Opportunities To Reward and Praise Our Children

Creating Mastery Experiences

Workbook Break 4

Positive Parenting Is More Effective Than Harsh Tactics

Chapter 5: Protecting Your Child: Predators and Bullies Need Not Apply

Protecting Your Child From Predators

Parenting Experts Chime In on Their Own Practices

Workbook Break 5.1

Protecting Your Child From Bullying

Workbook Break 5.2

Chapter 6: Bonding Experiences

Openness in Social Relationships

Workbook Break 6

Example of Bonding in Action: Traveling

Chapter 7: Your Relationship With Your Partner

Communication Is the Glue That Keeps Families Strong

Workbook Break 7.1

How Your Parents’ Relationship Influenced Your Future

Workbook Break 7.2

How Your Romantic Relationships Influence Your Child’s Future

Positive Parenting Tip

Are Two Parents Better Than One?

How Happy Couples and Distressed Couples Interact When They Argue

Conclusion

Citations

Bonus: Confronting Bias and Developing an Open Mind

Keep In Touch

Preface

When I was 4, 5, and 6 years old, my father’s mother came to live with us. I don’t remember much of anything about her, except for what she did when my parents went out, and I was left alone in her care. She would be perfectly pleasant while I was awake, but then, after I had fallen asleep, she would come quickly into the room and start hitting me with a belt. Sometimes, I would wake up from a sound sleep to the stinging feeling of that belt. Other times, some part of my subconscious would hear the turn of the bedroom door knob, waking me up to prepare for what I knew was coming. Most of the time, when I went into my room to sleep, I would just lie there awake, terrified.

It was around this time that I developed a bedwetting problem, which I now know can be a sign of anxiety. My parents, and some of my aunts and uncles on my father’s side, would sometimes spank me for it, I suppose thinking that they would punish the behavior away. Instead, my bedwetting (and the regular spankings that accompanied it) persisted until my grandmother moved out of the house.

My father and mother each had fairly horrific upbringings. My mother was regularly beaten by her father. My father’s father was an alcoholic police officer who used enlightened parenting tactics such as punching, burning my father with cigarettes, and once making him watch as he put a gun to my grandmother’s head and pulled the trigger—the gun wasn’t loaded.

When I was 9 years old, my father was laid off from his job, and sank into a deep depression that never lifted. I lost my father at that time. My mother did her best to keep the family together, going back to school and getting a job as a teacher, but she had lost her husband, and was overly stressed by our poverty. By the time I was a teenager, I felt like I was alone in the house. I briefly experimented with drugs and alcohol, but I was brought out of that sinkhole by religion and education. I put my nose into my books, got myself to church, and decided to take my life into my own hands.

Now, I am a grown man married to a fabulously intelligent and beautiful woman, Erin. I am the proud father of two incredible boys: Josiah, 14, and Jesse, 13.

When I became a parent, I experienced the normal panic: Oh my God! I’ve got this little baby, who needs me to take care of him. I couldn’t fully rely on my own upbringing to figure out how to be a good father, so I watched parents who had well-behaved children to gather information on child-rearing, and I immersed myself in the research. Academics like me have personal reasons for studying the things that we do. My research about parenting began as a quest to be a great daddy.

My name is Dr. John D Rich, Jr. I am an associate professor of psychology at Delaware State University. I earned my Ph.D. in educational psychology in 2004 from Temple University. Prior to that, I was a United Methodist minister for about six years.

My Mission for This Book

In my quest to learn as much as I could about being a good parent, I learned about something called the intergenerational transmission of parenting practices. This term refers to the tendency to raise our children using the same parenting techniques and strategies as the ones our own parents used on us. When I read about how commonplace this was, I realized that both of my parents tried very hard not to repeat the patterns of abuse that they experienced when they were raising me. I also realized that it was up to me to improve upon the parenting I received. Through it all, I believe that I have done a decent job, so far. My children are good students and athletes, and are kind and generous people.

Do I make mistakes? No.

Just kidding, of course, I do! Sometimes, I can feel myself getting angry about something, and I can hear my father in the background. (He hardly ever hit us, but he did know how to yell and criticize.) At times, I can hear my father’s way of talking to me come out of my own mouth. Most of the time, I can feel when my upset is taking over. I ask my wife to handle the situation, and I leave the room.

My experience as a parent, combined with my practice as a researcher, is something I want to share. The research about what good parenting looks like, what effective discipline is, and the importance of showing your child as much warmth and empathy as you can, is very consistent. That research has been instrumental in helping me to navigate the challenging and rewarding journey of parenting.

What I notice, however, is that most academic work, even though it can provide incredible insight into how we can all be better people in the world, is written only for academics! In addition to people from a non-academic background having a lack of access to the information, there is so much jargon in academic work that many people wouldn’t understand what they were reading if they had access.

Every profession works diligently to craft precise language to describe the key findings of that profession. Unfortunately, precision often leads to exclusion. Case in point: When parenting researchers talk about child self-efficacy, or a sense of agency, or intergenerational transmission, they are attempting to describe complex phenomena with concise phrases. The drawback is that people who are not part of the club of insiders don’t know what these terms mean. There will be times in this book when the fancy words are truly the best way to express what the research is trying to communicate. In those cases, I will attempt to define those terms, and layer in stories that exemplify them, so everyone who is motivated to learn can understand.

We all want to be good people and to be good parents to our children. This is why I created my website, DrJohnRich.com, and why I am writing this book. I have access to all sorts of current, relevant, and exciting research that can help you to become a better parent. I share it with you in this book and on my website.research and present it in a manner that is practical and accessible.

One practice of academia I maintained for this book is citations. When you see a number [in brackets], refer to the Citations section at the back of the book to find the source of the research. This serves the purpose of providing you, the reader, with more information, and it gives proper credit to the author of that research.

I have been given the chance to write for people who want to learn and grow. I am convinced that the effort you invest to understand and apply what we academics know about effective parenting can create exciting benefits for you and your children.

Acknowledgments

I wish to express my gratitude to my wife for her enduring support and care for my evolution as a human being; my two sons, who have taught me more about myself than I could ever learn on my own; my parents, who did the best they could with the hand they were dealt; my mother in particular, for loving me into confidence; Carol Robidoux for the amazing opportunity she gave me on her website, www.manchesterinklink.com, to share what I have learned and practiced in my career and in my home; the great Matt Connarton, for bringing me into the world of podcasting; Ms. Lisa M. Blacker, for giving me the opportunity to publish this book; my brother, Jim, for taking the initiative to bring us closer again, and my great friend, James Casiano for his salient advice.

Introduction

Applying Research to the Practice of Parenting:

Top 7 Positive Parenting Tips

There are seven main positive parenting tips that will be the focus of my attention in this book. Here is a brief synopsis of the most important strategies and techniques for being a great parent:

(1) Provide consistent, nonviolent discipline.

As I will argue throughout this book, reinforcements are far more effective than punishment. A veritable tome of research has demonstrated that punishment usually works only in the short term, while reinforcements can teach longer-lasting lessons. Beyond that, punishment that involves spanking, berating, or inflicting physical or psychological pain, breeds resentment and encourages cheating. In other words, a child who is punished in these harsh, unloving ways, is likely motivated to think about how he can get away with the same behavior in the future. Since the essence of effective parenting is to raise strong, successful children who can use the lessons we teach them for a lifetime, I want to encourage you to use techniques that help you achieve your goals as a parent.

(2) Reward and praise five times more than you discipline.

To that end, I encourage you, when you have to discipline your child (and you will need to use discipline), to communicate with him along the way. Explain to him why the behavior you are addressing is displeasing to you, and then brainstorm different things that your child could have done differently in the same situation, that would not have been punished. For example, if your daughter hits her brother because she is frustrated that her brother wouldn’t share his toy, explain why you don’t want her to use violence to express her frustration. Then, describe for her some things you do when you are frustrated that are socially appropriate (e.g. deep breaths, talking about your feelings with others, writing, punching an object). The very first time you see your child responding to frustration with one of these ideas, it’s time to stop what you are doing and reward and praise your child. Go heavy on the rewards and praise, and light on the punishments. Discipline is mainly an opportunity to teach, not to flex your muscles.

(3) Teach your child how to use words to communicate feelings and desires.

As a psychologist, it should be no surprise that I would encourage people to talk about their feelings. The field of psychology is built upon the premise that bringing our intangible emotions into the light with words can gradually take away some of the power of those feelings. Every child in the history of the world was born without any built-in understanding of how to use words to communicate feelings. It is up to you, through your words and actions, to teach your child how to do so. Your child’s stresses and upsets are all opportunities for you to grow closer in your relationship with your child.

When you show empathy for your child’s feelings, and share stories about your own life, you build the foundation upon which your child’s respect for your opinions and rules will rest. When I was about to become a father for the first time, I asked my father-in-law (my own father was deceased) what his advice was. He said, Don’t try to shield them from negative experiences. Your child will fall down, get hurt, be disappointed, and suffer heartbreak. It is not up to you to be the Catcher in the Rye and keep those experiences from happening. Instead, it is your privilege to talk her through those experiences, because those experiences are when she will learn the biggest lessons. As those lessons present themselves, your kind and supportive presence can open her eyes to the potential growth that lies on the horizon of her pain.

(4) Treat your child like a person.

Whenever I write or speak about parenting, there are always those who say that a good spanking keeps a child from being too soft and spoiled. My message to parents, based on my own experiences and research, includes an exhortation to avoid violent punishment, but also includes much more material about treating your child with warmth and empathy. Those who wish to draw upon the biblical saying, Spare the rod, spoil the child, might want to also consider, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Your child is one of those others! When you discipline, do it with love. When you reward, deliver it with delight. When you interact with them, treat them kindly, and with respect. Your child values your opinion about her more than anyone else in the whole world. As Peggy O’Mara said, The way you talk to your child becomes their inner voice [1]. If your words and actions suggest that your child is bad, dirty, unwanted, or unloved, you will teach her to think of herself in that same way when she is older. On the contrary, if your words and actions tell your child that she is good, pleasing, and a joyful gift to you, she will go out into the world as an adult who feels capable of anything she desires to accomplish.

(5) Create expectations that are developmentally appropriate.

The expectations you have for your child should match what she is capable of achieving. If you are trying to teach your child a brand new skill, you cannot expect her to perform the skill flawlessly right away. Instead, break the skill into manageable pieces. As your child takes on each small challenge, you have an opportunity to praise and reward her multiple times. If you are unsure how to go about giving your child positive outcomes for positive behavior at a ratio of five times