The Zen Of Art

By Will Todd

A Comedy about Zen Buddhism? Hai!

Or maybe "Haiku":

Art Westin goes East;
A Salesman who finds The Light;
Occidentally.

Or even more "Occidentally":

Art Westin - high-strung, plugged-in, always-selling - is forced to spend a week in a Japanese Zen monastery...

...where he encounters a unique koan (“riddle”) of philosophy and phunny...

...culminating in a moment of satori (“insight”) that changes his life.

But will this enlightenment last when he returns to the West?

[Note: I'm a screenwriter ("THE WONDER YEARS", "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES") and this story is presented in its original screenplay format. To learn more about me, or this title, please visit ToddTrumpet.com!]

• Language: English
• Publisher: Will Todd
• Release date: Dec 9, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465712318

Will Todd

ALL ABOUT TODD1960: Born.1961-1982: Grew up. Did non-writing stuff.1983-1985: Worked with NASA as Aerospace Engineer. Started writing scripts part-time for no money.1986-1987: Started writing scripts full-time for no money.1988-1990: Wrote for first two seasons of "THE WONDER YEARS". Nominated for Emmy, Humanitas, and Writers Guild Awards. Won Humanitas and Writers Guild. Lost Emmy to pilot of "Murphy Brown" but I'm not bitter anymore especially since show never lived up to its potential.Wrote the first two "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES" movies. Became rich, but with occasional pangs of guilt.1991-1992: Tried to elevate the quality of films coming out of Holywood by rejecting all script assignments and writing only on spec. I.E., Obscurity and Unemployment.1993-1995: Ran away to Europe for a few months, returned, wrote first play. Ran away to Asia for a few months, returned, directed first short film.1996: Stopped running long enough to get in line to write a feature film version of "I Dream of Jeannie". BLINK! Next.1997-1999: Completed Quest for Seven Continents with travels to Africa, Australia, South America, and Antarctica (whiter even than The Blank Page).2000-2002: Solidified reputation as International Man of Leisure. Blew it by writing a book in here somewhere.2003-2005: Nap.2006-2007: Wrote, produced, and directed a 90-minute compilation of comedy shorts called "42 STORY HOUSE". Sold very nearly that many DVD'S.2008-2009: Pangs of guilt concerning sudden wealth now a distant memory, sought status as "Too Big To Fail". Failed.2010: Attempted to finance an indie movie called "WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY". Fried.2011:Published first eBook "THE TELLING OF MY MARCHING BAND STORY". Fell.2012: Published some eScreenplays to see if anybody was interested in reading eScreenplays. Seriously, anybody. Hel-loooooooooo...?2013-2014: Started YouTube Channel "Todd Trumpet Videos". Reached "Blockbuster" (LLC) status.2015-2016: Wrote "A CHRISTMAS CODA". Received lavish praise from Dickens Experts. Who - "Bah! Humbug!" - apparently don't impress the General Public.2017: Adapted "A CHRISTMAS CODA" into a stage play. Learned Broadway and Hollywood, despite being on opposite sides of the country, actually share the same Welcome Mat.2018-2019: Achieved Complete World Domination. (Pending)

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

A Comedy about Zen Buddhism? Hai!

Or maybe Haiku:

Art Westin goes East;

A Salesman who finds The Light;

Occidentally.

Or even more Occidentally:

Art Westin - high-strung, plugged-in, always-selling - is forced to spend a week in a Japanese Zen monastery...

...where he encounters a unique koan (riddle) of philosophy and phunny...

...culminating in a moment of satori (insight) that changes his life.

But will this enlightenment last when he returns to the West?

******************************

FADE IN:

ON BUDDHA

the Enlightened One, statufied in amused tolerance as hollow wail of wooden FLUTE meets deep thunk! of ancient DRUM and

MAIN TITLES

OVERLAY his grinning face. FLUTE and DRUM continue their ancient dance as

A SERIES OF IMAGES

keeps time in tantalizing CLOSE-UP:

INCENSE, smoking smell;

TINY GONGS, shimmering sound;

DARK ROBES, shaping sight.

Haiku. Gesundheit.

The Buddha grins.

MUSIC. PICTURES.

Bells. Another Buddha. Chimes. Another grin. Wood block. Different Buddha. Drumbeat. Same grin. Trill. Another. Symbol. Again. Building. Closer. Growing. Nearer. Pounding. Pulling. Coming. Clearer. Until:

A FINAL BUDDHA

FILLS THE SCREEN, crude, irregular - and pink. There's something not quite right about it...

And off the DRUMCLAP that annihilates the LAST CREDIT, as a knife cleaves the Buddha straight down to his grin

CUT WIDE TO:

INT. ZENCO DINING FACILITY - DAY

REVEALING this final Buddha to be a cake with pink icing, its half-face being served by a chef in white toque. Diners form a line at the end of a long buffet table, Vega$-style, except everyone is wearing robes...

...and the room is decorated with items from a Hirohito garage sale, many of which were seen in CLOSE-UP above. The only group of actual Asians present is a band that strikes up a MUZAK ENCORE to the five-tone discordance just concluded.

And standing in a doorway at the end of the buffet table, surveying this anachronistic scene is Our Hero

ART WESTIN

only his grin is very un-Buddha-like. So is his business suit, though he seems unaware of its incongruity as he continues to nod with approval.

A dessert chef passes by, stopping to offer a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries. Art selects one of the overgrown, tasteless, mutant miracle-growths, but the

BEEP-BEEP, BEEP-BEEP, BEEP-BEEP

of a PDA interrupts, silenced after swift retrieval from an inside blazer pocket. Eyeing the strawberry, Art Westin speaks his first line - just two words...

...but two words that embody the very antithesis of Zen:

ART: Not now.

He abandons the fruit, enters the room, and heads for

A BANQUET TABLE

where about a dozen men and women in robes relax around the remnants of their meal. Noting the numbered card rising from their bonsai centerpiece, Art positions himself to draw their attention:

ART: Ladies and gentlemen good morning my name is Art Westin and I've been assigned to take you on a little tour of our facility so let me begin by saying...

Art doesn't speak with a lot of commas. In fact, there often seems to be some phantom urgency propelling his words:

ART: ...welcome to Harmony I and the first of what will be with your help a series of flourishing franchises under the management banner of Zenco Limited how did you find your meal?

Suits and ties peek out beneath these standard-issue robes, which respond with uniform excellents and wonderfuls. But one robe is different, creaseless, worn by an elder JAPANESE MAN with close-cropped hair and wire-rimmed glasses. He scrutinizes the considerable leftovers and adds a final ironic adjective:

JAPANESE MAN: Plentiful.

ART: Well we'll be talking more about food services when we break for lunch but for now why doesn't everyone open their Franchise Packets and you'll find a little name tag inside the front cover...

Art demonstrates with a smaller packet taken from an inside blazer pocket, but before the others can follow suit:

ART: ...which if you'll follow me right now - that's right, right this way - you'll find are very easy to fill out on the way to our first stop and save us some time and we have a lot to see today so...

He's now ushering the group away from the table, as they awkwardly try to follow his example of filling out name tags on the move.

ART: ...keep in mind that a full itinerary is always available on page one of your FP's and if you have any questions at any time about anything please please don't hesitate to stop me and ask - right through this door, that's right, just keep moving, here we go, that's the way...

The group shuffles through the doorway at the end of the buffet table. Art then checks his PDA, nods, and presses a button that responds with a BEEP.

And as Art follows the group out, CLEARING THE FRAME FOR A FINAL SHOT OF THE BUDDHA-CAKE, HALF-EATEN

CUT TO:

EXT. GROUNDS - DAY

landscaped to professional tranquility, as Art leads his group on a brisk walk:

ART: ...and research confirmed the growing popularity of Eastern philosophies in general and Zen Buddhism in particular and in fact, specialized retreats run by small local agencies were already having trouble keeping up with the demand so... Zenco Limited was born.

He indicates the grounds with a practiced gesture.

POTENTIAL INVESTOR #1: And the small local agencies?

ART: A little closer to Buddha, as we like to say.

Some CHUCKLES from the group as they jot notes. All except the elder Japanese Man, who keeps his eye on Art:

ART: The spirit of Zen was our main objective. Providing a completely contemplative environment for deep spirituality. Let's just stop a moment and absorb it...

He wasn't kidding about a moment:

ART: ...before I point out some of the more obvious tax advantages...

And as Art continues to lead

ANOTHER PART OF THE GROUNDS - LATER

where the group continues to follow. A second group of name-tagged investors passes by, and Art gives their leader a little bus-driver-courtesy-wave without missing a beat:

ART: ...so not only are you buying over six months of on-site expertise, you're also getting nearly eighteen months of planning and development. Here's a perfect example...

They've come upon

A LARGE CENTRAL BUILDING

which aspires to Eastern ornateness but settles for a more cost-effective pre-fab similarity.

ART: Every structure you see at Harmony I is based on our unique modular design. Not only does this save on construction, it can be adapted to any location - so the more franchises sold, the less per unit cost.

POTENTIAL INVESTOR #2: (re: building) It's beautiful.

ART: (nods) Classic amortization...

They've arrived at the faux-wooden doors of the building, where Art reaches for a handle:

ART: Which brings us to the first of what are known as "The Three