The Penny Raffle

By Will Todd

Here's the pitch:

Reeling from sexual discrimination, advertising expert Penny Mann decides to market her only remaining asset: Herself.

How?

By literally offering herself as the grand prize in a raffle.

A penny raffle.

$0.01/ticket.

Of course, there are other costs, both legal and moral. But Penny always seems one step ahead of those who invariably seek to shut her down.

Will they succeed? Will the penny raffle find a winner?

Or has Penny herself somehow stacked the deck?

Turing sexual discrimination on its head.

Heads...

...or tails?

[Note: I'm a screenwriter ("THE WONDER YEARS", "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES") and this story is presented in its original screenplay format. To learn more about me, or this title, please visit ToddTrumpet.com!]

• Language: English
• Publisher: Will Todd
• Release date: Dec 1, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466003545

Will Todd

ALL ABOUT TODD1960: Born.1961-1982: Grew up. Did non-writing stuff.1983-1985: Worked with NASA as Aerospace Engineer. Started writing scripts part-time for no money.1986-1987: Started writing scripts full-time for no money.1988-1990: Wrote for first two seasons of "THE WONDER YEARS". Nominated for Emmy, Humanitas, and Writers Guild Awards. Won Humanitas and Writers Guild. Lost Emmy to pilot of "Murphy Brown" but I'm not bitter anymore especially since show never lived up to its potential.Wrote the first two "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES" movies. Became rich, but with occasional pangs of guilt.1991-1992: Tried to elevate the quality of films coming out of Holywood by rejecting all script assignments and writing only on spec. I.E., Obscurity and Unemployment.1993-1995: Ran away to Europe for a few months, returned, wrote first play. Ran away to Asia for a few months, returned, directed first short film.1996: Stopped running long enough to get in line to write a feature film version of "I Dream of Jeannie". BLINK! Next.1997-1999: Completed Quest for Seven Continents with travels to Africa, Australia, South America, and Antarctica (whiter even than The Blank Page).2000-2002: Solidified reputation as International Man of Leisure. Blew it by writing a book in here somewhere.2003-2005: Nap.2006-2007: Wrote, produced, and directed a 90-minute compilation of comedy shorts called "42 STORY HOUSE". Sold very nearly that many DVD'S.2008-2009: Pangs of guilt concerning sudden wealth now a distant memory, sought status as "Too Big To Fail". Failed.2010: Attempted to finance an indie movie called "WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY". Fried.2011:Published first eBook "THE TELLING OF MY MARCHING BAND STORY". Fell.2012: Published some eScreenplays to see if anybody was interested in reading eScreenplays. Seriously, anybody. Hel-loooooooooo...?2013-2014: Started YouTube Channel "Todd Trumpet Videos". Reached "Blockbuster" (LLC) status.2015-2016: Wrote "A CHRISTMAS CODA". Received lavish praise from Dickens Experts. Who - "Bah! Humbug!" - apparently don't impress the General Public.2017: Adapted "A CHRISTMAS CODA" into a stage play. Learned Broadway and Hollywood, despite being on opposite sides of the country, actually share the same Welcome Mat.2018-2019: Achieved Complete World Domination. (Pending)

Book preview

THE PENNY RAFFLE

by

Will Todd

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Copyright 2011 Will Todd

Smashwords Edition

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INTRODUCTION

Here's the pitch:

Reeling from sexual discrimination, advertising expert Penny Mann decides to market her only remaining asset: Herself.

How?

By literally offering herself as the grand prize in a raffle.

A penny raffle.

$0.01/ticket.

Of course, there are other costs, both legal and moral. But Penny always seems one step ahead of those who invariably seek to shut her down.

Will they succeed? Will the penny raffle find a winner?

Or has Penny herself somehow stacked the deck?

Turing sexual discrimination on its head.

Heads...

...or tails?

******************************

FADE IN:

PROLOGUE

CLOSE ON - A PENNY

bright, shiny, new - as a piece of paper covers it and a pencil begins lifting its imprint, all accompanied by the spirited HUMMING of

ANOTHER PENNY

bright, shiny, new - as LITTLE PENNY MANN finishes her pencil-tracing and stacks paper plates. A platter of cookies rests nearby, atop a folding table which announces in bold crayon: Penny's Bake Sale!...

...for both enterprise and entrepreneur await their first customer on the front lawn of a tract house in a

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

where little girls first determine the lessons of the world.

Penny keeps busy rearranging things, scanning the sidewalks, unsticking some of the hardening cookies. Her face brightens, however, when she spots

A GROUP OF BOYS

across the street on their way to a pickup baseball game.

LITTLE PENNY: Hey! Cookies for sale! Only a quarter!

But this is a time when little boys believe in natural enemies:

BOY #1: We don't want any cootie cookies!

LITTLE PENNY: (flaring) They're not cootie cookies! They're chocolate chip!

BOY #2: Yeah, cootie chip!

LITTLE PENNY: They're good!

BOY #3: Then you eat `em!

Boy #3 is heartily congratulated for his wit as the group leaves a frustrated Penny behind. But Penny's best friend, JO KLEINMAN, has appeared next to the cookie stand and gives voice to a suitable rejoinder:

LITTLE JO: Dopes!!

Penny continues to watch their retreat as Jo shakes a soup can intended for profits. Empty. So Jo drops a quarter inside and gives it a RATTLE. That's better. She takes a cookie.

LITTLE PENNY: Thanks, Jo.

LITTLE JO: They're just boys.

LITTLE PENNY: (wistfully) Yeah.

They watch as the boys turn a corner in the distance...

...then turn at the PITTER-PATTER of

A SMALL BOY

with bat and glove racing to catch up with his teammates.

LITTLE PENNY: Hey, Montgomery! Hold it! (sees him stop) C'mere! I got somethin' for ya! Somethin' you're gonna want! C'mere...!

The boy, even smaller than Jo and Penny, is used to taking orders. This one, though, he's not too sure about. But curiosity beckons, and he warily approaches the stand.

LITTLE PENNY: You got a quarter?

SMALL BOY: (suspicious) Maybe.

LITTLE PENNY: Well, you give me a quarter an' I'll give you a cookie - an' I'll let ya see somethin', too.

SMALL BOY: What?

LITTLE PENNY: Somethin' you'll wanna see.

SMALL BOY: Like what?

LITTLE PENNY: (sighs) Here, if you don't like it, you can keep your quarter an' I'll give you a cookie anyway, okay?

SMALL BOY: Lemme see.

LITTLE PENNY: Lemme see a quarter.

The boy digs into his pocket, bringing up a handful of rubber bands, decomposed gummies - and a quarter. Which he holds onto.

LITTLE PENNY: Okay, first, stand right there and don't move. (off his look) I'm not even gonna touch ya.

Jo looks just as perplexed as the boy, who nevertheless stiffens nearly to attention.

LITTLE PENNY: Okay, you ready?

The boy nods and Penny looks quickly left and right...

...then lifts the front of her skirt for what amounts to less than a second.

A second is enough. The boy's eyes widen, and his hands rise to his mouth.

But what he's covering is an uncontrollable grin, and he SLAPS the quarter down on the table before grabbing bat and glove and hightailing it down the sidewalk.

LITTLE PENNY: Hey! Wait a minute...!

The boy turns around just in time to catch a cookie tossed by Penny. He jams it into his mouth and takes off running for the other boys.

Penny triumphantly PLUNKS the quarter into the can - and finds a look of utter horror on her best friend's face.

LITTLE PENNY: What.

LITTLE JO: You're gonna get it.

LITTLE PENNY: No, I'm not.

LITTLE JO: Yes, you are.

LITTLE PENNY: No, I'm not.

LITTLE JO: Yes, you are.

LITTLE PENNY: Why am I?

LITTLE JO: Because you let him look - there.

LITTLE PENNY: So?

LITTLE JO: So? My Mom doesn't even let me look there.

LITTLE PENNY: I can do whatever I want. And I can show whatever I want, too.

LITTLE JO: No, you can't.

LITTLE PENNY: Yes, I can.

LITTLE JO: No, you can't.

LITTLE PENNY: Yes, I can.

Jo reverts to her ultimate weapon, deadpan silence.

LITTLE PENNY: Besides, it's not like I actually showed him anything.

LITTLE JO: Then why'd he give you a quarter?

But before Penny can answer

THE GROUP OF BOYS

hastily returns from around the corner. Penny turns back to Jo, finally answering her question:

LITTLE PENNY: You don't actually have to give `em anything. (leans in close) You just have to make `em think they're gettin' somethin'.

And as Little Penny Mann learns the secret of selling cookies

SMASH CUT TO:

OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE

CLOSE ON - POWERS MARKETING, INC.

printed on a set of elevator doors that ROLL OPEN to let off a crowd of morning workers - with a WOMAN'S VOICE emanating from the back:

WOMAN'S VOICE: Aw, come on, Cooper, everybody wins here, it's great radio tie-in. Any caller who can sing the new jingle wins a crateful of Granny's best...

The crowd clears, leaving a woman wearing a trademark Bluetooth headset:

WOMAN: (indignant) What, are you telling me Gangstas don't like delicious baked goods...?

She steps off the elevator and enters a

INT. RECEPTION AREA - MORNING

where she drops off some letters from her briefcase.

WOMAN: Why? Because we're trying to expand our client's customer base and your station is number one with 13-to-17-year-olds... (meaningfully) ...which is also why we recommend you guys to so many of our other accounts...

RECEPTIONIST: Morning, Ms. Mann.

WOMAN: (holds up finger) Okay, Cooper, great. You da man... (listens) Yes. I'll stop saying that. (disconnects) Morning, Rose.

She heads toward a set