Why The Squirrel Won't Fry

By Will Todd

I know guys like this.

Guys who have never been out on a date.

Guys who have never even tried.

Why?

That's the question "WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY" examines. It takes 4 of these guys - 4 distinct vertices of a square labeled "excuses" - and looks at how each has become trapped in his own corner.

Until one of the guys tries to break out of the box.

Here's the logline:

Four enginerds are perfectly content to sit around a luncheonette talking about the girls of "Star Trek", until one decides to boldly go where none of them has gone before: On a date.

Just 4 guys in a room. No gunshots. No paranormal phenomena. No CGI.

No budget.

On purpose. See, the idea was to write the lowest budget movie I could, with the goal of producing it myself. The production part didn't happen, but the writing part did. Minimal characters. Minimal locations.

Maximal (?) humor.

Well, you can be the judge of that. Maybe I was too clever for my own good. It wouldn't be the first time. For example: The original title for this screenplay was "BRAINS"...

...but with the final "S" reversed to hint at a certain irony.

But the real irony is, there was a better title staring me in the face the whole time. I just couldn't see it. Or maybe I was just afraid to take the chance.

I know guys like this.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Will Todd
• Release date: Oct 13, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466066700

Will Todd

ALL ABOUT TODD1960: Born.1961-1982: Grew up. Did non-writing stuff.1983-1985: Worked with NASA as Aerospace Engineer. Started writing scripts part-time for no money.1986-1987: Started writing scripts full-time for no money.1988-1990: Wrote for first two seasons of "THE WONDER YEARS". Nominated for Emmy, Humanitas, and Writers Guild Awards. Won Humanitas and Writers Guild. Lost Emmy to pilot of "Murphy Brown" but I'm not bitter anymore especially since show never lived up to its potential.Wrote the first two "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES" movies. Became rich, but with occasional pangs of guilt.1991-1992: Tried to elevate the quality of films coming out of Holywood by rejecting all script assignments and writing only on spec. I.E., Obscurity and Unemployment.1993-1995: Ran away to Europe for a few months, returned, wrote first play. Ran away to Asia for a few months, returned, directed first short film.1996: Stopped running long enough to get in line to write a feature film version of "I Dream of Jeannie". BLINK! Next.1997-1999: Completed Quest for Seven Continents with travels to Africa, Australia, South America, and Antarctica (whiter even than The Blank Page).2000-2002: Solidified reputation as International Man of Leisure. Blew it by writing a book in here somewhere.2003-2005: Nap.2006-2007: Wrote, produced, and directed a 90-minute compilation of comedy shorts called "42 STORY HOUSE". Sold very nearly that many DVD'S.2008-2009: Pangs of guilt concerning sudden wealth now a distant memory, sought status as "Too Big To Fail". Failed.2010: Attempted to finance an indie movie called "WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY". Fried.2011:Published first eBook "THE TELLING OF MY MARCHING BAND STORY". Fell.2012: Published some eScreenplays to see if anybody was interested in reading eScreenplays. Seriously, anybody. Hel-loooooooooo...?2013-2014: Started YouTube Channel "Todd Trumpet Videos". Reached "Blockbuster" (LLC) status.2015-2016: Wrote "A CHRISTMAS CODA". Received lavish praise from Dickens Experts. Who - "Bah! Humbug!" - apparently don't impress the General Public.2017: Adapted "A CHRISTMAS CODA" into a stage play. Learned Broadway and Hollywood, despite being on opposite sides of the country, actually share the same Welcome Mat.2018-2019: Achieved Complete World Domination. (Pending)

Book preview

WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY

by

Will Todd

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Copyright 2011 Will Todd

Smashwords Edition

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INTRODUCTION

I know guys like this.

Guys who have never been out on a date.

Guys who have never even tried.

Why?

That's the question WHY THE SQUIRREL WON'T FRY examines. It takes 4 of these guys - 4 distinct vertices of a square labeled excuses - and looks at how each has become trapped in his own corner.

Until one of the guys tries to break out of the box.

Here's the logline:

Four enginerds are perfectly content to sit around a luncheonette talking about the girls of Star Trek, until one decides to boldly go where none of them has gone before: On a date.

Just 4 guys in a room. No gunshots. No paranormal phenomena. No CGI.

No budget.

On purpose. See, the idea was to write the lowest budget movie I could, with the goal of producing it myself. The production part didn't happen, but the writing part did. Minimal characters. Minimal locations.

Maximal (?) humor.

Well, you can be the judge of that. Maybe I was too clever for my own good. It wouldn't be the first time. For example: The original title for this screenplay was BRAINS...

...but with the final S reversed to hint at a certain irony.

But the real irony is, there was a better title staring me in the face the whole time. I just couldn't see it. Or maybe I was just afraid to take the chance.

I know guys like this.

Will Todd

October 2011

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FADE IN:

ON PURE WHITE

A CLEAN SLATE, soon to be filled with felt-tipped wisdom from the very hand of

GODFREY (V.O.): Let x represent our Guiding Thematic Principle.

The wizened old hand writes Let x = GTP in thick black letters on a wall-mounted whiteboard.

GODFREY (V.O.): Then x corresponds to negative Carpe Diem.

He writes Then x = -(CD).

It’s all mathematical symbology from here:

GODFREY (V.O.): Further, if y equals Guys and z equals Girls, then y plus x times z is equal to... zero. (beat) Null. (beat) The Empty Set.

Under the equation y + xz = 0 he adds three more letters:

GODFREY (V.O.): Q.E.D. Quod Erat Demonstrandum. Which was to be demonstrated.

There it is. In simple black and white.

Well, almost. The hand returns, no longer quite as certain:

GODFREY (V.O.): Actually, maybe an example would be better...

And as the hand of Godfrey crosses out the Q.E.D.

CROSS-FADE TO:

OPENING TITLES AND

A FACE

lying on a pillow in semi-darkness. Youngish, but no longer young. Eyes held shut, but no longer asleep. They eventually open...

...to check a wristwatch pulled from the covers of a twin bed tucked so tight THE GUY inside appears wrapped in a shroud.

He re-tucks his watch under the covers, high up under his chin. His eyes re-close. Feign relaxation. Re-open...

...to check the watch yet again...

...before SLIDING with the rest of his body from bed. His knit pajamas help affect a rapid exit. In fact - PAT, PAT, TUCK, TUCK - and the bed is made, allowing him to neatly pivot and turn his attention to

AN ALARM CLOCK

sitting atop a dresser.

He compares watch to clock, waits, then SLAPS A BUTTON just as the clock’s digital face comes up 7:00 AM and the ALARM CHOKES IN INFANCY.

And as The Guy completes his wake-up routine by carefully squaring the alarm clock with the dresser top corner

CUT TO:

THE SHOWER - MINUTES LATER

where The Guy rinses off his farmer-tanned body then reaches to turn off the water...

...REVEALING he’s worn his watch into the shower. A quick time check and

A MOMENT LATER

finds him towel-wrapped, opening his bedroom closet to find

THE DAY’S WORK CLOTHES

neatly laid out from the night before. And as he puts on a plain white undershirt

CUT TO:

THE BATHROOM MIRROR - MINUTES LATER

where The Guy BLOW-DRIES his hair in Standard Uniform:

Blue Blazer, White Shirt, Solid Tie.

The hair doesn’t take long. In fact, The Guy can’t help but scrutinize a thinning trend. He doesn’t dwell, however, squaring his toiletries and checking his watch once more before entering the

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

like the rest of the small apartment, decorated in Contemporary I-Never-Intended-To-Be-Here-This-Long. A couch, a chair, a TV. Unmatched.

The Guy retrieves A PDA DEVICE and passes a fading poster of PAULINA PORIZKOVA:

THE GUY: Morning, dear.

But something is wrong with the PDA. He TAPS it, then BANGS it, but it stubbornly refuses to come to life.