FatheringUSA: Stories and Ideas from Prominent Americans

By Bruce Robinson

Good fathering is a powerful force in the lives of children, a force that can markedly reduce their risks of crime, substance abuse, depression and bad attitudes to school and at the same time increasing their chances of having fulfilled lives. But even when dads know this, they usually just don’t know what to do.
This book, from best-selling parenting author Dr Bruce Robinson, is ‘treasure chest’ of tips from prominent people, written to help dads who want to do a better job of fathering. It works because most dads just don’t know what to do.
It includes stories and tips from US Presidents Obama, Clinton and Bush, state Governor Sam Brownback, Congressmen Jack Kingston, Todd Akin and Frank Wolf , NFL star and Kennedy bodyguard Rosey Grier, Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, world record holding runner Jim Ryun, Oscar winning Screenwriter Frank Pierson, Director of Days of our Lives Herb Stein, Psychologist, Author and founder of Focus on the Family James Dobson, President of National Geographic Gil Grosvener, International President of World Vision Dean Hirsch and others.
All profits from the sale of this ebook go to the work of The Fathering Project, a university-based not-for-profit organisation which aims to give every child a strong and appropriate father figure.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9780987308320

Bruce Robinson

Bruce Robinson is the director and screenwriter of Withnail and I, How to Get Ahead in Advertising, Jennifer 8 and The Rum Diary. He has also written the screenplays for The Killing Fields, Shadow Makers (released in the US as Fat Man and Little Boy), Return to Paradise and In Dreams. He is the author of The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman and Paranoia in the Launderette, and of two books for children, The Obvious Elephant and Harold and the Duck, both illustrated by Sophie Windham.

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Acknowledgements

I am extremely grateful to the interviewees for making the time available to talk with me, often more than once, for being honest with me and for taking the time to check the text and provide me with photos.

I also acknowledge the following sources of material for this book. Andrew Denton and The Australian Broadcasting Corporation for permission to use material from some of the Enough Rope interviews: My Life So Far by Jane Fonda, Random House (2005), My Life: The Presidential Years by Bill Clinton, Vintage Books (2005) and Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance by Barack Obama. Crown Publishing (2007)

The comments and suggestions of all of the individuals are highly valued but are not always congruent. I take full responsibility for the final text and do not wish to imply that everything said in the text represents professional opinions on parenting.

Preface

There is convincing statistical evidence that fathers and father figures are critical for optimal development of children. Strong and appropriate father input increases the chances of positive outcomes (e.g. confidence AND sense of self worth) and reduces the risk of negative outcomes (e.g. drug addiction, crime), something I learnt in writing my three previous books for fathers (‘Fathering from the Fast Lane’, ‘The Blue Book of Tips for Fathers and Father Figures’ and ‘Daughters and their Dads’).

The use of personal interview quotes from prominent individuals

Because my own experience on the subject of fathering is limited to just one father and three children, and because the published literature on the subject describes problems but not solutions, I turned to interviews for new ideas. The more people I interviewed the more I realised that personal quotes and stories provide different and more helpful information than currently published research studies.

I have interviewed over 400 individuals, lasting 60,000 minutes and producing about one million quotable words, representing over 17,000 years of fathering experience. Although there are as many ‘ordinary people’ in the interview list as there are high profile interviewees, I have chosen (in this book) to record the information obtained from prominent individuals. Although their comments don’t carry more weight than those from less prominent individuals, they are helpful to convey the message because:

they are usually very busy, so their ideas have widespread value in a busy life

they often receive negative press, particularly politicians, and readers are interested in the personal aspects of their lives

they are often in the public eye to some extent or another and their stories are intrinsically interesting

they have generally not disclosed these ideas elsewhere so their collective insights are hard to otherwise locate.

Their comments are presented not as a scientific study, but as a rich mine of ideas and strategies.

Importantly, they have reviewed and approved the notes and allowed me to put their name to them. Where quotes are not obtained during a personal interview of the subject by myself the source of that quote is clearly referenced. Where material is quoted from recorded interviews I have taken the liberty of removing the fillers such as ‘you know’, ‘sort of’, ‘eh’, ‘mmmm’ and have joined half sentences and deleted repetitions. I have done this without altering the message.

The feedback I have received from many people is that these interviews convey helpful messages. So many different types of fathers, with both good and poor relationships, have been willing to share their ideas and encourage many others.

Why the words of prominent individuals are powerful

The main advantages of using these quotes and stories to convey messages about dads:

the tips have been ‘road-tested’, i.e. they have worked or failed, not just been imagined

rather than describing problems they focus on solutions and provide realistic strategies, tips and ideas

they are personal stories rather than theoretical

they are authentic, first hand stories, not second hand

they represent people in normal family life, not just from counselling sessions

they are from varied individuals

they provide a range of ideas – you can’t think of everything yourself

they encourage dads to break stereotypes e.g. tough sportsmen who hug their children

they have the benefit of hindsight – how things worked out in the long term

they thus encourage others that things can work out despite awful circumstances

they are all interesting people & fun to read.

Assumptions

In writing this book I am assuming that the reader is interested in understanding how fathers and father figures can do the best job they can for their children, and that they are open to new ideas

Possible ways to read this book

It would be difficult to read the material in this book at one continuous setting. Perhaps you might consider reading a section, then thinking and talking about how it might apply to your family.

The ideas presented are not instructional. It may be helpful to see these ideas as a ‘supermarket’ rather than a ‘schoolbook’. That means the readers can pick those ideas that suit them and leave the rest. Also, it means that at a later time they might choose some other ideas from the book to try. Other will ‘pick different ideas off the shelf’ based on personality and circumstances.

Section 1

Politics

Sam Brownback, Governor of Kansas

Jack Kingston, Congressman, Georgia

Todd Akin, Congressman, Missouri

Frank Wolf, Congressmen, Virginia

Bill Clinton, Former US President

George W Bush, Former US President

Barack Obama, US President

Sam Brownback

Governor of Kansas

Former U.S. Senator from Kansas.

Involved in the Presidential race 2008.

Raised on a farm in Kansas.

Studied law at Kansas State University.

Converted to Catholicism.

Supports strong refugee protection.

Visited refugee camps in Darfur, Sudan - labelled a champion of Darfur.

Married to Mary.

Five children: Abby, Andy, Elizabeth, Mark, and Jenna.

Author’s highlights:

Overcoming his inner resistance and telling his own father he loved him.

Learning that, as a father, we are automatically teaching our daughters how they should expect to be treated by men.

Helping all kids realise they are unique.

Embracing adopted children – one from Guatemala and one from China.

Telling your own father you love him

My father never told me he loved me. Recently I’ve come to realise that regardless of whether he said it to me or not, it is important that I say that to him. So I went to see him and decided I was going to tell him I loved him. I was very nervous, but I said to him, I love you. I am glad I did that, although he is yet to say that back to me. But he is from that generation of men that find it hard to say those sorts of things.

Honouring your parents, even if they didn’t do a good job

For some time I judged my father and held things against him and my mother. I have realised that that was the wrong attitude and I have apologised to them. It is easy to feel the victim and blame your parents but the commandment to ‘honour your father and mother’ doesn’t say that you should do that only if they were good parents. It’s a simple commandment without qualification. Interestingly, it’s the first commandment that has a promise attached to it.

You can’t have a bad attitude to your parents and expect your children to be okay

If you get the relationship right with your parents, even if they weren’t the best parents, it helps the next generation. You can’t have a bad attitude to your parents and expect your children to be okay – kids shouldn’t become the victims of your anger. If you apologise to your parents and stop judging them you can clean the whole system up. Otherwise, the poison flows through to each new generation.

Teaching a daughter how she should expect to be treated by a man

A daughter needs to be taught by her father how she should expect to be treated by a man, whether she can expect to be honoured and loved or not.

Fathers have a role in teaching their daughters that they should not be treated as an object. For example, what a daughter wears can cause a man to look at them as an object. They need to understand that.

Helping kids realise they are unique

Each child is a unique and special creation. It is important for fathers to help their children understand their own uniqueness. For example, some are flamboyant and others are quiet. Fathers need to meet them in their uniqueness and show them how their traits are unique and special - praise their flamboyance or their quiet thoughtfulness.

Kids need to know that they can’t be everything. In the biblical analogy, The eye cannot say to the hand, I don’t need you! Each part has a role that needs to be honoured. Everybody is different and useful in their own special way. Don’t let your children wish they were something else but help them realise the value of their uniqueness.

Embracing adopted children

After we had our first three children we adopted two younger children, one from Guatemala and one from China. They were about eighteen months old. These children have been an extraordinary gift to the family. They drew us together again at a time when the centrifugal force of teenage life was going cause us to drift apart a bit. For example the older children baby sit, take the younger ones places and help put them to bed.

The oldest children did not actually want to adopt, but that attitude only lasted about two days – they loved the adopted children virtually immediately and they adore them now.

There are so many orphans in the world, others should think of adopting these kids. They add to families – not take away from them. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

John ‘Jack’ Kingston

Congressman, Georgia

Republican. Georgia.

Born in Bryan, Texas.

Raised in Athens, Georgia.

University of Georgia.

Involved in insurance and agribusiness.

Married.

Two sons and two daughters.

Author’s highlights:

How working in an important job can make you feel more important and more essential than you really are.

Giving kids priority access.

Keeping your diary open for kids’ events.

The pathos of the statement When I put my head down to sleep at night in Washington, and I have missed another basketball game, my heart aches.

The importance of being willing to do the unthinkable and go shopping with daughters.

Capitol Hill – making you feel more important than you are

I never place work ahead of my children. Life on Capitol Hill can make you feel more important that you really are. Clearly, important decisions are made in Congress, (for example, a vote on war or impeachment of the President) but even if I run the risk of losing an election I will keep my kids up there as my highest priority.

The two most dangerous traits for members of Congress is to think that you are important and to think that you are essential.

I have a staff of 25 and of course it makes them feel important if I am important. But it’s not really so. You’re not really that important and as a Congressman you need to realise that. Being busy and handling lots of things doesn’t make you important.

Politics is the ultimate form of ADD, we continuously jump from one thing to another. For example I can have a meeting regarding funding for the Iraq war, then discuss telecommunications, then discuss AIDS then have a meetings with the President. It’s easy to say I am essential. Damn, I’m good. It won’t happen if I am not there.

Politics is the ultimate form of ADD. It’s easy to say I am essential. Damn, I’m good.

A 100% voting attendance is a trap. You don’t need to be there for all of those votes. Committees are similar.

It is hard, but important, to realise that a question from your twelve year old son like Am I a better second baseman or pitcher? is really just about the most important sort of question you can face when you are a father.

Priority access for kids to their dads

Once I was about to start a speech in Congress and my daughter called me on my cell phone. She told me she couldn’t find her baseball glove and asked if I knew where it was. I stopped my speech to help her find her baseball glove and then started it again. It’s important for children to know they have priority access to their dad virtually any time they want it.

Keeping your diary open for kids’ events

Staying in touch with your children involves going to their events. I never commit to speak at engagements (like Rotary Clubs) until I have my children’s basketball schedule. That can create problems, as often Rotary will ask me six weeks in advance whereas the children’s sports schedules are never that well organised in advance.

Making time

I can work a fifteen hour day if that is required. But when I put my head down to sleep at night and I have missed another basketball game, my heart aches.

Being a busy father I really appreciate the moments and even the micro-moments with my children. Even if I am tired, I love my one-on-one time with the kids, talking and being with them because I miss them when I am away. I will take flights with a four hour travel time in preference to a two hour direct flight if it will get me home half an hour earlier. The kids won’t know the effort I made, but I will know and it’s important to me.

It’s really important to have special activities with each individual child, such as hunting. This has been special over the years for me. It’s got to the stage where I won’t go hunting unless the kids are also invited – I know I just wouldn’t enjoy it as much.

Shopping with daughters

A lot of dads will do the male things with their kids like hunting and baseball, but won’t go shopping with their daughter. I go shopping with my fourteen year old daughter, and though I hate shopping, that’s what she likes to do so I do it with her. The boys hunt with me, so I guess shopping is her form of hunting.

Todd Akin

Congressman, Missouri

U.S. House of Representatives.

Missouri.

Born New York City.

Raised St. Louis.

Worcester Polytechnic and Covenant Theological Seminary.

Missouri National Guard.

Wife Lulli.

Children: Wynn, Perry, Micah, Ezra, Hannah, and Abigail.

Author’s highlights:

How to make time for kids around a busy Washington schedule.

Taking kids for a victory lunch whenever they achieve any sort of goal in life.

Family life as the incubator for good citizenship.

Girls seek affection and love from fathers, and if they don’t get it they look elsewhere.

Making time for kids around a busy Washington schedule

I have six children, each about three years apart. My wife and I have prioritised our children. I was in the State Legislature and in the Federal government, but we have tried to make our children our first priority even during those busy times.

Because we have home schooled all of our children we can alter their schooling schedule to fit my schedule. For example, they do more schoolwork when I am in Washington, then when I am at home they do less schooling so that I can spend more time with them.

Whenever the kids achieve any sort of goal in life I take them for a victory lunch to celebrate. Lunch with just Dad worked better when they were young but as they have got older that doesn’t work as well, so we’ve tried to do more exciting things like taking them to the Grand Canyon. Last month we went on a camping trip around the Grand Canyon, traveling in the snow for about eight or nine days. This kind of trip helps compensate for the time I have to spend in Washington.

We don’t watch TV much at home and that means we have more time as a family.

I have no political activities at all on Sundays unless there is an absolute crisis.

Family and good citizenship

There are different sorts of governments, and one of them is family government. That means the family takes responsibility for producing good citizens, rather than relying on the schools. This is an old concept, but we