We want our children to understand and know their worth, advocate for themselves, and be confident in who they are. And that they do not need to be anything other than who they are to be appreciated, loved, and seen in our family. But the more time children spend out in the world, in school or sports or online on social media, the more they start comparing themselves to others and seeking external validation. It's just how the world is set up, and we sometimes, with the best of intentions, do it too! We give praise that isn't specific or focuses on outcomes instead of effort, we give feedback rather than directing them to reflect on themselves, and try as hard as we might, we compare and label siblings. (I do it too, even though I know better! Sometimes the doing and the knowing are two different things, right?)
As parents, it can happen to us too. Seeing photos of what seem to be perfect families and perfect lives on social media ruin our self-esteem, suck us into comparison, and lead to feelings of discontent. It's one of the reasons I've been far less active on IG these days. I hop on to make a silly reel for you (did you see my dancing in this one?? ? ) and then close the app so that I can focus on my true life, rather than the fantasy social media can suck me into...
But it's not easy. And as a person who was raised to thrive on external validation: praise, accomplishments, good grades, degrees, publications, awards, grants, etc; releasing the need for that feedback to prove my worth has been ongoing, deeply challenging work. I still face it, every time I read a review of the podcast or one of my programs, or get an email from one of you about how your family is changing and growing it is WORK for me to feel the JOY and DELIGHT that I get to do this as my job, all while not letting it mean anything about my WORTH as a human. It would be so easy to live for your reviews, feedback, and emails, but I know the flipside is crushing. Wondering if I'm worthless if I can't be of service...
It's not what I want for my kids, and it isn't what I want for myself! What about you? Is this something you're working on?
Well, if you at all identified with Luisa or Isabela in Encanto, this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast is for you!
We will talk about external validation and how it can distract us from staying true to ourselves. To help me in this conversation, I brought in my colleague, Mory Fontanez.
Do follow Mory on Instagram. Her social handle is @moryfontanez.