Old Mr. Settle's Guide to Bar Humor

By Martin Settle

Old Mr. Settle’s Guide to Bar Humor is a compact compendium of humor found around bars. The author was not only a bartender but a son of two generations of bartenders. His knowledge of jokes, poems, pranks, tricks, and toasts are encyclopedic.

Mr. Settle tries to condense his comic knowledge into this volume with humor both old and new, refined and bawdy, and visual and verbal. The bar setting is a place where customers expect to be entertained, and bartenders who can entertain make the best tips. But a tip for the reader of the material in this book is that you, too, can be the center of attention in many places besides bars – parties, dates, coffee klatches, and even business meetings. By a thorough reading and practice of this book’s content, you can lighten up many occasions.

What you can expect to find in Old Mr. Settle’s Guide to Bar Humor:
• old jokes – old jokes never die; they just get recycled
• new jokes – about current politics and social issues
• cartoons – designed by the author
• visuals – for bar tricks, for physical humor and for bar pranks
• bawdy poems – for toasts and for recitation
• And much, much more
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This book gets better and better in my company. -Jack Daniels

Enter into the world of drunkenness without drinking. Thich Cold Duc

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? -WC Fields

Some of these jokes are real knockouts. -Mickey Finn

Settle has accomplished a zaniness in this book in what usually takes a night of steady drinking.
-Tom Collins
If you like your humor neat, this book is for you. – Jim Beam

Warning: Old Mr. Settle’s Guide to Bar Humor may have humor that is offensive. -P.C. Barnum

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 15, 2024
• ISBN: 9798369418338

Book preview

Copyright © 2024 by Martin Settle.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 04/05/2024

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

858133

I dedicate this book to the best bartender that I ever knew -- my father Jack Settle. His humor, work ethic, and knowledge of people have served me well my entire life.

Prologue

Old Mr. Settle’s Guide to Bar Humor could refer to any of three Mr. Settles from three generations of bartenders. The Settle family was born to be behind bars (some even prison bars) and provide customers with the latest jokes, gags, and bawdy poetry. I received a great legacy when I stepped behind the bar at seventeen years of age, and I have tried to live up to and add to the high reputations of my ancestors.

It was my desire to pass on this windfall of humor to the next generation of Settles, but unfortunately my daughter did not want to be a barbender. She was interested in advanced schooling, even though I tried to respond with Mark Twain’s quote, I have never let schooling interfere with my education. Of course I was only joking, as I tend to do. But I truly believe that the bar degree I have is worth quite a bit to humanity.

In an effort to keep the Settle bar humor alive, I decided to write this book and share the laughter with the new generations. While you will find jokes all over the internet and in books, I don’t think that you’ll find such an eclectic (I learned this word from a college kid) source as is my book. Yes, you will find some of my materials on the internet, but they are scattered all over, incomplete, and without focus. Further, there are other bartender joke books out there, but all leave out major sections that I include: doggerel (another fancy term for crude poetry) meant for memorization and recitation; illustrated gags and pranks that make use of materials found around a bar; combinations of jokes that you will not find anywhere; and lastly jokes and cartoons that I have created.

As far as the acceptability of the content of Old Mr. Settle’s Guide to Bartender Humor, I have bartended in pre-PC and PC years, and I prefer to stay within PC boundaries. However, I am not so slavish to PC that I am not inappropriate at times. There is plenty of material in this book that you would not want to use in Polite Company, another kind of PC entirely. If a reader is offended by my jokes, it will be because of crudeness, not because they are offensive to a particular group.

Finally, I want to welcome you, reader, to my bar. Let down your burdens with a drink: it is time to laugh and not think. Let’s toast the bartender and the role he plays in taking off the rough edges of the day. May he never be replaced by an AI robot but march to a different AI algorithm—Alcoholic Indulgence.

Contents

Prologue

Barflies

Basic Bar Terms

A Man Walks into a Bar…

The Latest Drinks

A Drinker’s Top Ten

Drunken Miss Perception

Sexual Terminology

Bar Hustles

Sexual Connotations: Clean-Dirty and Playful-Kinky

Getting in Your Shots

Politics

Did You Hear About…

Shit Happens

Religion

Foreign Words and Phrases

Learn Latin

Short Toasts

Some Quotes as Chasers

Quickies

Difference Between

Limericks

One for the Road

Mixology

Call for a Cab

The Holiday Cycle – Seasoned Greetings

Bass Ackwards – A Dyslexicon

Light Bulbs

Poems – You Can Teach an Old Doggerel

Bar Set-Ups

Last Call – Some Final Words of Wisdom

About the Author

Barflies

No bar is complete without a fixture called a barfly. This fixture is attached to a bar stool and keeps it well-oiled. Barflies like to be around liquor like regular flies like to be around shit. Occasionally, if asked to buzz off, they’ll reply, I’ll drink to that.

A woman drove me to drink, and I didn’t have the courtesy to thank her.

-W.C. Fields

I have such a hangover that I don’t feel like shit!

He was the town drunk in the last place he lived, which is saying something since he was from New York.

Basic Bar Terms

A.A. Roulette: Six alcoholics pass around six glasses of tomato juice, one of which is loaded with vodka.

Absinthe: It makes the heart grow fonder.

Age: Something to be respected if it’s bottled.

Alcohol: a. an aphrodisiac that often heightens the dress rehearsal but spoils the performance; b. it makes the world go around.

Alcoholic Acupuncture: A system of sticking others with payment for the drinks.

Alcoholic Arthritis: A condition brought on by years of picking up wet change at bars.

Bar Stool: Something that Daniel Boone occasionally stepped in.

Champagne: a. the drink that makes you see double and think single; b. the wine of least resistance.

Dolly Parton Wine: Any kind of wine that comes in large jugs.

Drunkenness: The state of not being able to lie on the floor without holding on.

Grape: Wine in