Forever My Soldier (The Ryder Brothers): The Ryder Brothers, #3

By Dani Ryan

Can a soldier with no direction and a woman trying to get her life on track find their way to a second chance?

 

 

The Army comes first—period. My father, who also served, instilled that in me at a young age, hoping I was going to follow in his footsteps as his eldest son. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, though, leaving the girl I loved behind to serve in the military. But I never shirked my obligations, so I enlisted. And when I was away I lost my princess because I couldn't fight for her then. Now I'm back and when she comes to see me, I take that as my second chance to fight for her. She's got a weight on her shoulders, though, and I can't seem to break down all of her walls. Things have happened while I was away that she doesn't want to share, but this is only going to work if she opens up to me. But I'm patient and know that what we have is the real deal, so I'll put everything on the line to make sure I don't lose her again.

 

 

Note: Every book in The Ryder Brothers series stands completely on its own and there are no cliffhangers! Start reading today!

 

 

*The Ryder Brothers series in order (if you so choose to read them that way)*

Forever My Protector

Forever My Ranger

Forever My Soldier

Forever My Guardian

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dani Ryan
• Release date: May 14, 2024
• ISBN: 9798223830016

Book preview

Prologue

Jenna

5 years ago

Deacon’s icy-blue eyes stared into my own like they could see right through me. Jenna, please, he begged. "Help me forget. Help me forget about all of it."

With my arm leaning against the side of my open apartment door, I tried to steady my breathing, but knowing he was watching the rise and fall of my chest in the thin pajama shirt I was wearing made my heart beat even faster. I brushed my hair to the other side with my hand and blinked, making sure this wasn’t a dream.

It couldn’t be, though, because I knew Deacon was in town because his younger brother, Damon, was in the hospital for injuries he’d sustained while serving.

I licked my pouty lips and shook my head. Are you sure that’s what you need right now? I clarified, To forget?

He stepped forward and with every step he took toward me, I stepped back, until I finally felt the side of the couch against me. His eyes never left mine as he brought his thumb to my bottom lip. My breath hitched and I parted my lips to his touch. He let his finger slip in my mouth and I sucked on it, loving the way he tasted. This is exactly what I need, he insisted.

I brought my hands up and ran them against his buzz cut. I want to. You have no idea how badly I want this. I swallowed hard. But—

Deacon cupped my cheek with his hand and I leaned into his embrace, sighing in contentment. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time, too long. But we couldn’t do this. It would ruin everything and we both knew it.

He was my first love and I would always love him. He meant more to me than he would ever know, but I didn’t just want this one night with him. I wanted so much more. I wanted something I would never have with him—forever. That was the one promise Deacon couldn’t keep, the promise of us being together forever.

But? He searched my eyes for the words.

Words that could only be found in my heart. I was a fool when it came to Deacon because I couldn’t help the way I felt about him. When he first enlisted right out of high school, I was flabbergasted and hurt. I didn’t understand why he’d want to leave me and everything we’d started to make together. But he didn’t take those beautiful memories with him. No, I still had those. What he did take was half of my heart and the life I planned on us having together.

As much as we both wanted to stay together and make it work, there were no amount of letters or video chats that were going to help. It wasn’t an easy decision for either one of us, but we knew things weren’t the same, so we let each other go in that first year.

I feared I needed to make another hard decision tonight because spending the night together would only confuse my heart. I walked out of his embrace, but he grabbed my elbow, pulling me back against his sculpted chest. Damn, he was even more ripped than before. You should be with your family right now. They need you. You should be at the hospital for Damon.

He shook his head. You’re wrong. I just came from the hospital. I can’t do anything for them. I’m not what they need right now.

I knew what he was saying without even saying it. He felt useless, but on top of all of that he was scared and angry.

My eyes filled with tears, and he brushed his hand along my hair. Don’t cry, princess. I’ll leave if you want me to.

I sucked in. "That’s the last thing I want."

Then what is it? Don’t we deserve this?

I swallowed hard. It’d been a long road, but was this the answer? "I love you so much, Deke, it physically hurts sometimes. I just don’t think I can let you go again."

You can, he countered.

No, I refuted, I can’t!

You’re stronger than you think.

Not that strong, because we both know I can’t deny you, Deke. Tonight. One night, I said, feeling the weight of my words, a stark reminder to my heart.

Then we better make the most of it.

Chapter One

Jenna

8 weeks later

Looking in the mirror, I angled my body every which way. I rubbed my hand along my belly. To think, soon I’d look very different, I mused. I could barely believe it myself. Bigger breasts, fatter feet, wider, well, everything. It wasn’t something I really envisioned for myself, but I wasn’t altogether opposed to the idea. Anything to keep this small piece of him with me. I welcomed the reminder this child would be of how much we loved each other.

The words my gynecologist said to me played on repeat. You’re pregnant, Ms. McAllister.

To say I was surprised was an understatement. I mean, I could’ve suspected, but I’d been under a lot of stress lately, so I blamed it on that. Turned out I was wrong.

It was big news, huge even, and I had a lot to think about. But there was one thing that I knew with certainty—I was keeping this baby. I could be a single mother, plenty of women did it. Right?

I bent my head down, looking at my tummy, knowing our little embryo was right there, developing and growing every second. I’ve decided I’m going to tell your daddy, little one.

My getting pregnant was never part of the plan, but then again neither was Deacon and I sleeping together when he was home to see Damon. It was one night, a small blimp in time really. But it was enough to create a life.

Since that night, we hadn’t connected, no letters or calls. It was exactly what we promised each other—one night. That was about all my heart could handle. But now, with this, I wasn’t so sure one night was all it’d ever be. He’d always be part of my life, part of our baby’s life. Knowing I was carrying his baby made me feel closer to him, which scared me beyond belief because it gave me a false sense of hope that we could pick up where we left off and start the life I always thought we’d have together.

It was bad enough I still spent time with his mother, even after all these years. Now, it was less so, but when she called, I never told her no. I couldn’t. She was always like a second mother to me. Maybe I liked it that way. I really didn’t know anymore. I was more confused now than ever. Frankly, it was a little sick to think I tortured myself this way, staying close to his mother, but I just couldn’t cut her out of my life just because her son left me.

The holler coming from Deacon’s mother, Mary, broke me from my thoughts. Did you find a shirt to change into?

Yes, I shouted back. I pulled the shirt over my stomach and covered myself, remembering why I was upstairs in Deacon’s room to begin with. I made a mess of mine while Mary and I were baking cookies, mixing the damn batter right out of the bowl. I was always a mess in the kitchen.

I pulled my arms in and clutched his shirt, breathing it in. It smelled like Deacon. Before closing the door to his room, I looked back and sighed. We’re going to have a baby, I whispered. I knew full well I was talking to myself, but until I could tell Deacon the good news, this would have to do.

By the time I got downstairs and walked back into the kitchen, my eyes caught sight of a bowl of hard-boiled eggs on the counter. I quirked a brow and made my way over to the other side of the counter where Mary was. Are you making egg salad? I asked.

She looked up at me and smiled at the sight of me in her son’s shirt, but it wasn’t just a smile. There was a look of sadness that flashed in her eyes, albeit brief, gone almost as fast as it came, it was still there. I assumed it was that sadness that drove her to stay as busy as she always was, avoiding it.

Mary cooked when we were in high school and did love to bake occasionally, but it was taken to a whole new level once her boys left. I supposed if I had any skills in the kitchen, I would’ve leaned into the same, making it therapeutic. But I didn’t. That was why I stuck to the law. I was much better at being a lawyer than I was a chef or baker.

Deviled eggs, she said in her matter-of-fact way. Why don’t you help me prep the eggs? Toss the yolks in this bowl and I’ll mash and mix in the ingredients. Then I have a piping bag somewhere around here to fill them.

I did as she asked and began tossing the yolks in the bowl. It was odd to think, but I wasn’t the least bit domestic. For heaven’s sake, I burnt rice. And my last attempt at macaroni and cheese was too milky. I liked to try new restaurants and order in. Even if I could cook, I worked a lot, so I rarely had time to have a home-cooked meal. I lived alone, so I brought my work home most nights. I supposed all of that was going to change once my baby arrived.

Perhaps I could ask Mary to teach me how to cook.

I could always hire a live-in chef. My mother had been urging me to do that for a while now. After all, I could afford it, and that way I wouldn’t have to worry about learning how to cook a decent meal. Especially now, I knew I needed to make some changes to stay healthy for my baby. It was all so much to think about.

Deciding those things could wait for now, I gushed, You make the best deviled eggs.

That’s sweet of you to say, but I’m no better than anyone else.

You’re better than my mother. If she didn’t have a personal chef cooking for her and my dad, she wouldn’t know what to do. I’m telling you, Mary, you’re pretty awesome.

Thank you, dear, she said. Now get to peeling those shells.

As I did that, we fell into an easy conversation. She began talking about Deacon when he was younger and how much he loved cooking with her.

I chuckled, listening to Mary’s story. Yeah, Deke always told me you taught him everything he knows in the kitchen, I said.

I knew that the woman he cooked for would appreciate it one day. It’s important all my boys know how to fend for themselves and cooking is an important thing to know. I started them all at a young age.

I supposed I never thought about it that way, but Mary was right.

I only wished I could be half the mother to my child as Mary was to her children. In a lot of ways, I looked up to her.

She looked up from what she was doing and asked, How are you holding up these days?

I shrugged, trying to make light of the fact that I was having a hard time. Not sure how much she knew, I replied, I’m okay. It was hard enough as it was when Deacon and I broke up and hadn’t seen each other. But, now, knowing that this baby tied him to me, and that he’d always be in my life, suddenly made things a lot harder, but she didn’t need me dumping all that on her.

One day things will work out. I know he still loves you, she said, but immediately looked apologetic for letting it come out.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. It’s okay. I reopened them and grinned. I’m a big girl and I can handle a little heartbreak. What a load of shit that was.

Mary sighed. Oh, dear, you don’t have to pretend with me. I know these things take time.

When I didn’t answer, only nodded, she went on. If you don’t mind me asking, does any part of you still love him?

My eyes widened with shock. That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Of course, I still loved him. But it was complicated. I looked down at the eggs for a welcome distraction. I wanted to be honest with her, so she understood where I was coming from. "I don’t think I’ll ever not love your son."

However, I couldn’t think about that right now.

At least I was trying not to think about any of it.

I had a feeling with this baby on the way all I was going to think about was my love for Deacon, his family, and how my baby and I were going to fit into all of it. Although, the more I thought about it, the more I was overcome with emotion. This was quickly becoming one of those times.

I peered down at my stomach and smiled, not for the first time today, wondering how I could keep this secret from any of them any longer, but especially Mary. I was never any good at keeping secrets.

Mary deserved to know that she was going to be a grandmother to a beautiful baby girl or boy. Secretly I hoped for a girl, one that I can share my love of fashion with and stay up all hours of the night when she got older and gossip about true love and drama between her and her friends. A giggle almost escaped me just thinking about it.

Deacon. Oh, he would want a boy. Or maybe he’d want a girl.

Then it hit me.

We never really talked about any of that.

I mean, there was no reason to. He left when we were still so young. Of course, we’d talked about never being with anyone else but each other. Heck, we loved each other unconditionally. But kids? We never really talked about it. I knew he wanted them, but how many? Boys or girls?

My heart began racing just thinking about it and I thought I may have a panic attack. I couldn’t do this, not alone. I needed him. Damn, Deacon had to be here for this.

Mary must’ve noticed the change in me because she looked worried as she asked, Are you okay, Jenna?

I needed a paper bag, but I didn’t say anything, just nodded, trying to keep my breathing even, my heart rate down. I didn’t need to go getting all nervous or panicked right now. There was no way any of that could be good for my baby.

This was all I’d ever wanted, really. I yearned for a big family like the Ryders. Their holidays were always filled with so much love and laughter. And soon I was going to welcome a new Ryder into the world.

And, who knew, one day maybe I’d become a Ryder myself. This baby gave me hope of that. But was it foolish to think?

I watched Mary go back and forth from the fridge to the counter, putting away ingredients she’d already used. She was so caring, so compassionate. She deserved to know. But before Deacon? It didn’t feel right, but I wasn’t exactly sure when I’d get to tell him. I had to tell someone, though, and Mary was always so good to me. That was it. I had to tell her. I didn’t want to wait another second. Maybe then I could talk these things through aloud with someone else, instead of making my head spin