Complete Without Kids: 2nd Edition: 2nd Edition An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance

By Ph.D. Ellen L. Walker

 In Complete Without Kids, clinical psychologist Ellen L. Walker examines the often-ignored question of what it means to be childfree, by choice or by circumstance, in a family-focused society. Recognizing that there is no one type of childfree adult, the author guides the reader through the positive and negative aspects of childfre

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D.
• Release date: Apr 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9798869282040

Book preview

COMPLETE WITHOUT KIDS

An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living, By Choice or By Chance, 2nd Edition

ELLEN L. WALKER, PH.D.

Copyright © Ellen L. Walker 2024

All Rights Reserved

ISBN: 978-1-917185-74-5

ISBN: 978-1-917185-73-8

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the author's prior written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please get in touch with the author.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgment

About the Author

Praise For  Complete Without Kids

Preface

Introduction

CHAPTER 1 THE PATH TO CHILDFREE

Chapter 2 CHILDFREE DECISION MAKING: A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK

CHAPTER3 CHILDFREE PERSONALITIES

CHAPTER 4 CHILDFREE DAYS

CHAPTER 5 LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

Chapter 6 HEALTH, FINANCES, AND FUTURE PLANNING

CHAPTER 7 FUTURE DIRECTIONS

CHILDFREE SOURCES

Dedication

To all the childfree adults who generously shared their stories and brought this book to life

Acknowledgment

I am thankful for the support and assistance from my editor, Sara Young. I also thank the individuals and couples who came forward to share their stories with me. I would not have been able to complete the book without the enduring support of my husband, Chris Portman and my parents, Marjorie and George Walker, who believe in me and have stuck by me from day one.

About the Author

Ellen L. Walker was born and raised in Jackson, Mississippi. She lived in Japan, Maine, and North Carolina before settling down in Bellingham, Washington in 1991 to open a private practice in clinical psychology. Dr. Walker and her psychologist husband, Chris, enjoy an adventure-filled life with their two Border Terriers, Scuppers and Figgi.

Praise For

Complete Without Kids

Having reviewed Dr. Walker’s book, I’m very excited for the Childfree community. Her expertise, research, and personal experience shine through. Her book will be a necessary read for anyone exploring the childfree/childless topic, whether out of curiosity or personal choices regarding such an important decision. I hope more young people will explore the idea of becoming childfree, in addition to examining their own reasons for wanting to become a parent. Complete Without Kids provides a timely look into the reasons individuals become either Childfree or childless. Insightful, well-researched, and compassionate.

—Cara Swann, author and freelance writer

Like becoming a parent, ‘childfree’ living is an option best left to each individual to decide. Dr. Walker’s guide is a wonderful tool, whether you are ‘childfree’ by choice, circumstance, or happenstance, to help you understand you are not alone. You will see yourself in this book.

—Linda McCarthy, executive director, Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood

Helpful, supportive, and thought-provoking are terms I would use to describe Complete Without Kids. I recommend it to those who are considering or who have embarked upon a Childfree life for whatever reasons. Dr. Walker’s own story and those of the people she interviewed let Childfree people know that they are in good company.

—Dr. Karen M. Aronoff, PsyD, clinical psychologist

As a young adult entering a phase in my life when questions and pressures regarding future choices are plentiful, I found that Dr. Walker’s book provides a much-needed exploration of Childfree living. By incorporating real-life accounts with psychological insight, Dr. Walker sheds an important awareness on a population of families that are often overlooked because they do not have children. While transitioning into adulthood during a time of constant global economic and environmental concern, it is critical that upcoming generations are empowered with a sense of responsibility and choice, which is one of the many ways that Dr. Walker’s book is a success.

—Anna Wolff, psychology student, Western Washington University.

I do not want kids! I do want mega money, vast vacations, freedom, and, of course, a copy of this book. It takes a very special person not to make babies unlike [most people who] only thereafter realize the lifelong ramifications and responsibilities.

—Christopher M. Puzzele, Esq., creator of

IDoNOTWantKids.com

Preface

Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance is a project that began a number of years ago in the pages of my personal journal. At the time, the topic was unique, and there was a slim choice of books and online resources on the topic. The simple action of signing up for a daylong writing course led to me sharing my idea with a group of fellow dreamers. And thus, Complete Without Kids moved from a concept to a reality.

Much has changed in our world in the seventeen years since I attended that writing seminar, and it has been clear to me that an update was much needed. With the support and assistance from my editor, Sara Young, I have been able to do so in a few short months. I am very thankful to Sara for leading me through this project.

I am also grateful to the women, men, and couples who came forward to share their stories for this revision. Allowing me to enter into the rooms of their personal lives has been a gift that is truly cherished and much appreciated.  

I would not have been able to complete the book without the enduring support of my husband, Chris Portman. Chris listened to hours of brainstorming and encouraged me to write rather than play on weekend mornings. 

I am appreciative, as always, of my parents, Marjorie and George Walker, who believe in me and have stuck by me from day one.

Introduction

It’s hard to believe, but Complete Without Kids is more than ten years old!  I blinked, and the time flew by. The world has changed in ways I never could have imagined, and as the world has changed, it has changed all of us along with it. This new edition of Complete Without Kids provides an update on many of the reasons behind the decision to choose a Childfree life. Many of these reasons simply did not exist or were less pronounced back in 2010 when I began my initial project. Back then, a worldwide pandemic seemed more like a movie plot than a real-world problem. Social media was still very much in its infancy, and we had only scratched the surface of the inequities within genders, races, and classes that shape so much of our society.

When my first edition was published, the term Childfree was hotly debated and often considered an insult to parents. These days, I seldom hear the term Childless being used, an indication of the fact that not being a parent is a life choice as opposed to a sacrifice. I have also noticed a major shift in the comfort that I sense when asking others about parenting decisions and choices. The Childfree stigma has faded, and with it, the need to defend one’s choices.

The world is different, and the way we consider parenthood has also changed. The need for a new edition of Complete Without Kids reflects the shifts in perspectives on every single decision related to parenting. The choice to adopt a Childfree life is more relatable in a world where costs have gone up, and stability has become increasingly elusive. Every adult considering or adapting to a life without children will find something useful in this update.

As I look back on the events that have unfolded in our world over thirteen years, I’m keenly aware of how much has occurred in my own life. I am now a pseudo-grandmother to my stepdaughter’s two children. She and her family live in another state, so I am not a part of their daily life. The occasional visits are delightful as well as exhausting, and at the end of the day, I get to go on with my Childfree life. My stepdaughter is a full-time working mom who, fortunately, has a supportive spouse and the financial means to make managing parenting and career-building feasible. My stepson lives in Japan, and he has chosen a single life with little desire to become a parent. I feel much more connected to my stepchildren, now adults in middle life, than I did when I wrote the first edition of this book.

I have watched the rising number of young adults seriously consider the Childfree option and many more who have chosen to be permanently childfree. There seems to be a growing awareness of the commitments that come with parenting and the relative lack of support from outside of the family unit, at least in the United States. More than ever, young adults are worried about the financial cost, the sacrifice to their career, personal time, and even relationships. For other young adults, there are concerns about the environment, safety, and the possibility of nuclear war, and a greater awareness of the reality of these issues. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the provisional general fertility rate (GFR) for the United States fell from 64.7 births per 1000 women in 2010 to 55.8 births per 1000 women in 2020. In a sample representative of United States demographics, a 2022 survey conducted by Michigan State University found that 21.6% of Michigan adults do not want children.

The writing of Complete Without Kids was enormously helpful to me personally as it gave me a sense of closure and peace around my decision not to become a mother. It also helped me to develop the tools needed to talk with dozens of other adults of all varieties about their own decisions on this personal matter. The decision to become a parent is still life-long, no matter what else has changed. It can’t be altered and is often a deal-breaker in relationships, career decisions and other significant choices.

In this edition, I touch base with some of the individuals and couples who shared their stories for my first edition and share some of my own experiences from the past thirteen years as well. This update has allowed me to reach out to a broader demographic to hear more relevant stories for today’s world. Once again, this project has enabled me to enter the private spaces of personal life journeys in order to better understand the intricacies of these travels. As always, this is a huge privilege that cannot be overstated.

I invite you once again to join me in exploring the journey and embracing the destination of a Childfree life.

CHAPTER 1

THE PATH TO CHILDFREE

I think we have to make choices in life, and the choice for me was to embrace all person-kind rather than concentrate on one single individual. The universal is what I’ve selected.

—Leo Buscaglia

Do you have children? It's a common question most adults hear when meeting new people, and most parents respond to this question with a simple Yes. The conversation that follows about the names, ages, and activities of their children becomes a reflex. Not too long ago, when I would say, No, I don’t have kids, my response would most often be followed by silence because people didn’t know what to say. Should they ask about my reasons for not having had kids? If I were of childbearing age, they might ask if children were in my plans. At that point, the conversation would become awkward and personal.  I used to handle it by reassuring them that I'm fine with not having kids. After that, I would ask them about their own children. With the shift to this safer topic, the feeling of relief would be palpable.

Times have changed. More people than ever are going childfree, but for those who don’t choose this, the conversation can be devastating. I can only imagine how painful this discussion must feel for a couple who has tried but failed to have children or for someone who had a child but lost them through some tragic life event. Even a content, Childfree adult may worry that the other person is wondering if they dislike children. The topic might remind them of their own ambivalence about not having kids. But Childfree adults share similarities with many other unique groups in that while there are myriad reasons for being childfree, we have all experienced feeling misunderstood or left out.

As you will read, there isn't just one type of Childfree adult. Childfree strategies are as unique as parenting strategies.  Our behind-the-scenes stories are often complex and always personal. To simplify, I have divided categories into three groups. The largest of the three is comprised of people who might have had kids if their lives had taken a different route. For them, it never happened. Those who report that they always knew they didn’t want to have kids make up the second group; this is a growing demographic as more and more young adults contemplate their choices at an earlier age and with greater acceptance of divergent lifestyles. Then, there are those who wanted to but couldn’t have children and are grieving this absence in their lives. Although I have organized these individuals into three groups- Childfree by Happenstance, Childfree by Choice, and Childfree by Circumstance- the lines between categories are often blurred. As with any life situation, there are positives and negatives, joys and pains associated with being childfree.

Childfree by Happenstance:

It Just Never Happened

For me, the price was that I never married and never had children because there was never time. And if I had ever decided to do any of that, it would have taken Fleetwood Mac off for two years, and the band would have broken up. So that wasn’t even acceptable. That wasn’t even a choice.

—Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac

Many Childfree adults, including myself, ended up not being parents due to situational factors and didn’t really spend much time contemplating the decision. I grew up in a traditional Southern home where my family expected that I’d go to college, earn my Mrs. degree, and start a family right away. My older brother married his high school sweetheart and then dutifully began the process of becoming a father.  Following in his footsteps never seemed like an option for me—I wanted to choose my own path in life. Like all the other girls I grew up with, I babysat, but I would only agree to watch children whose parents put them to bed before I arrived. I was seldom around babies. By the time I had my first real boyfriend, I was in college and into being a free spirit. I didn’t want to be held back by anything. When I started the first edition of Complete Without Kids, I was forty-eight years old and had never changed a diaper, and now, at the age of sixty-three, the same is true.

As I entered my mid-thirties, I occasionally wondered if I would regret not having children. I felt pressure, mostly from myself, to produce a grandchild for my parents. It was also around this time that two of my best friends unexpectedly became pregnant. But the