She Speaks Out Loud: The Story Journal

By Michelle D. Wilson

Within the pages of this journal, are some of my victories, challenges, and hardships infused with a sense of hope and freedom, encouraging us to trust and embrace something greater than ourselves This opens the doorway for women/girls of all races and religions who have been silenced or have been told to silence their unspoken stories because of shame, guilt, and doubt that cause them to remain in bondage to old hurts, pains, and struggles. By being transparent, this sets us free, word by word, page by page as we take this journal journey together. By being transparent and accepting where I was brought about, a strength that I’ve never had before, a strength that was not my own, a strength was founded only through my relationship with the Creator—God himself.

I pray that this journal bless, encourage, and create a boldness to hold your head up with the confidence and freedom to speak out loud. Great Reminder: You may think that one of the worst things in the world is when people talk about you and tell lies on you and/or the ones that you thought truly were your friends and had your back, but!

This is so far from the truth. One of the worst things is that we believe and accept what they say, which means we are calling God the Creator of all things a liar.

God is not like man/us. He cannot and will never lie to us.

Peel the layers back, Queen, and move forward in who God has created you to be!

Believe.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 20, 2024
• ISBN: 9798369417218

Michelle D. Wilson

Michelle Deneen Wilson was born in Saint Mary’s, Georgia, and raised up in the Camden County Community. Here is where Michelle would establish her foundational beliefs, where she was able to learn about the power of faith, family, and friendship. She is a proud mother, daughter,friend, sister, wife and a child of God. She is the creator of an all-natural hair and body butter line called Gunnies Butters that was established in 2014. Michelle began her journey of single motherhood at the age of twenty-two. Afraid, clueless, immature, and with an enormous challenge ahead, she struggled with the balancing act of parenting. By age twenty-five, Michelle would become a single mother of a daughter and son. This journey was difficult and sometimes full of depressive moments, but she was able to find encouragement staring into the faces of her beautiful children. One of her greatest accomplishments was maintaining the love for her children through the good and bad situations. Eventually in this journey, Michelle would have to face the reality of needing to know about this God that others spoke of. She desired something greater than her own ways and actions to direct her path.

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Copyright © 2024 by Michelle D. Wilson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 03/20/2024

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

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CONTENTS

Thanks to You

Introduction

Become a Woman

Self-Inflicted Wounds

The Spirit of Wisdom

Just Call It What It Is

Get Rid of the Secret

I Cannot Fight My Battles with Your Tools

Salvation for My Family

Measure What Is Really True

Need for Mentoring and Being Mentored

My Associations

Empower or Enabler

I’m Under Construction

Discomfort Is Necessary

Risks

A Confrontation with the Spirit of Fear

Don’t Be a Crybaby

Broken Things

Resetting My Priorities

I’m Jacked Up

My Attitude

Perception versus Reality

Step It Up

Adjusting My Perspective

Managing My Emotions

My Plans . . . God’s Purpose

Shadow Living

Total Healing

Cinderella

Nothing’s Changing

Stay Tuned

My Responsibility

Lukewarm

Protect the Three Gates

Mismanagement of My Gift

Know My Spouse

The Lesser Light

Maintaining Godliness under Pressure

Participate in the Crucifixion

Frustration

Remain Covered

#BIG Commitment

THANKS TO YOU

F IRST, I WOULD like to thank God the Creator for entrusting me with such a gift to share with many. I want to thank my parents, James Arthur Hill Sr. and Joice Jenkins-Hill, for a love that can never be replaced nor mimicked. Thank you both for applying pressure at times, even when I didn’t like it nor did I really understand it, but now I do. It created in me such a push, a strength that through it all I can do and be whatever I choose to. I just have to fight and never give up. Thank you both for showing how to just be me even in my brokenness. No matter what, as you would always say, Mom, God got it, and He does even when I don’t unders tand.

To my one and only big brother, James (Jimmie), and my beautiful sisters,

Donna, Georgette, Petrina, and Priscilla, thank you all for your unconditional love and believing in me

To My Children

My First Born: Kiara A. Simmons

I thank God for you. In this mixed world and in that twenty-two-year-old mind of mine, I had no clue how to raise you. Thank you for opening up my heart to a whole new love that I never imagined existed. I never knew how to give nor receive this type of love until you came along. There were many challenging times, but we made it through them all. My choice to just do something out of a messed-up situation ended up with God giving me a gift, not a regret. I would do it all over again just to hear those words you would say, Mom! Life was no longer about me, it was all about you my love, and I wouldn’t change it nor trade it for anything. I love you always and forever my girl!

To My Son: Dequan Tre Hill

I thank God for you. Thank you for teaching me how to love even when I didn’t at times receive it back. You would give grace and mercy. I thank you for helping me to see me through things I would be going through. You would say, Well, Mom, maybe you should look at it like this. Even with you there, deep inside I held onto the fear of failing, but confidence radiated in your face. Beholding that confidence made me feel as if I could conquer the world; as long as you loved me, nothing mattered. I love you always and forever, my guy!

To My Bonus Daughter: Jaunice M. Wilson

I thank God for entrusting me with a bonus daughter. Although not by blood, but the love of a mother has no stipulations nor limits. I thank you for trusting me with your heart piece by piece. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to be a part of your most intimate moments. l love you, my girl, always.

To my grand daughter, Dallas Kynnedi Simmons

God knew what my heart needed when you came along. He created you for such a time as this—for our growth, for our healing, for our deliverance, and for restoration needed in our family. My hope for you is to always be true to who you are and whose you are by building a solid relationship with God. As you read this, either I’m here or gone, know that there is nothing wrong with emotions. We just can’t allow them to overtake us. There is nothing wrong with tears. There is nothing wrong when we become weak. Know that that’s when God is strong and He can do his perfect work in you. Know that different isn’t wrong. It’s who you are. It’s who God created you to be.

Never forget that you cannot pour from an empty cup—meaning, you have to make sure that you are whole and healed or on the path to healing in order to give to others. You are wanted. You are loved. You are special. You are an amazing flower just waiting to bloom into the woman that God has created you to be, so embrace the good, the sometimes challenging and the indifferent, and live, laugh, and love you first. I love you, my grand princess. To you, I’m called Gaw and/or Granny. They both make my heart smile.

To My Husband: Calvin A. Wilson Jr.

Thank you for being my childhood friend. I thank God for you always being a part of my life even when our lives took many different turns and paths. God had a different plan for us even when we thought we had our plans secured. I loved you then, my childhood friend, and I love you now! My love, my husband, I pray for many more years with you.

To my journey of sadness, brokenness, shame, discouragement, and doubt, I thank you for it all. These are the things that created a strength in me I thought I never had. They created an ability within me to press, push, and persevere on to the next!!

The Hook

In this journal, we will travel down roads paved with past experiences, feats, and struggles. At the crossroads, we will encounter a sense of hope and freedom. The intersection is where we will be allowed to embrace and trust in something greater than ourselves. The main objective of this journal is to open the doorway for women and girls of all races and religions. Those who have been silenced or been told to be silent.

Maybe you were told to keep your story hidden because of shame and guilt. Doubt has overwhelmed you and caused you to remain in bondage to old hurts, pains, and struggles. We will join together in transparency while being ushered into a state of freedom word by word and page by page. I have arrived at this conclusion by being transparent, and accepting where I am brings about a strength that I never knew existed in me. It is a strength not of my own, but one birthed through a foundational relationship with my Creator. God Himself.

My prayer is this journal will bless, encourage, and create a boldness in you that will inspire you to hold your head up in confidence. Access your freedom to SPEAK OUT LOUD!

INTRODUCTION

S URROUNDED BY CHAOS, consumed by my fears, and deceived by emot ions.

I fall face down without hope. My hands clenched tightly to the little rope that remains. It has been a few challenging seasons in my life and the hope that I cling to feels like a strand of thread. It appears to my emotions that the ones closest to me, my circumstances, and the emotional decisions that I made in the world and much more have turned their backs on my purpose. There in a field of lies, the shadow of my existence stands. I have run out of tears and the drops have turned my foundation into muddiness.

My hands are unclean, and my sins have formed into a heavy weight, making it difficult for me to stand. The foundation I stood on was once solid, but under my present circumstances, it has become unstable; and according to how I was responding at the moment, it all became unbearable.

Yes, I see you over there staring at my failures and awaiting my demise. It is perfectly okay because I take a look into the mirror of defeat and share the same view as you. Once upon a time, I saw beauty and grace. I embraced victory and draped myself in royalty, but now I cannot see through the mud of my situation. Those that look upon me express themselves loudly shouting, Baby, she SOL! Well according to them, I am s——t outta luck! I am so grateful that my life is not based on what’s according to them. Now, at the place where I fell on my face, there shined a light on my frail frame. This light (God) cast a shadow of me standing tall and speaking to my situation. The shadow gave me confidence to stand and confront those things attempting to keep me down. Instead of surrendering to my circumstances and remaining silent, I chose to speak out loud to them. The onlookers that shouted before can shout loudly again, "She SOL!" for real, because now she really speaks out loud! I encourage every woman to join me on this journal journey to become a woman who boldly speaks out loud!

BECOME A WOMAN

P SALMS 139:14: NEW International Version- (NIV)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Have you ever been in a place of feeling as if you were not good enough? Comparing yourself to what you think people /society says you should be? That was me!

There were things in my life that I wanted to do and be but fear kept me from taking those steps past my dark skin that I was not comfortable with . . . (SILLY ME) . . . by feeling this way it caused me to be oh so careful around people because I always heard: for a dark skinned girl you are pretty!

What a seed to plant! What about this one? Man you are pretty but you would be BAD if you weren’t so SKINNY! . . . when I think back on these comments in my head I am like what was I thinking? Why did I let this control me?

Have you had any of these comments or perhaps your own negative experiences that you allowed to shape you? And what did you do or perhaps what are you doing to push past these comments that almost shaped you /my life forever.

I began to blame people for the way these comments made me feel. I began to act out in a way with a spirit of offense when anyone would say something to me that I didn’t like I would respond in a negative way or give this look. Mean mugging is what they called it in my time. Lol!

It wasn’t until I got tired of these actions, tired of trying to prove to people that I really have changed. It can become draining, tiresome and yes lonely. I was on a search for something greater... something that could take the anger and hurt away.

All the broken pieces in my life could only began to be developed by God that I had heard of . . . that I knew existed but I thought that I had to be this PERFECT person in order to serve Him..

Not so Queen! This too came from those broken beliefs about me that I allowed to get into my heart and believe them. So with all the imperfections that was told to me I just knew that God wasn’t the route I needed to take so I wavered for a bit and whew Chile! Yes! It drained me . . . Lol!

I got tired of me. There I was a woman in numbers but a child in my brokenness . . . in my confused state of truly knowing who and who’s I am.. How do you know