Amazed

By Derrick H Jones

This book is the evidence of God’s grace through life’s challenges. It is about overcoming and learning to preserve through the seasons of life. The goal of this work is to encourage the human race to learn to trust God, not by our mere words but through actions. The author hopes that the experiences he encountered and still does, will inspire others to acknowledge that there is purpose for pain. The aim is to challenge everyone to learn to embrace their unexpected challenges as a route to personal growth of character and resilience to the seasons of life. The book will encourage and inspire readers to keep the faith and not to surrender to the choice of quitting.

Reading this book will help people to realise that we are all made from the same resilient material to overcome anything, because we are made in the image of God. Readers can take comfort and be content in knowing that all things work together for God’s glory and for our good and growth.

The story is about the author’s ordinary life through the unexpected, purposed, challenges he endured. It’s not about rags to riches, but about learning to grow and be enriched through life’s adversities. It’s about a boy encountering the ugly side of life, a young man seeking answers, fighting questions, finding himself. It’s about a man who is favoured by love, challenged by the separation of love and anticipating the arrival of perfect love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Derrick H Jones
• Release date: Nov 14, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463729588

Book preview

Chapter 1

Nothing Distinctive, But Purposed

My story is not unique, neither do I claim to be a prime example of Job. I consider myself a mere token of grace. Even though I am more than an overcomer according to His word, I often feel defeated in the midst of trials and testing. However, I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight, and am learning to understand that Christianity is not a religion, but an intimate, growing relationship with Christ. All I hope for is to be an expression of His amazing goodness, grace, and love to everyone I am blessed to influence. I sincerely hope that God will see the radical change in me exclusively for His glory and for my growth. One of the most radical declarations I have made is the fact, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death. I know that I had the tendency to focus on living in the power of His resurrection, but was unwilling to be a participant in His suffering (Philippians 3:10 (ESV). And I know now, that is where growth occurs. It occurs when we accept that there is no good in any of us.

God’s intention was, and will always be, to use our imperfections, our weaknesses and failures to elevate us to become recipients of grace. It is my intention to assist those who are hopeless to catch a glimpse of His incredible hope during their individual life trials. I am learning that Endurance produces character, and character produces hope. I want the broken and hurt to realise that being in the valley of despair doesn’t imply that He is leaving us comfortless and hopeless. His intention remains that we should become familiar with His manifest presence, especially in the valley of the shadow of death. I want those feeling unworthy to lift their bowed heads and experience His uplifting mercy. I want the undeserving to know that He takes pleasure in restoring their honour.

I know that I failed Him countless times and questioned His ways and purpose. I could not and still cannot figure out His reasoning for sanctioning my unstable journey through life. This included various challenges in our marriage and the death of my wife, the mother of our children. My human mind can still process the reasons, yet my desperate questions were somehow answered in His silent display of unconditional love. The Word says, For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away (1 Corinthians 13v 9-10). For now I am learning that to rest in that assurance is all I need to know.

The road ahead is still uncharted, daunting and mysterious, but I know that I am learning to trust that He is the Navigator of my destiny. Christ started the journey with me and I trust that He will be with me along the way. He will walk with me through the process and wait for me when it is complete. Somehow I have learnt that when I don’t know what and how to pray, He knows me by name. I’m learning to be still, stand back, surrender and stop any form of resistance. I know that He is God and still in control with plans intact. I can concur with His word where He reassures us to, Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV). I am under no illusion that it will be plain sailing, because I know that vessels are built for rough seas. I know that the ‘evil trinity’ - me, myself and I, and the accuser of the brethren (Satan), will relentlessly try to discourage me. I know that I will fail. I know that I will be exposed to fear and doubt, but I know that irrespective of my flaws, His grace towards me is flawless.

I just can’t give up now! My original starting point is already too far away and nobody said that the road would be easy. But I can’t believe that He would have brought me this far to leave me. The gospel artist Mary Mary, must have had me in mind when she sang her well-known song. I am learning to live according to the principles of her song, through seasons of inevitable change, challenges and ultimately, eternal consolation with Him and our loved ones in eternity.

Chapter 2

My Story of Grace

At various stages my life has been punctuated by a number of unrelenting whys. Why was I born a coloured? We were considered a little superior to the blacks, but definitely inferior to the whites! Why was I born deprived of financial, emotional and affectionate blessings? Why wasn’t I born and raised in a healthy family unit where God’s love and care was the foundation? My developing mind couldn’t figure out all the whys which plagued me.

It seemed as if I was born on the wrong side of the fence, because I born to a mother who didn’t know how, or couldn’t raise a child under such adverse conditions. I don’t judge or despise her, even though I confess it was really difficult at times. I had a father who wasn’t even there at my birth. Biologically he was no more than a sperm donor. I lacked the comfort of my own bed in our own home, but was placed in the care of my grandma’s sister. I had no idea why I was there. In fact I thought that she was my mother and called her ‘Mommy’ from the day I could speak. To think that the first person I called ‘Mommy’ was my grandma’s sister!

My sister and I were raised in a household of women, with no father figure. As a toddler, I tried to figure out why there was no man in the household as I was surrounded by women of all ages. The house teemed with family members so I had to share a bed with my teenage cousin. At the time I didn’t understand why, but later realised that there was nowhere else to sleep.

That was my first horrible encounter, not of sexual awakening, but sexual exploitation. I just went through the motions at her command. That sexual pre-awakening has haunted my emotions ever since. I had no idea of how to do it and she had to force my tiny manhood to become erect. I can’t recall the pain I endured but am certain that it was abhorrent in all respects. I can’t tell how many times I had to face that evil, but all I know is that I was too young to enjoy the unpleasant sensation. Perhaps that was the underlying cause of my lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and timidity. I was often petrified at the slightest hint of danger for no obvious reason. I developed a fear of going to bed because my developing mind knew that I couldn’t fight back. I wet the bed countless times, perhaps subconsciously preparing myself for the horrific encounter with her. I was constantly spanked by my aunties and their daughters for wetting the bed. To them, it seemed that I was naughty and too lazy to go to the toilet to relieve myself. Clearly, they didn’t know of the trauma and fear that overwhelmed me as each night loomed.

My mother visited us occasionally whenever she had time. Each visit raised our hopes that she would take us out of the house, but it just never happened. It amazes me that I can still recall those moments of loneliness and sadness, not in any great detail, but definitely not forgotten. My mother never stayed long and often it would be weeks or months before we saw her again. She was employed as a full-time helper, meaning that she had to sleep on the premises to take care of the affluent whites’ basic needs. In our minds, it seemed that she enjoyed her life without us. We had to accept the situation without question. How I needed a mother in my life, but I sincerely believed my sister needed her more. At that stage of my childhood, I couldn’t understand why we could only see my mother occasionally and why my father was never around. All the other kids seemed to have their parents with them. All this definitely contributed to the onset of our insecurities and low self-esteem.

When I was eight years old, my mother took us to stay with her sister, Aunty Patty. We were too young to understand why we had to leave our previous home, and no excuse was offered. I couldn’t figure out why we had to leave a proper house to move to an informal settlement, but was grateful that I didn’t have to stay with my cousin any longer. I am thankful that my mother removed us from that house of immorality. God knows what would have happened if we had continued to stay there. I know that she always had our best interests at heart, despite her shortcomings. I recently told her that I am eternally grateful that even in her ignorance, she did the right thing to remove us from that environment.

Soon we became part of another family. We didn’t understand why, but we will be eternally grateful that Aunty Patty fostered us. She treated us as part of her own family. Of course, we didn’t know what transpired behind the scenes. All I knew for certain was that she relied on the Lord for her strength and independence. She was a widow with four children and was employed as a general worker. My sister and I added an extra burden to her household expenses but she considered us as her own children.

She was extraordinary to say the least, an exceptionally kind and loving woman of virtue and tenacity. Before long I grasped her secret. She knew and still knows a God who has all these qualities and many more. Her imperfection was what kept her on her knees, knowing that she would never have made it without the grace and love of God. She never allowed us to feel or know that we were outsiders, but loved us with a love that only God and a mother could give. I now know how she managed to raise all of us with mediocre wages. I didn’t have to know then, but now I know that it was through the grace of God. Her children (as kids often are) were reluctant at first to accept us as part of their family, but time and circumstances often change perceptions. Our developing minds couldn’t comprehend all these changes, but I know that deep within all we ever hoped for was a stable family unit. This we saw in our new family members, in our surroundings and magazines.

As children we never knew the meaning of words such as: luxury, wealth, wants and excess. All that we were accustomed to involved lack, need and usually, second-hand clothes. Yet somehow, we were happy. We enjoyed playing barefoot, not because we wanted to, but we didn’t have the luxury of having shoes to play in. It was never an embarrassment or a disgrace to ask other family members or neighbours for financial assistance. As a child, I tried to figure out things my way. I believe that our perception of life starts right there, during childhood and the shaping of whom we perceive ourselves to be, starts right there in our environment.

I know I must have wondered why we were not blessed to be born into a stable, well-off family structure. We heard and sang choruses in church and Sunday school that God loves and cares deeply for us, but then why did we get confused about His love and care? It seemed as if we depended on the generosity and hospitality of others in order to survive, not God’s love and care. We were classified as being disadvantaged children, without the care of a family (mother and father). Fortunately, we qualified for a monthly government welfare grant. Sometimes arguments arose within the family regarding the welfare grant, but all we cared about was being in a home. My aunt loved us regardless of all the obstacles and never failed to care for us as best she could.

Sometimes when our mother came to visit us, she would bring some second-hand clothes from her rich employers, toys and sweets. We would be so excited about the new clothes and toys, and just seeing her was a treat. It was like Christmas, and our eyes shone with delight as we eagerly accepted the second-hand clothing cast off by the white people.

When an argument over financial support arose, my mother would remove us from the comfort of my aunt’s home. But we always returned, because she knew that she wasn’t capable of taking care of us. My aunt was always ready to take us back into the family and I was always happy to get back to her sons. It was wonderful to be carefree and enjoy the freedom of being a child in that home. Unfortunately the years spent with my grandma’s sister and her family had been really confusing and had a detrimental impact on our young lives.

The extended family gatherings during the festive period, or just celebrating some event, were memorable occasions. How I used to love those times of singing hymns and classical songs around the fire. My uncles loved to indulge in having a few drinks, yet for us with our previous household experiences, it was the norm. We were really happy to be able to live together through those tough times and played outside until dusk - every sport, every season.

The adults cared about one another and the family was a united front. We shared everything with one another when there was little or no money available. We stayed in my aunt’s informal house for a long time, but later moved to a house with the family. Although we were poverty-stricken, the community always seemed to pull together and provide help of some sort. No one in the family could envision going to university as there was no financial leverage and our classification status posed a problem.

As kids, we learnt to be content with the basics of life. I often told my kids that we used to solidify the oil from the meat to use as a spread for our bread. We were content with only getting new clothes at Christmas time. Throughout the year we would wear the clothes of our cousins or neighbours once they had been outgrown. We were certainly not too proud to wear second-hand clothing or ask for help from neighbours when times were tough.

The Bible clearly states that foolishness dwells in the hearts of children (Proverbs 22v15). When you are an outsider in a house full of children, there is bound to be resentment and jealousy. I often felt concerned about my sister as she was constantly involved in fights with the other girls. She was short-tempered, which made matters worse. During those times she must have experienced a deep longing for a father figure or just a stable family unit. She really had it tough, but somehow, she camouflaged it with her stubbornness and strong-willed personality, or so it appeared.

I remember one of the most difficult situations my sister and I had to deal with during our childhood. In a child maintenance court we had to choose who would have custody of us. We were about ten years old at the time and had to decide between our biological mother and our guardian. It was a tug of war between them and we were right in the centre of it all. It was terribly unfair for children to make such a decision. I remember crying repeatedly through my tears of brokenness and confusion, I want to stay with Auntie Patty, but on the other hand, did not want to let go of the hope that our mother would someday give us a home. The court ruled in favour of my aunt and rightfully so, for she had our best interests at heart. All we wanted was stability and to belong to a family unit. The last thing we wanted was uncertainty of where we were going, what we were going to eat and where we were going to sleep. All we knew was that we wanted to receive stability and certainty where we were staying. Our mother accepted the decision and promised to visit as often as she could. Then we parted company with mixed emotions. My aunt moved to a bigger house in another township. She still tried her best to make ends meet and we managed somehow. Most probably because her circumstances forced her into it, she made it clear that she did not tolerate disobedience or disrespect.

I learnt to see various situations in life as being God-purposed. As the Word says, He works everything together for our good