Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides, #1

By Clare Chu

Welcome to the shadowy world where your cat's cuddle might just be a reconnaissance mission. Here, each purr is suspect, every gift a warning, and the innocent act of sleeping on your keyboard? A strategic move in the silent battle for dominance. This isn't just another day in your cozy, cat-dominated household—it's an insight into the cunning mind behind those whiskers.

Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.

Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It's a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and remember: it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gigaverse Press
• Release date: Mar 22, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224989997

Clare Chu

Clare Chu hacked code in ye olde days of the mainframes, and now the code's hacking her as she weaves words of questionable wisdom and side-splitting sass. Her writing? Think fairy tales on steroids, myths meeting modernity, and the unexplained becoming eerily relatable. From self-help books that'll guarantee you more misadventures than life hacks to her tech-tangled farcical tales, she's your cheerful, if slightly zany, guide with a wink and a snarky grin.

Book preview

Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You

Also by Clare Chu

Misguided Guides

Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual

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Time-Travel Therapy: The Ultimate Do-Over

A Homebuyer’s Guide to Haunted Living: Finding Your Dream Home Among the Spirits

Sleep and Grow Rich: Forty Winks to Fortune

Sit, Stay, Heel: Training Your Boyfriend Like a Pro

Watch for more at Clare Chu’s site.

WHY YOUR CAT IS PLOTTING TO KILL YOU

A PARANOID PET OWNER’S MANUAL

MISGUIDED GUIDES

BOOK 1

CLARE CHU

Gigaverse Press

Copyright © 2024 by Clare Chu

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or natural persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

All trademarks belong to their respective holders and are used without permission under trademark fair use.

Find out more at: https://clarechu.com

CONTENTS

1. Introduction

The Great Feline Conspiracy & Understanding Your Overlord

2. Reading the Signs

Footnotes

3. Territorial Takeovers

4. Training the Human

5. The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors

6. In Case of Emergency

Feline First Aid

Catastrophe Management

Maintain Perspective

7. Psychological Warfare

8. Protecting Yourself from Feline Assassination Attempts

Booby-Trapping Your Home Against Cat Attacks

Wearing Protective Gear to Avoid Scratches and Bites

Training in Feline Self-Defense Techniques

9. Negotiating a Truce with Your Feline Overlord

Truce Training

Love the Beast

10. Conclusion: The Purrfect Bond

Excerpt - Swiping Wrong: Online Dating for Zeros

About the Author

More from Gigaverse Press

DESCRIPTION

Welcome to the shadowy world where your cat’s cuddle might just be a reconnaissance mission. Here, each purr is suspect, every gift a warning, and the innocent act of sleeping on your keyboard? A strategic move in the silent battle for dominance. This isn’t just another day in your cozy, cat-dominated household—it’s an insight into the cunning mind behind those whiskers.

Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.

Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It’s a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and remember: it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.

Disclaimer:

This book is intended for entertainment purposes only and is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The advice and scenarios depicted within these pages are exaggerated and humorously paranoid interpretations of everyday cat behaviors and the human response to them. They should not be considered serious guidance for pet care or human behavior. While the bond between cats and their humans is very real, the conspiracies, plots, and so-called feline assassination attempts described here are purely products of the author's playful imagination.

For actual advice on cat care, behavior, or any concerns about your pet, please consult a professional veterinarian or a qualified pet behaviorist. Remember, each cat is an individual, and what works for one may not work for another. Love and understand your feline friends for who they are, and enjoy the laughter and joy they bring into your life.

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

THE GREAT FELINE CONSPIRACY & UNDERSTANDING YOUR OVERLORD

It started like any other morning. I arose to the blaring of my alarm clock, smacked it into submission, and stumbled to the bathroom to begin my daily routine. As I brushed the crust from my eyes and tamed my unruly bedhead, I caught a glimpse of two yellow eyes peering around the doorway, watching me intently.

In my pre-coffee haze, I paid little mind to my observer, assuming it was just my cat Pumpkin looking for breakfast as usual. But as I shuffled into the kitchen, I felt the weight of his gaze following me. I poured my cereal, and there he sat, perched on the kitchen table, staring unblinkingly as I shoveled each spoonful into my mouth.

Something in his studious observation struck me as peculiar. The way his eyes tracked my every move. The purposeful flicks of his tail. I lowered my spoon, mouth still full of half-chewed cereal, and