A Homebuyer’s Guide to Haunted Living: Finding Your Dream Home Among the Spirits: Misguided Guides, #4

By Clare Chu

Dive into the hilariously eerie world of real estate with your not-so-ordinary realtor, Cassandra "Cassie" Spectre. Ever thought a poltergeist could polish your cooking skills or a ghostly coach might just be the secret to your fitness success? Cassie Spectre's guide to finding a haunted homemate makes these spectrally intelligent scenarios a reality.. Raised in a haunted Victorian mansion and descending from a long line of mediums, Cassie left her mundane corporate finance job to embrace her true calling: matching the living with lovingly haunted homes.

From the mildly haunted fixer-upper to the grandiose poltergeist palace, this guidebook explores the uncharted territory of spectral real estate with wit, wisdom, and a touch of the otherworldly. With a quiz to match your personality to the perfect type of haunting, tips on reading between the lines of real estate listings, and advice on navigating open houses with paranormal poise, Cassie provides you a roadmap to finding a home that's as unique as you are.

Find out why embracing a home with a "little extra" might just be the best decision you'll ever make. Discover the unexpected joys of haunted living and learn that with the right perspective, even a home with spirits can be a dream come true.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gigaverse Press
• Release date: Mar 22, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224822669

Clare Chu

Clare Chu hacked code in ye olde days of the mainframes, and now the code's hacking her as she weaves words of questionable wisdom and side-splitting sass. Her writing? Think fairy tales on steroids, myths meeting modernity, and the unexplained becoming eerily relatable. From self-help books that'll guarantee you more misadventures than life hacks to her tech-tangled farcical tales, she's your cheerful, if slightly zany, guide with a wink and a snarky grin.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

MEET CASSIE SPECTRE

Well hello there, darlings! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Cassandra Spectre, but you can call me Cassie. I’m not your typical realtor, oh no. I specialize in finding the perfect haunted home for the discerning urban professional. You see, I have a sixth sense for matching people with their ideal paranormal pad. It’s a gift, really. You can call me your ‘Ghostess with the Mostess’ or ‘Realtor to the Afterlife’—I answer to either.

My mission, you ask? Why, to introduce you to the world of supernatural real estate, of course. To let you in on my peculiar talent for matching discerning homebuyers like yourself with that special dream home offering a little extra spook—er, spark.

Now, you might be wondering, Cassie, how on earth did you get into this unusual line of work? Well, let me tell you, it all started when I was just a wee ghost whisperer, growing up in my family’s haunted Victorian mansion, filled to the brim with ancestral ghosts galore. You see, I come from a long line of mediums—not the psychic hotline kind, mind you, but the real deal. Chatting with spirits over breakfast was as normal for me as discussing the weather.

This was the playground of my childhood, hosting tea parties and games of hide-and-seek with playmates who could walk through walls and float up to the ceiling. At bedtime, I’d snuggle under the covers and listen to bedtime tales whispered by great-great-grandma and other ancestors long passed. You see, as a descendant of a proud line of mediums, my family gatherings were never what you’d call normal. We always set an extra seat at the table for whichever spirits might be visiting from the other side that day. I suppose you could say my upbringing was haunted in the best possible way.

Fast forward a few decades, and I found myself in the soul-sucking world of corporate finance. Imagine me, crunching numbers in my tragically beige cubicle, daydreaming about the ghosts of economists past. I knew there had to be more to this existence than spreadsheets and TPS reports.

That’s when the idea hit me like a poltergeist-propelled paperweight: why not put my…unique talents to good use? With my gifts, I can match adventurous homebuyers with homes that offer unlisted amenities. How about a spectral chef to whip up your nightly meal, perhaps? Or a ghostly librarian to keep your first editions in tidy order?

I gave my two weeks’ notice faster than you can say ‘ectoplasm’ and dove skull-first into the world of real estate. But not just any real estate—oh no!—I founded the boutique firm ‘Spectre Select Realty’ on the belief that every home has a spirit—some just have spirited personalities.

With my natural talent for yarn-spinning and a penchant for high drama, I embarked on a quest to perfectly match people with properties brimming with character. And by character, I mean poltergeists. After all, why settle for a mundane McMansion when you could reside in a veritable carnival funhouse of the supernatural?

Hey, I’m not here to judge your haunted housing needs.

Now, I know you must be simply dying for a taste of what awaits you on this adventure into haunted house hunting. Well, strap in, because these tales may just raise a few hairs on the back of your neck. Allow me to give you a little tour of some of the most unforgettable homes I’ve had the pleasure to encounter over the years:

There was the Ultra-Modern, Space-Age, Futuristic Enclave—quite the mouthful, I know. This property was so technologically advanced, its ghostly inhabitants had to consult the instruction manual daily. The automated doors in particular had a penchant for dramatic timing, swinging open with a bang whenever someone walked by.

Don’t mind the ruckus. I’d chuckle nervously to clients during showings. That’s just the, uh, glitchy smart home system. Nothing sinister whatsoever.

Of course, once I’d made the sale, I’d discreetly let the new owners know their new smart system was actually a poltergeist named Pepe with a penchant for practical jokes. But hey, what better home security than a prank-loving ghost?

Then there was Evernight Castle, a sprawling medieval fortress straight out of a gothic horror novel. This place had it all: clanking spectral armor echoing through the halls, creepy portraits with eyes that seemed to follow you, and an authentic graveyard on the property.

I’ll never forget the time I was showing it to a lovely couple, only to have the knight statue in the living room suddenly come to life and offer a courtly bow. The wife nearly fainted! Don’t mind Sir Reginald, I assured them with a wink. He’s a real charmer once you get to know him.

These were just playful antics, I’m sure. The new owners would love him, as long as I left out a few details.

Oh, the adventures I’ve had over the years of haunted house hunting. Rambunctious poltergeists playing pranks on uppity clients, stubborn ghosts refusing to be exorcised before a sale, more than a few run-ins with possessed objects...it’s amazing I’ve made it this far, to be frank.

Of course, not every open house has gone off without a hitch. There was the incident with the Victorian dollhouse that may or may not have been cursed by a vengeful spirit. Let’s just say the prospective buyers were less than thrilled when their toddler began speaking in tongues and levitating above her crib. Oopsie! But hey, that’s all part of the fun, right?

Which brings me to the most crucial part of this chapter: advice for the fledgling homebuyer intrigued by the prospect of a haunted abode. You’ll need my hard-won wisdom if you hope to thrive in the world of paranormal properties!

Now, when it comes to ghostly roommates, I always say, "Think of them as unpaid house sitters who care deeply about the home’s wellbeing. Plus, they make great built-in security against intruders, and woe to the burglars traipsing around that attic.

Of course, some grumpy ghouls could get a little overzealous, as I learned during one open house when ol’ Grumps chased out all the potential buyers. In those moments, it helps to remember rule number two: Ghostly roommates will have their antics, but they mean no true harm. Lay down some paranormal ground rules and you’ll get along swimmingly. Probably.

When it comes to pesky poltergeists making a racket, I like to say, Consider all that ruckus as a built-in security feature. Who needs cameras when you’ve got a spirit who shakes the whole house whenever someone sneaky comes around?

That logic didn’t work so well on the Hamiltons, whose poltergeist’s 3 a.m. temper tantrums led them to immediately put in a call to the Geistbusters. But, hey, you win some you lose some.

The point is, spectral roommates take some getting used to for us earthly homebuyers. But with an open mind, a bit of patience, and a healthy sense of humor, you may just find your perfect haunted match.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the importance of thoroughly vetting any paranormal properties before signing on the dotted line. You must make sure to ask the critical questions, like Are the ghosts paying rent? and Is the basement guaranteed demon-free? and Has anyone died violently on this property in the last five years? Morbid, I know, but due diligence is needs must.

Finding the perfect home is about more than just square footage and granite countertops—it’s about the energy within its walls, the memories etched into its foundation, and yes, sometimes, the spirits that roam its halls. As I always say: A home without a bit of mystery is like a book without a story. Boring and utterly forgettable.

But a home with history, secrets in its walls and whispers on the staircase? Why, that’s a story you never want to end. And I, your intrepid realtor Cassie Spectre, aim to find you a home worth telling tales about for generations to come.

Are you ready to take the plunge into the world of haunted real estate? I’ll be your guide, your confidante, and maybe even your ghostly sommelier if the evening calls for it. Together, we’ll find not just a house, but a home brimming with character, stories, and perhaps a specter or two to share them with. Who knows? You might even pick up a few cooking tips from the ghostly chef that comes with the property. Just don’t ask him how he died—that’s a real conversation killer.

CHAPTER 2

ASSESSING YOUR SPECTRAL PREFERENCES

Hello again, my supernaturally-inclined homebuyers. It’s your favorite phantasmally-attuned realtor, Cassandra Call-Me-Cassie Spectre, welcoming you back to our ghostly house hunting adventure extraordinaire.

Now, let’s talk about my process. When a client comes to me, the first thing I do is assess their spectral preferences. Are you looking for a mild-mannered ghost who just wants to rattle some chains now and then? Or are you in the market for a full-blown poltergeist that will keep you on your toes? Don’t worry, I have a foolproof quiz that will match you with your perfect paranormal roommate.

Through a series of revealing questions straight from the Cassie Spectre Institute of Matchmaking Mediums (ghost approved), we’ll discover whether you’re better suited to a mildly haunted fixer-upper where the spirits are more Casper than Poltergeist, or if your heart is set on a full-blown ectoplasmic extravaganza, complete with wailing banshees, chain-rattling wraiths, and all manner of things that go bump in the night. Oooo, gives me chills just thinking about it.

But before we begin, let’s set the paranormal stage, shall we? Imagine two houses. House number one gently whispers tales of a kindly spirit who waters your plants when you forget and lovingly rearranges your spice rack based on frequency of use and color coordination. House number two boasts an, ahem, energetic poltergeist with a penchant for blaring German death metal at 2 a.m. and recreating scenes from The Exorcist in your kitchen. Each house certainly has its charms, but which really speaks to your soul? Which aligns with your tolerance for impromptu spectral surprises? That’s what we’re here to find out.

Alright, let’s get to the good stuff: the quiz.

I call it my Spectral Compatibility and Paranormal Parameter Assessment, or SCAPPA for short. Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? Through a series of thought-provoking and hilariously revealing questions, we’ll determine whether you’re a candidate for a gentle paranormal dusting or ready to full-on paint the town poltergeist. Don’t be shy–really dig deep and answer honestly. This quiz is 100% judgment-free unless you judge me for that unfortunate 2002 perm. Moving on.

Let’s start with an easy one:

1. You wake up to find your bedroom rearranged and your beloved teddy bear, Mr. Cuddlesworth, affixed to the ceiling fan. You:

A) Shrug it off as a harmless prank by your new ghostly roommate. At least they didn’t touch your vintage