Vageen Queen: Brazilian Waxing 101

By Mallory Erler

Ever thought of going bare down there? Looking for a little landscaping, or are you a waxing warrior?

Whatever your pre-fur-ance, this hilarious "how to" is full of tips, tricks, what you should know ahead of time and some great treatment-room stories to get you prepped and ready for your first plume plucking!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Oct 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9780228894735

Mallory Erler

Mallory is a wife, mother, and business owner, and has been a vageen queen for the past 16 years. Writing has always been a creative outlet for her, but it's only recently that she decided to follow her passion for storytelling and start sharing insights gained from 16 years of working with people in an intimate setting.

Book preview

Dedication

A huge thank you to my lads who have been so supportive of this idea and who continue to support me every step of the way . You guys give me a safe place to land in the hardest times and I am so grateful for both of you every single day

To my amazing ladies over the years, I can’t thank you enough for the love, inspiration, perspectives, and friendship this journey together has brought . You are all a treasured part of my story and I want you to know how much that means to me .

WARNING

This is a book written by a person with ADHD who has been up to their elbows in furgina for 16 years. Language will be coarse at times, the writing will be all over the place, chapters will range in length, and there will be pictures and illustrations. You will also gain a vast vocabulary for your hairy lady bits courtesy of my amazing clients over the years. Don’t say you weren’t warned before walking into this mess .

To all the newbies thinking about getting defurred for the first time, I’m hoping this book will help you.

To all my silky-smooth veterans out there, sit back and enjoy .

Finally, to all my fellow vageen queens who may be reading this, I hope this book reminds you how important it is to be kind and understanding to your clients. I also hope it brings you some laughs remembering similar moments you may have shared with your furry friends .

All stories used in this book have been changed slightly to protect the privacy of the clients involved or direct permission was given by clients to share their stories .

If at any point you come across a word you are unsure of, check the glossary at the end of the book. Hopefully, it will help you navigate the language used.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1. Why Defur Your Fur Burger?

Chapter 2. She Better Be an Expert, Hilarious, or Both

Chapter 3. The Obstacles of Pain and Vulnerability

Chapter 4. Landscaping: Bikini, Brazilian . . . What’s the Difference

Chapter 5. You’ve Got the Place, the Design Plan — It’s Time

Chapter 6. The Painful and Shameful

Chapter 7. The Finishing Moves

Chapter 8. Manetenance — The Dos and Don’ts

Chapter 9. This One’s For My Vageen Queens

Chapter 10. So Many Stories — So Little Time

Glossary

About the Author

Introduction

This book is dedicated to all my amazing clients over the past 16 years who have brought me so many laughs, stories, perspectives, and friendship. This book was the result of having my business shut down due to COVID. During that 3-month lockdown I became kind of sad and couldn’t figure out why. I knew my business would survive, I wasn’t in any sort of health risk in my area, and I had the opportunity to be home with my son, and that time spent with him was so precious. I don’t take many holidays or vacations, so it was lovely having so much time to be together.

But I felt this sadness creep in, and I had to sit with it to figure out what was happening. I realized I was missing my girls (vaginers) dearly. They had become such a huge part of my heart without me even realizing how big that part was.

When you’ve had monthly check-ins with the same people for 10+ years and you’ve talked about everything that’s happened in their lives, you become bonded and invested. Being away from my clients for 3 months, especially a time that I knew would be causing them hardship was difficult.

The lockdown gave me time to stop and think about the last 16 years I’d spent with all of them. The memories started pouring in and I knew that I needed to start writing them down for fear I’d forget or lose them. Hence this lovely how-to guide and hopefully more books to come!

I am grateful every day that I’ve had the privilege to get to know so many amazing fluffy mounds over the years, and I look forward to so many more beautiful memories to come!

And now for Vageens . . .

Chapter 1

Why Defur Your Fur Burger?

I realize this journey isn’t for everyone. Some ladies like to keep it shaggy. Some muffies like to keep some tuffies, and some chicks like it slick. Whatever your jam, I hope this book will help you decide for yourself and keep you laughing along the way.

Before I started offering fuzz monkey services, I was an avid shaver. It was always a bit of a nightmare that ended with 24 hours of smoothness followed by razor burn, ingrown hairs and roughly 3 days of savagely itching away at my cooter. It wasn’t a great time, but the idea of waxing seemed way too painful for my delicate meat mouth and honestly, the idea of giving up the goodies to a stranger was beyond mortifying to think about.

This is how most of my clients feel the first time they come in and I try to remind myself of all the feels that go along with this commitment.

There’s no hard or fast rule when it comes to keeping your tuna flapper tamed. It’s really a matter of personal preference. Some clients only come in if they are going away on a holiday. Some come in just before an important date. Some clients like a summer of fun and then let the forest grow in to keep them warm through the winter.

Manetenace doesn’t have to be a forever commitment and it definitely isn’t a requirement. But I will say that my most loyal clients are my vageens . There is something to be said for the furdom you feel when the landscape is freshly groomed.

Story time: My First Ever Brazilian

When I first started my esthetics course, we were told we would need to let all our hair grow in. We would be working on each other for practice, so we had to get shaggy. It wasn’t until my last semester that we were told we would be learning the art of coochie cleaning.

I was pretty stressed about the whole idea, but I wanted to know the whole trade, so I prepared myself. By this point I had met some amazing people in my class, one of which I was really close with. She had a very chill vibe and was one of those girls who would walk into a European sauna, drop cloth and be completely comfortable. At that time I would have been the girl hugging her knees in a dark corner wondering what I had signed myself up for . I really admired her ability to be comfortable in her own skin.

Leading up to our lotus liberation we were told that someone would need to volunteer to be the model so we could see how the service was performed. We would then apply the knowledge we’d gained on our partner of choice. So, I needed to find a teammate and of course, my girlfriend who was a beautiful free spirit spoke up and offered to be the model! AMAZING!

But that took away my option to partner with her. So, I had to find someone else who I would feel equally comfortable with, which wasn’t easy for me .

I looked around the room for the person who had the same deer in the headlights look that I had, and we set a plan to just work with each other’s comfort levels.

The night before the big debut I was taking a break with my vagina model friend, and she told me that she was a bit worried because she was due for her period. I told her the chances of her getting her period in the next 12 hours (when we would be doing our first vageen waxing) was super unlikely, and if it did happen, I would fill in for her. I mean, the chances were pretty low, right!?

I came into class bright and early to find everyone in the room staring at me as I walked in. WTAF was going