Picture Perf*cked

By Alisha Ramasar

Now in my thirties, a mum, and wife, I don’t have time to worry about whether I’m doing life right. The reality is that I know, as a matter of fact, that my one and only precious life is moving at a pace that makes me a little uncomfortable, to be honest. And if I want to do something grand and brag-worthy, I better do it before 5 pm because daycare is strict about pickup time.

Whether you believe you need to keep up with the Kardashians or keep up with Baker’s day and Karen at school, this book is here for women who need a subtle reminder that they are doing just fine and that shit happens to everyone—even Karen.

Disclaimer: This book is not 

A pity party collection of bummer stories. 
A comparison as to who’s got it better. Or worse.
A “how-to” guide on living your best life.

In fact, it is a collection of stories inspired by women and how we all come together and appear to live picture-perfect lives. It’s a slight unveiling of the truth behind the perfect red lips and the limited-edition designer handbags.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Sep 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9781035834808

Alisha Ramasar

Alisha Ramasar is a unique hybrid of a sunshine-yellow and cool-blue-personality. She is an award-winning International Cannes Lion advertising agency recipient. She has the ability to conceptualise, visualise, optimise and quite frankly, kick some ass into gear. She is an innovator, a strategist, a fashionable-foodie-fanatic that loves to add something special to simply…‘doing’. She is a proud wife and a mummy of two princess-superhero girls who inspired this entire book. She aspires to take a break and rest, but somehow keeps on agreeing to do more sh*t that gets in the way of her taking a break and resting.

Book preview

About the Author

Alisha Ramasar is a unique hybrid of a sunshine-yellow and cool-blue-personality. She is an award-winning International Cannes Lion advertising agency recipient. She has the ability to conceptualise, visualise, optimise and quite frankly, kick some ass into gear. She is an innovator, a strategist, a fashionable-foodie-fanatic that loves to add something special to simply…‘doing’. She is a proud wife and a mummy of two princess-superhero girls who inspired this entire book. She aspires to take a break and rest, but somehow keeps on agreeing to do more sh*t that gets in the way of her taking a break and resting.

Dedication

For my daughters, Ava and Aila, and for all the women who seem to have it together and all the women who think they don’t have it together.

For my Love, it took me a long time to truly understand what it means to appreciate and love unconditionally. Growing up, you get screwed over with the notion that Disney infiltrates our expectations. You look for the knight in shining armour. You wait for the leg-popping first kiss and the real fuckery of the idealistic happily ever after. As cliché as it sounds, the fact is that love is a journey. From adolescence through parenthood, your understanding of love evolves and grows as you mature. I have been so blessed to be married to my best friend. He drives me batty and is occasionally a pain in the ass. But he is my world. He has my complete heart, and he is the absolute love of my life. My goal for the rest of our days together in this life is to dedicate my love to building our life together—loving each other wholeheartedly, forever. Through the challenges and shitty situations, I’m going to love him through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

Copyright Information ©

Alisha Ramasar 2023

The right of Alisha Ramasar to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of author’s memory. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781035834785 (Paperback )

ISBN 9781035834808 (ePub e-book)

ISBN 9781035834792 (Audiobook)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

This book and all of its contents is the work of a very tired thirty-something-mommy. All the names, characters, places, events, incidents and locations are a product of the authors exaggerated imagination inspired by real life events. As such, they are intended to be used in a fictitious and light-hearted manner. It is a collection of personal experiences (enhanced, of course) and offers a culmination of scenarios that women go through in an attempt to survive day-to-day life.

Chapter One

Getting to Know Myself

Caution: Work in Progress. We apologise for the delay.

Mother, wife, daughter, girl boss, Virgo—a lover of things and a creative communicator. This is my collection of thoughts, stories and the occasional rise to, or fall from, whatever curveball life throws my way. In other words, it’s my party; I can say what I want to.

So to paraphrase my girl Whitney Houston, I am a fairly decent representation of every woman.

As any good story begins, once upon a time…

Before I had kids, I had a strong, unwavering view on the imperative ‘bedtime routine’. Having read almost every baby book on the must-read list and having watched every episode of Supernanny, I was sold on the Holy Trinity of ‘bath, book, bed’…and I knew that consistency, patience and loving reassurance would teach our tiny bubbles to skip off to bed with a spring in her step, a song in her heart, and a deeply ingrained desire to be fast asleep between the hours of 7 pm and 7 am.

Then, after actually having a child, I now look back on those novice days with natural smugness and judgement. Because the truth is, drumroll please, the Holy Trinity is bullshit. Nowhere did it say that I would have to spend a half-hour trying to convince my very headstrong child that she needs to bathe. Nowhere did it say that I would be exposed to five consistent minutes of ear-shattering, IT’S IN MY EYES!!! screams and half a dozen moans and groans as I try to control the long mane that was clearly inherited from me—for my sins, of course.

Now in my thirties, I can comfortably say that I’m beginning to know the person that I am.

It took me a minute. Fine.

But the truth is that still, to this day, I surprise myself with how little I know about who I actually am. Honest question, does anyone?

As I walked the beach on the north coast and allowed myself to fall to the soft sand, my feet settled in quicker than expected. The waves looked boss-like. It was like they were telling the day not to fuck with them.

They were magnificent, big and bold.

I was just staring into the amazing blue, soaking up the joy of being able to sit and do absolutely nothing for just a moment. Staring as the wall of waves broke time and time again. Occasionally bigger and better than the time before, I admired each wave for all its strength and commitment.

I noticed a crab scurrying across the sand, in a hurry, of course. Until it stopped, and although I couldn’t make out which side its eyes were on. Hence, I wasn’t quite sure if it was enjoying the view of the waves in all their glory, like me, or whether it was staring at me, wondering, what the fuck is she just sitting there for?

Perhaps it was neither, as a second later, it disappeared into a hole I didn’t notice.

A short while later, Miss Crabby popped back up and disposed of a tiny amount of sand she had collected from inside her home. She flung it out, and I’m sure I could hear her complain about how she has been out all day working only to return to a messy house.

After a few minutes of watching her go back and forth, each time removing a tiny amount of sand from her house, I wasn’t entirely sure if she knew the sand problem in her home was incorrigible.

I realised, in that moment, that I’d subconsciously given her a female identity purely based on her actions.

At this point, I also realised that regardless of who we are, or what we are, we all have our own ridiculous problems.

So, back to the point of knowing who you actually are. I personally discovered that when I acknowledged and fully embraced the true Virgo in me, it could go one of two ways.

You could either have everything work out in your favour with zero added pressure but rather just your pure incessant need to graciously achieve whatever comes your way.

Or, like in my case, survive the uncontrollable nature to self-inflict added pressure to continuously ‘achieve’—ultimately leading to the fundamental and yet only self-recognised downfall of any intended ambition.

In other words, setting any goals or semi-goals proves to be a rather slippery slope thanks to an ever-active brain and associated mannerisms.

You know the type.

When your overactive imagination collides with your perfectionist tendencies to create an overachiever-type goal, it will then emotionally and mentally take total ownership of any glimpse of a life. Only to be plummeted by your own expectations to deliver and yet again ‘achieve’. But, why? You ask?

Because there’s nothing quite like being bested by your own imagination.

Here is a case in point and a somewhat simplified case at that—the time I remembered I was actually ageing and needed to take care of my body as it was officially no longer classified as ‘spring chicken’.

Of course, I get excited about my new self-decided challenge—running, which was simple, classic, and practical.

In short, I made the fatal mistake of trying too hard.

While it may not surprise you to learn that I injured myself along the way, it certainly shocked the shit