Ms. Satire: Tips and Tricks About How to Find the One and a Couple of Stories About Weirdos Along the Way

By Jacqueline Aikin

This book is an oxymoronic contradiction. It is appropriately inappropriate, clean-dirty fun, and has a good-bad character. She is an intellectual idiot and loves her crowd, although incapable of love. To her, the crowd longs to obtain her knowledge and expertise. She is an optimist with a pessimistic quality, compliments with a backhand, and knows what she does but doesnt realize what she is doing. It is never intentional, never meant to be malicious or deviant. She is truly and simply unaware and innocent. A nice mean lady, and it is never her fault even if it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493168125

Jacqueline Aikin

The Author on How the Book Began I’ve always liked to entertain using humor. I do this only with those I feel most comfortable with, so this is a change for me. The best part of making this book is that I didn’t even really know where I was going to go with the stories. I like to take a scenario out of the air, and crazy ideas just keep popping up in my head. I am natural at doing this but never remember what I said or thought up the day before. It’s a mood, and the company and tone have to be right. I don’t make it happen; it just comes spontaneously. This is the first time I put my quirky humor down on paper. This book takes what people have been through, have seen, agree with or don’t. It is real but fictional at the same time. As a matter of fact, the whole book is an oxymoron and contradiction in some way. The character I made up may exist in some way, although I have never actually met her in a complete way—she is a mixture of many. This character is a mixture of intellect and innocence, with a spin of crazy and irresponsible behavior. It is as if she could possibly be well-read, but has no concept of anything other than egotistical views. The character is, in a sense, a character. She is a mixture of many types of distorted and normal individuals, and in her viewpoint, she is brilliant and popular. This book began with one open mic stand-up routine I performed.

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Jacqueline Aikin.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4931-6813-2

               eBook            978-1-4931-6812-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 02/04/2014

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Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Conclusion

Dedication:

This book is dedicated to so many that made this possible. I know and you know who you are. Thank You for the push! Hopefully it was towards the light and not off a bridge!

Cam and Tanner, you are my life savers. You inspire me to be the best that I can be. I might have lost my humor if I didn’t have you. I love you two more then I could ever describe! Okay… bye bye now… Get back to work.

John (grandpa) Kittle Jack (1936-2013) your laughter and humor stays with me and lives on. I love you.

Warning

black.jpg    Do not attempt anything you are about to read.

black.jpg    This type of behavior may cause your life to be miserable.

black.jpg    I cannot be held responsible if you were to mimic these actions.

black.jpg    If you believe this is the way to achieve success, you’re welcome to do as you please.

black.jpg    However, you have been warned.

Seriously, guys, this is a joke. You know, J-O-K-E. I can’t believe I have to explain this to you.

Introduction

Hey, everyone, it’s me here to tell you about so many ways to help you find that special someone in your life. I have proclaimed myself a relationship expert. Yeah, who would have ever guessed that I would become an expert at something? But trust me, I am.

I have the insight on what to do and where to find the respectable and loving individuals you all hope to find in your lifetime. In fact, you will find so many, it will be hard to choose who to pick. I guarantee that anyone and everyone can succeed with the tips and tricks I have to offer. I know that by the time you have finished reading this, you will have learned something new that you can use for yourself or for helping others.

Before I begin with any of this, let me describe myself. Well, I will just copy and paste what I wrote in my online dating site, ’cause let’s face it, I don’t feel like thinking right now. So anyway, I am blonde, five feet six inches, and female, and I like walks on the beach, sunsets, and sunrises. I love animals except the ones that annoy me, are ugly, or the one’s that drool or shed. I also, adore children that don’t bother me.

Well, I have two children that are okay because they know the rules about the whole Mommy doesn’t like talking to you, so don’t bother me deal, so it works out well. This is a good thing because it leaves more time for you and me to be together, whoever you are out there. I am looking for a nice guy who has the same interests as mine. I like music, movies, taking long walks, and talking, and rabbits are my favorite meal. Anyway, enough about me; it’s your turn.

I am writing this because I really want to help change this world for the better, and so I have decided that my guidance could do just that. I believe in being a giver, and there is nothing better to give than some great advice. The information I am about to share with you will improve your life, I swear. In all truth, the recommendations and stories I have could cost one a fortune to obtain; however, I believe that giving it away is priceless.

Along the way, I will be sharing a few stories of some of the weirdos I have come across throughout my life experiences, in hopes that by doing this, I could help you recognize these people before they begin to irritate you as they have done to me. This will be helpful because my purpose is to assist everyone in finding a peaceful, fulfilling, loving world around you. I am doing this out of the goodness of my heart, so no need to write letters of how I changed your life. I will just say You’re welcome now.

Oh, before I start, I wanted to say thanks to my kids now, mainly because it makes me sound good, and also for leaving Mommy alone and scrubbing that basement floor like I told them to do just before they made my dinner. They are such good kids because dinner is always great and the house sparkles. And if you kids are reading this, I may let you go outside one day to play as a reward. Anyway, back to you people, who are much more important. So, here are the tips and tricks to find the one and stories of weirdos to avoid along the way.

Chapter One

So listen, people, I am a well-traveled individual. I have been everywhere around town, yeah, and even in some other towns too. I, like, know where all the hot spots are and what to do when you find them. I am quite fluent in Spanish menu reading and have learned some of the Chinese menus along the way. You can pretty much say that I am bilingual and have been to Mexico and China, in some way.

Not to get off the subject, but the Chinese people kind of annoy me because they don’t understand my way of speaking Chinese. Hello, I have my own style and accent. What’s the problem? It’s all the same. Okay, I feel better that I said that out loud because they like to cause a scene when I start yelling at them in the restaurant for not understanding me. Anyway, enough talking about that; it makes me angry. Let’s move along.

MY NEW BOYFRIEND

Anyway, I have a new boyfriend, and pay close attention because you can do this for yourself. Again, my stories are here to help you, so it is important that you try and mimic me so you too could have the chance at the good fortunes that I have had so far in my life.

Well, I met him in a bar. I know what you’re thinking. This is one of the best places to meet someone who is looking for commitment. I know! They are willing to buy you drinks so you don’t have to spend your hard-earned money. It’s amazing how they