Philip Irving Plays

By phillip thomas

Here are the collected plays of Philip Irving written 2006-2024. They may be read or acted. If acted it is with the author's permission and without copyright. If read it must be remembered that they were written to be performed. But a play is literature. And it can have life both on the stage and in the library. Enjoy these plays.

• Language: English
• Publisher: phillip thomas
• Release date: Mar 2, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224559749

phillip thomas

Philip Irving was educated at the City of London school. He has degrees in English and Classics from London and Cambridge universities.

Book preview

ACT I

Scene 1

TANYA. (Into mobile.) Terence?... I was wondering if you’d like to come over...I’m not doing anything much and...Terence, I’m offering sex. (Pause. Redials.) Amanda?—-Is that you?—-What do you mean? What about Sunday?—-I want you to come over-—Amanda, I can’t stop crying—-Amanda I’m offering sex——

She puts away the phone. Gets up from the bed with a sigh and goes over to a mirror.  She peers at herself very closely. She gets out her makeup kit and begins to apply-—lipstick first, then touching up the cheeks but a thought strikes her and she gives up. Mechanically she puts away her makeup. She goes to a jewel box and takes out some imitation pearls. She puts them round her neck. She takes them off. She breaks the necklace and the pearls spill over the floor.

TANYA. (Redials. Into phone.) Dad?

Scene 2

The home of Jack and Emilia Guest. They sit at a glass table, drinking red wine. There is a fruit bowl, the Sunday newspapers. They are dressed in pyjamas, matching, and two maroon dressing gowns. Emilia has just quit smoking and is chewing nicotine gum.

JACK. (Reading newspaper. Without looking up.) Would you pass the...

EMILIA. Pass the what, honey?

JACK. It says here there’s a creature bigger than a whale swimming at the bottom of the ocean. (Pause.) And no one knows what it looks like.

EMILIA. How can they tell?

JACK. How can they tell what?

EMILIA. How can they tell it’s there, ducky?

JACK. Sonar, ducky.

EMILIA. (Thinks a moment.) Oh. (They read.) My sister’s got a job writing speeches.

JACK. That girl wastes her talent.

EMILIA. It’s better than what she was doing before.

JACK. It was advertising, wasn’t it?

Scene 3

TANYA. (Into phone.) Yes, I do believe, passionately, passionately...yes, people should be given the right to work for themselves and to...wait a minute, I’ll get this down... (Fetches pen and paper.) You want something that emphasizes the...yes people must help themselves and not expect the state to provide a safety net...Good. I won’t put it in those terms. I mean I won’t use the term ‘safety net’. It’s emotive...

Switches off phone and makes a few more notes. The phone goes.

TANYA. Amanda.

Scene 4

Emilia and Jack as before.

EMILIA. Your brother is back, isn’t he?

Silence. Emilia puts down her newspaper.

EMILIA. I said your brother is back. Clive is back.

JACK. I know.

EMILIA. You don’t seem...

JACK. I am pleased. I’m hoping to see him. I’m hoping he will—-call and the reconciliation will take place and——it was so silly, all on account of father, that silly old man.

EMILIA. Your father just likes to throw his weight around.

JACK. That’s it.

They go back to their newspapers.

EMILIA. So—-you’ll call?

JACK. No. It’s better to wait.

Scene 5

TANYA. (Into phone.) Terence. Terence, darling. (Pause.) Everything I said was wrong. It was wrong, Terence. I spin words. I spin. And sometimes they just come out any old how and I can’t control what I’m saying. (Pause.) Of course, when you’re involved with someone, then you get these...emotions. I mean emotional spasms. And words drop down like change from a slot machine, clang, clang. (Pause.) I think if you could actually see me, Terence. Terence, if you could be before my eyes—-and I could see you and you could actually sense me—-I mean be aware of me physically—-instead of this talk talk on the phone, and leaving messages, you’d see how sorry I am and how depressed. (Pause.) I know I’m pretty worthless. I mean sometimes I know I could be better. And I see how I could be better. And I know it would only take a slight adjustment, a few moments’ effort, for me to start being better. Then every day a little better, a little better, until in the end I finish at the finishing line, cross over the barrier into the world of decency. (Pause.) But it’s so hard to run towards it. So hard to be decent. I see it. It upsets me. But I stay the same, the same, stuck. And I can’t help it. I CAN’T HELP IT.

Scene 6

James Guest at his desk. He has been smoking a pipe, which is left at the side. His wife, Hanna, knocks. He takes his feet off the table and gets up to let her in.

HANNA. Have you finished for today?

JAMES. I was just taking it easy.

HANNA. Perhaps you’d like a little something.

JAMES. No.

HANNA. Perhaps a Welsh rarebit?

JAMES. No.

Silence. Hanna is uncertain whether to stay or go. She begins to tidy up.

JAMES. Leave everything as it is.

HANNA. Your study’s dirty——

JAMES. The word is untidy.

HANNA. I meant untidy.

Silence.

JAMES. I was just working on an article for the old boys’ magazine. Perhaps you’d like to hear something. (Reading.) ‘In the new age of league tables and carefully graded results each school, even a famous old school like this one, must prove itself. It’s no use living on past glories. Our school has educated poets, prime ministers, and a Lord Chief Justice or two.  But now our accounts are open, so to speak, for anybody to inspect. And, to pursue the metaphor, it is necessary finally to balance the books...’

He looks up and sees, as he expected, she is only feigning interest.

JAMES. (Harsh.) I told Clive he was totally unfitted for the army.

HANNA. Clive has the Military Cross.

JAMES. I didn’t say he had no courage.

HANNA. He’s not yet thirty-five and he’s a major.

JAMES. You don’t understand.

HANNA. What?

JAMES. You don’t understand about men.

HANNA. (Pause.) James, this room needs tidying.

JAMES. I’ll do it myself. When I’m ready.

HANNA. Why do you hate your son?

JAMES. I assure you I don’t—-

HANNA. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean hate. I think I meant why are you so hateful to him. Why can’ t you just love him?

JAMES. (Quietly.) I do love him.

Scene 7

Emilia’s house. Tanya and Emilia.

TANYA. I’m seeing someone. So it’s all sorted out.

EMILIA. That’s great. I was worried.

TANYA. Yes.

EMILIA. What was the last one—a drummer?

TANYA. We won’t talk about him.

EMILIA. What type is this one?

TANYA. What type?

EMILIA. Is he a lover, Tanya? Or is he a boyfriend? (Pause.) Or is he a lover-friend?

TANYA. Fuck-buddy, Emilia. The term is fuck-buddy.

EMILIA. Well—-is he a fuck-buddy?

TANYA. (Pause.) I’m writing a speech about the war.

EMILIA. I thought it was about benefit scroungers.

TANYA. Yes—I’ve also been told to write one about the war. For the party conference.

EMILIA. That should be simple—you’re for it.

TANYA. There’s nothing simple about it.

Scene 8

Jack, Hanna and James Guest at the parental home.

JAMES. What are you going to name it?

JACK. It’ll be a boy, Dad.

JAMES. I was forgetting. They can tell. (Silence. To himself.) Another boy.

HANNA. Come for a little cruise.

JACK. Can’t come this weekend.

HANNA. We have the yacht, but James never uses it. I wanted us to go on a little cruise. The south coast.

JACK. We’ll call him after father.

JAMES. This weekend I’m off to the headmasters’ conference. I’m going to give a speech.

HANNA. Well—-no cruise.

JAMES. Not this weekend. (Pause.) I’ve written a speech on falling standards in the state sector. My point is that when the political situation is wrong it filters down. I won’t express it in those terms. Don’t want to antagonise the socialists. But that’s what I now believe.

JACK. What do you care?

JAMES. What?

JACK. About the state sector—-what do you care?

JAMES. (Pause.) My point is that there are no solid values anymore. Everybody is demoralised. Everything is made too easy for the children and they don’t acquire any discipline. (Pause.) What is Tanya up to? She never phones.

JAMES. I think she’s writing speeches. For the government.

HANNA. She’s so clever.

JAMES. Yes, Hanna. But she wastes her talents.

JACK. What else can she do?

JAMES. She’s so clever. But she never phones.

HANNA. She phones at Christmas.

JAMES. That doesn’t count. (Pause.) She could have been anything, anything. But she’s unhappy. She doesn’t believe. That’s why she’s unhappy.

JACK. (Ironically.) And you believe?

JAMES. (Sudden anger.) Of course I believe.

Scene 9

Tanya and Amanda.

TANYA. (Weeping, singing.) ‘Once in a while she won’t call—-but it’s all in the game.’

AMANDA. There, there. We’re together.

She puts her arm around Tanya.

TANYA. I’m so...confused.

AMANDA. There, there. You’ve got me.

TANYA. You’re getting married.

AMANDA. We can still talk.

TANYA. But you’ll be with him. It won’t be the same. He’ll eavesdrop. He’ll call you to account, Amanda.

AMANDA. I’ll tell him you’re a schoolfriend.

TANYA. I loved you. Very much.

AMANDA. I know.

TANYA. (Singing.) ‘Once in a while she won’t... (Breaks down.)

AMANDA. If you don’t stop it, I’ll go. You must accept the situation. There’s Terence.

TANYA. Terence is a man.

AMANDA. Terence is your boyfriend.

TANYA. Sometimes. (Silence.) There’s a sort of howling wind blowing past me. I believe I can hear it sometimes, the wind in an empty city. In a dreamscape. And the wind howls past in the deserted city—-and even though it’s day there are no people. The people are in hiding. Are they hiding from me? (Pause.) And I feel alien, unhappy. Terribly miserable, Amanda. And in my dreamscape the misery is alive, more alive than me and I believe it will never go away and last a thousand years.

Silence.

AMANDA. It’s depression. (Pause.) Dry your eyes.

Tanya’s phone goes.

TANYA. (Into phone.) Yes—-It’s Tanya—-Clive? Clive?—-Where are you? (To Amanda.) He’s been shot in the hand. They’ve invalided him back. (Into phone.) When can I see you?—-All right. (Rings off.)

Scene 10

Emilia and Jack’s place. They are looking over business projections together. A computer screen flickers.

EMILIA. We have an order from Dubai. (She licks her lips in concentration.) They want fitters—-plumbers—-electricians. Shall I tick them?

JACK. Tick all orders to be dealt with within the week.

EMILIA. Right. (Pause.) But shall I tick them?

JACK. Do we have personnel?

EMILIA. Let me see. (Looks at computer screen a moment.) We’re missing plumbers.

JACK. Then don’t tick them. I’ll deal with all that next week when I see Hendrick.

EMILIA. But we might lose the custom.

JACK. They’ll wait.

Silence. They work on.

EMILIA. Something here from the ministry of defence.

JACK. What’s that?

EMILIA. They want security guards for Baghdad.

JACK. Let me see. (Looks at screen.) The commission is fantastic.

Scene 11

The Minister and Tanya. They are in a corner of the room where a party is being held.

MINISTER. If people rely on themselves, we get accused of not caring. If they rely on others, we get accused of being soft.

TANYA. People should get out what they put in.

MINISTER. Exactly. There are no special cases. (Pause.) There’s a limit on what we can openly say. We’ll have the bishops and the old-style champagne socialists and the sixty thousand a year TUC officials getting hot and bothered.

TANYA. We’re a party of realists.

MINISTER. Exactly. (Pause.) So your brother’s shipping home?

TANYA. He’s arriving next week I’m told. Once he’s released.

MINISTER. Released?

TANYA. He’s in a military hospital.

MINISTER. When you said released, I thought of something else. (Pause.) He was a hostage, wasn’t he?—-Clive?

TANYA. Yes.

Scene 12

James and Hanna Guest at table.

JAMES. ‘For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful’. (They begin to eat.) I’m not hungry. (Puts aside the food.)

HANNA. (Getting up.) Shall I throw it away?

JAMES. You can heat it up for me later.

HANNA. All right (Pause.) Are you trying to punish yourself?

JAMES. I don’t understand you, Hanna.

HANNA. Are you trying to punish yourself by not eating—-or is it me you’re trying to punish?

JAMES. I’m not trying to punish anybody.

HANNA. But you don’t eat.

JAMES. I’m off my food.

HANNA. You’ll sicken. I’ll have to bury you. I’ll be alone.

JAMES. Don’t be daft. I’m just not hungry.

HANNA. Eat. Even if you’re not hungry.

JAMES. Keep it for me and heat it up.

HANNA. Then you’ll say it’s indigestible.

JAMES. I promise I won’t.

HANNA. I’ll put it aside for you.

Goes. James takes out his pipe. Hanna comes back.

HANNA. I’ve put it away. Don’t smoke please.

JAMES. (Sudden anger.) What am I expected to do? Sit here and snivel?

HANNA. I won’t have smoke. The doctors said—-

JAMES. Bugger the doctors.

HANNA. (Shocked.) The doctors said if you carry on—-

JAMES. You want to take away my last pleasure.

HANNA. It’s only a pleasure because it hurts to stop. That’s not pleasure at all.

JAMES. Then what is? What is pleasure? (Silence.) What is left me?

Scene 13

The Commons. The Minister facing an MP from the opposition.

MP. Would the minister explain the words he used in his speech just now?—-‘stand on their own two feet’.

MINISTER. I used the term advisedly. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. And as soon as people realise—-

Interruption of disapproving cries in background, ‘sham, sham’ etc and ‘hear, hear.’

MINISTER. As soon as people realise that this country will start taking steps forward at last instead of one step forward and two steps back.

MP. Might I suggest that it’s not possible to stand on one’s own two feet when there’s no possibility of finding work?

MINISTER. There is plenty of work.

MP. Then how do you explain the unemployment figures? Are you saying that hundreds of thousands of people looking for work that isn’t there are simply lazy?

MINISTER. I didn’t use that word.

MP. But you implied it, didn’t you minister? Is it not the case that there’s no work because our economy has been increasingly severely misdirected these last three years? (Interruptions as before.) Is it not the case that the charge to the community of the unemployed has gone proportionately up as the economy has stagnated? And whose fault is that? Who is supposed to be directing this economy? The Chancellor—-who else?

MINISTER. This is a global problem. All economies around the world are suffering. We can only do what we can. There is change coming, gentlemen—-

Interruptions as before.

MP. I know, I know—-just around the corner.

More shouts.

Scene 14

The elder Guests’ house again. The remains of a dinner party on the table. Hanna and Emilia.

HANNA. It’s the first time James has eaten anything in a week.

EMILIA. He seemed fine.

HANNA.  He just sits and smokes and looks out of the window. It killed him having to retire. His work was everything. And he loved being near the boys. (Pause.) They’ve put his picture up in the founders’ room.

EMILIA. Have they? The boys looked up to him.

HANNA. Of course. Sometimes she takes out the dog. They go into the park and James lets the dog off the leash. He gives up walking and sits down on a bench. He gets out his pipe and soon he’s coughing. Some men need work.

EMILIA. But he never did any work.

HANNA. What?

EMILIA. Not real work like me and Jack do.

HANNA. (Pause.) Clive is in Cyprus now.

EMILIA. Yes, you said. They keep on putting off his homecoming. It must be difficult for you.

HANNA. I knew he’s come home. (Pause.) James is furious at the government. For prolonging the war.

EMILIA. We’re doing good business, me and Jack.

HANNA. It’s an ill wind...

EMILIA. We’ll never get out, you know. Once you go in you never get out. (Pause.) We sent out another thousand security men last week.

James and Jack Guest come in. James is in good spirits.

JAMES. (To Jack.) Never better. Fit as a fiddle.

JACK. Are you sure?

JAMES. You saw me eat.

They sit. James gets out his pipe but doesn’t light it.

JACK. Dad is coming to work for us.

JAMES. You saw me eat. I’m fit as a fiddle.

EMILIA. That’s because you’ll be useful. Your spirits have revived. But it won’t be a token job. You’ll do real work. I insist on it.

JAMES. I’m ready for it. Very much. Let’s have something good. I have a few bottles left of...

James shuffles off.

HANNA. What will you find him to do, Emilia?

EMILIA. There’s lots.

JACK. It’s great he’s working. He needs it. He needs to be an evergreen, a spry old bloke. We’ll give him a computer. (Pause.) And when the family works together you know that you can build up trust. Your father wouldn’t stiff you, would he? You know you can build something up.

EMILIA. And he’s started eating.

James comes back with a bottle.

Scene 15

Tanya and the Minister.

MINISTER. We get along just fine, don’t we?

TANYA. Yes, Chancellor.

MINISTER. We get along really well. In fact.

TANYA. Yes, Chancellor.

MINISTER. My name is Michael.

TANYA. Yes, Michael.

MINISTER. (Pause.) The war is costing too much.

TANYA. We only have a few thousand troops out there.

MINISTER. Of course, it’s not really a war. It’s a small local engagement. But everybody calls it a war. At the moment, we’re still irretrievably committed. If we withdraw, it’ll mean anarchy and chaos. But it’s costing us.

TANYA. What kind of a speech are you looking for?

MINISTER. You were in advertising, weren’t you?

TANYA. Yes.

MINISTER. What sort of things did you sell?

TANYA. Everything.

MINISTER. Tyres? Washing machines? Tins of paint?

TANYA. Everything.

MINISTER. (Pause.) Some of those jingles are awfully good. The one about the...you know...it’s always running through my head. Do you fuck?

TANYA. (Pause.) Of course.

Scene 16

Tanya and Amanda.

TANYA. I believe nothing. I believe in nothing. I only believe what I have to believe. Sometimes I believe two opposite things at the same time. And I see no contradiction.

AMANDA. This self-loathing—-

TANYA. Do you do those little things?

AMANDA. What things?

TANYA. With him—-your husband?

AMANDA. You mean...yes we do all sorts of stuff together.

TANYA. And you’re happy.

AMANDA. It’s normal, ordinary with him. And I like that. With you it was always...

TANYA. I’m not very good at housework. I don’t like children. I’m not really a woman at all, I’m a...Do you love him?

AMANDA. It’s not the same.

TANYA. You don’t love him.

AMANDA. We’re good together, useful.

TANYA. And we weren’t good together?

AMANDA. (Pause.) We’re still good together.

TANYA. But we’re finished.

AMANDA. You’re getting married. You’re getting married to the minister.

Scene 17

The Minister is giving a speech.

MINISTER. The war has been going on too long. It’s time to bring our boys back. (Applause.) What is going to happen in the Middle East? Nobody knows. That area of the world will always be troubled. But we have to think of this country, what is good for this country, and now is the right time to bring our boys home. (Applause.) People should be taught to stand on their own two feet. People should learn that self-reliance builds character. And people should know that there’s such a thing as throwing good money after bad. That goes for governments too. (Applause.) This government was elected by people who want to see change. And for the last three years we’ve delivered it. We have delivered change. And change is always both exhilarating and painful. These are exciting times...

Scene 18

Jack and Hendrick at Jack’s house.

HENDRICK. It’s simple, Jack. If the war stops, we’ll go bust.

JACK. What?

HENDRICK. I’ve done the sums. (Pause.) Look, there’s a thousand security men on the payroll, fighting over there. We’re opening up another agency. We’re paying kickbacks—-and the rest of the business is running at a loss—-

JACK. But Emilia and I are committed.  We’re committed, all the way, for the next few years. I mean a new house. I mean a place in Italy, investments, property—-everything.

HENDRICK. I know.

JACK. What are we going to do?

HENDRICK. You can start by getting rid of the old man.

JACK. I can’t.

Emilia comes in.

EMILIA. Clive is being court-martialled. I heard it on the news just now.

JACK. My brother, court-martialled?

EMILIA. That’s why they were detaining him. It wasn’t his wound at all.

JACK. My brother? (Pause.) I can’t believe it. The whole world’s disappearing into shite.

EMILIA. He’s flying in from Cyprus.

JACK. Clive’s incapable of doing anything wrong. Incapable of doing anything remotely dishonourable—-

EMILIA. They’re saying he tortured prisoners.

Silence.

HENDRICK. Well, I must go. (Pause.) Remember—-offload your liabilities. In the present economic—-

JACK. (Angry.) I know, I know.

Hendrick goes. Silence.

JACK. My father will be distraught.

EMILIA. Yes.

JACK. (Pause.) He judges Clive, criticises him but deep down he loves him and...Clive was supposed to carry the fortunes of the family. Clive was to be golden, immaculate. My father never wanted him to go into the army. He wanted him to be a diplomat, a minister, a bishop—-someone people looked up to; and Clive was holding up my father like Atlas holding up the world and...Me? I never had the remotest portion of my brother’s capabilities. He knew that, Dad, he knew...So....We both knew it. Tortured prisoners? It simply can’t be true.

Scene 19

Hanna and James in their house.

JAMES. For the past six months I’ve been eating, sleeping, working—-normal.

HANNA. You’ve been doing well.

JAMES. And now this.

HANNA. You wanted the war to end.

JAMES. Not if it means I’m out of a job.

HANNA. I don’t believe you’re saying this.

JAMES. We rely completely on our security personnel.

HANNA. Emilia will find you something else to do.

JAMES. Not if the business collapses.

HANNA. (Pause.) You haven’t mentioned Clive in weeks.

JAMES. Clive?

HANNA. He’s your son.

JAMES. He made his bed and now he must lie on it. I told him not to go into the army.

HANNA. We ought to go and see him.

JAMES. We can’t. And, anyway, I have no wish to.

HANNA. I’m sure the Home Office would allow it.

JAMES. You know nothing about these things.

HANNA. Well, nor do you.

JAMES. There’s the Official secrets act and...things like that...(Pause.) Before he was commissioned, I went up to spend a day with him at Sandhurst.

HANNA. You went to Sandhurst?

JAMES. I didn’t tell you.

HANNA. I thought you were against it.

JAMES. I was. But I went up because he won the sword of honour.

HANNA. Yes. The sword of honour.

JAMES. For a while I had a vision of Clive as some sort of warrior. (Pause.) Well, the troops are coming home. And soon I’ll be stuck with just my pipe. (Pause.) I don’t actually think we should pull out. Nowadays I think we should stay. And finish what we started.

HANNA. Those people out there have to stand on their own two feet without us.

JAMES. We should finish what we started.

HANNA. (Pause.) He was in his room at Sandhurst—-weeping, Hanna. (Pause.) And they gave that boy the sword of honour. (Pause.) He should never have gone into the army. I wanted him to do something with his life.

Silence.

HANNA. There’s Jack.

JAMES. Jack’s a good boy. And not stupid either. But he’s made of ordinary stuff. He knows it, does Jack. He’s a good boy. He was never meant for the heights.

HANNA. And Clive was?

JAMES. He might have been...Clive might have been...

He cannot continue as he has started weeping.

Scene 20

Amanda and Tanya.

AMANDA. Why did I get married?

TANYA. Because you’re a fool and you dislike men.

AMANDA. Why did you get married?

TANYA. (Pause.) Emilia had a miscarriage.

AMANDA. (Pause.) Terrible.

TANYA. No.

AMANDA. No?

TANYA. They have three already. Why bring another child into the world?

AMANDA. There’s nothing wrong with the world.

TANYA. We disagree on that.

AMANDA. Yes.

TANYA. Well—-why did you get married?

She tries to kiss Amanda who pushes her away.

AMANDA. We agreed.

Silence.

TANYA. Well—why did you get married?

Scene 21

James in his study. He has on his reading glasses. Reads a letter aloud to Hanna.

JAMES. ‘...I want you to know that of what I am accused I am completely innocent. It would be terrible indeed to lose the support of my family and you can be sure that if I were not completely free of blame in the incident, I wouldn’t trouble you with a letter. I would simply accept the deserved punishment as you taught me. (Pause.) We were on patrol in the mountains and I ordered some of my men up ahead. This was a routine mission to flush out fighters who had been making sporadic attacks nightly on our camp. During daytime they were difficult to find as they were, on this occasion at least, outnumbered. (Pause.) I stayed behind to organise logistics and the calling in of air cover and my men went in quietly, and sergeant and about a dozen squaddies. After about an hour, I received notice they’d found a nest of fighters and then there was an exchange of fire which we could easily hear a little further off down below in the valley. There was the crackle of firing and I was about to order in air cover but I lost radio contact suddenly and I didn’t for the moment know quite what to do. We had lost half a dozen men the day previous and I didn’t want to risk losing more. So I stayed with the rest of my detachment quietly down in the valley. (Pause.) After a couple of hours I got a message to go track down the men, so I took my troop and I few of us went off in an armoured car. There was a roadside bomb...’

Scene 22

The Commons.

MP. Might I ask the minister what he meant when he said, ‘Society cannot protect the losers.’

MINISTER. I meant what I said. There will always be winners and losers and the sooner people accept that the sooner they’ll have a chance to join the winners.

MP. May I ask who these winners are?

MINISTER. They are people who have successfully faced reality.

MP. What is that reality—-money?

MINISTER. Amongst other things, yes. I’m not ashamed to say it.

MP. So—-rich people have a firmer hold on reality than the rest of us?

MINISTER. Reality is recognising that there’ s no safety net, that life doesn’t hand you anything on a plate. If people are prepared to work for success—-

MP. But what if there’ no work?

Applause.

MINISTER. Look at the number of vacancies that haven’t been filled—

MP. Just because a vacancy exists it shouldn’t mean one has to fill it. People aren’t slaves. Why can’t they do the work they’re fitted for?

MINISTER. People should think about work first and what they’re fitted for second.

MP. Are you saying people are lazy?

MINISTER. When the economy isn’t growing—-

MP. He admits it. The minister admits the economy isn’t growing.

Applause. Laughter.

MINISTER. When the economy is slowing down a little, people must be prepared for working across every sector. These vacancies must be filled.

MP. Out of work doctors must scrub the floors of hospitals. Redundant engineers working in Tesco’s. Computer programmers to pick up litter. And you call that facing reality?

MINISTER. We can’t have half the population idle while the other half works to pay for it. We can’t have millions living on benefits, even if they are doctors or engineers. There’s a value in work of any kind.

MP. Slavery, not work. There’s no dignity in what you’re calling work.

MINISTER. Then you propose that people should be allowed to do nothing?

MP. I propose that this government gets the economy moving so that real jobs and suitable ones can eventually appear.

MINISTER. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Even the honourable gentleman knows that.

MP. Nothing is free. Not water, not shelter—-soon not even the air we breathe. Why don’t you bring back the window tax?

Laughter.

Scene 23

James and Hanna. James continuing to read the letter.

JAMES. ‘...Eventually we found the terrorists concerned, after a long search through the village. As far as we knew, acting on information received from local sources, we had the right people, the terrorists. (Pause.) We took them back to camp and began to question them. We used all standard methods—-sleep deprivation, round-the-clock interrogation, threatening to lock them up forever. These were all standard methods. Once or twice I slapped one of them—-yes—-one can slap a terrorist in a war. Or I would play a trick or two, some shoddy things. Why not? One or two of my men went too far...’

Scene 24

Jack and Emilia’s place.

EMILIA. We’ll have to dig into the school fees. We must have a hundred thousand saved.

JACK. Is there nothing else we can do?

EMILIA. We have to face reality. Unless we spend now, we’ll be paying double later.

JACK. Emilia, you’re sharp. I respect that. But if we dig into our personal funds...

EMILIA. How long have we been in this business together? More than ten years. We set it up at university. We’ve done everything together since then. Our marriage has been locked tight, tight, secure.

JACK. Yes.

EMILIA. Our business brought us closer. Because we relied on one another in everything. Our marriage was a business and our business was a marriage.

JACK. (Pause.) My father wanted our boy to go to the old school.

EMILIA. He will.

JACK. What’s next? The house?

EMILIA. If necessary.

Scene 25

Tanya and the Minister.

TANYA. Have I ever infringed your right to a past life? We agreed—-

MINISTER. Yes. A marriage of convenience.

TANYA. No. A marriage of mature people, adults. People who can draw up agreements—-

MINISTER. But with a woman. With a woman, Tanya.

TANYA. You make it sound perverted.

MINISTER. That’s exactly what it is.

TANYA. Don’t worry. I’m discreet.

MINISTER. (Shaking head.) With a woman...

Scene 26

James and Hanna as before.

JAMES. (Continuing to read.) ‘...I conclude this long and painful letter with once more a request for your understanding. Not indulgence but understanding. And the realisation, the acceptance, that in war one is sometimes forced to operate on the boundaries of what is considered acceptable or humane. You must understand that my men and I had been under fire for four straight nights and that I had lost more than a dozen men. My troop was seething and angry and ready to take revenge and, in the end, I was unable to do anything to prevent them. This is something very hard for a civilian to comprehend. How can gentle, civilised men, devoted fathers, stub out their cigarettes on a man’s face and groin? How can loving and affectionate husbands, ordinary men, decent, sane and reasonable, take a hammer to a man’s kneecaps? I would have been just as shocked as you may be now. Except that I was there. (Pause.) The court-martial will be coming round soon and I have been advised that I cannot hope for anything more than a dishonourable discharge. However, with your support...’

ACT II

Scene 1

The elder Guests’ house.

CLIVE. Dad.

JAMES. Clive, come into the light. My sight is going.

James looks at him a long while.

JAMES. Your eyes have lost their brightness. (Pause.) I suppose it was to be expected. (Pause.) Are you staying?

CLIVE. If you don’t mind. You got my letters?

JAMES. Yes.

CLIVE. It was all censored.

JAMES. I hope you’re not going to set yourself up against the war. This isn’t the nineteen sixties. Is your hand all right now?

CLIVE. As you can see—completely healed.

JAMES. This country needs the war. (Pause.) It needs to know that we’re on one side and they are on the other.

CLIVE. Who?

JAMES. Who?

CLIVE. Who is on the other side?

JAMES. (Pause.) The others.

CLIVE. The others?

JAMES. Terrorists. The forces of darkness. The axis of evil. Muslims. Fanatics. Suicide bombers. Extremists. (Pause.) We have to clear out our cupboard and go to war against all of that.

CLIVE. Do we?

Hanna comes in. She kisses Clive.

HANNA. It’s wonderful you’re back. They finally let you go.

CLIVE. Yes. I’m back.

HANNA. You’ll be staying?

CLIVE. Yes. I have nowhere else to go.

JAMES. I want to say a prayer. Let’s kneel. (They kneel.) Thank you, Lord—-for bringing my son Clive out of bondage. Forgive him and forgive us for the evil we both do and contemplate. Protect this house and these thy servants and heal our wounds, wounds of the mind both and wounds of the body. May you in your loving kindness visit us always in the spirit of mercy and may you bring forgiveness and salvation to your sinners and humble servants here below. Amen.

Tanya comes in. She goes to Clive and kisses him.

TANYA. Oh dear, what did they do to you? You’re thin, Clive.

CLIVE. I’m just the same.

TANYA. Oh bastards—-bastards. How could they do it to you? To lock you up for months. To lock up my brother. First they hand you out a decoration, and next they lock you up.

JAMES. A dishonourable discharge.

CLIVE. (Pause.) You’re married, aren’t you, Tanya?

TANYA. Yes.

CLIVE. I think I’d like to get married.

TANYA. (Laughing.) Any one in mind?

CLIVE. Not yet. but I do want children.

TANYA. Oh, Clive. You’re...odd. (Pause.) We’ll find you someone.

CLIVE. Please do. I’m not particular as long as she’s clean.

TANYA. Clean?

CLIVE. As long as she’s virtuous.

TANYA. Virtuous.

CLIVE. A pearl beyond price.

TANYA. (Pause.) You’re not being serious.

CLIVE. I am. She must be clean.

TANYA. All right. I’ll look into it.

CLIVE. Your husband’s coming?

TANYA. Yes, he’ll be along.

CLIVE. I should like to speak to him.

TANYA. We won’t discuss politics.

CLIVE. I have an idea about the Middle East.

TANYA. Please don’t antagonise my husband.

CLIVE. I just want to speak to him.

TANYA. It wouldn’t do any good. He’s very busy. There’s a by-election and he has to go and speak. Besides—-all that war stuff...it’s finished.

CLIVE. I don’t see.

TANYA. I mean it was last year. This year it’s the economy. Taxes. That sort of thing.

HANNA. (Pause.) You should eat something, dear.

CLIVE. I eat a lot. I’m always full.

HANNA. No, no, not at all. You scarcely eat anything at all.

CLIVE. I’m a secret guzzler.

HANNA. I wish you were.

CLIVE. I steal down in the night and attack your leftovers. Last night it was Welsh rarebit.

JAMES. Leave Clive alone. He’s always been thin.

CLIVE. (Suddenly furious.) The entire system is a ...capitalists. Capitalism. I see it now. Now I see it. They wanted the oil...so they moved in and slaughtered the people.

HANNA. Clive—-

CLIVE. They spoke of totalitarian regimes, repressive governments—-to make it seem—

HANNA. Clive-

CLIVE. To make it seem above board and democratic. They spoke of weapons of mass destruction and they sent in us to do their dirty work.

JAMES. Be quiet, Clive.

CLIVE. (Shouts.) I will not be quiet. I have a voice and by God I will use it. I will speak to the press—-I will go worldwide. Everybody.

JAMES. You’re making yourself a-

HANNA. All right. All right. Clive, dear. We understand. We really do understand.

Enter Jack and Emilia.

JACK. Clive.

They shake hands. Jack hugs Clive.

JACK. Clive. So. You’re free.

CLIVE. Yes. Supposed to be.

EMILIA. You’ll come and work for us.

CLIVE. Me?

EMILIA. We run a recruitment agency.

CLIVE. Recruitment? (Pause.) New recruits? I don’t...

JACK. (Laughing.) She said agency, not army. We recruit for jobs. And you ought to come and work for us. Unless you don’t...want...It wouldn’t be as if I was your boss.

CLIVE. I don’t think so.

HANNA. (Rising.) I’ll bring in supper. Just something light.

EMILIA. (To Clive.) What do you plan to do?

TANYA. My brother’s going to speak out against the war.

EMILIA. Oh? The war’s been very good to us.

JACK. Don’t talk like that, Emilia.

TANYA. Clive has it in his mind that it’s all the fault of the capitalists. We—-his family, are the enemy.

EMILIA. Because you’re capitalist?

TANYA. And I said capitalism is just another way of spelling civilisation.

CLIVE. No. You didn’t.

TANYA. My brother thinks it’s the sixties.

JAMES. I don’t want you getting into any more trouble.

CLIVE. I am in trouble. And I will speak out.

JAMES. I don’t want you bring it all back, relive it. Like all the others with your condition...I’ve read about it, sweats, nightmares...

CLIVE. There’s nothing wrong with me.

JAMES. You were never resilient. Were you? Even at school. But you wouldn’t listen to me and went into the army.

CLIVE. I wanted an active life.

Hendrick comes in.

HENDRICK. Is the minister here yet?

CLIVE. (Antagonised.) Who are you?

Hendrick and Clive stare furiously at each other.

HENDRICK. Who are you?

TANYA. This is my brother.

HENDRICK. Is the minister coming?

TANYA. He was at the by-election. He’ll be here soon.

CLIVE. What are you doing here?

Hanna comes back. They begin to sit down at the table.

HANNA. Just something light.

EMILIA. Don’t you want to work, Clive?

JAMES. Of course the boy will work. We can’t have him sitting idle around the house all day. Eating the bread of idleness. The best cure for anything is work.

The Minister comes in.

MINISTER. Greetings. By-election—-problems, campaigning and canvassing—-problems. It’s signed sealed and delivered. Our candidate is beautifully positioned. (He sits.) What’s this? Cold cuts?

HANNA. Are you hungry, particularly?

MINISTER. As a matter of fact, I am. But this will do.

JAMES. For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen.

They repeat ‘amen.’

MINISTER. Is there any of that wine? The good stuff?

JAMES. There’s more left.

He shuffles off to get wine.

HENDRICK. (To Minister.) Do you remember me?

MINISTER. Should I?

HENDRICK. I think so.

MINISTER. Why?

HENDRICK. (Pause.) Tanya said you’d be prepared to listen to one or two of my ideas. One or two propositions, as it were.

MINISTER. I don’t listen to propositions over food.

HENDRICK. No, no. Of course.

MINISTER. But you’re not eating.

HENDRICK. You don’t remember me. My name’s Hendrick.

TANYA. My husband meets a lot of people.

MINISTER. Most of them are after something.

HENDRICK. You see through me, minister.

MINISTER. You must be Clive.

CLIVE. Yes.

MINISTER. Do you know who I am?

CLIVE. You’re the government.

JAMES. He’s Tanya’s husband.

HANNA. Why don’t you eat, Clive?

CLIVE. What?

HANNA. You’re so emaciated.

CLIVE. I got used to doing without when I was a hostage.

MINISTER. You were a hostage? Over there?

JAMES. My son was taken by the tribespeople. They kept him in a cave.

MINISTER. Really?

HANNA. (To minister.) Would you like a little more?

MINISTER. One always likes a little more. (He helps himself.) Our by-election boy was running on an anti-war ticket.

TANYA. You see, Clive.

CLIVE. You won’t be out of there within five years.

MINISTER. What do you know about it? (Short silence.) Of course you know about it. But we’re getting out. Definitely. We’re bringing our boys back. You can count on that.

CLIVE. It’s all done by