Pearls of Wisdom For the Pastor and Staff Wives

By Rhonda Hensley

Pearls of Wisdom provides insight and suggestions in the form of constructive pearls for pastor and staff wives in the local church. The pearls address issues including living in a fishbowl and dealing with church hurt, loneliness, criticisms, and financial challenges. The purpose of the book is to share bits of wisdom in dealing with these issues and point the wives back to the scriptures that could help them work through these issues as they lean into Jesus and seek to find their joy in ministry again.

2

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 10, 2024
• ISBN: 9798890432780

Book preview

cover.jpg

Pearls of Wisdom For the Pastor and Staff Wives

Rhonda Hensley

ISBN 979-8-89043-277-3 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89043-278-0 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Rhonda Hensley

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

What Is the Role of the Pastor's Wife?

Expectations of a Preacher's Wife

Pearls of Wisdom for Pastors' Wives

The Role of the Modern-Day Preacher's Wife

Helpful Pearls to Consider

Chapter 1

Pearls: Family Time Is Important

Help for Family Time

Protect Your Marriage Relationship

Choose Joy

Chapter 2

Pearls: Living in a Fishbowl

Chapter 3

Pearls: Loneliness and Isolation

Loneliness and Depression

Why Is Loneliness in a Busy Role Like the Preacher's Wife?

Pearls to Combat Loneliness

Chapter 4

Pearls: Money, Money, Money

We Need a Place to Live

How Will We Afford to Live When We Retire?

There's Not Enough Money to Pay the Bills

The Church Budget/Offerings Control Our Income

Pearls for Financial Peace

Chapter 5

Pearls: That's My Man, Hold the Criticisms!

Helpful Pearls for Dealing with Criticisms

Chapter 6

Pearls: Church Hurt Is the Worst Hurt

Chapter 7

Pearls: The Balance Act

Caring for Yourself

Setting Limits

Chapter 8

Stringing the Pearls Together

The Fun Part of Ministry

Success in the Ministry Life

Love God, Love People

One Final Pearl

About the Author

Introduction

What Is the Role of the Pastor's Wife?

A pastor's wife is a woman chosen by God to use the gifts God has blessed her with to serve his flock as a helpmate to the pastor, the shepherd of the church. The pastor's wife, or shepherdess, needs to identify and develop her own strengths and talents to aid her in service. Is the pastor's wife called to be a pastor's wife? That is an individual question. I personally know that I was called to be a nurse: that is my personal ministry, but I was gifted with spiritual gifts that enable me to carry out my personal ministry and to complement my husband's ministry. I married my husband before he had surrendered to the pastoral ministry; I married him, not a ministry. But at the same time, I knew in my heart of hearts that God had something bigger for him than part-time music ministry, and in God's time, that came to life.

Carol Rhoads in Heart to Heart with Preacher's Wives (1994) wrote that God has called preacher's wives to a unique area of service to his work, in his place, in his time. She further noted that God will equip us to the work that he has given us to do. Hebrews 13:20–21 reminds us:

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ to whom be the glory for ever and ever.

I followed Dennis around for forty-plus years from one church to another first in the part-time music ministry and sometimes youth ministry positions and finally in pastoral ministry. All the while we were busy growing a family of three beautiful girls and trying to maintain some level of stability for our family. When Dennis answered the call to pastoral ministry, the girls were grown or at least in high school and college ages. Initially this was a bivocational ministry, one in which he worked 40–50 hours a week in his regular job as a high school band director and then worked part-time as a pastor. Those part-time hours added up every week, in study time, hospital visits, telephone visits with members, church meetings, and church activities. He was stretched pretty thin during those years. One church where he was serving as a bivocational pastor took a huge leap of faith and called him into a full-time ministry position where he served for eight years. Now in a much smaller church, he finds himself back in the bivocational pastor status, since the church finances are not adequate to pay someone full time. In these church ministries, there have been multitudes of beautiful blessings, and yes, there has been some church hurt as well. I stand firm on the belief that God brings us through difficult times to strengthen us, teach us, and make us wiser so that we can help others when they face similar trials. This is my inspiration for sharing these pearls of wisdom for other pastors' wives out there.

It is easy to find negative thoughts on the role of the pastor's wife and pastor's kids out there in books and blogs. Clearly there are some stressors that are common to many in this role. We will visit some of those in later chapters. But there are also many blessings and memories of precious families from these experiences. Several times in this book you will note that I encourage you to choose joy. A favorite verse is found in James 1:2, "Count it all pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

In this book, I want to celebrate the blessings and identify some sage wisdom and experiences for dealing with the hurts that do happen from time to time. My hope is that in the end, you will choose joy! Many of the suggestions and stories that are included in the book will come from my personal experiences and from the hundreds of pastors' wives who have shared their insights personally or through surveys.

Corrie Ten Boom wrote: Trying to do the Lord's work in your own strength is the most confusing, exhausting, and tedious of all work. But when you are filled with the Holy Spirit, then the ministry of Jesus just flows out of you. I don't know about you, but I really would love to be a Jesus faucet, where his love just flows and flows!

Expectations of a Preacher's Wife

Lisa Cullen shared a quote from an old Time magazine in her article about the toughness of being a pastor's wife; it is one that brings smiles to mind:

HELP WANTED: Pastor's wife. Must sing, play music, lead youth groups, raise seraphic children, entertain church notables, minister to other wives, have ability to recite Bible backward and choreograph Christmas pageant. Must keep pastor sated, peaceful, and out of trouble. Difficult colleagues, demanding customers, erratic hours. Pay. $0.

Many church congregations have preset expectations of what a preacher's wife should be in their church. These expectations are based on a multitude of factors and experiences that the church members have had with previous preacher's wives in their own churchgoing histories. Just imagine the number of varied expectations that could exist in a church of newer and older members combined who all have had varied church experiences in their pasts! No one could be expected to meet that endless list of expectations. Some church member expectations that we find to be interesting might include the following:

The preacher's wife is supposed to be able to play the piano well, teach Sunday School, and lead the vacation bible school.

I personally have been asked several times by a pastor search committee if I played the piano.

In one church, an older saint commented one day to me that all good preachers had to have a wife that played the piano; otherwise, the preacher was incomplete.

Many pastor search committees have asked what they can expect the preacher's wife to contribute to the church if the pastor is called.

The preacher's wife must be able to recite appropriate scripture verses to meet the needs of any given situation, with only a moment's notice. She should not only get the content of the verse correct but also be able to tell the members what chapter and verse.

She needs to dress in a manner that reflects the congregation's expectations but be able to find those exquisite outfits within the budget provided by the church.

I knew of one pastor search committee years ago (in the 1960s) that my parents served on. The committee literally decided against bringing a pastor candidate to the church because of the manner in which the preacher's wife was dressed. If I remember the details correctly, the poor lady was wearing high heels with ankle-length socks, which members of the committee found to be appalling, certainly not someone they wanted in their church!

The preacher's home should always be open to church guests at any hour of the day, and it should always be clean and tidy when someone drops in.

The preacher's children should be well-dressed, obedient, and always present for every church activity.

The list can go on and on, and often expectations change from one church to another (Wessels).

To expect a pastor's wife to conform to these ever-changing church expectations is a setup for failure. The pastor's wife who diligently strives to conform to who/what the church wants her to be, how she should behave, and what she should and should not do will soon find that she has lost her true identity. Trying to be something that you are not will ultimately lead to failure, stress, burnout, feelings of guilt, and even depression and anxiety. Many pastors' wives comment that they feel unprepared for their role as a preacher's wife. They most likely have not studied theology or psychology to help them teach or counsel with confidence. Some have employment outside the church to help support the family's financial budget, making them unavailable to the church members 24/7. Conflict can develop when the preacher's wife is who she