The Life of a Pastor's Wife: "Why didn't someone tell me?"

By Barbara Kinney

How will a woman know what her life will be like as a pastor's wife? How will she find her place within the congregation and the inner-workings of the church? How will she handle the diverse issues that will come to her door and the many challenges that she will face? Read the advice of many pastors' wives who have told their amazing stories of how they found answers to the many perplexing questions that have come their way. Extensive interviews were conducted with pastors' wives around the United States and Canada, discussing their life experiences as a result of their many years of ministry. These anecdotes are full of wisdom and wit. Some are even unbelievable and heart-wrenching. But all are true and are rich with spiritual lessons which can be applied in church life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 23, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644717578

Book preview

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The

Life

of a

Pastor’s Wife

Handbook for Pastors’ Wives

Why didn’t someone tell me?

Barbara Kinney

ISBN 978-1-64471-756-1 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64471-757-8 (Digital)

Copyright © 2019 Barbara Kinney

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Table of Contents

Introduction

Acknowledgments

The Pastor’s Wife

Being Me

Warning! Bumpy Road Ahead!

Crossing the Line

Everyone’s a Critic

Difficult People and Situations

Humor in the Ministry

When the Well Runs Dry

Blessings

The Joy Robbers

From the Pastor’s Perspective

Who Is the Pastor’s Wife?

About the Author

This book is dedicated to Janet Lindsay Smith, my sister and friend, who was the motivator and inspiration for this book. After more than fifty years in the ministry with her husband, she saw the need for a comprehensive book to help the novice wife of a pastor orient herself into her new life.

Without her inspiration, motivation, and insight into the private life of the woman behind the pastor, this book never would have been possible.

Introduction

The question that will inevitably be asked: Is there anyone out there who can help, who understands, who will offer step-by-step guidance through the minefield of church orientation for the pastor’s wife? While not trying to be an absolute authority, this book offers insight and wisdom from numerous women who have spent years in the ministry. In the following pages, these women have graciously lent their expertise to this project with numerous examples of real-life situations. All anecdotal examples represent true and actual experiences that have been given to this writer from pastors’ wives (PWs) in many different geographical areas around the United States. Names and some locations have been changed to assure the privacy of the contributors.

Examples are discussed and followed by a section called Lesson Learned. This is helpful advice from PWs that can be immediately applied in similar situations. All of the examples have come from women from many different areas in the United States and Canada, from various denominations, and are true experiences. Some of them may seem unbelievable! Yet they actually happened.

This book may be read as written; however, each chapter is meant to be a stand-alone and be used also as a reference source and a helpful guide to a particular situation in which a PW might find herself. After reading this book, it is hoped that many women will be able to apply some of the advice and useful scriptures into their own lives, or at least not be caught off guard or blindsided when it happens to them. To realize that one is not alone and that there are others who have shared the same experience can be most helpful in ministry.

It is for this intent, to help the woman in the church field, working alongside her husband, that this book has been written. Should it be an aid in any of the unforeseen circumstances and events that one faces in church ministry, it will be well worth the effort of writing The Life of the Pastor’s Wife.

Acknowledgments

Writing a book on the life of a pastor’s wife entails the help and advice of many people. Over the past 4 years I have had the privilege of interviewing women in various churches, denominations and locations throughout the country who have been in ministry with their husbands. Sharing their stories and scenarios, experiences and solutions with me have led to a wealth of knowledge that formed the pages of this book. I am forever grateful to these dedicated women and pastors for their contributions. Without them this book would never have been written. I am deeply indebted to all who have helped in this project.

Chapter 1

The Pastor’s Wife

"When my husband felt the call to become a pastor, I wondered just what that would mean for me, his wife. I had certain expectations of what it would be like, some practical and some very idealistic. I could not imagine in my wildest dreams what that life would really be like. A moment in time was all it took for my life to change completely, and it has never been the same since.

"I’m a pastor’s wife! Now what? Isn’t there supposed to be a how-to manual that gives all the dos and don’ts of the pastorate? Questions of all kinds started to flood my mind. Do I have certain responsibilities that will be expected of me? Should I take an active role in the various groups of the church, or should I just be a silent observer? Do I sing in the choir, teach a Sunday school class, volunteer for the nursery, or head up the women’s Bible study group? Who comes first, my husband, my family, or the church? Can I have close friends from within the church? Who do I talk to when I have a problem? Are pastors’ wives even allowed to have problems?

"During the first part of our marriage, I was like many young women, being happy and active in a local fellowship. I was conscious of the necessity of growing my spiritual life as well as bringing up our children to love the Lord. I had this idealistic picture of our future church being a haven for good solid Bible teaching with a godly pastor along with his wife. Together as a team we would be a model couple who would influence the congregation by the way we raise our children, how we practice what was taught in the pulpit, and how we would treat everyone we met. The pastor’s wife (me) would be a perfect complement to her husband, supporting him, working beside him, and influencing many women to attain a higher level of spirituality. It all looked so wonderful, so effortless, and so easy to do! Yes, that was my innocent dream of the future as a pastor’s wife.

"Now it was a reality. It did not take very long for me to know that I was in uncharted waters! Those tasks that I had observed my own pastor’s wife do that seemed so easy and normal all of a sudden became a tremendous challenge. I soon realized that behind the scenes, she had handled family and church, held a part-time job, continued her own spiritual growth, appeased disputes among the congregants, dealt with late-night telephone calls, which sometimes were about things which were neither urgent nor important, and handled a multitude of daily events which were both church related and non-church related with the utmost composure, delicacy, grace, love, and patience.

Now I was faced with those same tasks. Difficult? Yes. Frustrating? Yes, with double exclamation marks!! Is it worth it? Again, yes, without reservation! But it is a different life than I had expected. A seminary student was overheard saying, as she was preparing to marry her pastor fiancée, ‘I can’t wait to be married and established in our new parsonage so my husband and I can settle all the little problems in our congregation that come our way.’

In the above statement, there was a combination of innocence and naivete. I had heard this young innocent bride-to-be say that over fifty years ago. I imagine there has been a very big learning curve for her over the years. I often wonder what she would say today.

The question might be asked, Are pastors’ wives [PWs] called into the ministry in the same way that their husbands are called? Some PWs say they were drafted, some say they were called, and some say that they didn’t feel a call at all but simply wanted to be a godly woman. Still others responded that they just happened to be married to the pastor and just fell into it.

Called, Chosen or Drafted?

To write a book which has as its main impetus the pastors’ wives is to attempt to live in the shoes of a countless number of women. They go about their daily lives taking care of their daily responsibilities plus their active roles in ministry. In addition, it is to understand the challenges and issues in raising their families under the watchful eyes of the church, which includes a whole set of different complexities. It then becomes difficult to understand their daily lives and their contributions in which they may be involved. Nevertheless, the purpose of this book is to attempt to offer some guidance to these many unrecognized women. Their daily toils make it possible for pastors to accomplish the tasks for which they were called—husband, father, and shepherd of their flock, the church.

Often overlooked are the multiple tasks that confront every woman when she partners with her husband in the various church fields to which he may be called. Some of the challenges, not the least of which, may be to try to understand the new culture of each church. Culture? Yes, each church community, especially if it is an established one, has its own special customs, ways of doing things, expectations for the pastor and his wife, and goals that the church may have for the newly appointed pastor. These may or may not have been communicated to him and his wife, yet are expected to be reached.

A pastor’s wife must be able to take care of her husband, family, and those unique challenges of ordinary life while trying to understand the intricacies of the church community. The questions then become: What is her role? How will she fit in? How should she develop relationships? What are the boundaries she can set between family and church? And finally, how does she figure this all out? To say the least, this is a complicated and often difficult scenario. She must try to put it all together, and often this is done alone. Her husband will have his own challenges, and though he would like to support his wife, he will be of little help. Many in the church will assume that she will fit right in and will automatically take on her new responsibilities and, in short, know just what to do.

All of this may seem unfortunate and unrealistic, yet it is often only too true. If a PW is unaware of the difficulties that may occur during a day in the life of ministry, she will be totally at a loss as to how to handle the surprises when they come. What will she do when some stranger comes knocking at her door asking for food or money? How will she react when gossip rears its ugly head by threatening someone’s reputation (possibly hers)? Where will she find her friends, in or outside the church? What about the young teenage girl who has a crush on the pastor? These questions and many more have been asked by women starting out in the shadow of her husband’s pastorate. How does she survive this huge leap from the life she has dreamed of and the reality of ministry?

In the past, she looked to older women, seasoned with age and experience, for help with questions regarding her children and family situations. For church-related issues, possibly she consulted her husband, who most likely was at a loss if it dealt with other women in the church. If her parents were available, she had a resource for advice, but again, they would be very prejudiced in her favor in cases where she needed guidance or perhaps a lesson on forgiveness.

Today there is a wealth of information at our fingertips for just about everything you can suggest. But not a lot on orientating the novice PW to her new ministry. The question that will inevitably be asked is, who can help, who understands, who will offer step-by-step guidance through the minefield of church orientation?" Who better to consult with than PWs who have spent years in ministry work and have completed many decades of church life with their husbands? They have been face-to-face with all the difficulties that pervade the family that lives in the parsonage, and have offered their help.

A Calling?

I have had the privilege of interviewing PWs around the country, and it has been an eye-opening experience for me. I had no idea that there were such differing opinions on important issues that PWs are deeply concerned with. When wives of pastors were asked if they were called by God to this career, they were evenly divided. However, the bottom line was they all agreed that they were to be in partnership with their husbands and wholeheartedly support them in their ministry. Some were willing to play a very active role in the life of the church, and others were very happy to stand in his shadow, yet be his source of encouragement, his supporter, and to make their home his sanctuary. The women I spoke with were highly motivated, loved the ministry, and felt that God led them to where they should be in life. Here are some examples of their responses to the question, Is a pastor’s wife called to the ministry?

Michelle

Being the wife of a pastor is a calling. It keeps us focused on the purpose of why we are here. Learning to discern and encourage the gifts in others is one of the blessings of being in the pastorate. My husband has encouraged several young men to become pastors. As far as their wives are concerned, we learn from one another. In one of our churches, I wasn’t needed to teach or play the piano, but I did find my place in the kitchen, being one of the servants. Among them, I learned a lot about the people, their joys and sorrows and their struggles with their children. Truly, there are seasons to life. Sometimes we sow, grow, reap, and we learn to listen, hold our tongues, and pray. Truly, it is a great privilege to be a pastor’s wife, and I thank God he chose me.

Edie

"You are invited to be part of people’s deepest pain and greatest joys. We have sat together at a table with a couple who were in agony after learning their unborn baby had no brain stem and would not live outside the womb. We have cried with and prayed with a wife who had just learned her husband had had an affair. We’ve been part of people’s life milestones, weddings, births, conversions, baptisms, and funerals. People see us as part of their family and will invite us to their family reunions!

Sometimes I feel like I am on holy ground, a place on which very few people are invited to stand. When I sat in a hospital waiting room with a woman whose husband was about to be wheeled into the OR for open-heart surgery, I witnessed them kiss each other and say their goodbyes, knowing it could very well be their last kiss if the surgery did not go well. Who am I, really, to witness such a tender moment? It’s not just his job—it’s ministry. And yes, I am called too.

Chosen, not Drafted

When a person is called by God, he or she does not need the promise of a job with a short workweek, good pay and lots of benefits. When God calls and we listen, good things happen. Scripture tells us that God not only called his twelve disciples but chose them and equipped them for the job ahead. (Matthew 10 NIV).

Who has called us with a holy calling, not according to our works but because of his own purpose and grace.

(2 Timothy 1:9a NKJV)

No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.

(John 6:44 NKJV)

Some, who were called to fulfill God’s purpose were the following:

Samuel was called when he was still a little child.

(1 Samuel 3)

Moses was called while he was tending sheep for his father-in-law.

(Exodus 3)

Abraham was called to be the father of nations.

(Genesis 15)

John the Baptist was called to bring the people to repentance and prepare the people for Jesus’ ministry.

(Matthew 3)

Deborah was called to judge Israel and lead an army to victory.

(Judges 4)

Priscilla and her husband were called to teach the Gospel message.

(Acts 18)

Mary was called to be the mother of Christ.

(Luke 1:28–38)

These men and women heard the call and were ready to face whatever God would allow in their lives. Trials, tests, heartaches, and persecution were part of their lives, but they were not deterred. Today we also have people who are willing to follow the Lord’s calling and say, Here I am, Lord. Send me. These are the men and women who give so much of their lives in ministry and are willing to live in the fishbowl.

So how is this accomplished? How can one live effectively and productively in this scenario? It then becomes very important to prepare yourself weekly, daily, and perhaps hourly for these various issues. There is an old hymn that so well expresses the need of being close to the Lord in all situations, but the chorus solidifies the message of each of those wonderful four verses.

Moment by moment I’m kept in His love,

Moment by moment I’ve life from above,

Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine,

Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.

(Moment by Moment by May Whittle Moody)

The answer is to have a private life of daily prayer and Bible study so you will be in spiritual shape in order to have the foundation necessary to succeed. It is not bad