Marriage, Ministry, and Maturity Book 1: Trying on My First Lady Heels

By Chantea C Kirkwood

Yes, you're his wife, but you are God's daughter first. Don't let anyone tell you what heels to wear!

Is the ministry straining your marriage? Are you standing on a shaky pedestal? Does glamour seem more important than growth? Well, Chantea Kirkwood knows just where you are. This former first lady was there too. In this very perso

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: May 17, 2021
• ISBN: 9781647739522

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Marriage, Ministry, and Maturity

SERIES

trying on my first lady heels

Chantea Kirkwood

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2021 by Chantea Kirkwood

Scripture quotations marked NCV are taken from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked web are taken from the World English Bible. Public domain. Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public domain.

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Manufactured in the United States of America

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-64773-951-5

ISBN 978-1-64773-952-2 (ebook)

Contents

Preface v

Introduction viii

My Story xxii

STRUGGLES: Trying on First Lady Heels

Wearing the Heels: Qualified to Be First 3

Style Matters: Determining What Works 15

The Right Fit: Who to Trust and How to Lead 24

STRENGTHS: Settling Into Your Stride

A Tight Fit: Adjust Using Your Strengths 35

Stride Right: Move in Sync with God 44

High Step: Enlighten the People You Serve 56

STRATEGIES: Stepping Tall in Your Purpose

Resist the Spikes: Always Lead with Kindness 67

Raise the Stakes: Keep Him Interested in You 76

Release the Stress: Everything is Not Your

Assignment 94

Remain Resolute 100

BONUS MATERIAL 107

Endnotes 114

Preface

As I sat in church one Sunday praying for the Leading Lady of our ministry, I was prompted to tell the story of pastor’s wives everywhere. Reflecting back on my time as a co-pastor beside my husband in the early 2000s, I thought about how lonely that experience was. Especially when my husband was going through his own personal struggles, who could I turn to? Who would understand and not treat him differently? How could I be discreet about what was happening in our household when it seemed to be tearing me apart? I was doing ministry while in a new marriage that I barely had time to adapt to—let alone experience instant turmoil.

I was wounded, alone, vulnerable, yet called to this marriage and trapped in a spiraling ministry with no life preserver in sight. Everywhere I turned, and to every person I let in, the isolation grew deeper. Most said they understood, but they didn’t and they treated him differently as a person and us differently as a couple. People can’t really handle the personal faults of those in spiritual leadership and be able to move forward.

Besides living beyond the personal human struggles in my marriage, I was newly a pastor’s wife (or what we affectionately call the Leading Lady), the spiritual mother of a congregation, and the one sought after for nurturing. All while trying not to get lost in his shadow and determine my true roles and expectations.

Fast forward to the Summer of 2017, long after we closed our church doors and decided to seek healing for our own souls, we found various ministries to call home where we could offer as much support and understanding to the Pastor and Leading lady as humanly possible. Here I am in Sunday worship service finding myself pondering the thought, who does she turn to when her husband is dealing with his own humanity, knowing that people will treat him differently if they knew? Who does she talk to when she feels out of place in the ministry he feels led to? How does she determine her role or calling within this context? Who are her friends that she can trust when her humanity seems to be all alone? Who does she look to for guidance? Are there any mentors in her life? How will she deal with people mistreating her husband first and her pastor second? Do her kids even like church? Ooh, how do they keep their children from hating the God they love so much because daddy is always away helping someone else and not catering to the family? What happens when she is disrespected by women who may be attracted to her husband or simply want her life?

See, she has to worry about sharing too much, not knowing who to trust with what she feels she needs to share. She has to behave in such a way that will not cause harm to his ministry or that might cost him ministry opportunities. What happens when there is nothing going wrong, but he is pastoring everyone except you. He has time to listen to everyone else’s problems but yours? He seems to be everything to all people and only bares the title husband and father in your home?

This book is not to bash pastors or even churches for misunderstanding the needs of the Leading Lady. No, this book is about how you can successfully climb the hills, travel through the valleys of life, and realizing that all Leading Ladies have strengths and struggles. Some strategies can help you thrive in ministry and not just survive it. I want to thank and acknowledge the six extraordinary women who contributed their stories and words of wisdom to this work. Pastor Nicole Nichols, Pastor Pamela Hines, Pastor Shanda Tripp, Lady Kimberly Webb, Lady Stacy Edwards, and the late Lady Pearline Phillips—this book would have been incomplete without your courage and transparency. Your adoration for God’s people is shown in the breath of what you were willing to share. May God continue to favor your lives, and may everything you do to further your family and God’s kingdom prosper!

Introduction

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

—John 15:16 (NIV)

So, here’s the deal, sis—your frustration has a fruit-bearing purpose! You know as well as I do you were called when he was called, if not before. You were built, purposed, and appointed to bring your strengths and strategies to this struggle. Believe me, girl, I am not delusional. In times past, we all have said, What have I gotten myself into? Or, If I knew ministry was going to be like this, I would not have married him.

Ministry can be tough. There are so many personalities different from your own. So much learning, doing, and growing that sometimes there seems to be no time for you. You wonder, Does he know we exist? How will the kids feel about him when they are grown? Will they resent us like we resented our parents who dragged us to church every time the doors were opened? They even missed things that were important to me while attending functions for the parishioner’s kids. Or, maybe you married your spouse before he or she became a pastor,