As I Wander: Finding Meaning in the Meandering of Life

By Kayla Beck

Life can often resemble an unknown terrain, leaving us feeling lost, disoriented, and alone. In her enlightening book 'As I Wander,' Kayla offers companionship on this journey, sharing relatable stories, probing questions, stirring songs, and comforting scriptures that illuminate the path. This engaging book is more than just a reading experience; it's a shared expedition through the highs and lows of life. From triumphant moments atop mountains to parched days in deserts, Kayla reminds us that no season is permanent and that each brings its own unique lessons and experiences. As we navigate through these diverse landscapes, we're guided towards a deeper understanding of ourselves, a stronger relationship with God, and a renewed love for our families. 'As I Wander' is an empowering guide that not only encourages the exploration of our inner selves but also fills us with hope and joy, reaffirming that we are never truly alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350935387

Book preview

title

References

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture references are from The Holy Bible NIV (New International Version).

References in the Snapshots for the Journey sections are noted by each quote.

Cover and Graphic Design: Lauren Henderson

Copyright 2023

ISBN: 979-8-3509353-8-7

Contents

Dedications

A Letter From Kayla: The Heart Behind As I Wander

Before You Begin

Section One: Deliverance in the Desert

1. Peace in the Midst

2. But It’s Okay

3. When God is Silent

4. Year of Fears

5. Lost Among the Blades

6. Isn’t That a Coincidence

7. Really, Really Want To

8. Masquerade

Section Two: Victory in the Valley

1. Glory in the Gloom

2. While I Wait

3. Cheers of Change

4. Tapped Out

5. Picnic Pity Party

6. From Heart to Hands

7. Abide and Abound

8. Are You So Happy?

Section Three: Forgiveness in the Forest

1. Bitter to Blessed

2. My Life is a Makeup Palette

3. Trust in Transition

4. Sharpen to Shape

5. How Much is This Worth?

6. Motive and Motivation

7. Dented

8. Maybe Today

Section Four: Mercy in the Mountains

1. What Are You Trading For?

2. Cave Digging

3. Give Up and Give In

4. Through It All

5. All Things New

6. Choose the Shoes

7. For a Season or For a Lifetime

8. Investigating Investments

Small Group Leader Guide

About the Author and Illustrator

Dedications

To my family: You have each been a constant source of encouragement. You have traveled with me through many of life’s terrains providing support, wisdom, and prayer. I could not be more blessed to call you mine!

To my small group friends: It has been such a blessing sharing many of life’s ups, downs, and in-betweens with you all. Your desire to grow deeper in your relationship with God and encouragement to one another has truly been a gift and joy to me!

The Heart Behind

As I Wander

Life… therein lies so much to be discovered, but also much that is feared. We pass by so many on this journey who seem to have it all figured out. They have the knowledge to get them where they want to go. They have the right stuff packed in a perfectly equipped bag. Everything about them looks clothed in success for the road ahead. I'll be honest in saying that this person is not me. In fact, I'm the one on the outskirts just wishing that figmentation of reality was me.

Most days, it seems as though I am just wandering around with no idea of how to get where I want to go–struggling to discern the next step on the path ahead. Are you another on this meandering road with me? I’ve come to realize that we often place worldly expectations on circumstances that can only truly be defined and refined by God. All the smarts, stuff, and success in this world can't fully lead me to where I am going, for life is a journey continually unfolding before me. I don’t always know the hidden opportunities or the exact path to take, but I do know Whom I can trust to lead me. As we encounter life’s experiences, there is one thing of incomparable value that traverses all of those terrains with us–the value of a good guide, our good God.

This book is a compilation of challenges I have confronted on the winding road of wander. Through the twists and turns, the meandering messes, I've had a constant guide. He has never let me down. Yes, friend, everywhere we wander isn’t easy. I've been in places where no hope seemed to be in sight, where I had forgotten who I was and Who was with me. But, alone is something I have never been, even when I've felt the weight of it. I imagine you have been there, too.

My prayer for you is to find meaning in the meandering, purpose in the pain, and joy in the journey as we travel through the terrains of life together. As you start this journey of self-discovery in your with-God life, remember these words:

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth,

do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the

wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:19

Blessings on your journey of a life well-lived,

Kayla Beck

Before You Begin

This book is created to be a safe place for you to discover more about yourself and to connect in a deeper way with God. Sometimes, the way we communicate with God can start to feel stale or monotonous. Included within these pages are opportunities for you to engage with God in a way that may be different than what you’ve been doing.

Each section includes:

•Fireside Chat: Journal.

•Questions to help you unearth deeper parts of yourself and how you are relating to God in those

•Scriptures to Navigate: Memorize.

•Keeping God’s Word at the forefront of your thoughts

•Snapshots for the Journey: Remember.

•Quotes to dwell on

•Soundtrack to Discover: Worship.

•A song to declare the goodness of God

•Cover it in Prayer: Pray.

•Simple prayer to communicate with God

•Bible Journaling Breath Prayer Graphics: Engage and Create.

•Beautiful artwork that allows you the opportunity to meditate on God’s Word while relieving anxiety and tapping into your creativity

•Engage through Bible journaling: Color then go back to the full passage in your Bible

•Engage through breath prayers: Notice each graphic has the words inhale and exhale

One method of engaging with Breath Prayers:

•Inhale:

•Close your eyes

•Slowly breathe in deeply, filling your lungs

•Do this while saying the first part of the scripture in your mind

•Hold your breath for 4 counts

•Exhale:

•Keep your eyes closed

•Slowly breathe out, emptying your lungs

•Do this while saying the last part of the scripture in your mind

•Hold your breath for 4 counts

•Repeat 3 or more times

Ready?! Grab your journal, favorite color pen (mine is purple), and some colored pencils or gel pens to beautify the breath prayers included throughout the book!

Peace in the Midst

IT CAME RUSHING IN WITH A GLANCE AT AN EMAIL…

It’s one that I dreaded every time it presented itself in my inbox. But, this particular month was different. Instead of the words glaring me in the face and instantly sending me back to the past of pain, overwhelming sadness, and frequently shed tears, I opened it with a soul at rest.

You see, our first baby would have been 2 years old that month. The email was telling me all about what I should expect my little toddler to be doing at this point in his or her life. I have to admit that the moment we found out I was pregnant a couple of years prior was a mixture of joy, excitement, fear, hesitation… and shock! What a surprise! I had received the best gift ever imagined (just a little earlier than expected)! Robbie and I had only been married a little over a year, I still had another semester of college, we had just moved into a new house, we were balancing school, work, and church… let’s just say it was quite a season! But what better way to continue our busy season than with such a beautiful blessing?

Little did we know, we wouldn’t see our little blessing–at least not on this side of Heaven. Pregnancy complications started from the beginning and continued over the course of several weeks. I was determined to think positively that the pregnancy would work itself out and suddenly my body would start functioning the way it should have to take care of my baby. I was convinced the timing was just perfect because I would graduate from college a few short weeks before the baby was due! But that didn’t happen.

A short, yet seemingly endless, 2 months went by and the complications didn’t cease. I already had so much love for this sweet baby of ours! The day we went to see our baby for the first time–a day that would have been filled with immeasurable joy–was instead a chandelier of shattering glass in my soul. I have never felt so numb… so lifeless… so broken. That appointment started with the hope of confirmation that our baby was okay. The ultrasound tech was so kind and excited for us as we prepared to discover the baby’s measurements. But suddenly, her giddy disposition changed. In hushed tones, she tried to form the words for news she didn’t expect to share that day, I’m so sorry. There’s no heartbeat. We stared at the formation of our baby on the screen. We didn’t know how to react. We sat in silence, then after slowly getting ready, we were sent to talk to the doctor. We were told my body would most likely pass the baby within the next couple of days.

We left the office shedding silent tears, beginning a transformation in my heart I hate to admit. I struggled alone, not wanting Robbie to see me as completely shattered and enraged as I felt on the inside. Our marriage began to struggle as a result of the coping methods we chose. Instead of supporting one another emotionally, we dealt with the disappointment separately. We have since learned that depending on one another and God in those moments is a much better route to take! When I was alone I wept, sat staring silently for hours, and slept to forget–only to wake to remember.

I recall the exact day the loss happened. I was getting ready to leave for Student Teaching when my body broke in anguish, falling on my knees and screaming, Nooo! in a tone I had never before and never since experienced. Somehow my body knew that this would be the day. It was a testing day and I was assigned to another room, so the responsibility I felt toward what other people needed from me overrided my own physical and mental needs. I mustered enough will to clean up my tears and go. In hindsight, I probably should have stayed home.

What I didn’t expect was for it to happen a few hours later in a Staff bathroom at the school. After gaining enough mental strength to walk across the hall, my body shaking, I gathered my belongings from the classroom and headed home. I had never felt so forsaken until that moment. I grieved often…and each day I would resolve enough of my fake exterior to leave for my days of Student Teaching and work eager to return home at night, so I could be myself…well, my new self… my lifeless self. My angry self. My incredibly confused and lonely self. For the next couple of months, well-meaning people would often ask: How’s the pregnancy going? and I’d politely respond with, It didn’t work out this time, but thank you for asking.

But through this season of struggle, I will never forget the support I was given; the support that helped me cope, bringing me slowly back to a stronger version of myself. The day it happened, my parents met me at my house and sat with me… crying hot tears, praying comforting prayers, and holding me tightly for hours. That remembrance gave me enough courage to make it through the days that I didn’t want to face. The days I just wanted to lay in bed begging God to give me the answer to why?.

Time went on, and it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant… one of my closest friends, my sister, and even more friends. Everywhere I turned, it seemed like the very thing I wanted more than anything in this life was consistently being rubbed in my face, so to speak. I tried to be happy for them. I truly tried, but I couldn’t shake the past. That began a time of bitterness, jealousy, and borderline depression from seeing them have what I had lost. Then, of course, I would feel bad for feeling the way I felt! Oh, the turmoil! I would go through the day loving on other people’s babies, only to go home missing the one that would have been mine to hold, to love, to read to–to cherish.

Thoughts would come to mind like: You aren’t worthy enough to be a mom. These are lies. God didn’t put these thoughts in my head. They are what I chose to believe. Every day, with every kid I worked with, every I’m pregnant! from other people, was just another reminder. But, then God gently spoke to my heart…straight into my shattered soul.

Through the array of emotions during the months that followed the loss, I recall one day vividly. It was a day of peace. Finally! It wasn’t joyful, but it was peace in the midst of agony. It was exactly what I needed. I sat down at my piano, which I would often do to work out anything troubling me. God spoke to me through written words that flowed from my pen to paper, through the keys on the