Sandi’s Story: Memoirs of an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse

By Randy Gardner

This story is for you, whether you are a victim or a survivor of child abuse,
or know someone who is. This is the compelling story of a child’s struggle to survive emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of her own family.
It is also the story of her lifelong struggle to deal with the pain and to heal the emotional scars resulting from years of abuse. Sandi’s Story is taken directly from the journals of the victim herself. Anyone concerned about child abuse will, without a doubt,
want to read and learn from this personal account.
This story is also enriched by helpful comments, quotes, poetry, and prose; much of it written by other survivors or experts in child abuse. Remember… tell your story

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781462878970

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Randy Gardner.

All artwork by Eve Thompson, copyrighted by Randy Gardner 2012.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011908556

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4628-7896-3

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4628-7895-6

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4628-7897-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

92550

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction  Why Sandi’s Story Is Being Told

Chapter One  You Are Not Alone

Chapter Two  Why Not Orphaned?

Chapter Three  The Blame and Shame Begin

Chapter Four  Learning to Keep Their Secrets

Chapter Five  How Much Weight Can One Child Carry?

Chapter Six  You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

Chapter Seven  A Time to Heal

Chapter Eight  Love IS All There Is

Chapter Nine  Inside Sandi’s Garden

Epilogue  Silence Is Not Golden

Appendix A

Appendix B

Bibliography

Acknowledgments

There are many who I would like to thank that helped in some way to help see Sandi’s Story published. First, I’d like to thank Cindy Hutchins, MA, LPC, former executive director of Shelby County Children’s Advocacy Center, without whose support, dedication, and encouragement this would have never been completed. I would also like to thank Kathy Leslie Smedley, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT, program director of Northeast Texas Child Advocacy Center, who provided publishing information to me. She also willingly allowed portions of her own work to be used to help supplement this story. I would like to also thank those who provided prose and/or poetry to be used anonymously to enrich Sandi’s Story. Thanks also to my incredibly talented daughter-in-law Eve Thompson for devoting many long hours of work to create the beautiful and inspiring artwork. Although she never met Sandi, she was able to interpret Sandi’s story through her drawings to depict the heart of a hurting child. I would like to thank our children, Lenny, Hunter, and Cassidy, for their support and unending love. Most of all, I would like to thank my beloved wife, Sandi, for twenty-seven years of love and companionship, without whom my life would have been empty.

candle.jpg

Candle in the Darkness

If we take time to grieve over what is lost

and if we do not run from the feelings that sometimes

overwhelm us, we can grow towards a brighter future.

Often, we think we are not strong enough to ride out

the storms of sorrow, but we are—and we do.

Always remember that beyond the storm peace

beckons…

Like a candle in the darkness.

Spiritsong—Copyright 1994

Introduction

Why Sandi’s Story Is Being Told

This is the story of the struggle of a victim of child sexual abuse/incest to become a survivor. This is written as a firsthand account by the survivor herself. The story comes directly from Sandi’s many journals and notes that she left behind as well as her rough draft of this story. Sadly, as she neared the end of her handwritten account, she suddenly died, becoming the angel I always knew she was. As her husband, I feel that it is very important to bring as much of her story to as many as possible in the hope that it will help others.

First and foremost, it is being done to help other victims in similar situations to know that there is hope and assistance for them. Second, it is being told to help people to be able to recognize the signs that children may be being abused. Third, and very important, this is written to let other victims/survivors know that not only is it okay to tell your story, but telling is the only way to begin the process of healing and moving from being a victim to being a survivor. Last, Sandi’s story is being told out of love, to carry out her wishes, so that her memory can live on and that she will not have died in vain.

Sandi was born March 4, 1960, in Munich, West Germany. This is where her birth father, Adrian Stewart (b. 10-26-1933), was stationed in the U.S. Army, with her birth mother, Sandra Dale Leaver Stewart (b. 02-12-1937), and her two older brothers, Adrian Dale Stewart (b. 08-19-1955) and Ronald John Stewart (b. 04-04-1958). A younger brother, Caley Jay Stewart (b.09-05-1963), would be born three years later after the family’s return to the United States.

Sandi died at the young age of forty-one in 2001 due to the negligence of her doctor. This is sadly ironic as Sandi had survived so many horrible abuses, including psychological and physical abuse, as well as incest and other forms of sexual abuse.

Please be aware that there is material that may be considered to be of a graphic nature in Sandi’s account. However, to not include it the way she wrote it would be to diminish the reality of the horror of the abuses she endured from at least the age of three through the age of fourteen, a total of a minimum of twelve years of torture. But there is only as much as Sandi was willing and able to write down. I remember that she told me there were still long periods of time that were blank, and there are some things she would never be able to write on the details of the abuses.

Despite these abuses, Sandi defied the odds and became a compassionate and loving mother of three boys. She was proud that she was able to break the cycle of abuse so that it did not continue. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about her perpetrators.

Sandi’s Story will hopefully let others know that a child molester will always be a child molester. Her story will also point out that some molested children do become child molesters themselves. However, it is still possible for that child to say, No, I don’t want to inflict pain on any child like was done to me, and to help stop this horrific crime committed against children every day.

Just how often this crime is perpetrated on our children can be seen in the following statistics gratefully provided by Darkness to Light. Darkness to Light is a nonprofit organization that seeks to protect children from sexual abuse by educating adults to be able to recognize, prevent, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. Their prevention and response program known as Stewards of Children can be completed in workshops or online at www.darkness2light.org.

01.   One in four girls is sexually molested before the age of eighteen.

02.   One in six boys is sexually abused before the age of eighteen.

03.   One in five children is solicited sexually while on the Internet.

04.   An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

05.   Thirty to forty percent of victims are abused by a family member.

06.   Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.

07.   About 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know; therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

08.   The median age for reported abuse is nine years old.

09.   More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of eight.

10.   Nearly 50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are children under twelve.

11.   Evidence that a child has been sexually abused is not always obvious, and many children do not report that they have been abused.

12.   Over 30% of victims never disclose the experience to anyone.

13.   Young victims may not recognize their victimization as sexual abuse.

14.   Almost 80% initially deny abuse. Of those who do disclose, 75% disclose accidentally, and more than 20% will recant even though the abuse occurred.

15.   Fabricated sexual abuse reports constitute only 1% to 4% of all reported cases, and of these, 75% are falsely reported by adults. So children actually only fabricate 0.5% of the time.

16.   The way a victim’s family responds to abuse plays an important role in how the incident affects the victim.

17.   Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who tell and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

18.   Children who have been victims of sexual abuse are more likely to experience physical health problems.

19.   Victims of child