Raising Stars: The Challenges and Joys of Being a Bollywood Parent

By Rashmi Uchil

Raising Stars: The Challenges and Joys of Being a Bollywood Parent is a captivating journey into the world of parenthood as experienced by some of Bollywood's stars. Author Rashmi Uchil delves deep into these stars' personal stories and cherished practices, inviting you to step inside their homes and hearts. From the joys of raising their children to the unique challenges they face in the spotlight, this book unveils it all.

Whether you're a parent seeking inspiration, a fan of Bollywood, or simply curious about the universal bonds of family, Raising Stars is an enriching and enlightening read that will leave you with a deeper appreciation for the complexities and triumphs of parenthood in the limelight.

Navigating Parenthood in the Spotlight

Exclusive access to Bollywood stars' parenting journeys. Heartfelt stories and cherished practices of celebrity parents. Celebrates universal bonds of family amidst media scrutiny. Insights into navigating parenthood in the public eye. Written by a seasoned journalist and content development expert.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fingerprint Publishing
• Release date: Oct 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9789358563207

Book preview

Introduction

I was on the phone with a celebrity mother once and she said, If you are a celebrity, people just assume that you won’t take care of your kids. This is terrible. The sheer exasperation in her voice got me thinking—this is not fair. A mother is a parent whether they are a celebrity or not. It is a myth that celebrities depend on a team of nannies to raise their little ones. Of course, they have help, but they do understand the importance of ‘family’ and ‘being there for their children’ just like all of us. Most of them have made peace with the paparazzi and have accepted the fact that they will always be followed by the camera. It comes with the turf. The camera will follow you if you are in showbiz. Despite the many challenges they face and the constant public glare, celebrities do all that they can to give their children a normal childhood.

The more I witnessed actors performing in front of the camera and simultaneously checking on their little ones, the more determined I was to write a book on ‘celebrity parenting.’ The germ of the idea of a book on ‘celebrity parenting’ had taken root in my head. And then began the endless calls to celebrities and their managers for telephonic or personal interviews. While sharing notes on parenting with tinsel town folk, their love for their children shone through. They were dedicated parents, first and foremost. They left the trappings of being a star at the gate of the studio. I’m eternally grateful to each celebrity for taking time out of their busy schedules and giving us, the readers, a glimpse into their personal lives and parenting styles.

Every parent is different and every parent has their unique style of raising their children. Each parent spoke at length about what was closest to their heart. Zarine Khan stressed the importance of raising children to be kind while Salome Roy Kapur spoke about how she raised all three of her sons to be feminists. Boman Irani warned against instant gratification which kids nowadays are getting accustomed to whereas Pooja Bedi told us how she inculcated the value of money in her children. In conversing with 26 celebrities, I covered a wide spectrum of topics ranging from anger management, helicoptering, polarized parenting, and a lot more. Each topic covers an aspect of parenting new-age parents deal with daily.

Writing this book has been an enriching experience for me. I have learnt so much while writing this book. I’m sure you, my dear readers, will emerge richer and wiser by reading Raising Stars: The Challenges and Joys of Being a Bollywood Parent

Chapter one

Anger Management

Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry.

Lyman Abbot

Anger is a natural emotion. No one is anger-free. It is an emotion that is looked down upon as it gets the better of us. Adults too have a hard time controlling anger. Can you remember the last time you felt really angry? Perhaps you yelled, sulked, stormed off, or locked yourself inside a room. Basically, anything that made your anger feel better. While you did all that, your child may have been watching and learning how anger is displayed. Most likely, they will also imitate the same behavior when they feel angry.

Renowned psychologist Dr Hvovi Bhagwawar says, As a parent, it is important to teach kids that ACTIONS, not feelings have a limit. All feelings are acceptable and part of being human. However, the way we show these feelings is important. You need to not only tell your children, You can be as angry as you want, but hitting is not allowed," but also show them the same. Assertiveness is the healthy BALANCE, which means learning to express anger without making you or the other person feel bad. Giving your child lessons in assertiveness include reminding them to be polite no matter how large the provocation is, expressing anger without being sarcastic, finding a solution instead of flying into a rage, having calm body language, and learning to speak facts rather than exaggerate issues.

As children, we were left to our own devices to handle anger—we cried it out, got into fistfights, or bottled it up. We do not want our children to do the same. Won’t it be wonderful to teach our children how to deal with anger-inducing situations in their formative years? The child may encounter situations at school or with friends which ignite anger—it could be a bully at school or a friend cheating in a game. As parents, we need to guide our children to deal with these situations without flying off the handle.

Mahima Chowdhary has equipped her daughter to deal with bullies without getting into blows. Nor does she tolerate tantrums from her little one. A smart mom, she has a trick or two up her sleeve. Listen in.

Mahima Chowdhary

My Life, My Kid

Working moms do have to juggle between their work commitments and the home front. I am into events and travel 20 days a month. There have been times when I could not attend PTM at the school. Once I wasn’t there to see what Aryana had done throughout the semester, but my friend stepped in and took over. My daughter did tell me that all the other moms were present, but I wasn’t there. I told her, That is fine.

When I was 4 years old, I was put in boarding school. I was away from my parents for nine months a year. I have a sister and a brother. All three of us were at boarding school and my parents had to take care of that financially. We had an annual school concert, and I would always participate in the play. My parents could not make it to the concert many times. It was not financially feasible for them to fly and come down to the boarding school three times a year. Air travel then was a very different scene. Nowadays, you can just hop on a flight without thinking twice. My boarding was in Darjeeling and at times my parents were posted in Assam. I felt a sense of loss at those times, but eventually, I accepted it. I understood that my parents could not be there for me all the time. I made peace with them for not attending the annual concert.

My daughter knows she has an extra-committed forgetful mother. I explain everything to my daughter. I tell her I cannot make it to school as I have such-n-such commitment and instead of feeling bad, she tells me, It’s okay, mama. You go. There is no need to stay back. Children should learn that they will not have the luxury of their parents being there for them all the time. Children should learn to deal with disappointments in life. It’s an integral part of growing up. I’m not constantly around to keep a check on the child, but my parents are at home. That’s a blessing. I travel with a sense of comfort.

When we were growing up, kids were not spoken to with respect. Teachers and figures of authority spoke to us in a very derogatory way—Stand up on the chair. Get out of the class. I have been beaten and caned at boarding school. Thank goodness, none of that happens now. No one is allowed to beat the child. Even if the child is talking in class, the teacher politely explains, You are disturbing the class. Today’s kids are a lot less likely to have bottled-up emotions of anger, as they are less likely to get humiliated in class like we were. Earlier if the teacher asked a kid, What is 2 + 2? and the kid said 5 instead of 4, it was very easy for the teacher to call him stupid, an idiot, or make a laughing stock of him in front of everyone. It is much nicer today. I wish I had gone to school during these times. I would have blossomed more, become more confident, ask more questions, and been less afraid.

I was a very good student and did well in academics. I was a diligent kid who participated in all extracurricular activities at school. I was the middle child of three siblings. I knew I had to shine to get noticed. I knew I had to do it under my own steam and stand out in the crowd. My sister is 11 months older to me. So all the clothes and shoes I wore were her hand-me-downs. My sister got new clothes. My brother got new clothes. I was the only one who did not get new clothes. If it were a special occasion like Diwali, I got new stuff else I always wore hand-me-downs. I tell my daughter, Do not complain. You have a lot more than I did at your age. Think, can’t you do without this thing? That keeps her grounded. Mobile phones are not allowed in school. When she goes out to play, I give her a mobile, but that is more for security reasons.

Today, there isn’t too much unhealthy competition. The ranking system is gone. There is no I stood first, second, or third in class. Children get their grades. No one makes a big deal about it. I tell my daughter that it does not matter if she gets a B grade. I always tell her, Not everyone can be an Einstein. There is competition in sports—like say, during a relay race. During the school’s sports day, they have different teams like A, B, C, and D that compete against each other. Later on, children represent their school and compete with other schools. That is healthy competition. The important thing is that she loves going to school. She will not miss a single day. Even if she is sick, she wants to go to school, but I do not let her. I tell her, If you go to school, the other kids may fall sick too. My daughter returns from school by 5.30–6.00 p.m. on weekdays. Kids are dog-tired by the time they come home. If they have to go to a birthday party, it is usually on the weekend. Screen time is only on weekends. I read something brilliant somewhere—Give your kids the iPad, but do not give them the charger. Just don’t give it to them. When I ask my daughter to stop playing on the iPad, she will always beg, One minute, mama. Let me win the game, but when the battery is draining she will herself say, It’s got just 1% charge remaining. Take it back. It’s blinking.

Kids have started using cuss words liberally these days, and that’s because they hear them more often. They have so much exposure—the movies, the Internet. We did not grow up listening to our parents swear, but so many people of our generation use the four-letter word all the time. My friends say, What the f . . . or Hell man in exasperation or during a conversation, not realizing what they are saying. At times, I’m washing my hands, and I’ve kept the phone on speaker, and my daughter hears it. It does not occur to adults that there are kids in the room and they should watch what they are saying. My daughter corrects them. She says, You just used the F-word aunty. The adult is then stumped, taken aback, and sheepishly mutters Sorry. I’m sure they do it unknowingly. You pick up bad words first. In any language that you speak, the first thing you learn in that language is how to say I love you or how to use cuss words. That’s just the way it is.

Tantrums should not be tolerated. Even when my daughter was four, tantrums were a no-no. It just does not work with me. It could be that she wants to go somewhere or buy herself a toy. Some time ago, she was into the loom band craze. She was making something and ran out of loom bands. She was adamant—I want loom bands. I called the toy store, and they told me the loom bands were out of stock. I told her to do something else. She could distract herself with something else and would get the loom bands after two days when they were available at the store. I explained to her that it was not the end of the world. She said, I want it right now, and I said, No. You will not get it right now. You will have to wait. Tantrums happen. If I say No to buying her something, her next line will inevitably be All my friends have it. I will then say, Let them have it. If it is a reasonable demand, I will give in. If it is not a reasonable demand, Aryana will have to wait a little longer. I just don’t listen when my little one throws a tantrum or thumps her foot. I am very clear about it. I tell her, If you throw a tantrum, you are not getting it at all. Calm down. With love, you will get everything. By throwing a tantrum, you will get nothing. Tell me nicely and I assure you, if it is reasonable, you will get it. If it is not meant for you, then you will not get it. Once you are 18 and an adult, you can have it. It’s okay to let go of things not meant for you.

Last year, I did not send her on an overnight school trip. She said, Everybody is going Ma. I told her I cannot send you on an overnight trip. I will not be able to sleep at night. I’ll probably follow the school bus in my car, reach the location, and sleep in my car when you are sleeping in your room. Your friends have brave mothers. You have a chicken mother. Next year, when you are older, I will send you. This year, I sent her. You read about things happening to kids when they go on trips, or go swimming; so I’m not sure if I should send my child on a trip and have a sleepless night. Moreover, she is a girl child.

Bullying happens in school. My daughter gets bullied by my friend’s children. First of all, there is a No Bullying Policy at school. If the parent feels that their child is getting bullied and they need to step in, all that the parent needs to do is send a mail to the class teacher or Head of the Primary Section and the school promptly takes care of it. Once or twice I did mail the teacher and things were sorted.

Aryana had a friend who was bothering her. She would tell her mean things like, This is my area. This is my cubby. Why are you sitting next to me? This was going on for a few days. I told Aryana, You have to not take it. Stand up for yourself. I taught her what I had learnt at boarding school. I told her, Next time your classmate asks you, ‘Why are you standing here?’ tell her—It is my wish, my will, my body, my soul. Aryana memorized it—It is my wish, my will, my body, my soul. The next day, when she hopped off the school bus, there was a big smile plastered all over her face. She told me, Mom. It worked. I told that girl, ‘It is my will, my wish, my body, my soul.’ I asked Aryana, What did she say?" Aryana told me the girl did not know what to say; she was stumped. Aryana won the battle. She stood her ground. There is no need to get to blows. You can stand up to bullies without getting physical.

Chapter two

Blue Is for Boys and Pink Is for Girls, Is It?

The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be, rather than recognizing how we are.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

He is too timid for a boy. She is too pushy for a girl. Flex your muscle for the camera, sonny. Pout for the camera, girlie.

We have all heard these kinds of remarks being loosely tossed about by people around us. While gifting a baby girl a pink rattle and a baby boy a Nerf gun may seem rather innocuous at the beginning, gender stereotyping can have rather debilitating effects in the long run. Boys who were raised to bottle up their feelings as children find it difficult to express love as husbands and affection as fathers. Having to put up a brave front at all times takes a toll on them. Says Dr Bhagwawar, We often don’t realize it, but boys have it rough. The cultural conditioning, not just in India, but the world over, has forced men and boys to conform to gender roles that are so heavy in the expectation that men crumble under the weight of it. This term is called toxic masculinity, which forces males to stick to age-old gender roles, such as women cook, men earn the money". Even if men want to break out of this role, they are often mocked and bullied, or worse, ostracized which leaves them confused and frustrated.

What’s the solution? Redefining gender norms, starting in our homes. When children watch Mom in the kitchen, Dad watching TV, we are reinforcing those gender norms. Very subconsciously. So ask yourself a question today—What’s the smallest change I can make that will help me teach my son or daughter that their gender doesn’t define them? Teach your daughter to fix a leaking faucet and your son to do the dishes. If your daughter is drawn towards G I Joe instead of Barbie dolls, so be it. If your son prefers painting to football, that’s good too. Slowly and steadily incorporate these changes into your daily life. All these seemingly tiny actions will at some point aggregate into a much larger social movement.

Gender stereotyping is commonplace. The good news is that a growing percentage of parents are aware of the repercussions of gender stereotyping in children and are nipping it in the bud. Nandita Das is one such parent. She gives us a glimpse of her parenting style.

Nandita Das

My Life, My Kid

From the day my son was born, the one book that I have constantly been writing in my head is about parenting. The last eight years have been dramatically different from my entire life before that. I definitely don’t subscribe to the theory that being a mother is essential for women or that we are incomplete without playing this role. That would be too much of a generalization and unfair to the many new lives that women are finally able to lead. But personally speaking, this experience continues to impact all my big and small decisions about life and work. I am constantly creating and editing my own handbook of what right parenting is all about. But there isn’t an easier way out. No wonder they say, A mother is born on the same day as her child. I am an older mother and was hoping to therefore be more mature and wiser. I struggle with the same questions, pangs, and dilemmas that most first-time mothers go through.

I remember how, when I was pregnant, I wanted a daughter. Probably the collective guilt of male preference weighed on me and made me want to right the wrong. But over the years I have realized that the challenges of raising a boy to be sensitive and to have a deep sense of equality were no less than the challenges of raising a girl to be confident and free. Unfortunately, social constructs and stereotypes gender children very early. Toy shops have separate sections for girls and boys; clothes and gifts are blue and pink, and comments like Don’t cry like a girl! and Don’t sit like a boy! plague our environment. How much can one protect a child from such an onslaught? How does one expose a child to a more egalitarian and genderless world without making them too self-conscious about it?

As my son began to understand the world around him, uncomfortable questions about the inequalities that we live with started popping up. Sadly, we have normalized the harsh reality of people sleeping on pavements under skyscrapers or reading about women reaching the moon right next to a story of female foeticide. Such paradoxes have become a way of life. Thankfully, some of us are still disturbed by it, even though we are constantly trying to find ways around it. When children look through the window of our car, I am torn between giving money and perpetuating beggary and not giving, thereby being insensitive to their genuine needs. Either way, I make eye contact, make faces to make them laugh, and at least humanize the interaction. My son and I talk about it, and he asks me many questions, as he should. Through all such processes, children remind us of things we must never forget.

Then comes the biggest dilemma: what kind of education do I want for my child, and what options do I have? Education has been an area of deep personal interest. I was a student at a somewhat ‘alternative’ school in Delhi and later taught a term at Rishi Valley as part of my gap year. But today, in a city like Mumbai, the options are very limited. And while I realize the privilege I have in being able to send my son to one of the best schools in the city, it is still not how I see a centre for learning. The pedagogy is modern, and the children do retain what they learn, but it is not without competition, an overload of information, and the inadvertent problems of plenty. I feel a school needs to allow more time for free play and preferably be close to nature. Empathy and sensitivity need to be inculcated just as much as a love of history and science. In so many schools, the arts are viewed as extra-curricular activities and not given the importance they deserve. Art expands imagination, self-expression, and creativity. So, while we all believe that children must follow their dreams, most systems of education do not encourage or expose children to the wide variety of options that exist for them.

I even explored the idea of homeschooling but knowing that I have many interests and concerns that require my time and attention, I knew I would not be able to do justice to it. Moreover, I think it is important for children, both sons, and daughters, to see their mothers at work. It ensures that roles don’t get defined in their minds. Girls derive confidence from their mothers as role models, and boys learn to respect that women work, not only because they need to but also because they like to. Growing up, I was convinced that mothers go to the office while fathers cook, clean, and, for recreation, paint! I am glad I was exposed to such role reversals at an early age.

We are, after all, a product of our influences and experiences. The wider and more varied they are, the more nuanced our understanding of the human condition and relationships will be. But it’s a double-edged sword, as harmful influences exist too. And those are the ones I try to monitor. Instead of having to say no, I try to look for alternatives to things my child wants—be it unhealthy food, gadgets, or games that teach you to be more competitive and selfish. The fact that they are all so enticingly packaged makes the task even harder. I believe freedom of choice and the ability to discern are important to instil in children, and with the right guidance, a fine balance can be achieved. It makes children more mindful of their actions and their repercussions.

My son is now 8, and we have some of the most interesting conversations about all of these issues and more. It never ceases to surprise me how much children understand and contribute. I remember once when my son wanted something that I didn’t want to