Diary of a Mad Woman

By Fairuz Binti Haji Abdullah

A young lady transformed from being timid and unlucky in life to a person who was a breath of fresh airher transformation from being engulfed by the sickness of bipolar mood disorder during her adolescent life, enduring painful experiences, to developing her self-esteem and personhood once again. And in later life, she wins finally.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: Oct 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781482827651

Fairuz Binti Haji Abdullah

The author’s courage sparked a milestone in her life. From being unsure about herself and having several suicidal decisions, she managed to kill off the treacherous demons that haunted her for ages. She nearly jeopardized her relationship with her family—especially with her dear mom whom, without the author knowing it, she despised. Now she had achieved a great bond with her dear mom and family, even though at a rough time, she nearly burned her bridges. She was committed to a psychiatric ward and was paralyzed at one time too, but she hung tough during both sad experiences.

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Copyright © 2014 Fairuz Binti Haji Abdullah. All rights reserved.

ISBN

978-1-4828-2765-1 (e)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

www.partridgepublishing.com/singapore

10/03/2014

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Contents

Foreword

Prologue.

Chapter 1 : A Usual Life.

Chapter 2 : Sickness Came To Haunt, As I Begin University Life.

Chapter 3 : The Days That Went By.

Chapter 4 : Help! I Am Sick.

Chapter 5 : The Mind Healing Process.

Chapter 6 : Towards The Light.

Chapter 7 : Coming Back.

Chapter 8 : Why Depression?.

Chapter 9 : Could Depression Be Treated.

Chapter 10 : Where To Go For Treatment?.

Chapter 11 : The Final Words (Epilogue).

My Ever Loving Mom.

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Foreword

This book is a story of a girl who had illusions of life due to emotional disturbance. She was in her teens when first affected by the disturbance. She grew up into late adulthood, carrying her illusions which became worse. She was a bright student, both at school and later at college. Sadly, her emotional sickness kept haunting her, resulting in unsuccessful completion of her studies at her college.

Armed with her school certificate qualifications, she entered the employment world. First, as a temporary teacher and later on as an administrative officer at a number of institutions. But her emotional incapacities kept hanging on, even though it was getting better. She sought many medical treatments and traditional means of healing, but it helped only a little.

Today, she is in her thirties, and has recovered fully from her sickness. She wrote this book basing on her experience of the sickness as much as she can remember. It has been an immense task for her, but with some help from her friends this book is born. I have known Fairuz, the author of this book since she was about twenty years of age. I have seen her difficulties during those years and I am very glad that I had been in the position to help her many a time during her difficult moments.

This book is written by Fairuz, a person who has suffered serious emotional disturbance for many years, but who has come out of it to tell her story. I believe this is the first of its kind. It is a book beyond comparable value.

Every medical doctor, parents and the common man should read this book.

Dato’ Prof. Dr. Hashim Yaacob

Fellow of the Royal College of Pathologists, United Kingdom.

Foundation Fellow of Oral Pathology, the Royal College of Pathologists, Australasia.

Prologue.

I had a notion and a sudden urge to write this book based on my life experiences which I wanted to share with the readers at large. It is not my intention to ask for sympathy or empathy from anyone but I think it is worth to express my feelings who has suffered from depression. Hopefully this little effort from me would benefit others. To suffer in silence alone is dreadful.

In The United States alone, it is said that about one third of its population suffer some forms of depressive illness like schizophrenia, mood disorder, suicidal behavior, and other mental illnesses. It was indeed a very high figure and is quite alarming. Imagine it happening in the most advanced country in the world and treating these sicknesses is not easy. Imagine it happening in an undeveloped or developing country!! How could we avoid from these sicknesses?

Just think for instance, where did we go wrong that we are not able to curb these problems? Medication is not the solution to all sicknesses. They said prevention is better than cure. Our belief in medication as the best remedy is baseless. Our willpower is the back bone, the main key, the answer and the movers towards recovery ultimately.

That was what I learned from my experiences as a depressed patient.

I say my thousand thanks to the affectionate people who throughout my life, had helped me in my quest to conquer the pain which I had to endure:

To my Mother and Father, thank you because you have raised me up with love, and had taught me greatly. To my Brother and Sister, whom I love very much. Without them, my life would have been colorless and would have meant nothing. To my nephews and nieces, who were my inner strength.

My thanks also go to the Universiti of Malaya Vice Chancellor, Profesor Dato’ Dr. Hashim Yaacob, whose advice will always be with me. To my doctors who patiently and endlessly treated me well; Prof. Dr. Ramli Hassan; Dr. Shong; Dr. Shaiful; Dr. Noormalin; Matron Esah, Matron Chong and the nurses who worked so hard in helping me out with my sickness and my tantrum; They are the unsung heroes.

My sidekick, Abang Abdul Naddin who gave me ideas to write this memoir; Dr. Adilya Sicilda, my best friend and Norzana Anuar; Dr. Kennedy Imran Aralas Kua who made my life happy although for a short time; Dr. Sal Atan, who become my friend in need during my hard times.

Puan Mahaya Yassin and Ibu Azmah Nordin, for teaching me inner strength.

The solid support from all those friends mentioned above have given me the will to live a better life.

Sincerely,

FAIRUZ HJ. ABDULLAH,

Taman Indah Permai, Menggatal,

Kota Kinabalu, Sabah.

5th. Of April, 2004.

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Chapter 1 : A Usual Life.

First of all, I decided to write this short biography of my life as a remembrance and a lesson of a true experience for everyone to read.

My life started in 1971, right after the biggest flood that ever happened in Malaysia. On 5th. Of April, 3.20am I was born. It was the day when my father was born too. I was the second child and the first daughter of my dad Haji Abdullah Haji Abu Hassan and mom, Hajah Rahimah Haji Zainuddin.

I was told that Dad and mom celebrated my birth with joy. Why not, it was only after three years of my elder brother’s birth that I arrived. I was his playmate who pampered me. Then came my younger sister, Hajah Faizah, followed by my younger brother, Ahmad Faizal.

After I was born, I was whisked away to Johor by my dad who worked in Johore. We moved to many other places subsequently. The place that I fondly still remember was Parit Subari and Parit Yusuf in Muar, Johore. There I grew up until the age of six. I remember the house we lived in overlooking a river, Sungai Sarang Buaya. They said there were many crocodiles in the river. I do not know whether it was true or not, as I did not remember seeing any crocodile.

I had swell – time at Sungai Sarang Buaya, as I had many friends. I was very talkative and hence was treated like a big kid, like the rest around me. I was a story-teller too. My mom told me that I used to stare at the ceiling and mumbled a lot as I stared. Worried, my parents employed traditional medicine men to treat me. As time went by and when I grew a little older, the staring and mumbling disappeared. What I had seen on the ceiling were most fascinating and beautiful, extraordinary lights. It wanted to communicate and play with me. Was it only my imagination? Old folks used to say that kids can see things which could not be been seen by adults, and that kids have their own fairy godmother. I have no answer to that questions.

I did not stay long at one place though. We returned to our old village, Kampung Perigi Jernih at Senaling, Kuala Pilah, Negeri Sembilan. There, I started my primary school at Tunku Kurshiah Primary School, Kuala Pilah. I only learned how to write and read from a teacher but never entered kindergarten formally. That was enough for me as I could read and write by then. I was lucky as my dad had the initiative to have me taught