A Step Away From Bathing with a Toaster

By David Kitzmiller

"A Step Away from Bathing with a Toaster" is a poignant and reflective nonfiction memoir by David Kitzmiller that chronicles his transformative journey as a depressed American on his first-ever trip to Australia. Against the backdrop of Sydney's colorful atmosphere, the narrative unfolds with an unexpected weekend romance that sparks a whirlwind of emotions, setting the stage for a profound nine-day cruise where he contemplates the transient nature of love and life.

 

Within this heartfelt memoir, David fearlessly shares his personal experiences, delving deep into the complexities of past loves, the profound impact of lost family members, his relentless battle against addiction, the challenges of aging, and the weight of loneliness. He bares his soul with unflinching honesty, intimately connecting readers with his vulnerabilities and internal turmoil.

 

Amidst the exploration of romance in Sydney and the captivating ambiance of the cruise ship, David skillfully interweaves moments of humor and wit. These comedic interludes offer respite from the weightiness of his struggles, highlighting the resilience of the human spirit and the power to find laughter even in the darkest moments.

 

As David wrestles with the voices in his head, readers are invited on a profound journey of self-discovery, forgiveness, and healing. Interspersed throughout the memoir are thought-provoking poems that provide deeper insight into his emotional landscape, inviting contemplation and reflection.

 

"A Step Away from Bathing with a Toaster" is a captivating memoir that delves into universal themes of love, loss, resilience, and the pursuit of self-acceptance. With lyrical words, raw emotions, and a touch of humor, this book encourages readers to examine their own lives, finding peace in David's unwavering determination for a brighter tomorrow.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Kitzmiller
• Release date: Jun 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223920670

David Kitzmiller

David Kitzmiller is a seasoned writer currently residing in Indiana. With a writing journey spanning several decades, he discovered his passion for poetry at twelve. His love for adventure has taken him on numerous trips around the globe, where he immerses himself in diverse cultures and finds inspiration for his writing. As a devoted romantic, David's work reflects his deep appreciation for love stories and the profound connections that shape our lives. Committed to capturing the depths of human emotions, he aspires to touch readers' hearts with his evocative prose. When not diligently crafting his narratives, David finds comfort and joy in spending quality time with his beloved children and cherished grandchildren.

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A Step Away From Bathing With A Toaster

David Kitzmiller

David Kitzmiller

Copyright © 2023 David Kitzmiller

All rights reserved

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 979-8223920670

Cover design by: David Kitzmiller

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to Ivy, Mary, and Dave, my constant sources of inspiration. Your vibrant spirits, compassionate hearts, and adventurous souls have profoundly shaped me. You remind me of the beauty in life and the strength within us.

You are my joy. Your love has carried me through difficult times. As you journey through life, remember to understand your own narration. May you always embrace your uniqueness, spread love, and approach life curiously.

This book is a testament to life and the endless possibilities that await. May it inspire you to embrace your stories, overcome challenges, and believe in the power of still wanting a tomorrow.

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword

CONTENT WARNING

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Introduction

DAY ONE, WE LAND

JUST TELL ME

MOVING DOWN & UP

VIKINGS, A MENTAL SNAP & SLICES

DAY TWO, REELING & BANANAS

KOALAS, TOUCHING & LENNY

HACKING HER & THE INTERNET

PERSPECTIVE ON RISING

HANDS, REPLACEMENTS & A HOTEL

STRIPPER REVEAL & THE DEEP END

LIKE A VAMPIRE

HEAD MUSIC

THE CLOSING MONOLOGUE

DAY THREE, STUPID FUCKING GOODBYES

I’M ON A BOAT

BREAST & PANTIES

TO THE CLUB

NAPTIME & SWINGERS

I NEED A PR PERSON

THE LONG WAY HOME

POST NUT CLARITY

BRIGHT EYES

GIRL IN LOVE WITH TWO OTHER GUYS…

MY FIRST REDHEAD

NAILS DOWN MY BACK GIRL

GIRL WITH A SONG TITLE

THE FIRST EX-WIFE

THE SECOND EX-WIFE

WAIT, YOU’RE STILL HERE?

BONUS CONTENT

References

Foreword

Where's my Foreword Dana????

CONTENT WARNING

Please be aware that the following book contains explicit and sensitive content, including gambling, substance abuse, child abuse, suicide, sexual content, adult content, and profanity. This disclaimer is provided to ensure that readers are fully aware of the adult nature of the content and can make an informed decision before engaging with the material.

1. Substance Abuse: This book contains portrayals and discussions of substance abuse, including the use of drugs, tobacco products, and alcohol. These portrayals are intended to shed light on the consequences, effects, or experiences related to substance abuse. Reader discretion is advised, as the content may be explicit or uncomfortable for some individuals. If you or someone you know is dealing with substance addictions, please seek appropriate support.

2. Discussions of Suicide: This book explores the theme of suicide, including discussions or depictions of the reasons behind it, its impact on individuals and society, or related topics. These portrayals aim to address the subject matter responsibly and foster understanding, but they may be distressing or triggering to some readers. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please seek appropriate professional help.

3. Child Abuse: The book contains discussions and depictions of child abuse, both physical and sexual, experiences as told by the victim. However, it is essential to note that these topics may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Reader discretion is advised, and if needed, it is recommended to seek support or guidance. If you or someone you know is a victim of child abuse, please remember that no one should suffer in silence. Reach out to professional resources and support networks to find the help and assistance you deserve.

4. Sexual Content: This book contains explicit descriptions, discussions, or depictions of sexual activities, relationships, or themes. These portrayals are intended to explore human experiences, emotions, or relationships realistically. Reader discretion is strongly advised, as the content may be explicit, mature, or uncomfortable for some individuals.

5. Adult Content: This book contains adult-oriented themes, situations, and content unsuitable for readers under a certain age. Such content may include explicit descriptions of violence, sexual activities, or mature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised.

6. Profanity: This book uses strong language, including profanity and offensive terms. Such language is intended to reflect the realistic portrayal of characters, situations, or dialogue within the narrative context. Reader discretion is advised.

7. The references to movies, television shows, and music are intended to enhance the storytelling experience, create cultural context, or provide examples for comparison. Readers should exercise their own judgment and familiarity with the mentioned media and independently explore and validate any references that pique their interest. The availability, accuracy, or relevance of the mentioned movies, television shows, or music may vary over time. The references provided in this book are based on the author's knowledge at the time of writing, and some details may have changed since then.

8. Please be aware that any implied threats of harm or personal insults within this book are intended solely for humorous or comedic purposes. These statements are made in jest and should not be taken seriously or interpreted as genuine threats or personal attacks. Including such language or content is intended to create comedic effects, satirical commentary, or develop characters within the narrative. Understanding that these elements are not meant to promote or encourage actual harm, violence, or offensive behavior is essential.

9. Please be advised that the following writings are derived from the recollections of an individual. This book reflects their personal reality to the best of their recollection, and although it aims to be accurate, it may not necessarily be entirely grounded in factual evidence. It is essential to recognize that the perception of dates, timeframes, and overall details may have been subjectively altered in this person's understanding of reality.

10. Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

This content disclaimer aims to inform readers about the nature of the book's content. It allows the ability to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue reading this book. It is important to note that the inclusion of the above content does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or endorsement of the author or publisher.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My heartfelt gratitude goes to the following individuals and others who have inspired me to write this book:

My Children: Ivy, Mary, and Dave: Thank you for being my source of motivation and reminding me there’s a reason to have a tomorrow, even when I didn’t think I deserved one.

To (insert missing name): Thank you for bringing me to this. Even though I know you hate long texts. Is this okay? I hope this book captures the proper essence of our brief weekend together, as it was… truly beautiful.

Dana: You always gave me unwavering support and encouragement, on the boat, over email, and text. It helped me to write a much better book than I ever thought possible. I am forever grateful. You are also the one who pointed out that I used fuck too many times (I removed 300 of them just for you).

Debbie: Thank you for your support and for spending countless hours listening to me talk about the girl. May all your days be spent on a boat… dotting away on the canvas.

Natasha: Thank you so much for your incredible generosity. Without your last minute willingness to join us, there would be no book. Your kindness has made a profound impact and will never be forgotten.

Sydney, Australia: Where are you hiding all the freaking koalas? Thank you for inspiring me with your beauty and charm. I will forever cherish the memories of our time together.

Lego: Thank you for Lenny Blocky, set number 5004932. He was an excellent traveling companion and helped me to see the world through new eyes. Lego has always been part of my life, and I look forward to many more adventures.

Avalanche Outdoor Supply Company: Your pullover makes me feel like I am back in Australia. Please, add pockets to your pullovers.

Carnival Cruise Lines: I have had some great memories aboard your boats, and even though I often joke about how crappy some are, they are perfect for each of those times. Send me better deals, though, so I can return on more. A book signing cruise out of Sydney?

My workmates: Thank you for your continued support and for listening to me talk about this book a million times. Your encouragement has helped me to see it through to the end.

My work boss: Thank you for letting me cry on your virtual shoulder when I needed it the most. Your kindness and empathy will never be forgotten.

The replacements mentioned within, except for three: Thank you for being a muse, an inspiration, a lover, and whatever I needed during your moment. I am genuinely sorry for those I have hurt along the way. For those who have hurt me, I forgive you. I look forward to the friendship requests on Facebook or whatever my PR person sets up.

The friendships I have lost along the way: It was never you. It was always me that faded into the background. In my head, I intentionally let go before you could have a chance to leave. It wasn’t fair to any of you, especially to Erik, Michael and Jay, and the last three in Florida. I am truly sorry.

Mr. McCarty, my high school English teacher: Even though you flunked me in Freshman English three years in a row, you saw the potential in my words and allowed them to come out on paper. I will always be thankful for your guidance and inspiration.

My hometown growing up: Although I have bitter memories of our time together, I appreciate some of the moments I had there. Thank you… but fuck you.

Introduction

My words are poetic, with my internal voice stepping in. Due to the way my thoughts and process work, this book will contain things that may be considered incorrect grammar. And not to mention punctuation errors. When it comes to the poems that are included… as my high school English teacher once said, Who cares about rules? A poem is a poem. Write how you want to write. However, I will still take points off.

​If you are reading this on some sort of e-reader thingy, the poems won’t show their correct formatting. Everything will look all straight lined up without the proper indentations on the ones that have it. I tried to do my best with structuring them to still play out in reading.

✽✽✽

Before I dive in, to whatever the hell just happened, I have to show where I was before I got here. I was at my end. I was spent, and life had become a haze of just getting by. For the last couple of years, I sat by myself. The days passed, and the days hardly changed. I grew old and comfortable in the nothingness. I gave up writing because the words didn’t heal. I just gave up.

I lost hope. I lost all the pieces of who I thought I would be. My monologue became stale with the same thoughts. Every day was just a rerun of the day before. Groundhog Day19 without any character growth. The Second Ex-Wife ate away at my brain.

While the story will unfold to give its details, it is crucial to see how screwed up I was going into whatever the hell just happened. Here is the last thing I wrote before I opened my eyes again years later…

This is Me Now

I hate myself

The person in my head

the choices he makes

The faded dreams

that will never be real

Pissing this life away

into the nothing it's become

I hate myself

Always thinking

I was something other than this

Loving you while you love him

Breaking… breaking… breaking

I hate myself

I just wanted to be

someone other than me

Constantly fucking up

never happy and content

THESE THOUGHTS HURT

they don't go away

I hate myself

Lost childhood

faded memories

Not being able to stop

not being able to begin

Breaking… breaking…

already BROKEN

WHY CAN'T I JUST

FUCKING HATE YOU

WHY CAN'T I PULL

THE TRIGGER

WHY CAN'T I STOP

THE SPINNING

WHY CAN'T I MAN UP

AND GRAB A KNIFE

FROM THE KITCHEN

AND START SLICING

OUT WHAT HURTS

why don't these drugs

work to numb the pain???

I hate myself

More than the lies

that cross your lips

It wasn't supposed to be this way

This tunnel vision

makes me blind

I hate myself

EVERY SINGLE DAY

THAT I AM AWAKE

I should have been

better than this

Nothing else but regret

I WAS GOING TO

BE GREAT

I WAS GOING TO

BE SPECIAL

I WAS GOING TO BE…

someone that you loved

I wanted you

to be proud of me

But I couldn't

get out of my own way

I wanted you

to make me want

to be a better man

I wanted you to heal me

and none of that was fair

I hate myself

I couldn’t change

the voices in my head

I wish you could hear

the things they say

You never understood

how fucked up I am

I hate myself

It's not my fault

that I did this to me

Thinking that I was different

The distraction of being me

in the sea of myself

WHY CAN'T I JUST

Just…

just be someone

that isn't broken

I hate myself

I should have never

thought of you as the cure

I should have never

followed you home

I should have never

petted your cat

I should have never

crawled into your used bed

that you had just shared

with another

I hate myself

Pretending…

pretending…

many days spent

pretending

Disappointed once again

in the person I call me

I have no clue

where to go from here

I am stuck in

a memory of you

that I don't even know

if it was real

I hate myself

Why can't I just let go…

STOP HOLDING ON

to whatever it is

that I thought you were

because you weren't

All that I have forgotten

and all I remember wrong

I hate myself

BECAUSE I COULDN'T…

because I couldn't

I thought I tried

Because…

BECAUSE I COULDN'T

I COULDN'T

MAKE YOU LOVE ME

I COULDN'T

MAKE YOU LOVE ME

Not the way

I thought I loved you

I hate myself

Maybe you did love me…

I don't remember it

One time I think I felt it

And even with that

I am sure I am wrong

I hate myself

One more night alone

in this head

You didn't deserve

the person I am

I hate myself

The blame is mine to own

But you already knew that

I hate myself

I always have

I DON'T THINK THAT

THAT…

that I ever…

ever

I don't think that

I ever really loved you

I didn't know how to love you

I just loved the idea of you

The YOU that lived in my head

I don't think I know what love is

I can't…

I just can't…

I can't love when…

When all I know is…

I hate myself

After writing that last line, I hate myself, I withdrew from life. I did not want to say anymore. I wanted my voice to end there. I wanted it to all end there. I was a step away from bathing with a toaster.

It was almost a year before I took a breath and another year before I walked on my own.

All these moments that are about to come out are genuine, with minimal exaggeration. I tried to keep it pure to the moments as they played out. Some of the timelines are mixed up, but all of this happened at some point.

I did not expect to end up in this. I did not go looking for this. It smashed me first, and I was nothing but helpless. But shit, here I am.

✽✽✽

I can do this!

It's time to write that book. I am free for the next nine days.

Here we go… you can do it! I'm on a plane…

DAY ONE, WE LAND

Finally, after twenty-some-odd hours, Mary and I arrive in Sydney, Australia. This is the first time in her twenty-three years that it has been just the two of us out on a real adventure. After years of a crappy father-daughter relationship. Her heartbreak. We have slowly started to turn things around. We're still building, still under construction, but here we are in mother fucking Australia!

We have just two days here in Sydney before our nine-day cruise. We have yet to make plans or have directions to what we will do for these two days about to develop before us. 

The Sydney Airport is extremely busy. So many people. Mary insists she needs a shower before we can leave the airport and heads off to find one. I never knew you could take a shower at the airport. I spend the time catching up on my vape in the warm glow of an 80-degree day. This is much better than the snow we saw in Indiana two days ago.

I am still determining where we will stay for the night. Every hotel seems so freaking expensive, or the cheaper ones seem to be in an area as sketchy as Washington Street in Indianapolis. 

What the hell is taken her so long? I am dying of thirst. I am stuck with watching all the bags. It's impossible to grab a drink. Great. Now, I want an actual drink. It's been two years, seven months, and one day since my last drink. Scarcely a day of that where I didn't want a drink.

✽✽✽

Drinking made living easy. I have been a social drinker. I have been a binge drinker. I have been a closet drinker. I have been a depressed drinker. I have been the life of the party drinker. I have been a drinker and a drunk. Today, I am sober.

Before The Second Ex-Wife, I was in the middle of my second sobriety run. I was about one year sober and two years from my last binge. It took me two months with her before I drank again. It started slowly, as it always does—an occasional drink at dinner, a