GASLIGHTING: Understanding and Overcoming Gaslighting in Relationships and Beyond (2023 Guide for Beginners)

By Justine Hoyles

Discover how gaslighting operates and learn to recognize the signs before it takes a toll on your well-being. Explore the intricate dynamics of gaslighting and gain clarity on its devastating effects on mental health and self-esteem. Unmask the manipulative tactics used by gaslighters and acquir

• Language: English
• Publisher: Justine Hoyles
• Release date: Jun 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9783988313829

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

U

nderstanding gaslighting is one of the most difficult challenges victims—and mankind in general—face; and the reason for this a concern since gaslighting involves human emotions.

Gaslighting is a complicated form of abuse since it involves not only the words stated but also how those words are utilised to abuse the victim's perspective and emotions. Furthermore, many people struggle with personal perception and emotions; it is very uncommon for a person who has not experienced gaslighting to have doubts or confusion about their sentiments or knowledge of circumstances inside their own group. It takes talent, practice, and a lot of emotional and psychological know-how to be able to properly identify your own emotions, determine why they are occurring, and effectively convey all of that knowledge in an enlightening (rather than accusatory) manner to the person who has incited those feelings.

something that many of us want to achieve but have a long way to go, It is not to say that you should reject the feelings or questions you are having about your own situation.

Instead, accept the above comments as the beginnings of core knowledge. To properly discern if you are being gaslighted, you must be open to comprehending your sentiments, determining why you feel a specific way, and being willing to put that into retrospect.

Something you will have to accept in order to move forward is that fighting, understanding, and avoiding gaslighting will be a long stretch of your mental health journey; and while this book will assist you in beginning that journey, it will be much longer than simply finishing the book and mentally being aware of what it brings up. It will be necessary for you to hold yourself and others accountable for how you intend to actively cure yourself. But don't worry; this book will provide you with essential instructions on how to become more active in your healing and how to identify individuals who can assist you. Before we go into the specifics of how gaslighting works, there are a few terms you should be familiar with.

Terms

You may come across terms that you are unfamiliar with in the examples provided throughout this book, so they will be explained now.

The Banners

Remember when you were a kid and there was a game called green flag, yellow flag, red flag? Perhaps not, as it could be a specialised childhood game. Whether or not you remember it, the terms green flag, yellow flag, and red flag can also refer to emotional responses within yourself to the world around you, like traffic lights.

Red Banners

Red flags, like red lights, are a major issue when you must stop. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, or even your relationship with yourself, a red flag indicates that something is wrong and needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Physical abuse is a prime example. If you or someone you know is being abused, there is no time to waste—you must make a plan and either seek or provide assistance to the person you know Some of you may be wondering, If this book is about gaslighting, how did we get to physical abuse? To begin with, there isn't always as much of a difference between the two as many people believe. The two could be next-door neighbours, but that is a case-by-case scenario that you and your loved ones should closely monitor. Second, everyone in society, except for the abuser and their cohorts, will agree that physical abuse is inherently wrong. Red flags are the most common example of this.

Yellow Flags

Yellow flags, like yellow lights, are where things get complicated. Some see these actions as red flags, while others see them as the grey area of relationships. When it comes to yellow flags, the final decision is up to you and how you want the relationship or scenario to proceed. For example, in a typical dating relationship, if two young adults (before their thirties) start dating, there are numerous social and cultural red flags, such as drinking, friend groups, living situations, ownership of transportation, jobs, and so on. In these situations, it is up to the couple, or one person in the couple, to decide what they can live with for the time being and what is a dealbreaker—which often happens over time.

The complication of yellow flags becomes twofold. For starters, they are based on a person's character, their specific relationship with someone else, and their desires or goals for that relationship, all of which are relatively fluid concepts depending on the other person, the time in everyone’s life, and their respective goals and how they fit into each other, if at all. Second, yellow flags tend to disappear over time. Many yellow flag problems are things that aren't completely actionable right away.

For example, suppose your friend got a new job that they really wanted, but they didn't like a particular co-worker because their personalities just didn't mesh (this co-worker was not toxic, lazy, or incompetent—in fact, aside from the personality differences, the two were becoming a dynamic duo at work). Would you encourage your friend to give up smoking? Probably not. Instead, most people would advise that friend to find a middle ground or to get to know that person better. In this scenario, while the two may never become best friends, their working relationship will likely improve and increase productivity (but keep in mind that this is not always the case and is highly dependent on a variety of external conditions).

The problem with yellow flags is that they often take time to solve, which means they are one of the main ways a gaslighter could get into someone's life. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, so it involves emotions and how people feel about them. As we've already said, emotions and how people feel about them are a mental minefield on a good day, so it's hard to know exactly what a gaslighter is like without a lot of personal intuition or training.

Letting a gaslighter into your life does not imply that you are naive, weak, or anything of the sort. It simply means that they were too cunning for you to notice, you were too kind and lenient for too long, or your gut instincts of something is wrong were not strong enough to drive you to leave sooner. What is important is that you are seeking assistance right now

Returning to the yellow flags, not every yellow flag indicates that the person is a gaslighter. But this does not rule out the possibility that the yellow flags you see in your life are a sort of gaslighting. See how tricky it is

Green Flags

Green flags, for the most part, do not require interpretation. These are things in your relationship that you are completely against. Open and honest communication, a willingness to accept responsibility for their actions, keeping promises—whatever these things are, they are most likely the reason you are in that relationship.

Small Note

It's worth noting that many partnerships feature a smattering of yellow and green flags. That is, in fact, entirely normal. It is even OK to admit that a gaslighter has some red flags. Many gaslighters are inadvertent gaslighters, having learned it from a systemic source, such as their own families. But it doesn't mean they can keep being gaslighters or gaslight their spouses, friends, or loved ones. It is okay to appreciate the good when figuring out your own emotions and relationships, even if it is only 2% of the total. The problem comes when you let that small amount of good keep you in a situation that is mostly bad or harmful.

Safe People

Safe people are persons in your life with whom you can be entirely honest and who will not condemn you or make you feel bad about your sentiments. Furthermore, these people have never made you doubt their respect for you, nor have they ever made you doubt the authenticity of their care and guidance. These people can take numerous forms: they could be your parents, mentors, or someone you just met. These folks, however, you discover them, are most likely the ones who have been gently nudging you to consider the connections in your life that have you wondering whether or not gaslighting is taking place.

It should be recognized, however, that our security personnel, like the rest of us, are human, which means they will make mistakes and should be