If You Want Them to Listen, Talk Their Language

By Andrea Naef

Every conversation ignites change - make it a positive and conscious one. In order to be an effective leader, team member, parent or partner, it is crucial to go beyond simply being heard and instead motivate others to truly listen and understand. It is important to recognise that each individual is unique, with their own motivations, needs, and triggers for conflict. Therefore, it is essential to tailor your communication to each person in order to avoid miscommunication, mismanagement, and conflict.

 

This book not only introduces the concepts of the Process Communication Model® but also provides practical examples of how to apply them. By developing the skills to observe and interpret behaviours, you will be able to establish and maintain relationships based on constructive communication.

 

The Process Communication Model (PCM) is widely embraced by esteemed organisations such as NASA, Pixar Animation Studios, BMW, and healthcare professionals worldwide.

 

Within the pages of this book, we demystify the complexities of PCM, making it accessible to everyone. By delving deep into this behavioural communication model, you will acquire the ability to assess, connect, motivate, and resolve conflicts by understanding the diverse personality types that make up a person's complete self.

 

PCM serves as a transformative journey, unlocking the potential of personality diversity and fostering self-awareness and self-improvement.

 

Whether you are an emerging leader, senior executive, healthcare professional, or simply someone interested in enhancing self-awareness and relationships, this book offers valuable insights on reconciling individual and collective concerns in your specific role. It empowers you to build authentic, trustworthy, agile, and positively influential relationships.

 

Join the ranks of organisations like NASA, Pixar Animation Studios, BMW, and numerous healthcare providers who have harnessed the power of PCM to forge stronger connections. Now, you too can unlock its benefits. This book will guide you in making communication a catalyst for true transformation, where meaningful relationships become the pathway to unlocking endless possibilities and potential.

• Language: English
• Publisher: KCO Group Ltd
• Release date: May 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9780473197896

Book preview

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Elisabeth Feuersenger and Andrea Naef

If you want them to listen, talk their language

2nd Edition, August 2015

Copyright © 2011 KCO Group Ltd

1st Edition, November 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Copyright holders.

Teaching or training of the material contained in this book requires certification by Kahler Communications Oceania Ltd.

Original edition (German)

Titel: ,Prozesskommunikation - Der Schlussel für konstruktive Kommunikation’

Veröffentlicht in der Bundesrepublik Deutschland durch Kahler Communication - KCG, Andreas-Schmidtner-StraBe 46 b, D-82362 Weilheim in 08, 2003

© Kahler Communication - KCG and TKA, www.kcg-pcm.de

Distributed by:

Kahler Communications Oceania

[e-mail]

www.kahleroceania.com / www.kahlercom.com.au

ISBN: 978-0-473-19789-6

Printed in New Zealand

The Process Communication Model® (PCM) is the discovery and creation of Dr. Taibi Kahler and the copyrights, trademarks and other intellectual property underlying PCM are the exclusive property of Dr Kahler’s company, Kahler Communications, Inc. (KCI).

In the more than 30 years that Dr Kahler has developed, researched, taught and written about PCM, he has come up with the clearest and most effective words, phrases, graphs, images and other expressions that can be used to describe and explain the model. While much of this book is an original work, the authors have, with Dr Kahler’s and KCI’s express consent and license, used KCI’s copyrighted material throughout. To specifically identify within the text each and every time this occurs would be extraordinarily cumbersome and adversely impact the reader. 

Therefore, please be aware that the authors make no claim of originality or ownership to the portions of this book that describe the elements of PCM and their application and are grateful to Dr Kahler for his assistance and willingness to let us include his work within our own.

Elisabeth Feuersenger

Elisabeth Feuersenger trained as a teacher after attending a German academic secondary school. On the side she took acting classes following the Stanislavski method with an American theatre group in Munich.

In 1969 she followed the ‘Players’ Workshop’ to New York and passionately continued acting Off Broadway until 1972.

Returning to Germany, she qualified to teach in both primary and secondary schools.

After marrying in 1975, she had her first daughter in 1978 and left teaching in 1980 after her second and third children (twins) were born.

Elisabeth started training in Transactional Analysis in 1985 and has been a counsellor since 1990 and taught psychology in a training centre for homeopaths.

She has translated a number of books and articles on psychology from English into German.

In 1997, she started translating Taibi Kahler’s training material into German. She became a certified PCM trainer in 2000.

Elisabeth passed unexpectedly in June 2011.

Andrea Naef

Born in Switzerland, Andrea followed an academic path that took her through the department of bio-mathematical psychology at Zurich University to an MSc in psychology (plus computer science and neuropsychology).

Joining Swissair in Zurich in 1999, she worked in the flight training department as a psychologist. In early 2001 she was appointed Deputy GM Human Factors Training. In the same year she also became a certified PCM trainer.

Following the collapse of Swissair in 2001, Andrea founded Gemako Ltd together with her husband Werner. They specialised in consulting, coaching and training in aviation, railways, medicine and management.

In 2003 they moved to New Zealand and started a business in Australasia focussing on leadership training, team development, stress management and self-management.

Three years later they became certified PCM Master Trainers and the exclusive licensor for this method in Australia and New Zealand. Andrea’s role within KCO is focusing on the development and management of new products, research, liaison with the US-based licensor and licensees, PCM certification examination and, last but not least, running the business.

Content

Foreword by Dr Taibi Kahler

Foreword by Elisabeth Feuersenger

Preface – What this book is all about

1 . Background and History

2. The Six Personality Types

2.1 Six personality types

2.1.1 Thinker

2.1.2. Persister

2.1.3 Harmoniser

2.1.4 Imaginer

2.1.5 Rebel

2.1.6 Promoter

2.2 The characters

2.2.1. Thomas Taylor

2.2.2. Helen Taylor

2.2.3. Henry Harding

2.2.4. Paul Pearce

2.2.5. Irwin Ingram

2.2.6. Reby Reed

2.2.7. Pania Patel

2.3. Almost a true story

3. The Six Perceptions

3.1 Thoughts (logic)

3.2. Opinions (values)

3.3. Emotions (compassion)

3.4. Inactions/Reflections (Imagination)

3.5. Reactions (humour)

3.6. Actions (charm)

3.7. Perception and language

4. Personality Structure (Personality Building)

5. The Personality Parts

5.1. The Protector

5.2. The Director

5.3. The Computer

5.4. The Comforter

5.5. The Emoter

5.6. Thomas Taylor trains his Comforter

5.7. Paul Pearce trains his Emoter

5.8. Pania Patel trains her Computer

5.9 Henry Harding trains his Director

6. Communication

6.1. Communication channels

6.2. Personality parts and communication channels

6.3. Channels of communication

6.3.1. Interventive channel

6.3.2. Directive channel

6.3.3. Requestive channel

6.3.4. Nurturative channel

6.3.5. Emotive channel

6.4. The rule of communication

7. Interaction Styles

7.1. Autocratic interaction style

7.2. Democratic interaction style

7.3. Benevolent interaction style

7.4. Laissez-faire interaction style

7.5. Individualised interaction style

7.6. Thomas Taylor individualises his interaction style

8. Environmental Preferences

9. Psychological Needs

9.1. What we all need

9.2. Different psychological needs

9.2.1. Recognition of person and comfort for the senses

9.2.2. Incidence (Action)

9.2.3. Solitude (Direction)

9.2.4. Recognition of work and time structure

9.2.5. Recognition of work and convictions

9.2.6. (Playful) Contact

10. Distress Patterns

10.1. Distress

10.2. Distress behaviour

10.2.1. Drivers (First degree distress)

10.3. Mask behaviour (Second degree distress)

10.3.1. The payoff (Third degree distress)

11. Interventions

11.1. Reby Reed in Distress – Thomas intervenes

11.2. Paul Pearce in Distress – a mechanic intervenes

11.3. Irwin Ingram in Distress – Reby intervenes

11.4. Helen Taylor in Distress – Thomas intervenes

11.5. Grandpa Pete in Distress – Helen intervenes

11.6. Thomas Taylor in Distress – his coach intervenes

12. Phasing

12.1. Phase issues

12.2. Still the same, yet quite different

12.3. Examples of Phasing

12.3.1. Thomas Taylor phases (Thinker – Persister)

12.3.2. Henry Harding phases (Harmoniser – Persister)

12.3.3. Pania Patel phases (Promoter – Thinker)

13. Tips

13.1. PCM principles

13.1.1. Assessment of Base and Phase

13.1.2. Needs

13.1.3. Distress

13.2. Practice

13.3. What’s next?

Thanks – a conversation between Andrea and Elisabeth

Tables

Table 1: The six personality types

Table 2a: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Perception

Table 2b: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Strongest personality part

Table 2c: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Preferred communication channel

Table 2d: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Preferred interaction style

Table 2e: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Preferred social environment

Table 2f: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Psychological needs

Table 2g: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Distress patterns

Table 2h: Specific characteristics of each personality type – Phase issue

Table 3: Interventions for a Rebel in distress

Table 4: Interventions for a Persister in distress

Table 5: Interventions for an Imaginer in distress

Table 6: Interventions for a Harmoniser in distress

Table 7: Interventions for a Promoter in distress

Table 8: Interventions for a Thinker in distress

Figures

Figure 1: Example 1 of a personality building

Figure 2: Example 2 of a personality building

Figure 3: Example 3 of a personality building

Figure 4: Example 4 of a personality building (person A)

Figure 5: Example 5 of a personality building (person B)

Figure 6: Percentage of the six base personality types in the United States population

Figure 7: The three degrees of distress

Figure 8: Change of the positive position in distress

Figure 9: Personality building of a Base Thinker in Rebel Phase

Figure 10: Personality building of a Base Rebel in Thinker Phase

Figure 11: Assessing matrix

Foreword by Dr Taibi Kahler

Elisabeth and Andrea have taken my Process Communication Model and brought it alive with everyday, understandable, application examples. Their clarity of writing invites the reader to feel as if he or she were reading about their very own neighbours, or perhaps even themselves.

The characters are real with consistency of language and behaviour, from their inner thoughts, emotions, likes/dislikes, opinions, actions or inactions, to their predictable interactions and behaviours. The Thinker, whose reality is defined by logic: If everyone would just think clearly, we wouldn’t have as many problems; the Harmoniser, whose reality is relationships and caring about others: If we all just got along person to person, the world would be a better place; the Rebel, whose reality is reacting to most any situation: If we all just chilled out and had some fun, the world would be less of an uptight mess; the Persister, whose reality is values and beliefs: Morals, loyalty, commitments, dedication, respect, perseverance, missions… these are the building blocks that can cement our future; the Promoter, whose reality is adapting to people and situations: Go for it…and if you can’t lead, get out of my way; and the Imaginer, whose reality is in a world of imagination: Some people say, ‘If this, then that’. I say, ‘What if….’.

The authors have shown how each of us is comprised of these six Personality Types, but with our own unique order, allowing for the complexity of human beings to be understood in profoundly simple ways. Daily home and work examples show the characters in remarkably recognisable scenarios. Elizabeth and Andrea let us eavesdrop on the lives of these characters, then explain why they are getting along when they do, and why they are having problems communicating when we see them upset with one another.

The model is so precise in describing behaviour that readers can identify in the dialogues the word for word sequences each Personality Type character uses in distress with the others.

And most importantly, Elizabeth and Andrea tell their readers not only why each Personality Type gets into a very predictable sequence of observable Three Degrees of Distress, but also tell us what we can do to keep ourselves out of the distress dance, and at the same time what we can say to invite the other person out of his or her distress. By understanding distressed behaviour, we can avoid getting ‘hooked’ into it, and even help others out of it, thus preserving the relationship with the real person ‘behind the mask’ – our colleague, our friend, our loved one…

Elizabeth and Andrea have written a wonderful PCM primer and novel, to be enjoyed by the casual reader

and the PCM scholar.

Taibi Kahler, PhD

Taibi Kahler’s succinct description of how each personality type sees the world.

Foreword by Elisabeth Feuersenger

PCM has been successfully applied in many different fields. I would like to share how significant PCM was for my own personal wellbeing. I will use a few technical terms that the book will explain. For a better understanding of my personality structure:

Promoter

Harmoniser

Thinker Phase

Persister

Rebel

Imaginer Base

As a Base Imaginer, I had a hard time accepting some of my character traits. I was a quiet and ‘good’ child, a follower and hanger-on. My sister Maxi, who was somewhat glamorous as a teenager, cast a big shadow over me, in which I could comfortably withdraw. For years I was never Elisabeth; I was Maxi’s little sister. I followed her wherever she went, waited for her initiative, was a pain in her neck and felt inadequate and out of place. My ability to imagine things and situations was so natural to me that I never dreamed of acknowledging it as something good. Surrounded by lively and outgoing people, I very often felt like a small, insignificant grey mouse. Understanding myself with PCM, I was able, for the first time in my life, to accept myself as a Imaginer. And for the first time in my life, I was able to explain and share with others that I need time to be alone.

After spending my childhood and teenage years meandering through life, I made an important decision, gave my life direction and phased to Rebel. Now I was fun-loving, creative and playful, and mingled easily. I needed to be with fun people and to play. I lived in the moment and ‘seized the day’ without worrying about growing up. I took acting classes and enjoyed expressing myself on the stage. The hippie era supplied me with all the justification I needed for my lack of planning and routine. When I was ten, my mother had become ill with multiple sclerosis. With my Imaginer distress pattern of passively waiting I had been a very poor nurse and phasing to Rebel I showed a distress pattern that caused my mother many worries. Since this disease progresses unpredictably and, in my perception, very gradually, I got used to it and in a passive, sometimes irresponsible way contributed to my mother’s suffering until the day she died. After my mother’s death I went to New York and joined an Off-Broadway theatre as an actress. One consequence of my easy-going lifestyle was my constant lack of money. But I still had to pay the rent and eat – and a job offer presented the chance to phase. The job was that of a housekeeper/nurse for a lady who, ironically, suffered from MS like my mother. When I took care of this lady I realised how neglectful I had been with my mother and felt truly sorry for all the things I had not done.

I phased to Persister.

Now my frame of reference was values and ethics. I was a very good nurse for this lady and at the same time started taking responsibility for my own life. I finally started growing up. I returned to Germany, became a teacher, married and had three children and took parental leave. I wanted to be a good teacher and a good mother, and after training in Transactional Analysis I wanted to be a good counsellor. My motivation was the goal of helping people. I was dedicated, conscientious and loyal and needed recognition for my beliefs. I spent about 30 years in my Persister Phase and felt pretty good about myself most of the time. Then a deep marital crisis shook me to the core. I showed Persister distress behaviour for a very long time, I ranted and raved; I preached and crusaded. For a short time I was even in third degree and considered suicide. All my energy went into defending against the fear that I might not be a good enough wife. Most of my preaching was about what a good wife, partner, mother and companion I had been. One day the struggle was over. I realised that of course there would always be many, many women who were prettier, nicer, sexier and younger than me. I also realised that our love was a mutual gift and not something either of us had a right to or could earn by good behaviour.

I phased to Thinker

How wonderful to wake up in the morning and be happy to be alive again. Now my first thought in bed every morning was: What am I going to do today? My daily satisfaction while I had my first cup of coffee was writing my checklist for the day, so that I could follow it and cross off the ‘dones’. All of a sudden I was organised, efficient, fast, tidy and task conscious. I enjoyed using every minute for work. At the same time I satisfied my rebel needs by multitasking and alternating between hard physical work and sitting at the computer writing or translating. My household was approaching perfection, everything had its place and time and I felt good about it. I even caught myself counting the slices when I cut a cucumber, and arranging objects on any surface in parallel or at right angles. I hardly recognised myself! In my Imaginer and Rebel Phases I had often wondered how all these hard-working people disciplined themselves to be so organised and how they structured their work and their time. Now I know that it is a need we Thinkers have to meet and that for us, wasting time takes a much greater effort than spending it working.

Phasing is painful and I hope I will never phase again. My Harmoniser floor is within easy reach and short excursions to my Promoter floor take some energy and reward me with excitement.

PCM helped me to accept myself as the person I am, helped me understand my needs and motivated me to meet them. PCM helped me understand my negative behaviours and the reasons behind them. It also helped me to forgive myself for what I did and didn’t do. It’s a great model!

Preface – What this book is all about

By Andrea Naef

Like so many others, I strive to live a happy and fulfilled life – and there are times when I think I’m doing quite a good job! And sometimes my days are filled with stressed-out clients, family members and friends who don’t understand or are demanding, money worries, job pressures, verbalised and non-verbalised expectations…

This book is going to give you valuable clues why living with and amongst other human beings is sometimes frustrating, and sometimes completely fulfilling. Once you know, it won’t be accidental anymore, and you will have much more influence over how things develop.

Life