Celebrate Every Life....Even Mine

By Nan Panman

"The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10, NIV).

As physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and neglected children by parents deeply involved in the occult, we had no idea our lives were any di

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Jul 26, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887389110

Nan Panman

The author was born and raised in San Diego, California, where she met and married her husband and adopted three children with special needs out of foster care. She majored in child development and has written curriculum materials for young children. Currently, she works as a Registered Behavioral Technician (RBT) teaching autistic children communication skills. She resides with her family in Branson, Missouri, where she enjoys playing the guitar and ukulele, writing, hiking, and sightseeing.

Book preview

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my amazingly understanding husband, the most Spirit-filled man I have ever known; my three beautiful children, who have endured their own struggles from conception; my siblings and fellow soldiers in battle; my dear friends and mentors Dan and Joy Straley; my beautiful friend, Barbara Webb, who never gives up on me; and all those struggling to find where God was during their trials.

Prologue

Dear reader,

Thank you for reading my personal story and testimony. I hope that no matter where you are, where you’ve been, or where you’re headed, the Lord Jesus Christ, whose love and mercy are beyond description, is not only the lover of your soul, as in the song titled Jesus, Lover of My Soul by Charles Wesley, but He is literally your greatest fan. I do not know that because I read it; I know that because, as an abused child of parents deeply involved in the occult, He came to me when I had no idea who He was. I know now that we live in the world where Lucifer and his demons were cast into, and when they are given authority in your life in any way, there will be abuse, torment, and all kinds of demonic strongholds, but Jesus hears you when you pray, no matter where you are.

If I were asked the two scriptures for my life, it would be Genesis 50:20 (NIV), You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives and John 10:10 (NIV), The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

You may find my story to be raw and unpolished, and that is my intent. I was not brought up in church, and I am not refined, but my heart is that whoever reads this will find that Jesus truly does seek out broken people with broken hearts; His love is beyond description. If He can come to an abused two-year-old whose own parents sought to destroy her, He will most definitely hear your prayers and show you His unending love beyond the misery this fallen world can ever penetrate.

In 2017 the Lord gave me an image of His heart for the unborn.

A perfectly formed baby in the womb, sleeping between Jesus’ cupped hands with the nail hole on the top of his hand exposed. The baby had a peaceful little smile on his face.

Around the image was the verse, I lay down and slept, I awoke; for The Lord sustained me (Psalm 3:5, NKJV). In my heart it meant no matter the consequences of conception, threat of abortion, deformities, drug exposure, or anything that may be a threat to that child being born, the Lord’s desire is to protect His creation. My belief is that He truly does celebrate every life, no matter how or when it was conceived.

A few months later, I got the copyright for the artwork of this image, but with all that was happening in my own family’s lives, including moving to the Midwest, I literally forgot about it.

In 2022 after I lost one of my favorite jobs as a registered behavioral technician doing applied behavioral analysis (teaching children who have autism basic communication skills) when I questioned management over not making payroll. From there I sank into a deep depression and shortly after was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder, due to childhood trauma.

At that point I knew it was time to finally be obedient to the Lord after being prompted several years ago to write my testimony.

It was also that time that He reminded me of my copyright and prompted me to form Celebrate Every Life LLC, creating pro-life jewelry and apparel. Something I literally know nothing about. Launching into the unknown is most definitely not in my nature.

My life’s philosophy had always been based on the principle of fight or flight, not exactly godly material. Recently I have been more flight than fight. I think it is because emotional and physical pain didn’t scare me that much, as they had been my way of life for so long. Maybe this is why the Lord can finally use me. I can finally walk away instead of waging war against what I perceive as an injustice done to me.

One day as I was crying out in prayer, I felt like He audibly said, If you aren’t afraid to go back and remember your life’s events, I will show you where I was. As the reader of this story, where the Lord was may not be apparent, but the very fact that I can retell my story proves that He was with me all along.

His plan was never to harm me, but because He was never allowed to be a part of our lives, just as He was taken out of our public schools, a whole other force took over.

So finally, here I am, going on a journey guided by Jesus, instead of me reliving it in fear, living it with the intent to solidify the fact that no matter what we think the future may hold, we really can fearlessly celebrate every life…even mine.

My prayer:

Father God, thank You for those who have chosen to read my testimony. Lord, I pray that throughout this story Your love will be apparent. Where the enemy meant harm, You used everything for Your good. In Jesus’ name, amen.

(The names have been changed to protect my family’s privacy.)

Foreword

I write this message to you knowing you will read some of your own story also. It will not be an easy read, but persevere and find the hope of Jesus in these pages.

Genesis chapter 50, verse 20 (NIV) reads, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. This story is of Joseph, whose brothers sold him into slavery and thought he was dead. God’s plan, though? It was truly amazing. Joseph not only lived through the abuse, but God orchestrated events to make him second only to the Pharaoh of Egypt. Joseph loved God and was obedient even in adversity. Those same brothers would one day need food, and Joseph would be God’s plan to provide food for them! They came face to face with Joseph, but instead of vengeance, he forgave them—and he fed them.

Forgiveness and mercy are the keys to our healing. Without them we are stuck in the cycle of the past. We withhold forgiveness but drink the poison. Pray as you read, and trust God to meet you where you are. He is our Waymaker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the Darkness.

I, too, was an abuse victim until I put all my pain and my abusers on the cross. Now I am a victor! Read and hear the victory in Nan’s story. Let it be the beginning of your healing too. God is ready to give healing for your victory.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace (Numbers 6:24–26, NIV).

—Joy Straley

Sunday School Teacher, Youth Leader, Worship Pastor,

Tres Dias Ministries, Church Welcomer, and Guardian

over a family victimized by abuse and healed by the

mighty power of a loving Father. God is good!

Preface

This is the heart of my testimony.

Psalm 71:15–24 (NIV):

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,

of your saving acts all day long—

though I know not how to relate them all.

I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;

I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.

Since my youth, God, you have taught me,

and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

Even when I am old and gray,

do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next generation,

your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,

you who have done great things.

Who is like you, God?

Though you have made me see troubles,

many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once more.

I will praise you with the harp

for your faithfulness, my God;

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

Holy One of Israel.

My lips will shout for joy

when I sing praise to you—

I whom you have delivered.

My tongue will tell of your righteous acts

all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me

have been put to shame and confusion.

Beginning of My Story

Celebrate Every Life…Even Mine

The Lord will put in your path those who are being sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. Sadly the demonic spirits assigned to them will not stop with one abuser, and most people, even clergy, will not get involved.

There is an epidemic of child abuse all over the world right now. Knowing the signs and seeking treatment will bring a renewed quality of life for the victims of abuse.

If there were scripture that could speak for me, it would be Ezekiel 22:30 (NIV):

I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one.

Chapter 1:

Crib Days (Birth to Three Years Old)

Proverbs 9:10 (NIV):

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of

wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is

understanding.

In formulating an organization system, I am telling my story chronologically. That way the reader may have an idea of my maturity level at that time. Here’s a brief rundown of my family and where we lived. I was born in San Diego, California, on the outskirts, where kids ride a school bus almost as long as they attend school.

We lived on what seemed like a 500-acre ranch but was probably more like an acre. We had several horses, a couple of sheep, two caged rhesus monkeys, a spider monkey, lots of dogs and