Raped But Not Forgotten

By Jessie Bailey

We all want to be loved, to be included, and to be safe. Often, life puts us in positions of deep pain, betrayal, and open vulnerability directly at the mercy of the cold, stiff, and unrelenting people with power. It is in these times that we have a choice--to lean into God or to grasp for worldly coping mechanisms to help us get through.

Raped but Not Forgotten shows us how God meets us in the secret places and ministers to us in our deep need. Through the eloquent exploration of her own personal story and the biblical stories of sexual abuse, Jessie calls us to a closer trusting in God. She gives us the precious ointment she has gleaned through her own trials to help others gain healing in theirs.

Jessie reminds us that, ultimately, it is our choice, but if we choose wisely, "in due season, we shall reap, if we faint not" (Galatians 6:9 KJV).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 13, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887931937

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Raped But Not Forgotten

Jessie Bailey

Copyright © 2023 Jessie Bailey

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2023

ISBN 979-8-88793-176-0 (pbk)

ISBN 979-8-88793-193-7 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

—Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV

Acknowledgment

Foreword

Chapter 1

Shattered to the Core

Chapter 2

Groping for Understanding

Chapter 3

Engulfed by Chaos in the Deafening Silence

Chapter 4

[T]o which of the saints wilt thou turn? —Job 5:1

Chapter 5

Breaking Mental Chains

Chapter 6

Face-to-Face with My Own Sin

Chapter 7

The Ointment Gleaned During This Pressing

Reference Section

Definitions

UPCI Position Papers

Scriptures

Appendix

What Do the Scriptures Say About Rape?

What Is Fornication?

Is Fornication Grounds for Divorce?

A Sexual Encounter in Line with Biblical Principles

Forgiveness

Resources

About the Author

1 All quoted Bible passages from this section are from the New King James Version.

Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

—Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV

Acknowledgment

Beyond all things, Jesus is my everything…period.

Second to him is my husband, Eddie. He has been used by God to heal the deep places in me… I was shocked when I found myself racing back to him seeking his covering of protection after a particularly damaging attempt to be loved on by my local church. I never knew a marriage could actually be what the Bible says it should be. I thought it was something we strived for but not really something attainable. I cannot say enough about how good this man is to me and how deeply God looked after all my details when putting us together. I am truly thankful.

This book is dedicated to my children: My Sunshine Adelinea, My Adventure August, and My Joy Levi. These three are the reason I have fought, the reason I had courage. They are the reason I didn't lose my fight with suicide and had strength to endure. So often our children save us instead of us saving them. This is a gift from God.

My deep thanks is extended to my mother, who was, and is, my constant sounding board and prayer partner. Her prayers and friendship have reached further than she realizes.

To my friends—Jessica, Erin, Cassie, Suzan, Vicki, and the late Roger Hicks—thank you; all have given me things that have been invaluable in this process without even realizing it.

Finally, to my pastor, Daryl Scott. The compassion that flowed from his eyes outside Denny's that day ministered to me more than words ever could. He simply shook my hand, no deep words…but the love of God poured from him. I am so thankful for his willingness to be sensitive to God and for following Him in the ministry of reconciliation. Truly, I have drank deeply from a well in the desert so many miles from my hometown. I am thankful that well was prepared for me long before I was sent into the wilderness.

God sees it all and walks ahead of us to prepare us a way where there seems to be no way.

I am simply just thankful!

Foreword

You hold in your hand the telling of a painful path, my agonizing journey.

Now this statement by itself is really a bit of an untruth…yes, it does contain the recount of some horrific valleys in my life, but in reality, this isn't the totality of this story. In truth, this book contains a fabulous testimony of a single man—a man who protected me at every turn, provided for me when I thought I was desolate, and lifted me when I had already lost hope. This man is Jesus. This is more his story than mine. It is a tapestry that he has woven with his own hands; every moment a delicate thread intentionally placed to portray his great love for the wounded.

Even though this book is my factual testimony, it is not my desire to bring strife and contention into any church body or individual home. My purpose for writing this book is to speak hope and healing into someone who may be suffering in silence, someone wondering where God is, in their situation. It is because of this intent that all the names of people and places have been changed. I am aware that because of the intimate and delicate nature of the subjects within this book, there will be passionate and staunch opinions and reactions. It is my sincerest prayer that you see Jesus's healing in my life and that you can, with assurance, lean on him for your own…and perhaps obtain compassion for those who may be in similar situations if you, yourself do not find yourself there.

I pray that as you read this, you gain strength for your own journey; that this book will be the vessel that carries a bit of healing ointment used by our Savior to bind up your wounds; that you, in turn, freely give what you have so freely received—the ministry of healing, restoration, and hope.

Chapter 1

Shattered to the Core

I have always known that I am the Lord's. He has constantly been there. No place in life have I felt him depart. Yes, at times he has been silent, and I haven't felt the goose bumps people often experience when the Holy Ghost moves. And yes, at times I have felt like my prayers are simply not being answered. But at no time have I felt God leave me. Sometimes I cannot see his hand, but I know without a doubt that my Jesus is always there, just a whisper away. As far back as I can remember, I have talked to God, praying about all kinds of things, and heard him talk to me. It has been a constant, beautiful relationship that I would not trade for anything. It is this prayer communication that has been a source of strength and reassurance over the years. Of all the prayers that I have prayed, there are two prayers that have been constantly offered from my heart to the Lord. First, that I will walk pleasing to him, so close to him that I could hear his heartbeat. And second, that I would gather as many souls as possible on my way to heaven. I thought my desire to have a deep closeness with the Lord would come through dedication and prayer, through living a life obedient to his Word and those that have the rule over me, and I have sought in my life to do just that—dedicate, pray, and obey.

Yes, in my wretched, sinful humanity, I have failed him over and over. And every time I fail, I cannot wrap my mind around why he would still accept me knowing how deeply unworthy I am of his mercy.

All that said, the why is simple: He loves me. I frequently doubt myself, but I don't doubt my Jesus. He is perfect, and all his ways are flawless.

In all his perfection, he never makes mistakes, never starts to walk with someone, then leaves them because he has changed his mind. It is because of his flawless perfection that I believed, as a small child, that if you loved God and served him with your whole heart, then your life would be played out according to God's perfect will.

And in God's perfect will, there are no mistakes.

My childhood thinking was flawed. I just believed that in God's perfection, he would not lead me into a place of intense pain. I failed to take into account, however, the Lord's words in Isaiah 55:8, [M]y thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

As a little girl, I dreamed of the future God had in store for me—the kind of wedding I would have, the husband I would marry, how many children God would give me…pretty normal for a young girl. I sat for hours thinking of the kind of wife and mom I would be, praying I would bring God glory, pleasing him being the best wife and mother I could be. I prayed for my husband, for protection and for God's hands to be over him. In my understanding, at least in my thoughts, I believed that if I prayed for my husband and I continued to serve God, then he would bring me someone that would cherish me, protect me, and be my covering. Never did I dream that God would allow me to walk through the nightmare that lay ahead of me.

The Lord speaks of his future plans for us as his children in Jeremiah 29:11 when he says, I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Sounds a bit like he is promising sunshine and roses…at least, it did to my immature mind so many years ago. But that is not the case. Scripture says to give you an expected end, and that God doesn't think toward you evil things. He desires good things for you. He is simply being a good Father and trying to reassure you, his child, that the bad things that happen in your life are not his intention for you. He doesn't plan evil for you, but because we live in a sinful world, with a sinful nature, evil things will happen. He just wants you to understand the evil things are not how he thinks toward you. Even when, in his sovereignty, he allows painful pruning in your life; it is always for your good. Never does he allow inflictions to come to destroy you, and when they do come, he uses them to refine you. When I reflect on that scripture, as an adult, I see the promise that through the journey of life, God will work all things together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

This promise is so beautiful to me. He never lies, and in his plan, he will take even the evil that comes and weave it into a stunning portrait of his love for us. In the end, we will turn to see the picture of a perfect savior, not by our merit or doings but solely by his. It is through this working that we will be conformed to the image of His son (Romans 8:29). It is a reflection of his holiness.

In the present, we live in an instant society—me first! I want it now! It is with all this subconscious influence that we read the promises of God. We process his truth filtered through the distorted lens of self. Then we are left bewildered when God's Word doesn't work the way we think it should. Things in God's perfect time never happen when we want them to and especially not how we want. We brush over the suffering in God's saints with the ill-conceived delusion that God wouldn't allow us to endure such things in our modern, well-learned world. That was ancient history after all. Those things happened to people who were not as educated and prosperous as we are. Really? How presumptuous and prideful are we as a whole? God's promises are truly wonderful. They truly are for us. These truths though do not override God's main agenda—the salvation of our souls. Above all, we must be saved. What is the condition of our soul? Above our material desires or our creature comforts, we must be completely his. When we go through difficulties, we must never forget that God sees it all, that he works for our good and that he is working to give us an expected end. Don't assume hard times in life mean that God has left or that he is displeased with you.

He is a good Father, who stated his intentions perfectly when he said, If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall our Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7:11).

We must not be impatient or jump to wrong conclusions when our promises don't come to pass when we think they should. Wait. Trust God. And Wait. He is faithful and will perform everything he has promised. At the time, when the promise comes to pass, it will be clear to us.

It was with these promises of peace and an expected end that I set out on my own at the naive age of eighteen. Just a few months after graduating high school, I met a hardworking man, Robert, just eight years older than me. I had only known him a few weeks when I asked the Lord if this was the man that I was to marry. I didn't get an immediate response, so I waited to hear. One evening, Robert had been drinking a lot, and we got into an argument. He ripped the phone off the wall in his anger and threw it across the room before storming out. I was quick to fall to my knees and talk to the Lord. In a flurry of tears, I asked him to make Robert come back and apologize as a sign that I was to marry him, and if he didn't come back and apologize, I would walk away from him knowing it wasn't God's will. That was a long night. The next morning, he came to me completely apologetic. I took his apology as my answer from God. This was the man God desired for my husband. Not too long after, we started planning the wedding. Over the eight months leading up to the marriage, there