Dad: 12 Questions Every Father Should Answer for His Adult Children

By Kevin Carroll

Inspirational San Francisco Bay Are psychotherapist Michael Ceely, LMFT recommended 12 questions fathers should always answer for their sons. When author Kevin Carroll's father passed away in 2008, there was much he still did not know about the man who, along with his mother, had raised him. In this book, the Author provides significant information about himself for his three sons. They have heard many of his stories before, but Carroll is grateful for the opportunity to take Ceely's advice and put his responses in writing for his sons. Perhaps what he shares here will be beneficial to others, as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: May 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9798765242117

Kevin Carroll

KEVIN CARROLL is a native of San Francisco. He is a graduate of both Santa Clara University and the University of San Francisco. He has lived in the Santa Clara Valley for more than fifty years. Carroll is the author of A Moment’s Pause for Gratitude (Balboa Press, 2017)

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Copyright © 2023 Kevin Carroll.

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ISBN: 979-8-7652-4210-0 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4211-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023908759

Balboa Press rev. date:   05/09/2023

Contents

Dedication

Introduction

1      Proud Moments

2      Career Choice

3      Influencers

4      About Dad

5      Life Lessons

6      Regrets

7      In the Eyes of My Father

8      Mistakes

9      Shaken to the Core

10    On Being a Dad

11    The Challenge of Fatherhood

12    One More Thing

Conclusion

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my three sons,

Tom, Steve, and Brendan

When a man marries and has children,

he never knows what they will be like.

Parenting requires a tremendous amount of

faith, hope, and love,

and, perhaps, a bit of Irish luck.

By the grace of God,

Kathy and I were blessed with three

amazing young men who call me

Dad.

I am grateful for all they have taught me

about life, love, forgiveness,

and being a father.

Introduction

"Of all the titles I’ve been privileged to have,

‘Dad’ has always been the best."

Ken Norton

In 1988, I picked up a copy of Samuel Osherson’s book, Finding Our Fathers: How a Man’s Life Is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father. I was 34-years-old at the time. My wife, Kathy, had recently given birth to the second of our three sons. After reading the book, I realized that there was much I did not know about my own father. Dad was 63-years-old at that time. He was already retired from the San Francisco Fire Department. One activity, in particular, which he enjoyed was walking in The City. It was not uncommon for my friends to tell me they saw my Dad walking along Sunset Boulevard, the Great Highway, or around Lake Merced. In an effort to get to know him better, I asked my Dad if he’d like to go for a walk in The City some day. Not surprisingly, he was happy to do so.

Dad and I had a pretty good relationship. Like any other father and son, we had experienced some difficult times, most notably during my high school years, but since moving out of my family home at the age of 18 to attend college in the South Bay, I had gotten along with him quite well. So my desire to walk and talk with him was not one of repairing a broken relationship. I simply wanted to get to know him better.

In preparation for our walk, I had jotted down a list of questions I wanted to ask him on a 3x5 index card. I hoped I would not need to refer to this little cheat sheet on our journey, but I wanted to be sure that I had a back-up, just in case my mind went blank while walking the streets of The City. Among other things, I wanted to ask about his childhood, his high school years, his relationship with his parents and siblings, his feelings about getting married to my Mom when he was only 23 and she only 19, his experience of being a father to four kids, and his most memorable experiences in the San Francisco Fire Department.

On the day of our walk, at my Dad’s recommendation, Mom dropped us off in the parking lot of the San Francisco Veteran’s Administration Medical Center on Clement Street. From there we joined the Land’s End Trail, following it to the Palace of the Legion of Honor, then down the hill past the 17th hole of Lincoln Park Golf Course, and into the Sea Cliff neighborhood. We continued along El Camino del Mar to where it entered the Presidio and changed names to Lincoln Boulevard. The hike up the hill to the Pacific Overlook was a test of wills. I’ll be honest. I was dying. Dad was in much better physical shape than I was when it came to walking hills. I wasn’t going to give any indication that I was struggling. I was determined to keep up with him. Only later did I learn that he wasn’t going to give any indication that he was struggling. He was determined to keep up with me!

We continued down the hill, under the Golden Gate Bridge, and through the eastern portion of the Presidio to where it led to the Palace of Fine Arts. All along the way, we talked, and talked, and talked. I don’t recall ever needing to pull out my 3x5 note card for discussion topics. We walked along the Marina Green, through Fort Mason, up the steps to Great Meadow Park, and down the walking path to Aquatic Park. We were on a roll.

After stopping to get a bite to eat for lunch at the Boudin Bakery on Pier 39, we continued walking along the Embarcadero to the foot of Market Street, where we stopped for ice cream in Justin Herman Plaza. By that time, we were both more than grateful to jump on the L streetcar and ride back to 38th & Taraval in the Sunset District. It had been a long walk, and an amazing adventure.

In his book, Finding Our Fathers, Osherson wrote, Most men know little of their father’s inner lives, what they thought and felt as men. This was precisely why I wanted to spend this time with Dad — to be a bit more intentional in getting to know him. Sadly, we never took the time to do this again.

In an article titled "Fathers and Sons: The Search for Reunion, author Zick Rubin wrote, An important theme for men at midlife, and their fathers, is the search for a closer connection after the distance that developed during adolescence and young adulthood." As I mentioned, Dad and I had our challenges in my younger years. While we enjoyed activities such as hitting golf balls at the Harding Park driving range, playing tennis at the courts on Sloat Boulevard, and attending an occasional San Francisco Giants or Oakland A’s baseball game, we occasionally locked horns as I did what I felt was necessary to seek the autonomy young males hope (and need) to achieve.

Author James Carroll (no relation) wrote, The curse of fatherhood is distance, and good fathers spend their lives trying to overcome it. Dad was a good father, but the distance was real. He worked 24-hour shifts at the fire station throughout my childhood, and spent countless off-duty hours sitting at the dining room table in our home with his