Canberra, Ho!

By Patrick McGowan

Arun, the Indian student, Suniti's travelling partner, and radiating his trademark permanent smile, raises his hand. They wait for him to speak. I would firstly like to ask you, Mr Bull Longmore, what you think leadership is and what skills you think a leader needs?

This is the story about seven flustered bushwalkers, trekking overland from Katoomba to Canberra, leaderless and lost, seven very different people united by the wish to just make it back home...alive.

It could also be read as a handbook on the distinctly Australian art of how we do politics, how we lead and manage as members of a group with a common goal. In fact, if this story became a movie, it could very easily become that movie which screens on the eve of every national election, just to give us some insight into how our leaders behave. And how they shouldn't behave!

CANBERRA, HO!: don's Party meets Deliverance meets All New Australian Outback Adventures!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Patrick McGowan
• Release date: Apr 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9780645405705

Patrick McGowan

I completed a Master of Creative Arts (Prose) at the University of Wollongong in 2011 and have been writing pretty much full time since then. Previously I have worked as metallurgist, health food retailer, government bureaucrat, diplomat and entrepreneur.While my work overseas for the Australian government took me on postings to many places including Europe, Asia and Africa, I like to write about the contemporary Australian experience. I began short story fiction writing in the nineties, had some short stories published, then put my writing on hold as I gave full attention to my diplomatic career.I'm a taiji health exercise enthusiast, an avid jade collector, and I'm also a keen follower of William Gass and his theory of sentence writing, that each sentence has a soul, and that all good literature comes from the well-constructed sentence.I live in Loftus, a suburb of Sydney, and am a member of the South Coast Writers Centre.

Book preview

Canberra, Ho!

a novella by Patrick McGowan

© copyright Patrick McGowan 2023

typeset by Patrick McGowan on Libre Office opensource software

Dedicated to Peter Carroll (1934-2022)

To Peter who did the walk from Katoomba to Mittagong numerous times and shared with me so many stories about the unique natural beauty of this part of the world as well as the very human foibles of some of his walking partners.

1

Tour guide, Barry Flack, in grubby khaki clobber, is sat back on his haunches as he mumbles to himself: before I could see but now I'm blind. Sheesh. That's not the way it goes! He's already said it about a dozen times. But repetition is not the best device to induce confidence in a team under these circumstances, a walk through dense bush that set out four days before. Repetition is more of a strategy for politicians who want to hide something, who don't want to budge from their talking points, not budge from their talking points.

His sudden loss of eyesight occurred a few hours out of the ghost town of Yerranderie, a former silver mine within what is now known as Yerranderie Regional Park which merges with the greater Blue Mountains National Park.

As Barry applies a damp cloth over his eyes, the team of six walkers crowd around him to ask the bleeding obvious questions: Are you okay? Can you see now? How can we help you?

Their body language speaks of tiredness, it's too mechanical, their words much the same, as if lifted from a soapie script in a way that gives the impression these walkers are far more concerned with their own welfare than that of their incapacitated leader.

If he can't see soon, we ought to turn back, proposes Doug, a softly spoken man, who joined the hike with his wife Daphne ostensibly for health reasons. Neither of them are seasoned bush walkers. Daphne nods in support. Doug searches the faces of the others for hints of agreement.

Barry, still crouched, with his eyes covered and his head down, speaks slowly. We can’t go back to where we came from. There’s too much uphill. It’d take almost twice as long as it took to get here.

What? Another six days! Suniti, the Indian lady, asks in a high-pitched voice.

Yep. At least, Barry says. Besides the fact of it being uphill, an injured member always slows a team down.

Bull Longmore, the businessman from the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, also on the hike for health reasons, more mental than physical, though he also admits the tour should be very helpful as a tax write-off, claps his hands together to get everybody’s attention. Excuse me everyone, I have something to say. Are you all listening? Everybody stop talking and listen to me.

Please, Doug says. The others wait in anticipation.

All this talk is getting us nowhere. The fact is that we need a new leader. At least until our august guide here regains his eyesight. But we have to act now, and right now the bugger is blind. I do consider myself to be the most fit person to lead this team.

Biggsie, Bull’s travelling friend, raises his right hand and nods his head in solemn agreement. Here, here, he says.

After an extended silence, Barry again speaks. I’m sorry but I am still the leader of this group and to think you can find your own way out of this place is suicidal.

The other five members of the group turn their gaze to Bull, back to Barry and again to Bull.

Bull’s face turns red. His upper and lower jaws grind as he struggles to control his voice. Let’s face it. This guy here can’t even help himself. How can he help us? We need a decent leader, one who can get the job done, and I’m ready to lead. I want you to know that I'm prepared to take on the task.

Arun, the Indian student, Suniti's travelling partner, and radiating his trademark permanent smile, raises his hand. They nod for him to speak. I would firstly like to ask you, Mr Bull Longmore, what you think leadership is and what skills you think a leader needs?

Bull scrapes the ground several times with his left foot, enough to stir mental images of a real bull readying to charge. This time he opens his mouth wide. He is uncomfortably loud. Listen, Arun, you runt, why don’t you stop your bullshit games. From what I have seen so far, the whole lot of you are too incompetent to roll down a hill. We need to be sensible! We need to get it right here. This isn't a time for political games.

Arun's smile remains unruffled. I’m sorry sir, but that was a serious question. How do I know that you won’t deliver us into a worse situation than Mr Barry Flack. After all, it was you who voted that we continue without a back-up guide.

Bull surveys the group as his jaws again grind. Now is the worst possible time for this imbecile to be spewing the crap that’s coming from his mouth. I say we resolve this right now.

Barry whispers into the ground. Arun's right, you know.

Daphne leans closer to Doug, though speaking loudly. The Indian chap's really giving that Bull what for, isn’t he!

Doug puts his finger up to Daphne's lips before he steps forward with a raised hand. He cuts Bull off before his next volley, aimed this time at Barry. I can’t stand all this politics. Why don’t we just organise a vote and get it over and done with that way?

As Bull goes to speak, Suniti cuts in. What do you mean get it over and done with? This is a very important matter. Since when do we just get important matters over and done with as quickly as possible?

Because it's a leadership problem that needs to be resolved and resolved fast! Doug answers.

Bull turns to Suniti. This leadership thing is hardly a concern of yours. You've done nothing to prove yourself a leader.

Suniti puts her hands on her hips. What do you know about me? You ape of a man, you brute, you poor excuse for civilisation! What do you know about me or anyone else in this team? You are totally self-obsessed and on top of that you would make the worst leader out of any of us!

Doug stares at Suniti, almost drooling, as she continues her tirade.

Daphne slaps him. Don't look at her like that! She may get the wrong idea.

Doug shakes his head a few times as he comes back to his senses. Okay, people, I believe we have a leadership challenge. This means a vote. How long do we need?

Barry lifts his head. I say we chill for a while, take a hard look at ourselves, except me of course, and vote. Let's say in one hour.

The team agrees.

Bull points to Barry as he again addresses the group. And remember it's about who can lead us out of this mess and get this blithering idiot some medical attention.

Suniti again speaks up. And it's about leading a team of people, real people whose lives are precious and who have feelings, people who must be respected.

Daphne speaks to Doug, again in a way all can hear. We'll have to vote someone in, though it's a pity we aren't voting them off. That would be a lot easier wouldn’t it? She smiles. Doug again puts his finger on her lips.

While other members of the party disperse, Doug and Daphne sit close to Barry. Suniti drags Arun away and can be seen talking animatedly to him in Hindi. Bull is closely followed by Biggsie as he paces up and down making a practice speech to Biggsie.

2

At the start of any tour, Barry Flack likes to arrive early, mooch around for a while alone, just be with himself and feel the earth beneath his feet as he breathes in the atmosphere of the new day. The new journey. It's how he charges his batteries with that unique substance called the Australia bush. He especially loves these hikes that start in the Blue Mountains.

Echo Point Lookout, straight down the road from Katoomba, has a large flat viewing area. It takes in views to the south and east and west. It's bound by a guard rail, and flanked by a tourist complex, toilets and a car and bus drop off point. Further past the entrance is a street with more shops and bus parking zones.

Alone at the lookout, gazing into the distance, into the endless blue haze, into the emerging light of the new day, Barry senses the immensity and power of nature as it fills this Australian day none have lived before. He is nourished by it. He becomes it.