Adopt Me

By Xing Xing Star

In "Adopt Me," the author takes readers on a journey of self-discovery and resilience. Born in China and adopted into an American family, the author navigates a life filled with hope, academic achievement, trauma, and addiction. From being emotionally and verbally abused by others to using drugs and alcohol to cope with her pain, the author candidly shares her struggles with addiction and trauma, including a horrific sexual assault. Through it all, the author's determination to confront her demons and seek inner peace shines through, offering a powerful message of hope and resilience to anyone who has experienced trauma and addiction. This engrossing memoir is a powerful reminder that confronting our demons and staying true to ourselves is the path to healing and wholeness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xing Xing Star
• Release date: Apr 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215650813

Book preview

ADOPT ME

ADOPT ME

Healing my childhood traumas

Xing Xing Star

Write My Wrongs Co, United States

www.writemywrongsediting.com

Copyright © 2023 Xing Xing Star

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without written permission from the author.

Contents

CHAPTER 1: Letter to Dad

CHAPTER 2: Emotions

CHAPTER 3: Adoption

CHAPTER 4: Control

CHAPTER 5: Escape

CHAPTER 6: What is Love?

CHAPTER 7: Words into Weapons

CHAPTER 8: Cause and Effect

CHAPTER 9: Weed Up

CHAPTER 10: What’s a Job?

CHAPTER 11: Falsehood

CHAPTER 12: Rape

CHAPTER 13: Masked Deception

CHAPTER 14: Where is Home?

CHAPTER 15: Sober Mind

CHAPTER 16: Why was I Adopted?

CHAPTER 17: My Insights

CHAPTER 1:

Letter to Dad

Closure

Divorce.

What it means to me.

What it means for everyone.

What it means for your children.

What it means for your children’s children.

What it means after you’re missed.

What it means after life goes on.

What it means to not see you grow up.

What it means to not have known you at all.

Dear Family,

What I thought was a happy family: a dad, a mom, a brother or two, a cat, a dog, and even me too.

You brought me in when I was six;

Who would have known the family would split?

By age ten is when it all hit.

I was heartbroken.

Over the course of those years,

Eight years of missing you, Dad.

I was lost, hurt, broken, confused, isolated, quiet, and

In the dark for many years.

No more tucking me in at bedtime.

No more I love you.

No more game nights with the family.

No more trips to upstate New York to ride our four-wheelers.

No more help with schoolwork.

No more second opinions from the other parent.

No more hugs and kisses.

No more seeing me grow up.

No more mention of your name brought up by others.

All of that gone.

Mom and Brother did not seem to care,

But they were too busy hurting others

That they missed the one person who really cared.

I never pretended that I never knew you.

I never talked bad things about you behind your back even to family members, who were just as confused as I was.

They never stopped to look and see

And ask me how I felt.

They never stopped to see

That who was really hurting was me.

If I could change anything, I would take back those eight years

We missed to be together.

Instead, I see the cowardice in Mom and Brother.

To this day, we do not speak, not even a hello.

I know it is sad but true.

That is why I ran away at age eighteen.

I was a loner,

But I knew in my heart there was a hole.

I realize by having found you again,

That hole was a missing father who I truly needed.

I cannot change what others do or say but only try to understand.

Missing you was like missing a piece of myself.

I will always cherish that family I once had

Because they were my only family since China.

I cannot take back time,

But I can choose to live it forward.

I love you, Dad.

I never stopped loving you.

You’re my only dad.

Merry Christmas, Dad, and to many more years together!

Sincerely,

Princess

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2018

Dad, may you be at peace and with heaven’s love in God’s arms.

I miss you.

2019

CHAPTER 2:

Emotions

My 2021 goals:

Believe in myself; I am in control of my life.

Be grateful for all that I have and achieve.

Trust in the universe.

Read more; be self-aware.

Build healthy relationships.

Eat healthy; be mindful.

Enjoy more hobbies.

Show compassion.

Value others; be kind and patient.

Give, appreciate, and listen.

Love myself, forgive my past, and learn from my mistakes.

Let go of hate, resentment, and toxic emotions.

Save my earnings.

Help others if I can.

Discover who I want to become.

CHAPTER 3:

Adoption

Fortune cookie: May your faith always exceed your fears—no price is too great to go through life afraid.[1]

This is a reminder for me to always be true to myself, no matter how hard life gets or what difficulties I may face in going after my dreams. To never regret my mistakes, which have led me to where I am today: alive. The present is here, and it is up to me to decide where I want to go thereafter.

I am like a tadpole among other tadpoles swimming through life trying to find my own purpose. Many times, I have gotten lost in the gigantic sea, swept away through life’s rough currents and undertow. I bruised, I scarred, and was even starved. Food was very scarce in the orphanage in China.

I had to sneak a piece of meat in my mouth to save under my pillow in fear of when I might eat again. I also snuck back inside the building to steal an orange on a different day. One of the China mamas, as I call them, caught me with the orange in my hand and told me to show her my palms. She then slapped me on both palms with a wooden ruler.

One night, when all the kids were together in one room with a television set, the China mamas told us to be quiet. Someone made a noise, and they demanded we all get up and line up in a single row. One of the China mamas twisted up a metal hanger and slapped it against each of our naked butts—hard. It sent each of us crying afterward. Years later, one of the girls told me she still has a scar on her butt cheek from that very scary night back when we all lived in the orphanage.

This was in the late 1990s. In1999, I got adopted by a couple from New Jersey in the United States of America.

Fortune cookie: Your future is whatever you make of it, so make it a good one.

My life was just beginning, and I didn’t know what was to come. I remember this gate that kept us orphans inside; we could not see what was beyond it or what fate life had planned for us lost children. I attempted to run away once, but some guy on a motorbike had stopped me and looked puzzled. He then returned me to the orphanage.

I reminded a China mama what she said to me at the top of the stairwell: If you leave, you’re not coming back.

I yelled back, Fine! I’m not coming back!

I was determined. I must have been five or six years old then.

Most of the orphans got adopted by families from across Canada and the United States. Some from Michigan, Arizona, North Dakota, New Jersey, Alaska, etc. The American families thought it was best to stay connected with each other, for the children’s sake. It kept us all close and connected over the years, even being from states apart. The parents would host reunions and find a central point for us all to meet. It was very honorable for the adults to do this for us children in the years we were growing up.

When I got to meet the other parents of other adoptees from the orphanage at the