Carnival Communications

By Mo

Enjoy hours of smiles and laughter with Carnival Communications, which is composed of more than one hundred short stories created solely for the purpose of entertainment, designed to deliver the biggest bang for your buck. Contained within the pages of this book are tales from circuses, courtrooms, crime scenes, and countless other scenarios. Characters in this book include gangsters, aliens, police, talking animals, knights in shining armor, and even zombies. No frown is safe when a copy of Carnival Communications is near. Never be a victim of boredom again. Carnival Communications is sure to give you hour after hour of gut-busting, side-splitting laughter. This book does not disappoint. These short stories are sure to delight. Carnival Communications is high-quality comedic gold. This book is all short stories, and all of them are designed to make you laugh. Reading one of the shorts can take as little as one minute. This book was made for anyone with a sense of humor. You deserve the satisfaction of being entertained. This could be your big chance, so don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You won't know until you read it. The material contained in this text is sure to brighten your day. Carnival Communications is absolutely hysterical. This book is your tropical island, luxury automobile, penthouse suite, secret underground lair, high-rise apartment, best friend's house, and private jet rolled into one. If you love to laugh, you will love this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Newman Springs Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Feb 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887630038

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Jelly Doughnut

Small Loss

Bear Able

Plant

Fan

Next

Trixie

Plunty

Button

Door 4

Dynamite

Bull's-Eye

Oak

Buckwheat

Money, Money

Tomato

X-Ray

Wick

BBQ

Mr. Mango

Job

Plague

DNC

New Car

Randal

Beginner

Beddie Bear

Rye

Neck

Rage

Moe

Gull

In the Club

Sound

Riptide

Oil Rig

Katana

Pyramid

Cake

Navy Stew

Bulk

Fin

Slipper

Squid

Vest

War

Pepper

Candy

Canada

Rug

Frank

Jungle

Bike

Pelican

Bus

Bunt

Melon

Tennis

Real

Wire

Blue

Pico de Gallo

Saturn

Brick

Hand

Weight

Bison

Unit

Go

Knife

Bloddo

Hedgehog

Laboratory

Falling

Mr. Bop

Munchkin

Very

Boolie

Hire

Fig

Bread

Dorothy

Trunk

Bingo

Flier

Mine

Moat

Dirt

Hi

Turf

Slump

Race

Bees

Spool

Freckles

Tread

Hexagon

Insured

Corn

Grumble

Hurry

Pistol

Gawk

Turf

Sign

Rattler

Yell

Dino

Diet

Deck

Safe

Chimpre

About the Author

cover.jpg

Carnival Communications

Mo

Copyright © 2023 Mo

All rights reserved

First Edition

NEWMAN SPRINGS PUBLISHING

320 Broad Street

Red Bank, NJ 07701

First originally published by Newman Springs Publishing 2023

ISBN 979-8-88763-002-1 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88763-003-8 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

All characters, businesses, and products mentioned in this novel are purely fictional and do not have any founding upon real people or real things. This novel has been produced for the sole purpose of entertainment. Please use Carnival Communications safely and responsibly.

Jelly Doughnut

Frank. Eric, get the raspberry!

Eric. Two raspberry jelly doughnuts. Good choice, Frank. Tastes delicious, I'm getting another. Do you want more?

Frank. I'm fine.

Eric. Wait a minute…there is a ring in this doughnut.

Frank. Let me see.

Eric. Looks like real gold. Let's steal it!

Pawn Broker. It's twenty-four-karat gold, all right. But I won't pay a penny for it. I got a gun!

Eric. Shit, Frank, run!

Frank. Fuck that, I got a knife.

Frank's last words.

Small Loss

Dale. Wow, Hal…a guppy.

Hal. I'd call it quite the catch. Oh god! It's biting my hand. I think it hit an artery. I'm bleeding and I think I'm going to vomit. Get the first aid kit.

Dale. It doesn't have any stitching equipment, so I'll use my shirt sleeve and put pressure on it. Just like in the movies.

Hal. I'm going to stomp that guppy right out of existence. Eye of the tiger! (Stomp.) Crap, I'm going overboard, I slipped on that damn guppy.

Dale. I see a shark! I'm going to use my pocketknife to gouge out its eyes. Stay calm. Hyaah!

Gorbo the Alien. So it was that on the planet Earth the death of an apex predator occurred at the hands, or rather fins, of a very simple, basic, low food-chain species known as the guppy. Any questions, Zorp students?

Zorp Adolescent. What is the failed apex predator referred to as?

Gorbo the Alien. It is called a beta.

Zorp Adolescent. Thank you, Professor Gorbo.

Bear Able

Barnaby. Barnaby here! It's a good day, found a buzz city, and a water food jumped right into my mouth. Life is good here at the forest. I have a bear family, but right now, I'm on an adventure. My gut tells me there is a cave just for me just ahead. I'm black and big, just like my dad. I have a sister, she is off finding out about bear culture at Brown Bear University, it's one of the most prestigious schools in the bear nation. Mom told me not to go too far, but I want a cave!

Tim. Hey, Jethro, you see that? Get the tranquillizer gun.

Jethro. Tim, that big bear is going to make us a small fortune.

(Poof.)

Barnaby. Motherfucker! What the fuck is that? Oh god, I feel dizzy.

The Ringmaster. Introducing Balthazar, the savage bear, taken deep from the Canadian wild. He weighs nearly five hundred pounds and has eaten nearly one hundred men! For your entertainment, we dressed him up like a clown.

Barnaby. Hold on! My name is Barnaby, and I never ate anybody. I'm not wild, I was in a good family and got good grades. I'm a model bear citizen!

Strongman. Hiya, whipcrack! Pull the clown chariot, Balthazar. Pull!

Barnaby. Bear up, Barnaby, bear up. This clown hat itches, and I think it's dirty. My sister never told me about any of this, she just said get plenty of honey and everybody will love you.

The Ringmaster. Balthazar! Pull the chariot! Whipcrack!

Audience. Boooo!

Barnaby. I don't think I can do this another minute. I can't stand it. I can't bear it

Plant

Derek. Bae, why you looking at that big old plastic palm tree?

Sarah. Well, bae, it's on sale.

Derek. You know we got denied at the bank for that loan, let's just get the rice and beans.

Sarah. Bae, you know our living room only has five plastic plants, we were just talking about how plain the living room looks. I want to feel like I'm in tropical paradise every day!

Derek. I don't think we can afford it, but I want you to be happy, my sweet Sarah.

Cashier. That will be $99.99. Oh, are you writing a check?

Sarah. You got a problem with that? Hussy.

Cashier. Listen, miss, we don't take checks.

Sarah. Fine, I'll use my card. And that is missus."

Cashier. Debit or credit?

Sarah. Credit.

Cashier. Your card was declined.

Derek. That can't be right, we have plenty. Run it again.

Cashier. Store policy states I can't swipe your card once it is declined. Do you have another way of paying?

Sarah. Yes, we do, hussy. Magic.

Cashier. I'm going to have to ask both of you to leave.

Sarah. Well, bae, let's go get beer and a lotto ticket at the gas station.

Derek. That sounds way better than rice and beans!

Sarah. Here goes everything! Seven. Seven! Seven! Holy shit, I just won $25,000!

Derek. You mean we?

Sarah. I mean I.

Derek. I paid for that ticket. Give me that! You need four sevens, bae.

Sarah. Crud, I'm pounding my feel good juice.

Derek. You tried to steal $25,000 from me!

Sarah. You are not my boss! I'll kick your ass!

Police. Hands where I can see them!

Fan

(Wrrr. Wrrr. Click. Click.)

Tyler. Shay, don't click your pen, I'm listening to the fan.

Shay. Well, I would like it if you didn't use your fan while I click my pen.

Tyler. The fan serves a purpose. Your clicking is useless.

Shay. Oh yeah, wise guy, I just read a book called 100 Ways to Stay Focused at Work. Guess what? Clicking a pen increases productivity and could give you a longer life. Your fan just wrrrs. Turn it off. (Click.)

Tyler. You keep that attitude up, and I'll tell the boss you still smoke cigarettes in the janitor closet.

Shay. I'm not a fan guy, you are not a click guy. Let's work things out. How about I click in the morning and you fan in the evening. Sound good?

Tyler. For fuck's sake, Shay, the sun is up in the morning, and that's when it is hottest. Plus, I got the dirt on you. Cough up the pen.

Shay. I need it to write.

Tyler. What a love letter, or maybe a grocery list. We're tech support. There isn't even paper in this room. Let me see it.

Shay. Oh yeah, here it is, right here. Look.

Tyler. Clever…the middle finger. Mr. Greyson!

Mr. Greyson. What, Tyler?

Tyler. Shay smokes cigarettes in the janitorial closet.

Shay. That's it! The only thing I'm going to do for the rest of the day is click my pen. (Click. Click. Click. Click.)

Mr. Greyson. Hey, janitor, check the closet. Let me know if it smells like cigarettes. (Ring.)

Mr. Greyson. Mr. Greyson, here…yes…yes…I see. Thank you, goodbye.

Tyler. Hear that, Shay. Hear that!

Shay. I'm going to break that damn fan.

Mr. Greyson. Shay, pack your things. I'm going to move you out of your apartment and into a condo. How's that sound?"

Shay. I deserve it, boss.

Mr. Greyson. A cardboard condo. Ha ha ha! Security!

Next

Al. It's hotter than a frying pan today. Good thing