When Hurting Turns to Anger: How Parents Can Help Their Kids

By Dr. Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Warning: If you are a parent who believes your kids need to be punished or feel natural consequences to become respectful and control their angry misbehavior, this book is not for you.

For the rest of us parents, who struggle daily with raising kids with anger challenges, When Hurting Turns to Anger: How Parents Can Help Their Kids is the book for you.

Dr. Nick Long (Anstine Templeton's mentor) taught his graduate students that forewarned is forearmed. That is what using the anger reducing techniques (ART) shared in When Hurting Turns to Anger does for parents-it forearms them from becoming reactive to their kids' anger.

What is ART? It is a seven-step process that helps kids talk about their anger and learn ways to handle strong emotions effectively before they reach the anger stage. The theory is kids can learn skills to handle their anger productively at home rather than becoming overwhelmed, losing control, and cycling into crises.

Using anger-reducing techniques, parents learn to:

control their own anger,

look beyond their kids' inappropriate behaviors,

calm out-of-control kids,

get kids to talk about their problems,

show kids how to create plans of success,

show kids how to make amends for misbehavior, and

hold kids accountable for following their success plans.

Internalizing the anger-reducing techniques, kids learn that:

kids have a right to feel respected within their family,

kids may not be disrespectful (hurtful) to other family members,

it's okay to feel angry,

it's not okay to act out anger inappropriately,

there are many ways to deal with anger productively,

parents can help kids to problem-solve,

it's a must to have a plan of success,

kids must make amends for any hurt they have caused, and

kids will be held responsible for following their success plans.

In an easy-to-learn process, Dr. Anstine Templeton shows how to master anger that frees parents to teach kids self-control, how to use anger effectively to succeed, and ways to make amends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098057367

Book preview

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When Hurting Turns to Anger

How Parents Can Help Their Kids

Dr. Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

ISBN 978-1-0980-5735-0 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-0980-5736-7 (digital)

Copyright © 2020 by Rosalyn Anstine Templeton, PhD

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Nicholas J. Long permitted by telephone to use his LSCI material. Adele Faber was asked to coauthor books that contained Drs. Long’s and Ginott’s theories. She declined but shared her faith in my ability to complete the task successfully. A diligent effort was made to give them and others credit for their work. Conscientiousness was used to determine if previously published material in this book required permission to reprint. Please accept apologies for any errors. Corrections will be made in future editions.

No part of this book is intended as medical advice for social, emotional, or medical problems. The author assumes no liability for your actions.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Who Is I?

Why a Book on Anger for Parents?

The Dynamics of Anger

Emotional First Aid at Home

Supporting Angry Kids

Angry Kids Talking

Helping Kids Understand Their Anger

Kids Solving Problems

Kids Developing Plans of Success

Kids Practicing Their Success Plans

Transitioning Kids Back into Family Activities

Putting It All Together

Works Cited

Index

Among the paradoxes of everyday life none is more surprising than our attitude toward anger. We have such a rich anger vocabulary. Yet we try so hard to suppress anger. By persistent mishandling, a perfectly natural emotion has been made to appear abnormal. Many parents consider anger immoral. From infancy on, they make children feel guilty for expressing anger. The children then grow up convinced that to be angry is to be bad.

—Haim G. Ginott, 1969

Anger-management training teaches us to express our anger in non-hurtful, assertive ways and not in aggressive or passive-aggressive ways. The goal is not to eliminate our anger but to manage it in a style that promotes interpersonal communication and respect. This level of anger management includes understanding the intention of our anger, viewing…[kid] anger in a nonpersonal manner, and developing a host of cognitive self-talk techniques.

—Nicholas J. Long, 1996

Acknowledgments

This book’s dedication goes to my professor, mentor, colleague, and friend, Dr. Nicholas J. Long. I will be forever grateful to him for his knowledge, wisdom, patience, and kindness.

I am thankful for my husband, Larry. He deserves many accolades for his support, continual reading, and valuable input. I am blessed that he loves golf, as much as I love writing, so I do not have to neglect him.

I am grateful for the friendship I had with another new mother, Emma Lou MacPherson. Together, we struggled with our toddlers and their tantrums, fights, and angry behaviors. We desperately searched for parenting classes to no avail. Now, our kids are grown with kids of their own. I hope she is soaring with the angels. I am saddened that she was not able to see her grandchildren grow up.

Carey Bentson was able to bring my ideas to life through her illustrations of a lovable mother and daughter struggling to communicate and understand each other. She is an artist extraordinaire, and I feel thankful and blessed to have her in my life.

Some exceptional individuals (Carey, Celia, Chris, Jennell, and Kathy) accepted my invitation to read and review this book. These advanced readers were persistent (yet caring) in their pursuit of excellence. Words alone cannot express my gratitude—thank you.

Finally, my sincere appreciation goes to Taylor Birk and her editing, layout design, and book cover teams. This book would not exist without their expertise. Thank you.

Who Is I?

When setting out to write this book, I decided to create one character, Emily, who would be the leading voice of When Hurting Turns to Anger: How Parents Can Help Their Kids. Emily would represent the young mothers Emma Lou and I once were, and her struggle relating to her kids in more helpful ways, especially when they were angry, would mirror our own. Emily would be our I.

Why a Book on Anger for Parents?

For me, this is a tough question to answer. I have spent most of my adult life trying to hide from my crappy childhood. My only saving grace was the neighborhood kids who invited me to their churches. At church, the first lesson I learned was that Jesus loved the little children—even me. One friend would ask me to go to her church on Saturdays. Another friend would ask me to go to her Sunday school. By the age of six, I was hooked on going to church. Why? It was a safe place where people cared for and loved one another. My school was my other safe place. My home was full of hurting and anger.

Parents, just the fact that you are reading this tells me that maybe, somewhere in your family, someone is hurting and angry. Or perhaps you have a friend who is dealing with anger. In any case, hurt and anger handled poorly is devastating to kids and often causes damage that may last a lifetime.

Why do parents act out their anger in hurtful ways? Dr. Long would tell us that it’s the stress that causes people (parents) to get frustrated, angry, and respond to their kids in unhelpful ways. I agree with him. Today, parents are under much developmental, economic, psychological, and reality stress, which triggers them to yell and name-call their kids (2001; 2014). If, as a kid, you were repeatedly told that you were slow, stupid, clumsy, loud, or a burden, you would most likely start to believe it. Even worse, if hit as a kid, you would believe you were unworthy of love.

Dr. Ginott would tell us that parents act out their anger by using hurtful words. Many parents recycle the same reactive and unhelpful ways of dealing with misbehavior as their parents used. Why? Parents lack understanding and knowledge about the destructive power of words (2003). I agree with him. Most loving parents have threatened, bribed, chided, or shamed their kids when they felt undue pressure. Or what parents hadn’t reacted when kids were pushing their buttons?

While writing When Hurting Turns to Anger: Helping Students, I knew that a parenting book would follow. After all, parents are a youngster’s first teachers. They are the ones who give their children a healthy or unhealthy start to life. It is the parents’ responsibility to determine what it takes to create a healthy home environment. That is an incredible and sometimes overwhelming task. One thing for sure: In neglected or indulgent homes, kids have no hope. No hope for feeling valued, no hope for becoming responsible, and no hope for developing respectful relationships because children believe they are either omnipotent or unworthy. However, the time has come for parents to teach kids how to handle their anger nonviolently. It is time to stop the hurting.

The work of Drs Nicholas J. Long (1980, 1991, 1996, 2001, 2014), Fritz Redl (1972, 1980), and Haim Ginott (1972) has influenced concepts for the following chapters. These individuals are or were committed professionals dedicated to finding better ways to communicate with hurting kids consumed by anger. As a graduate student, Dr. Long taught us the Life Space Interviewing (LSI) techniques, which he learned from Dr. Redl. These strategies involved methods to control the adult’s anger while supporting and teaching enraged kids better ways to cope with violence. We practiced these LSI techniques while teaching at the Rose School in DC.

Years later, Dr. Long refined the anger reducing techniques of LSI and renamed them Life Space Crises Intervention (LSCI). His goal was to expand the strategies beyond the clinical world and into education. Hired to teach students diagnosed with Social Emotional Disorders (SED) in a public school district without alternative schools, I discovered that LSI strategies could be adapted for use by teachers who didn’t have special education training. More accurately, teacher colleagues witnessed the communication strategies I used with their angry students and wanted to learn them. Thus started the process of adapting the LSI skills I used in my special education classroom for use in regular rooms with angry students. I called the adapted LSI skills Anger Reducing Techniques (ART).

In 1991, I made a career switch from teaching angry kids in public schools to teaching education majors at the university level. A change that I envisioned would help future students with anger issues by first helping their teachers learn communication or ART skills. With ART, teachers can help students turn their hurting into productive behavior rather than angry actions. Also, in the 1990s, I became an advanced LSCI Senior Trainer through Dr. Long’s Life Space Crisis Intervention Institute.

I became familiar with Ginott’s published work through Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, New York Times bestselling authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. As a faculty member at Bradley University, I used their book in my classroom management courses. Students complained that the book was written for parents and not relevant to classrooms. Therefore, I made that unforgettable phone call to Adele Faber to discuss writing a book showing teachers how to communicate more successfully with students. Thus, a coauthor partnership was formed, which resulted in writing "How to Talk So Kids Can Learn—At Home and in School (1995). I was pleased that our book provided help for both teachers and parents. Approximately a decade later, I proposed to Adele that an update of the book was needed, one that included more techniques on how to help parents and teachers reduce their anger; while at the same time teaching their kids how to handle hurt and anger more appropriately. Her writing life was in a whirlwind of activity, so the offer of updating How to Talk So Kids Can Learn—At Home and in School was declined.

Yet, since our schools were becoming dangerous places for kids and parents needed help with their angry, out-of-control children, I was compelled to do more. Therefore, the idea of putting anger reducing techniques (ART) into a book settled in the back of my mind. After years of testing the strategies, the idea resulted in writing When Hurting Turns to Anger: Helping Students (2019) and the current book When Hurting Turns to Anger: How Parents Can Help Their Kids.

What is ART? It is a seven-step process that helps kids talk about their anger and learn ways to handle strong emotions effectively before they reach the crisis stage. Therefore, ART can be used with kids in any situation, whether at home or in the community. The premise being kids can learn skills to handle their anger productively, rather than becoming overwhelmed, losing control, and cycling into calamities. In the book’s following chapters, parents will learn ways to create a home environment that will promote learning life skills for all children, no matter what level of emotional maturity they exhibit. In chapter 1, The Dynamics of Anger, parents will read about the ins and outs of anger. For instance, do you know why it feels natural to punish your kids? Or do you know that anger is not bad and has four realities?

If you want to learn strategies for remaining calm in angry moments, the details in chapter 1 will be helpful. In chapter 2, Emotional First Aid at Home, parents can read about a quick problem-solving process to help kids involved in stressful or anger-provoking situations. Knowing the times, Emotional First Aid should be used will resolve many problems that kids face at home. For kids who are full of hurt and habitually acting out their anger, there are Anger Reducing Techniques (ART), presented in chapters 3 through 9. In chapter 3, Supporting Angry Kids, parents learn ART’s seven steps. Plus, step 1 of ART: Support Angry Kid is shared in detail. In chapter 4, step 2 of ART: Encourage Angry Kid to Talk, techniques on encouraging resistant kids to start using words to express their rage are shared. Then, in chapter 5, step 3 of ART: Help Kid Understand Personal Anger, parents read about strategies that give kids insight into why their problems have happened. For example, did kids lack social skills, or were they being exploited, or did they have confused perceptions of their situations?

With a deeper understanding of their anger, kids become motivated to solve problems, which is the content of chapter 6, step 4 of ART, Help Kid Solve Problem. In chapters 7 and 8, parents learn how to help kids develop and practice their plans of success. In chapter 9, parents read about techniques to ensure kids can reenter family activities without further incidents erupting. In the book’s final chapter, Putting It All Together, the seven ART steps are tied together and concludes with strategies to develop social and emotional healthy homes. It is my sincere hope that the emotional first aid and ART techniques outlined in this book will equip parents with the strategies needed to help their kids manage hurt and handle anger in more humane ways. Too many kids have destroyed home environments due to their feelings of hurt, turning into a blind rage. Without passionate people like Nicholas J. Long, Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, and the late Fritz Redl and Haim Ginott, countless kids would continue hurting. At the same time, their parents would be lost and exasperated about how to help them gain control and stop destroying their family environments.

1

The Dynamics of Anger

How Parents Often Handle Anger

Not again! One more day late to work would not look good. Why did the kids have to be so whiny? Trying to get Sam, Rena, and Kelly Irene ready for school and preschool was such a struggle. The more I rushed them, the more they verbally resisted: I’m sleepy, don’t want up!… I’m not wearing that! My friends will laugh.… Huh? Who stole the last bagel? It was mine!… Where are my shoes? Guess I’m not going to school today!… He’s calling me names. Make him stop!

As the grumbling continued and my headache throbbed, I heard myself saying:

Stop whining! You can’t be sleepy; you had ten hours of sleep! Now, get up!

This is a great sweater! Your friends must be stupid if they laugh. Put it on, now!

Shut up! No one stole the bagel. Who said it was yours, anyway? Eat something else!

If you’d just put them away, you wouldn’t have to look for them! Find another pair—now!

Stop the name-calling and tattling, do you hear me? Or early bedtime for all of you.

You guys are making me crazy! The three of you need to shut up and get into the car, now!

As I snuck into my workstation, I slumped in my chair and thought about what an angry witch I had been. I worried that my kids would have a terrible day because of me. The same pattern had been repeating itself for months. Yet, no matter how I prepared the night before or organized the kids’ things, it always ended up the same—yelling, threatening, slapping, fighting, and lots of anger, both theirs and mine. What was I going to do? What could I do? I needed help!

Betsy, a good friend and coworker in the work area next to me, looked over the cubicle’s side and said, Another rough morning?

I reflected on the morning’s angry moments, sighed, and said, Yeah, I just cannot seem to get it together. I’m so tired of the angry outbursts and my heated responses. Every morning it’s such a battle. With my kids and me furious with each other and all of us in tears!

I know you have been trying different things, Betsy noted. None of them have worked?

Mulling over all the things I’d tried, I shook my head and said, "Nope. The times I thought something was working, it didn’t work the next time. Or it might work for a week, and then the older kids would resist, saying to stop bribing or manipulating or getting in their heads. It is going to be a long year! The kids seem so lost, with their dad on a tour-of-duty. Heck, what am I saying? I’m lost and don’t know how to deal with all the strong emotions!"

After a few moments of silence, Betsy said, Let’s talk more at lunchtime. Emily, I know this stuff can be tough, but maybe we can help each other.

Curious about what she meant, I agreed. At this point, I’d try anything that would make it better for my kids and me. A little late, I rushed into the lunchroom, hoping that Betsy wouldn’t be upset. Seeing her at the corner table, I waved. She smiled and motioned for me to come and sit. Betsy handed me a parenting brochure, waited a few minutes, and said, What do you think?

Reading about the parenting class did pique my interest, especially the part about helping kids deal with their anger. I responded, Are you suggesting that I go to this class because of what I said earlier?

Yes and no, Betsy said exuberantly. I’ve heard a lot about how great this speaker is and have been wanting to attend a class for years, but not by myself. Anger is not an easy topic for people to admit that they need help. So I was wondering if you’d consider attending with me? In that way, we could help each other…you know, more support together than alone! What do you say?

I was speechless. Betsy was the most put-together person I knew—calm, patient, supportive. Why would she need an anger management class? I know you’re a good friend. Are you sure you’re not doing this just for me? I’ve been off the wall lately and probably need more than what this workshop has to offer!

Chuckling, Betsy said, I know you’re a good mom, or you’d not be seeking ways to make things better for your kids. Besides, all of us parents need help sometimes, including me. My only regret is I didn’t take the class a few years ago. I think it would’ve been a lot easier on my kids had I done so. My daughter is reaching the tween years, and I could use help. So are you in, Emily? You game?

Our First Class Session

Sitting in the back with Betsy, I surveyed the room and felt grateful that our class was small. As Shelia, our teacher, introduced herself, I reflected on the reasons others were here. One thing was for certain: We had something in common—angry kids. I felt a soft nudge.

Betsy handed me paper and pen, as Shelia said, Let’s take a few minutes for introductions. As a few parents groaned, she continued, I want all parents to help each other, so it’s important to know everyone’s names and details. I’ll introduce myself first. Please write down names, as each person takes a turn.

At the end of the introductions, I examined the names on my list. It surprised me that we were a diverse group—single parents, divorced parents, widowed parents, married parents, stepparents, grandparents, and one teacher.

My list:

Parents List

Wesley—one son, Mason

Constance—three boys, John, Mark, and Paul

Betsy—two kids, Sophia and Zack

Emily—three kids Sam, Rena, and Kelly Irene (leading voice of this book)

Nancy—a teacher with angry students

Timothy—one daughter, Ava

Joy—one daughter, Samantha

Martha and Phil—Grandparents with grandson Teddy and son Rodney

Ethan—two step kids, Alex and Charlotte

Julie—one daughter, Mia

Liam—one daughter, Olivia

Kyle and Lynn—three daughters, Emma, Harper, Abby, and one son, Noah

Suzanne and Jeffery—twin toddlers, Zev and Issy

Shelia thanked us for sharing and asked for a volunteer to share an angry kid example. There were no immediate hands. Shelia waited patiently.

Um, I guess, I can share, Wesley said doubtfully. Shelia nodded in approval.

How Parents Often Respond to Their Angry Kids

Wesley’s example:

Mason, my son, can be rude. I told him to pick up his dishes from the coffee table and put them in the dishwasher. He ignored me. I told him again, only louder. He ignored me. By this time, I was ticked. I got into his face and said, Are you deaf? Or just stupid! He jumped up, pushed me, and told me he didn’t have to listen to my crap! I pushed him back and told him if he wanted a fight, it was on! He gave me a hateful look, shook his head, and said I wasn’t worth his time. Then he stomped out the front door, slamming it loudly. I picked up the dishes and took them to the kitchen.

As I listened to how Wesley and his son battled through their angry situation, I told myself that my kids and I weren’t that bad, thank God! Yet, some of Wesley’s story hit home. I wondered, even though I didn’t yell (not too loudly) or get violent, did I have an anger issue? Was it affecting how I interacted with my children? In the beginning, I told myself that the workshop was to learn how to help my kids handle their anger more appropriately. However, was I unknowingly staging the angry outbursts from my kids? Did I want to get back at my kids for their misbehavior? Did I push them into angry reactions so that I could punish them?

I was shaken back to the present moment when our presenter asked, How many parents here like to punish their kids?

Not one hand raised. A few parents chuckled, nervously. While others just shook their heads, no one spoke. I think we were shocked to hear Shelia, our presenter, bluntly state that parents might enjoy chastising their kids. Plus, how freaky was it that I had just pondered the same question. Betsy and I exchanged worried glances.

Shelia continued, It’s my goal to facilitate your learning much more about anger and its relationship to punishment. Tonight, let’s examine why punishment feels natural, the drawbacks to using it, and some alternatives to being punitive. After a pause, Shelia continued, So why do so many parents use punishment to handle their misbehaving kids? Shelia wrote the following question on the board and waited for our comments.

Why Does Punishment Feel So Natural?

"Well, I guess