I Hope You Ready For Crazy Crying from LMAO

By Keith Toney

Keith Toney is entertainingly funny and finally coming down to earth. With a long history of schizophrenic episodes, the sharing of many laughs, and a compassionate sense of much-needed humor, his time has finally come to go public.

“Single forever” is his war cry. Writing is his passion; whether he’s making us laugh, cry, or love him, his wordplay is felt. From pipe dreams, penitentiary blues, to down in the dirt, tears nourishing like cool rain on a summer breeze, Keith Toney is extending his roots deep within our hearts.

Within these pages you are guaranteed to recapture one of the most cherished delights that make up part of some of our best moments in life (the joy of laughter).

Filled with many twists to common logic, this book is one of a kind, a true rarity, symbolic to finding a diamond inside the shell of a clam. An easy and much-needed read at any time but especially during our times of doubt, crisis, and deep-seated aloneness that exists in the depths of our minds.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781662412639

Book preview

Sanity of People

Some people are worth little to no love in the eyes of the ones that they hold dear. I lived in that category for a long time. It all seemed to change in the blink of an eye with a few keyboard strokes and the creation of this masterpiece. It’s like I’m a two-month-old baby once again. I’m back, baby!

Girls that I used to speak to, that always had me wondering why they were looking at me like I crawled from under the toilet while they were taking a shit, actually speak first. People acknowledge me with hugs that wouldn’t have pissed on fire to put me out. I get calls from people who erased my number long ago checking to see how I’m doing.

All this newfound love is some bullshit! I want to go back to the good ole days when I was forced to live in my head and converse with the spirits of people because their physical selves didn’t feel like I was worth any time.

With all the smiles and kind words that I receive, I feel like a pet pig that the family can’t stop petting and giving treats to while singing Christmas carols the whole time. Most of these people won’t even read my book. I’m getting tons of congratulations before I know if I can sell more than a hundred copies. So what did I do? I smiled back. I can’t keep smiling ’cause my face is tired. I’m not used to this type of facial exercise.

I got fired from McDonalds on my first day at work ’cause they said that my smile intimidated the customers. They said when I smiled, I look like a depressed terrorist on meth. It took me a few minutes to figure it out, but every time I took an order, after I served the customers, people in line would duck and run for cover as the customer would walk away, checking their fries and sandwiches as if I had put a bomb in their food.

The bomb squad was even called toward the middle of my shift ’cause I had put too much ice in a ladies’ soda and she thought it was laced with c-4. They didn’t even wait till payday to issue me a check for the work I had performed. The manager reached right into the register, paid me, and told me, Please don’t come back. Ever! Not even as a customer!

I had become so used to being rejected that I remember asking a female for her number, and when she pulled out her phone, I ran thinking that she was calling my parole officer. Only later did I find out that she had gotten a new phone that day and was checking her phone for her new number to give to me.

I remember all to clearly a time when I was running the streets drinking a lot and getting high. I got drunk one afternoon and swerved my way to the zoo ’cause I was in the mood to see some animals. As It happened, I ran into about six childhood friends that I hadn’t seen in years. We caught up for a few minutes enjoying each other’s company like old times. They told me that they were having a cookout the next day and wanted me to come and said they wouldn’t accept no for an answer. We said our goodbyes and parted ways.

I looked at the animals for an hour or so and bumped smack into two of my friends. They pulled me to the side, and each pulled out a pistol. I was shown a forty-five and a nine mm and informed that if I needed a gun, they could get me one at a cheap price. It just so happened that at that moment a bear had escaped from his cage and people were running and panicking. Before I could react—bam!—the bear was on my ass. He tore me a new asshole so fast that after I awoke in the hospital a few weeks later, I was surprised to be alive.

I recovered pretty nicely, and on my way to the store one evening, I bumped into the two friends from the zoo.

I had to ask them, Why didn’t one of ya’ll shoot the bear and get him up off me?

The first friend told me that he was on parole and didn’t want to go back to prison for having a gun at the zoo. The second friend wouldn’t look me in the eye; he said something about a head-up fight and that he would have shot the bear if the monkey had jumped in.

Schizophrenia

If the tittle didn’t give it away allow me. I’m schizophrenic, and let me tell you not to believe what people are saying about it. Schizophrenia is much more joyful then you hear about. What it is in a nutshell is basically a person who is aware and who is interacting with spirits of people who are alive as well as some who have been long and recently dead while yet others who are not from our parts. Just as with everyone’s life, we go through ups and downs. I’ve had many bad moments and also experienced some amazing things. I’ve had hallucinations that touch me every time I remember them.

Who wouldn’t enjoy a good hallucination or delusion? I really hope that you are not in denial ’cause I need you to be right here on level with me. You call me crazy