Unbinding the Ties that Bind: New Theological and Psychological Perspectives on Marriage and Divorce for Contemporary Christians

By Hugh Basil Hamilton

Marriage when undertaken in loving commitment is a wonderful estate to which many well-meaning people aspire. Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, people become wounded in marriages that destroy individual's self-worth and dignity. In this book, Reverend Dr. Hugh Hamilton, senior pastor and pastoral counselor with over twenty-five years of experience, explores theological ideas of God, suffering, sin, and redemption in the context of marriage and divorce and exposes how the theology of the church supports a system of marital abuse. Grounded in sound research and practice, Reverend Hamilton recommends an editing of the oppressive narratives about God to relieve the suffering of those in abusive unions and compassionately offers balanced therapeutic approaches to help people heal from the inevitable pain and wounds that come from divorce. The book suggests fresh, new ways of thinking about marriage as "the experience of reciprocal belonging" and provides ethically defensible reasons why divorce and remarriage are responsible models of being family. Readers from within and outside the church will find its contents enlightening, encouraging, uplifting, and useful.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098033743

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Unbinding the Ties that Bind

New Theological and Psychological Perspectives on Marriage and Divorce for Contemporary Christians

Hugh Basil Hamilton

Copyright © 2020 by Hugh Basil Hamilton

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

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Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

How Toxic Marriages Affect the Health of Congregations

How the Prohibition Against Divorce Contributes to Abusive Relationships

Biblical Exegesis on Some Key Text on Marriage and Divorce

Theological Reflections

Theories That Inform Different Views on Marriage

Narrative Therapy as a Possible Approach to Heal the Wounded

Contemporary Ways of Thinking About Marriage and Their Implications for Premarital Counseling

Acknowledgments

I am particularly grateful to God for affording me the energy to do this kind of reflection at a very difficult time in my life personally. I am also very thankful for the kind of helpful comments that came from my fellow students in the two doctoral seminar courses INTE 883Y and PSYP826. The collegiality and the intellectual stimulation received in those classes made no small contribution to my being able to put this document together. I am particularly grateful for the instructors in those courses: Dr. Sharon Thornton and Dr. Elizabeth Nordbeck. Special thanks are in order for my advisor, Dr. Leanne Tigert, who made many helpful suggestions and was a valuable resource. Dr. Brita Gill-Austern was also an available and helpful resource to me as my advisor before Dr. Tigert took over that role. Special mention should also be made of Dr. Nimi Wariboko for his very critical ear and eye as well as his provocative and challenging questions in his role as second reader of this work. I thank him for his comments and questions. Too much mention cannot be made of Dawn Todd, a member of my congregation in Hartford, Connecticut, whose editorial and typing skills were invaluable to me.

There are two couples in our congregation that deserve special mention in any conversation on the topic of marriage. Together they have been married for a total of 136+ years by the time this document is published. Sidney and Dorothy McCalla have been married for 65 years until Dorothy passed on to be with the Lord in November of 2019. Llewellyn and Ivera Pennant have been married for 71+ years. Sydney McCalla, Llewellyn and Ivera are still with us and active members of the congregation.

Their marriages present a formidable argument that traditional marriage still works. Faithfulness to Christ and faithfulness to each other are hallmarks of their long-standing unions. Their loving unions remain an inspiration to me and to many.

I salute these couples and express my profound thanks to them for their legacy to our church and community.

Preface

This paper examines the issue of divorce and remarriage. It examines ways in which the theology of the church inadvertently supports a system of marital abuse and what might be done to edit the oppressive features of our language about God in order to facilitate a culture of liberation in the face of marital abuse. With a focus on the writer’s present pastoral charge, the paper examines ethically defensible reasons why divorce and remarriage are responsible models of being a family. The hypothesis of the study is that the church’s theology plays a role in its members’ willingness to tolerate abuse in a marriage. Revision and editing of the church’s theology, along with narrative and cognitive behavioral therapies, will go a long way to relieve the suffering of those in abusive marriages. Questionnaires were completed by married and divorced congregants of the same church community to elicit their experiences of marriage and divorce. In addition to this, pastoral counseling conversations were also used as a method of research. The writer’s personal experience was also used as a reflective and constructive tool.

The paper postulates that a new definition of marriage as the experience of reciprocal belonging along with the editing of the oppressive feature in some key theological concepts, will go a long way to produce healthier marriages within congregations. I first encountered the term reciprocal belonging in my studies at the United Theological College of the West Indies more than three decades ago. The term refers to the mutual acknowledgment of an intimate relationship between a couple and does not assume legal conventions. The removal of the burden to pursue legal conventions and the clarification and redefinition of some critical theological concepts will reduce the suffering of many afflicted by the scourge of divorce, domestic violence and denial of marriage. A reflection on systems theory, biblical and exegetical analysis, and the ideas of some contemporary liberation theologians are some of the resources used.

Introduction

I am the pastor of a congregation of over 450 members. These members are from different ethnic and geographical backgrounds. The majority of the members come from Caribbean and African nations, but there is also a strong representation of African Americans. The largest group in the congregation is Jamaican, who makes up approximately 60 percent of the congregation.

In this congregation, marriage holds a highly esteemed place. The biblical injunction found in the New Testament Epistle to the Hebrews 13:4 to let marriage be held in honor by all is taken seriously. Marriage is an estate that most of its unmarried members look forward to. However, many of my pastoral counseling situations as well as my own personal experience reveal that a significant degree of suffering takes place among persons in the congregation who are either unhappily married or divorced. By suffering, I mean an unhealthy state of being that constitutes unhappiness and, in some cases, depression. It is not hard to find literature extolling the view that marriage enhances a person’s life. No doubt this type of literature refers to good marriages. However, there is general silence in academia with respect to how bad marriages may affect a person’s life. For those in my congregation who are experiencing suffering in marriage, there is a significant degree of secrecy and shame about relationships that have gone awry. There is a stoic display of courage in the face of adversity and the presentation of the best face amidst the greatest pain from many who are unhappily wed. The often unspoken argument is that the scourge of divorce must be avoided at all cost for those whose suffering seems to have no reasonable prospect of ending anytime before death. I used the word scourge because it denotes the power of shame that many in this culture and religious community experience. The biggest taboo is that divorce is against God and against the Bible. Therefore, the suffering in any abusive marriage is to be endured rather than exercise the option of divorce. It goes without saying that some take the phrase in the traditional Christian marriage ceremony ’til death us do part very literally.

Domestic violence is a reality among some congregants and others I counsel. I have been a pastor for more than twenty-eight years. I am in my twentieth year in my present pastoral charge. Throughout the duration of my pastorate, I have encountered people who have been hospitalized and almost killed as a consequence of domestic violence. However, they managed to keep this hidden from the police for the sake of keeping their marriage intact. Deeply ingrained biblical and theological notions about marriage and divorce, as well as a deeply held psychological mind-set, that one keeps one’s marriage no matter the consequences reinforce this attitude. Therefore, this paper will present biblical, psychological, and theological reflections on marriage and divorce and offer therapeutic approaches with the hope of creating alternative ways to respond to marital situations that are no longer healthy.

I will look at the systemic forces that reinforce marital abuse in some families and in congregations. I will examine the forces of denial and misinformation that keep it secret and facilitate its continuance. My conviction is, and history shows, that once systems of abuse are confronted and challenged, then healthy change usually occurs. The civil rights movement, while it could not eradicate racism, showed that confrontation of oppressive systems is necessary to bring about constructive change. The change may be slow and gradual, or it may be sudden and turbulent. Nonetheless, change does often occur in the face of oppressive systems when challenged. This is so, whether this change applies to one’s belief system, the social system or a family system. It is usually an uphill task to confront systems of oppression, but human history has shown that they do not budge without this vital confrontation and critical engagement.

Part I

Focus on Marriage and Abusive Relationships

1

How Toxic Marriages Affect the Health of Congregations

I handed out fifty questionnaires to solicit honest responses to the prevailing views on marriage and divorce in the congregation. In the responses to the questionnaires received, I discovered several groups of people among the married and divorced in my congregation. There are those who are happily married and experience a high level of satisfaction in their marriage. There is also a group that are now divorced who experience a high level of satisfaction in their divorced state. There are those who are unhappily married and are contemplating divorce, and there are those who are unhappily married but choose not to divorce. There are also those who are unhappily divorced. Among the unhappily divorced are those who experience a great deal of shame as a consequence of their divorced state. Among the unhappily wed, there is also a group for whom divorce is not an option. I recognize that despite our unique setting that in many ways my congregants are a reflection of what is in fact a reality in the larger American society.

The large number of unhappily wed people in America who will not divorce has perked the curiosity of the media and social commentators as the subsequently referred to article reveals. An Internet article from entitled Unhappily Ever After,¹ refers to those unhappily married who refuse to divorce as the nondivorce. This article lists several reasons why some of these people do not divorce. Among them are potentially big legal fees, health insurance needs, and the expense of separate household needs. I would suggest that among my congregants responding to the questionnaire, the issue of religious shame would have to be added to the list. The article describes a nondivorced couple as two people living under one roof more like passionless roommates than spouses. The article also points out that many couples turned off by their friends’ bitter rancorous terminations would rather stay together than endure the messiness or inflict it upon their children.

It is apparent to me that one of the respondents to the questionnaire underscores the shame in the church in relation to divorce. She said, People scorned me when they realized that there was no husband. Some stopped speaking to me. Others never said a kind word. They looked the other way. The pastor prayed with me. One family in the church stood by me. There is no teaching on divorce in the church.

Another member responding to the questionnaire said, My church does not preach enough on this important topic. She