The Overcoming Marriage: Judeo-Christian Prototype

By Darwin E. Andreozzi Ph.D

A PROVEN WAY TO RESCUE A MARRIAGE THAT IS ON THE ROPES OR BRING LIFE INTO A LACKLUSTER MARRIAGE. GET VITAL BREAKTHROUGH INSTRUCTION ON FAMILY WELLNESS AND DISEASE PREVENTION WHILE LEARNING EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR COGNITIVE DECLINE.

Highlighting the proven, time-tested Judeo-Christian principles in overcoming all forms of

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Mar 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887381602

Darwin E. Andreozzi Ph.D

To be honest, this biography must include the acknowledgement of the author's brokenness. Do not despair; he does not consider himself a loser or deficient in overall necessary credentials. To the contrary, this brokenness is understood to be a universal truth of the human condition. It is only when the reality is realized and surrendered to that pride can move aside and allow a power greater than itself to do its wonders. Thanks be to God!

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Acknowledgments

I owe many thanks and heaps of gratitude to the many individuals who have contributed to and shaped my thinking over the years. When that thinking eventually aligned with the Word, a number of positive actions occurred as a result of this alignment. One of the actions was to do an extensive body of marriage research, which was necessary to compile this manuscript. This research, my own experience in marriage, and my treatment outcomes have convinced me of the efficacy in applying Judeo-Christian concepts and values in the treatment of troubled marriages.

There need to be special thanks given to the ministry of Andrew Wommack and his daily TV program The Gospel Truth. I still watch and learn from this program and have done so for many years. His copious publications and tapes have also had a powerful influence in building my Christian maturity. Applying this knowledge also entailed another positive course of action that involved viewing on a regular and daily basis the TV program Marriage Today, a program dealing with assisting couples who are having problems in their marriage. Many other publications, including by the CEO of Marriage Today, Jimmy Evans, provided an understanding of and application of a Judeo-Christian template in the counseling of married couples.

My older sister, Antoinette, has been an invaluable aid in piecing together my own developmental history, in which many disturbing family events happened at an early age when I was too young to remember. My sister was often consulted about getting the specifics of many toxic and traumatic family battles that occurred in my formative and early teen years.

The actual journey of putting together the comprehensive research into a readable and relevant marriage-like manual was highly challenging in itself. Yet, for me, a more daunting task was finding the right person who was available and reliable to assist me in the actual production of this work. I do not think it was an accident that Barbara Henry was referred to me after what seemed to have been an endless search for such a person as Barbara. Since she turned out to be one of my nearby neighbors, this was another plus because the nature of the project required frequent consultations regarding the various aspects of the project. Miss Henry proved to have the talent and necessary personality that allowed this journey to begin and finally come to a completion. Her loyalty, hard work, and persistence were character traits that greatly assisted in the building and completion of this project (all while caring for her homebound, terminally ill mother). I cannot thank her enough for her assistance, especially her editing of some of my more tortured sentence structures. Thank you, and God bless you, Barbara!

Introduction

Synopsis and a Battlefield Warm Up

What can you do to resolve your marital discord? There is always the possibility of getting marital counseling, and that may be something you ultimately choose, but until such a source of help is sought, an intermediate step can be taken. This body of work can be that bridge of self-help that includes a diagnosis of your marital conflicts and, when appropriate, can apply certain specific principles and treatment protocols that can help restore your marriage. My own clinical experience and that of many other treatment professionals have found that Judeo-Christian principles have proven to be highly successful in resolving marital problems. This approach does not abandon clinical acumen but simply adds another dimension to the treatment that brings it to a whole different level of lasting effectiveness. I would not recommend this approach for couples where an active chemical or alcohol addiction is present or when abuse of any kind is a major feature of the marriage. These two problems must first be addressed.

You know, most of us—especially those of us who have many growth rings—have accumulated a plethora of manuals whose collective purpose was to repair the simplest of appliances, like the family toaster, and to fix more complex electronic devices and mechanical systems such as your family tractor or even your automobile, but there is no such manual to assist you to better understand why the parts of your marriage are failing. I hope and pray this body of work will fill that need.

If a couple is motivated to save or make better their present marital relationship, this manual-like manuscript can assist you. The desires to have a better marriage plus a spirit of learning are the only necessary prerequisites for success in working this program. Again, I repeat my belief and experience that the Judeo-Christian features of this program always produce positive results for the health of a marriage, provided the couple has made a decision to change and is not involved in an active addiction or presently in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. I have repeated this plea because of its importance for assuring a healthy treatment outcome. Addiction and abuse require an entirely different treatment program.

Chapter 1

In the first chapter, there will be a discussion of the somewhat mysterious, elusive, and tricky business of the process of character formation. It is the opinion of this author that faulty character formation is the root cause for marital failure. Another way of putting it is that faulty character development will always result in faulty defensive strategies, which actually do little more than destroy a marriage. On one end, that which defends you will destroy you and your spouse. Environmental factors (involving your maturational figures) will play a major role in either one’s character development taking a positive or negative direction and tone. In the early years of human life (six to eight years old), the child is highly vulnerable due to a natural defect in a child’s cognitive functioning. Children in this age group often produce faulty beliefs as the result of their false assumptions and conclusions that originate in the messages they receive, such as, You will never amount to anything. These types of statements will be accepted as truth. The deficiency in our cognition simply is the fact that a young person’s cognitive processes are not capable of discerning between statements that are true from those that are false. This basic error in human cognition is a universal occurrence in all of us and has tragic implications for the establishment of negative character behaviors in later life. In my opinion, this cognitive error (concerning matters of beliefs and attitudes) is the core reason for most of our divorces.

The following quote speaks to this universal cognitive shortfall:

The science revealed in this book defines how beliefs control behavior and gene activity and, consequently, the unfolding of our lives…most of us unavoidably acquired limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs that were downloaded into our subconscious minds when we were children.

A child’s perceptions of the world are directly downloaded into the subconscious during the first six years of life, without discrimination and without filters of the analytical self-conscious mind that is not fully operational during this time. Consequently, our fundamental perceptions about life and our role in it are learned without our having the capacity to choose or reject those beliefs…

Lipton 2015, 229

Clinical experience and science echo the truths expressed in this quote that this deficit in human cognition is directly responsible for those negative character behaviors manifested in failing marriages. This human shortcoming will be cited throughout this manuscript. Interestingly enough, we find in a statement of Jesus Christ a particular point of view that highlights this human thought disaster.

In a well-known pearl spoken by Jesus Christ, He said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know [cognition] what they do (character behaviors) (Luke 23:34, NKJV). We usually focus on the forgiveness and mercy aspects of this quote, yet Jesus uses few words to speak multiple truths in a one-line statement.

Another mind of a different order of excellence also expressed a similar reality of human cognition when Mahatma Gandhi said, Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values and your values become your destiny (Lipton 2015, 138).

This short paragraph is a form of shorthand for my entire chapter 1.

Chapter 2

This chapter gives the reader some practical ways of taking stock of their own character traits by giving them a series of questions about their home life and their reaction to this maturational environment. A child’s reactions to this environment—either positive or negative in tone—become their specific character traits. The goal of these different exercises is to provide you with a greater awareness and understanding of the dynamics that motivate your negative character behaviors responsible for disabling the positive functioning of your marriage. The bulk of those negative character behaviors stems from unconscious beliefs that all fail the test of reality.

Chapter 2 also discusses some of our well-entrenched mental strongholds, such as unforgiveness, a rebellious spirit, and mental vows, all of which pose major obstacles to a happy, well-functioning marriage and the need to overcome.

A good portion of this chapter will deal with what I call the Four Pillars of Healing for a troubled marriage. Each pillar will have a different function and purpose but, taken together, have a synergistic effect on bringing about a positive marital transformation.

This treatment approach will employ a good deal of self-exploration in an effort to track down the origins and functions of those toxic beliefs that cause most problems in marriages and life in general. The Four Pillars will bring the Scriptures and prayer into the therapeutic process, something missing in most conventional marital treatment. I have had personal experience in my own marriage on how bringing into play prayer and other spiritual functions that had profoundly impacted my marriage in ways that can only be described as breathtaking. I have also had a similar experience in my clinical practice. I have found that the introduction of those spiritual factors has the enormous additional benefits in efforts to heal a severely impaired marriage.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 may seem to be a radical departure from our central theme of overcoming the many troubling obstacles and barriers to a joy-filled marriage, but in reality, the biblical verses that are associated with this renowned painting have everything to do with marriage. For this reason, I have chosen the Last Supper as a prototype for those principles that are always responsible for cultivating positive marital outcomes.

I pointed out how I was drawn to this work of art by Da Vinci because of two conflicting emotions. Other than the artistic features and my positive feelings about Christ and His disciples, there was a rather sad component to my overall reaction to this painting. This grim reaction first puzzled me until I later realized that the harmonious and tranquil setting of the Passover meal was in total contrast in emotional tone to my own family’s meal time, which was highly toxic and emotionally crippling to all members present.

However, the happy part of this story of the Lord’s Supper was how this artistic masterpiece had given us a permanent record in an art form representation of those essential biblical principles that are necessary for a well-functioning marriage and family life.

The central theme of the Passover Seder is the message that God can deliver and free a marriage from whatever bondage is destroying the marriage. This painting represents how God makes possible our exodus from whatever personal bondages are bringing down a marriage, such as those impacted by toxic negative character behaviors, just as God made it possible for Moses and the Jewish captives to be released from their bondage of slavery in Egypt—celebrated every year with the Passover and the Seder meal.

We also learned from the visual aspects of this painting how a safe and non-threatening atmosphere during meals is necessary for the positive bonding of family members and the growth-producing function of role modeling by the leaders of the family meal—Christ in this case—but parents for most meal gatherings. In this safe meal environment, all family members—especially the children—learn many valuable lessons for life.

The biblical verses associated with the Passover Festival have introduced and encouraged such healing character traits as redemptive love, forgiveness, and the new ceremony of Holy Communion, all components of the new covenant. These are some of the most restorative and healing behaviors that can restore a troubled marriage.

This historic Seder also introduced the novel and marriage-building practice of service in which Christ washes the feet of His disciples. This demonstrated that one’s status does not alter the need for a Christian service to each other. When practiced in marriage, servanthood brings a special glow to the marital relationship, as both husband and wife service each other’s needs—true equality of the sexes. The spirit of giving and pleasing our spouse brings the marriage relationship to a whole new level of mutual dedication and love. Mutual spousal service is another powerful lesson learned for marriage as the result of the Passover celebration during the Last Supper.

So this spectacular painting is not only pleasing to the eye but also provides a foolproof plan and guide for a terrific marriage and a healthy family life. Not only was Da Vinci a gifted painter, but his genius was the visual expression of God’s will and the example of the proper character behaviors necessary to cultivate a successful marriage. This masterpiece has provided us with visual pleasure and real substance for the feeding of our souls. Yes, this is more than just a world-renowned painting; it is a gift from God.

In this chapter, I will show how the Andreozzi toxic meals were run in such a fashion that was totally opposite to every positive spiritual principle for the governing of a well-functioning marriage and family. In these rather chaotic meal accounts, we will find one reality that is a major contributor of failed marriages today, and that singular reality is the absence of God/Christ as a guide and beacon for marriage and the family.

Chapter 4

Many of the social institutions that make up the cultural matrix of marriage can pose a threat to the institution of marriage and all its family members. This cultural matrix often runs counter to the moral beliefs of a Judeo-Christian value system. The apostle John warned us many, many years ago of the potential evil in a culture that is constantly confronting us with its messages. He referred to this evil as the spirit of the anti-Christ. John also cautions us to overcome this evil when he says, You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4, NIV).

Yes, the evil one out there comes from several different social institutions, but in this chapter, I will limit my review to four different social entities that will be discussed in some detail. It is important to remember that it is difficult to talk of overcoming certain benchmark problem areas in marriage yet not include and cite those specific cultural entities like education, the courts, and other cultural influences, which have profoundly impacted the thinking and judgment of so many people. It is for this reason that this paper will not overlook the negative effects that these social institutions have had on the general well-being of marriage. They must be included as influences for the general erosion of family life in America today.

The first of the four social institutions investigated is the whole industry of educating our children. Much of this study was based on objective measures of academic outcomes for different grade levels. Now, if you simply acquaint yourself with the educational books and education standards of past eras predating the 1950s, it will reveal how dumbed down we have become, just as this brief review will show how our educational standards have been significantly lowered. But this startling reality is further supported with current nationwide testing of educational performance and also of the foreign assessment of American academic performance. Both sources agree that our educational system has failed our students and bled the taxpayer supporters of this educational industry. These are your parents!

Another social entity is closely tied into the social institution of education that I refer to as digital technology enterprise. It is associated with education since much of its enormous profits stem from selling vast amounts of electronic devices to our educational institutions. Parents may be shocked by what my research found in these digital instruments in terms of their influence on academic performance, but even more shocking are the effects on the brains of our students.

I then took a very close review and analysis of our courts with special reference to the First Amendment. We look at some of the recent court cases proven to have essentially destroyed the original intent of this ever-so-important protector of our personal liberties. Some time has been spent in this chapter to show the historical features and social realities that prompted our founders to establish the Bill of Rights. This has particular relevance to the often used phrase of separation of church and state, a total historical distortion of the amendment’s original goal and intent.

Additionally, I discussed more recent social phenomena that have tremendous and far-reaching cultural implications for marriage: male decline. I never intended to discuss this topic, yet the facts on this became so compelling that I could not avoid the controversial subject and its profound implications for marriage. Different sources that interviewed women found there were a larger number of women who said they could not find men who would make good husbands and good fathers to any children they had previously sired in a failed marriage.

The final portion of this chapter deals with how parents have to become the gatekeepers between their children and the negative influences of these four different cultural influences and others. These harmful cultural issues create problems that are seldom discussed in politics, in our synagogues and churches, or town hall meetings.

Chapter 5

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever (Isaiah 40:8, AMP). Though of an entirely different order and status, the words of our human communications are also powerful and can have a lasting legacy, especially in the quality of your marriage. In this chapter on the subject of communication in marriage, I have used the term linchpin to describe the value of communication in marriage or even in a social context. This simply means there is a direct connection or tie to our beliefs and character behaviors, which are carried forward in our communications with our spouses and others. What we formerly discussed in the first two chapters is annexed or tied to every other chapter. Why is this so? Because our character behaviors are realized and manifested in our speech to our spouse. If you entertain a mean, resentful, and negative countenance (negative character behaviors), your communications with your spouse will reflect those negative character features and will be received by your spouse as such. Not good for marriage! Not good for your children! Not good for your health! Not good for your sex life! And not good for pretty much everything else!

What I have tried to show in this chapter is that your words carry consequences in your marriage and in your life. In my clinical experience, I have found that most couples—like the general population—do not realize what power their words carry in their communications.

There are a number of different authors cited regarding their suggestions and recommendations for better communication in marriage, and they are all helpful. There was one particular author who actually compiled statistical data from hundreds of couples that showed that good communications resulted when there was a deep and abiding respect for their spouse, knowing all their strengths and quirks but still enjoying being in their presence/company. It can be that uncomplicated.

However, there is one author (Chapman 1995) who discovered a brilliant fact about marital communications. This revelation, discovered after years of clinical experience treating couples, showed there are five specific types of communication that are important for you to know about your spouse because their individual preference for one or more of the five listed forms of communication will fit their particular love-need communication. For instance, one of the five forms of communication is to spend periods of quality time with their spouse. This particular form of quality time communication makes their spouse feel loved, while the other spouse in the relationship may need one of the other four forms in order to feel loved. Once you know which one or more of the five different love communications is connected to your spouse, you can then communicate them in this particular love form of communication. When this occurs, it results in the filling of your spouse’s love tank. The brilliance and genius of Dr. Chapman’s discovery is in its simplicity, yet something that has not been heretofore realized. Make sure you read and study Dr. Chapman’s five love languages. It can change your marriage!

Chapter 6

Sexuality in marriage turned out to be one of the lengthier and more complex chapters, involving the interplay of physiological, anatomical, and psychological factors. Marital sex can be exhilarating but can go sour in a heartbeat when there is a problem in any one or more of these multiple factors.

The legacy of the garden of Eden seems to have left us fearful and reluctant to openly discuss sexual matters in our social settings, in our churches, and for that matter, it is even taboo in the privacy of our own bedrooms. Why so? I believe some of the reason for this hush-hush attitude is both our ignorance and misconceptions about sexuality and a poor general understanding of the significant physical and emotional sexual differences between a man and woman. These dissimilarities, when not fully understood, can present real points of contention within the sexual life of a marriage. I hope and pray this chapter on sexuality can be helpful to those who are having some form of sexual dysfunction in their marriage.

In order to address and treat sexual conflicts, it is important to first be able to classify a specific diagnosis so you can apply the proper treatment. To simplify and reduce the fog of sexuality, I have made two major categories of sexual problems that I designate as Level One and Level Two of sexual dysfunction. Both levels have their own challenges, but the Level Two category is usually more complex and probably will require a professional who specializes in sexual disorders. In some cases, you also may need a medical evaluation and possibly be considered for medication. However, I have found that the majority of sexual disorders in marriage are not considered for medication and can be placed in Level One because, in most of these cases, there are no significant sexual development issues or a history of sexual abuse—though it can occur. What does occur in many marriages with sexual conflicts is due primarily to lifestyle problems related to excessive emotional stress and little quality time spent with their spouse.

The takeaway message of this chapter is that most sexual problems in marriage are highly treatable. In fact, one of the most common sexual problems in marriage can be removed by making changes in one’s lifestyle, while other more serious conflicts may require professional and or medical attention.

Chapter 7

Medical matters and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. The same certainty of these musical lyrics can be said about the likelihood of some medical illness that will eventually become a factor in most marriages and that of their children. It is this chilling reality that motivated my study of the relationship between illness and its impact on marriage and the family. Little is said about medical issues in the marriage literature, and even less is said on this topic from the pulpit. Yet, my experience with chronic illness in my own marriage and in that of many others has shown how an illness, physical or mental, can completely challenge the stability and integrity of the entire family. These obvious health phenomena led me to find out to what extent the individual could prevent or rein in a potential runaway health destiny in our marriage.

My study of this subject began with a review of the biblical approaches to the issue of health and illness. I found this journey to be very interesting and, at the same time, very revealing! What I found was that many principles of biblical health practices are still relevant today. Of particular interest was how the attitudes about following recommended health principles during biblical times were almost identical in terms of our present-day unwillingness to put into daily practice known health lifestyle regimes by many citizens in our society. This is even more surprising given our present-day level of higher medical sophistication.

The major portion of this chapter is spent discussing the current medical revelations concerning epigenetics, metabolic syndrome, and neuroplasticity. Each one of the medical categories has important health information, which can be made available to all of us and does not take any special medical training to comprehend or appreciate.

I would like to give special attention and focus to the subject matter of neuroplasticity. This is a term that simply means our brain is capable of forming new neurons (nerves) and nerve networks. This factor is of particular significance in changing our false/toxic beliefs and their associated character behaviors and aligning them more closely with God’s Word as outlined in chapters 1 and 2.

The brilliant work of Dr. Caroline Leaf and her protocol of detoxing our thinking of toxic beliefs has been very helpful in enhancing our therapy protocol already presented in chapters 1 and 2. What an unexpected blessing that we should end this manuscript by incorporating Dr. Leaf’s detox program for our concept of questioning and challenging irrational/false beliefs and replacing them with the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A therapeutic innovation made in heaven, so to speak.

The will, when accompanied by knowledge, can give all of you the tools necessary for achieving your own positive health outcomes and those of your loved ones. On your health journey, always remember that Spiritual beliefs have a direct, positive influence on the immune and endocrine systems that are critical for health maintenance and disease prevention (Lipton 2015, 221).

Chapter Synopsis of Themes and Goals

Chapter 1

The theme in chapter 1 is a detailed genesis of false/toxic beliefs that occur because of a less-than-perfect maturational environment and how these false/toxic beliefs form character defects, which further develop into negative character behaviors in adult life. These negative behaviors are responsible for destroying marriages. The goal is to better understand the dynamics and life of false beliefs and how these failings in our cognition are common to all humans as a mark of our fallen nature.

Chapter 2

This chapter deals with challenging and removing false/toxic beliefs and replacing them with biblically-based verses/principles. The goal in this chapter is to identify our false beliefs and understand how they are responsible for our character defects. It is our further goal to remove our character defects and associated negative character behaviors by participating in all aspects of the Four Pillars of Healing, with the adjunct protocol of removing false/toxic nerve networks identified with Dr. Caroline Leaf.

Chapter 3

Da Vinci’s fundamental theme in his pictorial representation of the Passover celebration is how God can free you/us from any bondage, be it the slavery to a substance addiction or the personal slavery of a mental stronghold. The masterpiece itself and the verses associated with the Seder meal also teach us how the life-giving powers of love, respect, and service are models for a successful marriage and family life—lessons that can only be learned in a safe learning atmosphere during table fellowship of family meals. The major goal is to adopt those character traits taught by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper.

Chapter 4

This chapter highlights the powerful impact of the cultural matrix on married life and the raising of children. An influence that has been shown to repeat itself in the way various cultural institutions have had a distorting and insidious effect on the thinking of the collective culture and its values, a thinking that excludes the presence of God. The major goal in this section is for parents to act as gatekeepers for the education of their children, especially for those moral concepts that are absent in the ambient culture, and to be positive role models for these moral and biblical values.

Chapter 5

In this chapter, the power of life or death is the power of communication between spouse and other family members, a theme that cannot be underestimated in the health of marriage. As with other chapters, I have used my own childhood experiences as a teaching model to show how not to communicate. The fundamental goal of this chapter is to encourage couples to get to the point in their relationship by developing the capacity to say whatever they think and feel in a non-threatening and non-critical way with their spouse. Another major goal was for couples to learn the specific love language of their spouse.

Chapter 6

The consistent truth and message in this chapter is the powerful potential of the sexual union in marriage to produce mutual sexual satisfaction and to build a loving and lasting bond with your spouse. The goal is to remove all the various delineated obstacles to achieving the many benefits of mutually enjoyed sex between husband and wife. Another theme was the necessity for a husband and wife to become educated in the actual