Drenched in Grace

By Russell Vale Wise

In the presence of God, the love, mercy, and grace are so overwhelming that I find my tears falling like rain until I am "drenched in grace."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644711910

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Drenched in Grace

Russell Vale Wise

ISBN 978-1-64471-190-3 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64471-191-0 (Digital)

Copyright © 2019 Russell Vale Wise

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

I would like to dedicate this book to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior

My Grandma and Grandpa Loper

My Grandma Guy

My mom and dad

Especially my loving wife, Cindy

And special thanks to my brother, Amos Ardoin

Introduction

When the Lord came to me and made Himself personally known, I felt like Moses standing before the burning bush and when I asked the Lord how do you want me to share with people how you have come to me… God said, Tell them I have come to you in the way that no man can take it from you. It is my honor and privilege to share with the world why I am "drenched in grace."

Chapter One

Lillian Lane

So here I am, 19 years old, addicted to cigarettes and marijuana. I am living in Southgate, California, in a one-bedroom apartment that I rent from my girlfriend’s mother, which was located next door to their house. I met my girlfriend at the age of seventeen and immediately fell in love with her. She was beautiful, Italian from her mother’s side, and I was in love for the first time in my life. She knew I smoked marijuana and she never approved of it, so when I tried cocaine for the first time, I already knew that this was something I would keep to myself. The more I used cocaine, the more of myself was hidden from her. It never is a good feeling to hide even the smallest part of your life from somebody you really love. The last thing I wanted to do was to lose the girl I love with all my heart. I wanted to marry this girl and to have a great big family, but not like this, not the way I am now. When you become an addict, it’s like opening a door to a sinful life of misery.

It doesn’t matter what kind of plans you have because addiction will turn all that around. Needless to say, I did not like the man I had become. Being faithful was always very important to me, especially if I was to ever get married. I told myself I would never get married unless I knew without a doubt that I would be faithful to my wife, and here I am now being unfaithful to the one I love with all my heart. I was so filled with guilt and shame I began to question my sanity knowing full well that what I was doing was wrong. I’ve learned that nobody wakes up in the morning deciding to become a drug addict, but addiction does begin with a choice and one wrong decision could be the beginning to a thirty year or more addiction—at least it was for me. It was my choice to try cocaine once out of curiosity, and I liked it. I liked it so much, little by little I did it more and more. I didn’t question my addiction to it for at least a year or so because to me I was doing it because I liked to, not because I have to, so I thought at the time anyway. But when I attempted to stop using cocaine, I quickly realized I could not stop. And even after realizing that I could not stop, the truth of it is, I was not ready to stop even if I could.

Now my life was not only hidden from her but also hidden from everyone else who knew me. I began to spend more and more time isolated from everyone not wanting anyone to know what I was going through. I was working for my uncle at the time, and I was making pretty good money working at his attorney service. But because of cocaine and the lifestyle I was living, it began to interfere with work. I started making a habit of calling in on Monday mornings saying, I could not make it in due to illness. When the truth of it is, I could not function in the morning because of being up all night on speed. And even if I could function enough to make it to work, I didn’t want to take a chance of being involved in an accident and hurting anyone else and having my uncle lose everything he has worked so hard for. So as more and more time went by, I learned to become a functional addict, if there really even is such a thing. And to be quite honest, nobody ever knew unless I was to share it with them, there were no visible signs, only the guilt and shame that was buried deep within me. Now I have always believed that the eyes are the windows to the heart, so anytime I was on speed, I believed that you could see it in my eyes, which was one of the reasons why I spent so much time alone.

I kind of thought of myself as a songwriter and an artist, and even in the midst of what I was going through, I attempted to start a T-shirt company called Aquatic Images. I did the design work, and Jim from Kroh Screen Graphics would do laser separations and lettering. And because of being delinquent on my taxes at the time and dealing with my addictions, even with all the potential that the company had, I didn’t want to involve anyone else in my current situation. I refused to give up, and I kept a pretty good attitude about life in general. I remember asking God on a regular basis, out of guilt, to forgive me for making the wrong choices and the way I was living my life. Many nights on speed, lying in bed pretending that I was getting some sleep, I would hear voices outside my front door and bedroom window, and it always was the same scenario, the police were ready to break in at any time and expose everything I was hiding and going through. Now I know it was just paranoia and I even knew it then, but when you are filled with such guilt and shame at the time, it all sounds too real. I believe because of the sinful life I was living at the time, God allowed me to be tormented in this way, and that is why I became to know them as the tormentors. And they did just what they came to do.

One day, as I was sitting in my car waiting for my girlfriend to finish getting ready for a night out, I heard a voice, not an audible voice, but a voice speaking to my heart and spirit asking me this, What would you do if the Lord called you into ministry? I thought about what I was being asked, and my first thought was rather instant, it wouldn’t work. My girlfriend and I discussed frequently how we both want to be successful and that we want the finer things in life, so when I thought about being called into ministry, I just didn’t see that fitting into our plans. But when I thought more and more about my answer, it concerned me that I was saying that there is just not enough room for God to fit into our plans and that sent out a red flag in my life.

Now it was sometime later before I realized I had been visited by an angel of the Lord.

You may be asking how I knew that this was an angel of the Lord. Well, there are a few reasons. The first being, though I couldn’t hear the angel audibly, it spoke loud and clear to my heart and spirit. So much so that I thought deeply about the question I was being asked. The second reason is, I was not thinking about ministry or even God at that time. The third reason is, I have never forgotten the question or the answer I gave, and I still think about it to this day. And the other reason is, that wasn’t the last time I would be visited or ministered to by an angel of the Lord as you will later read about.

Now with all that I was going through, wouldn’t you know it, I found out my neighbor two doors down from me was a cocaine dealer and he was nothing like the drug dealer you might see in the movies or TV. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that he did drugs, much less that he is a dealer. He was a southern boy, and he liked to call me cowboy. We spent many a nights playing chess and snorting cocaine. It really opened my eyes as I would watch people come in and out through the night buying cocaine and some already in deep debt willing to sell or trade anything they have.

One night in particular, I remember a very attractive girl coming over to buy some cocaine. I recognized her from high school, and she was one of the most popular girls in the school I attended.

But there was something in her eyes, and I could tell that her life had changed and not for the better. I recognized the guilt and shame that I saw in my own eyes and face. She came over that night to trade sexual favors for a little cocaine because she already owed him too much money as it was. And my neighbor/dealer asked, Hey, cowboy, do you want to take her into the bedroom for an hour or so, so I can give her a little coke and send her on her way? I remember the tears in her eyes out of embarrassment when I said, No, thank you! He let her have some anyway and just added it to her debt. I have seen cocaine chew up the proudest people just to spit them out and they are never the same. And though this dealer was not your typical stereotype dealer, the people who delivered cocaine to him, they were. And he knew if he was ever short on money when they collected, they would hunt him down and kill him without thinking twice. And so when the day came that he couldn’t pay his dealer, he sold most of his possessions and left town not telling anybody where he was going. Sure enough, just like he said, when they came to collect from him and found him gone, they went to his neighbors’ apartments, mine being one of them, to search for him and to leave a message for anyone who might know where he is. He is a dead man, they said, and so is anyone who is hiding him. They will find him, they said and left, never to hear from him or them again.

I learned from that day, that even though I was addicted to cocaine, I had no desire to be a part of that kind of lifestyle in any way. Maybe it was then that I started to see if I could really quit. It was a few months of really trying before I realized that I can’t quit, and that really scared me because for the first time in my life, I was into something that controlled me, I did not control it. I was no longer in control of my own life. I was overwhelmed with a mixture of so many different emotions, my confidence level dropped considerably down to nothing real fast. And to make matters worse, I also began losing my hair at the age of nineteen years old. I do remember asking God to help me deal with it in the way He wanted me to. I only wished I prayed about everything in the same way at that time. The truth of it is, I only knew of God then and did not know Him personally. So now with my dealer/neighbor gone, I began to focus on being a functional addict. That means even having a marijuana and speed addiction, aside from that, my life would be pretty much normal. By the grace of God, I never had the desire to steal to feed my addiction. It was all my extra hard-earned money that went for drugs, and that’s why I am still renting an apartment to this very day. Unfortunately, my wife and children are still having to pay the price for my past and lack of good judgment, to say the least. So back to being a more functional addict, one dealer gone but always another to take his place, only this one doesn’t do drugs himself, he is a businessman. You don’t go to him. He comes to you in one of the limousines that he rents out. He picks you up, you make the transaction, he drops you off, and nobody is the wiser. So you see, life can seem pretty normal even with addictions, but deep inside, when you are left to your own thoughts and feelings, life is anything but normal.

Either way you look at it, you’re living a secret, shameful life, and no matter how hard you try to do your best, you are still a drug addict and it always feels as if you’re giving people the wrong impression of you if they think well of you at all. I still have hope that something will change my life around. I still have dreams of being what… I don’t know, but I’m not giving up.

I believe I was meant for so much more than being an addict or a failure in life. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but it’s not over. As long as I’m breathing, there’s still hope. With God, all things are possible.

Meanwhile, my girlfriend and I were slowly drifting apart, and it was nobody’s fault but my own. I had very little confidence in myself and became more and more insecure about every aspect of my life, especially my future with my then love of my life. One night while I was under the influence of cocaine, I was lying in bed thinking of life, my girlfriend, and how my addictions were destroying any hope I had with either. Once again, I heard a voice speaking loud and clear, not an audible voice but a voice speaking loud and clear to my heart and spirit saying, and I quote, You’re going to lose her if you don’t change your ways. And then, I heard another more loving voice say, and I quote, God knows how much you love her and you know how much God loves you and He would never let that happen.

Now, that’s what I wanted to believe, as I was thinking the first voice was coming from the devil, but as I was thinking just that thought, I heard the first voice speak again, saying, If you think I’m of the devil, why would the devil want you to change your ways?

And that response silenced the second voice. There was no reply to that statement, and I knew that night that I had been visited by two different angels at the very same moment. The first, an angel of the Lord, and the second was a fallen angel. I remember every detail of that moment. I was lying in bed, my headboard faced west, and it was between one and one thirty in the morning. I heard a voice above me, and to my left the angel of the Lord spoke, and I quote, You’re going to lose her if you don’t change your ways. And before even having the time to contemplate what I was being told, the other angel above me to my right responded saying, and I quote, God knows how much you love her and you know how much God loves you and He would never let that happen. Again I say, I wanted to believe what the second angel was saying because it sounded so much more loving than the first angel, plus the fact that I didn’t want to lose the girl that I loved so much. But just as I was thinking that the first angel was of the devil, just to torment me, the first angel responded to my thought, saying, and I quote, If you think I am of the devil, why would the devil want you to change your ways? He (the devil) wouldn’t want me to change my ways, and I knew that without a doubt.

I also knew that the first angel was of the Lord and that he was giving me a warning as to what would happen if I didn’t change my ways. I also knew the second angel was a fallen angel because he spoke to me with two truths and one lie. Let’s examine it. The first truth was, God knows how much you love her. True, God knew exactly how I felt about her. And the second truth was, you know how much God loves you, and that’s true. I do know how much God loves me, maybe to what extent because none of us really knows how much God loves us because God loves us beyond our comprehension. But if you want to know how much God loves you, just look at the cross. Now the lie was this, He would never let that happen. Well, He did let that happen even though it was a few years later as you will read in the next chapter. Now back to the moment with the angels. Was I afraid when it happened? No, not really. I was more afraid of what I was making of my life at that time, but I was afraid of the warning that I was getting from the first angel, especially knowing I couldn’t change my ways. I’ve tried. So how did I respond to what I was told? Well, let’s say even knowing that the warning was from an angel of the Lord, I had to be sure that this was coming from God.

So I opened up the closet door to retrieve my Bible from the closet shelf, a Bible my grandparents got me for Christmas one year. I believe it was the first time I opened and read it. I was looking for anything that had to do with a message from God and how you know it’s coming from Him or not. The first thing that happened when I brought the Bible out was a feeling of disgust and shame. Disgust because of the sin that I was filled with at the moment, almost as if I could hear the devil saying to me at that time, Put that thing a way, the sight of it makes me sick. You don’t need this crap, put it away back in the closet where it belongs. And shame because of being so filled with sin that I had a hard time even franticly searching through the Bible. Almost as if I was agreeing with the devil about opening the Bible in the first place. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about getting into the Word of God, but the truth is, I wasn’t opening the Bible to get into the Word of God but to merely find out if this message is really from God. After struggling with my emotions and franticly searching through the scriptures and finding such passages as Ezekiel 12:25, For I am the Lord! What I threaten always happens. There will be no more delays, oh rebels of Israel! I will do it in your own lifetime! says the Lord God, after skimming through various scriptures, I came to the conclusion that if it comes from God, it will surely come to pass.

So I put my Bible back into the closet and then laid there in bed thinking about all that’s happened that night. After thinking about it for a while, I remember praying and asking God that if this message and warning comes from you, and the day comes that I find that I have lost her, please be with me when I do. Now looking back at that moment, I have always wondered why I didn’t pray that God would change my ways and help me so that I would never lose her. But I didn’t, and I guess I wasn’t ready to change. So life went on, and for years I never revealed what had happened to me that night. And as life went on, so did my addiction, but I really did try to live as much of a normal life as my addictions would allow. Deep in my heart, even going through all that I was going through, I always had the feeling as if God was going to do something big in my life. So you can see how strange it is to have this feeling knowing that my life was a complete contradiction of what God is about. Then also deep in my heart because of my sinful life, I would get the feeling as if I was the last man who would ever be used by God. Because of my addictions, that feeling was more believable than the first.

As the days went by, I kept telling myself, it won’t always be this way. Something has to happen. Something has to change. There has to be more to life than what I was making of it, but nothing ever really changed. The days turned into weeks and the months turned into years.