Why Me: Mourning the Loss of a Child

By Letha Hall

When I lost Austin to a four-wheeler accident, my world came to a screeching halt. It hurt to breathe, and I was completely consumed with heartache, sadness, and despair. How would I survive without Austin? How would I be able to go by his bedroom each day, knowing he would not be there. The pain was excruciating, and I thought my tears would never stop. I went to a very dark place in my life and did not care if I lived or died. As a Christian, I knew Austin was in heaven, but the selfish part of me could not accept his death. Through friends, family, therapy, and prayers, I found the courage to move forward with my life. This book is about my journey to find God again and learn to lean on him. Friends and family will always disappoint us and let us down, but God never will. I offer encouragement to my readers who have struggled with the loss of a child. This book mirrors what each grieving parent must go through and how to accomplish living without our child. We will be forever changed. We will never be the person we used to be; but with determination and acclimation, we will emerge, eventually, more aware of life changes and more in tune to God's will for our lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644244685

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Why Me

Mourning the Loss of a Child

Letha Hall

Copyright © 2019 Letha Hall

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc. 2019

ISBN 978-1-64424-467-8 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64424-468-5 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Austin

The Accident and Funeral

Bitterness

Depression

Prayer

Forgiveness

Suicide

What Is Normal?

Heaven

Healing

Soul Sleep

The Rapture

Stages of Grief

This book is dedicated to Austin Blake Hall (August 9, 1999, to June 20, 2014). We will hold his memory in our hearts until we can hold him in heaven.

Acknowledgments

I am sincerely grateful for the circle of family and friends who have supported me throughout my grieving process. It was an uphill battle, no one should have to bury their child. I would especially like to thank my daughter, Hannah Peterson, and my son-in-law, Chad Peterson, for always saying the right thing to make me feel better. My daughter-in-law, Katie Hall, who always tried to comfort me during my extremely sad times. My granddaughter, Brittany Hall, who tried to comfort me but was also trying to deal with the death of her brother. My other granddaughters, Victoria and Kimber Peterson and Annie Hall, who gave hugs and made me laugh even in my darkest moments. My great-grandson, Nolan, for all the cuddles. My wonderful friends who prayed for my healing and understanding. Their prayers helped me to overcome so many obstacles. Last but not least, I would like to dedicate this book to my husband, James Hall. He consoled me and supported me through many ups and down. I would like to thank him for being the shoulder that I needed, the ears I needed to hear me, and the understanding that I desired. I really do not know how far I would be in my spiritual walk if I did not have so many friends and family who supported me. So to all of you, for giving me back a little piece of myself, I am deeply grateful.

I am also thankful for my son; Chris Hall, Austin’s daddy for comforting me even though he was grieving the loss of his only son. He became such an inspiration during the most heart wrenching circumstances of our lives.

Introduction

What will happen to your perfect and ideal world if your child dies? How will you ever survive the gut-wrenching pain of losing a child? How will you ever endure or live through an affliction such as the death of a child? After all you will never be able to touch, kiss, hug, or talk to your child on this side of eternity.

My grandson, Austin, died in a four-wheeler accident in 2014. He was only fourteen years old. According to NBC’s Nightly News, seven hundred people die from ATV accidents yearly, mostly children under sixteen years of age. In many states, helmets are not mandatory. Would my grandson have survived if he had been wearing a helmet?

According to global issues, 1 child dies every 4 seconds, 14 children die every minute, and 7.6 million children die every year. The sources are very widespread. Many become sick, others are involved in wrecks, some may be self-inflicted, while still others may be due to neglect or abuse.

Since the death of Austin, I have experienced the death of many of my friends’ children. I have heard about many children dying in surrounding counties. I am not very good at public speaking. But I feel as though God is pushing me to write this book and explain how I have managed to survive and persevere.

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself after the death of your child? I remember all too well those suicidal thoughts after losing Austin. But I could not hurt my grandchildren, children, family, and friends more than they were already emotionally damaged. They would already have to live a lifetime without Austin.

Even in death, Austin gave me the most precious gift. I need to use the power of his love to create my grandson’s legacy. I will never get over the loss of Austin, and I have come to realize I will never be the same person.

Eventually I will be able to recover from the anger, sadness, isolation, and utter despair that threatens to consume me daily. I am broken, but through my family, I will become stronger and emerge with a new perspective on life.

I wrote this book to help me accept the death of my grandson. I went through many emotions and cried often. I hope this book will help you as well. The loss of a child is one of life’s greatest pains. Perhaps this book will encourage me to take one day at a time, regardless of how painful it may be. Baby steps; one at a time. I may stumble and even fall, but the most important part is that I will always pick myself back up.

Eventually, I hope to realize that life moves on, even though my world has stopped. I came to realize and embrace all the wonderful memories that I had with Austin, and I will continue to cherish each moment that we shared together.

Austin

I will never forget the moment I held my grandson in my arms. He was perfect in every way. Perfect little toes, perfect little fingers, and precious little smile. It was love at first sight. He entered this world on August 9, 1999.

His future was already undecided because talk of divorce was in the air. I learned to distance myself with Austin. I did not want to lose him to a divorce and become only a weekend grandmom. I was very careful not to give my all to my only grandson.

My husband and I were out of town when I got an urgent phone call from my son. He told me he and his wife were getting a divorce and Austin wanted to stay with his daddy. My son asked if I could help him raise Austin. I did not know how to answer that question. I loved Austin, but we had never really bonded. He was in and out of our lives for seven years. Would I be able to knock down the wall that I had erected for myself? At this time, Austin had been diagnosed with ADHD. As a teacher, I understood the purpose of the medication, but as a grandmother, I wanted him off all medications, which would eventually happen after training Austin to manage his symptoms without medication.

My son took the divorce very badly and Austin became his daddy’s shadow. Only when he stayed with me would he let his guard down. Sometimes, he would fall asleep in my arms with tear-streaked cheeks. As most children from divorced parents, Austin felt so lost and so torn between the two people he loved most in his life.

In second grade, he was blessed to have a wonderful teacher and assistant principal. Austin was prone to meltdowns and had severe anger issues. The assistant principal and his homeroom teacher, a very dear friend of mine, helped him deal with his feelings in a positive and constructive way.

Eventually Austin would begin to spend more time with me because his dad’s work hours were from 7:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m.

Austin would spend the weekends with his mom or dad. His dad would come over often to tell Austin good night and that he loved him, and they would plan weekend excursions.

Austin would prove to be my salvation. He kept me young, and I was as protective of him as a mother hen. As the years flew by, he would show outstanding character and was saved and baptized at our local church. He loved people, he liked to bring a smile to anyone’s face, he loved Jesus, and he brought many of his friends to Christ.

He also had such a free spirit. He wanted people to be treated right, and he worried about the happiness of others. He was known to rebel if you screamed at him. He loved to tell jokes, which were extremely corny, but he would laugh so hard that he would have the whole crowd laughing. He hated to get up in the morning and once fell down a set of stairs holding a cup of coffee and didn’t spill a drop. He was motivated when he needed to be and carefree at other moments.

As I think about him entering seventh grade, I am filled with rage, resentment, and bitterness. I guess the teachers wanted an ideal student. So they began their quest to break my grandson’s spirit. I happened to pick him up from school early this one day. When I entered the office, I saw Austin stand up and heard a teacher scream at him to sit down. I searched the crowd but could not find the teacher.

When Austin and I got in my car, he turned to me and with tears in his eyes, he begged me not to make him go back. The following day, a teacher told me that Austin had been talked to like a dog. The audience was big, with teachers, administration, and students looking on, but no one stepped in to stop the verbal abuse that my grandson was experiencing.

I was livid and reported all the teachers to the superintendent’s office. I doubt if anything was done, but my prayer was that God would exact revenge. But more importantly, I hope, through the death of Austin, all teachers learned a valuable lesson. Words that are spoken can never be retracted. I pray for all teachers that what happened to Austin will not be repeated. I enrolled him in a smaller school. The assistant principle was my cousin and the principal took Austin under his wings and my grandson began to flourish again. His spirit had been broken, but this school helped Austin regain his confidence and self-esteem.

He made wonderful friends and the teachers loved him. As with most students who are met with kindness and encouragement, his grades and attitude improved. He died an honor student, and his classmates still stay in touch with me after all these years. He made such an impact on everyone who ever met him.

I was so proud of Austin. He taught himself how to play the guitar and sing by watching YouTube videos. He would come into our bedroom each night and play and sing an Elvis song. He never went to bed without a hug and a kiss, and he always told us he loved us. I miss that the most.

Sometimes at night, I just imagine him say, I love you, Mama. I would give anything to hear his voice again. But because Austin was saved, I know that I will see him again, so I will always mourn his death but not like someone who has no hope of seeing their child again.

Austin had his whole life mapped out. He would either be an FBI or GBI agent and go to the University of Georgia. He told me he might have to move, but he wouldn’t move too far from home. He told me he would be coming home for fried chicken often.

Austin did not have a girlfriend, but he had many friends who were girls. He did not have a single guy friend, but he had many friends who were guys. To have known Austin was to love him. At the funeral home visitation, he was blessed to have over a thousand visitors. My grandson was loved by so many. He will always be remembered as a kind, sweet, generous, and caring young man. I was so proud of him. I was blessed the day that he entered my life.

I don’t mean to put Austin on a pedestal. He really enjoyed a good argument. He usually won the arguments just because he would argue his point until I came around to his way of thinking. He was very passionate about things that he really believed in. Austin always stood up for students who were being bullied, and he was always surrounded by friends. I never saw Austin alone at games, church events, or public places. He stood out in the crowd, and whenever you saw Austin, it was with a smile on his face.

He went through many ups and downs in his short life, but he was very careful not to lose his faith and believed that there was good in everyone. He would often share his fears with me, and together we would eliminate and reach a conclusion about what was causing his fear and how to fix it. Austin completed me as a person and as a grandmother. He made me understand how much I need my grandchildren and how much they needed me. When he died, I felt like I had no purpose and that no one needed me. I just basically wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Every night I lay in bed and longed for his hugs and his songs. I remember how sweet and caring he was to his cousins, sisters, and nephew. He loved babies and he would have made a wonderful daddy. I know in heaven little things like this will not matter, but they do now. I sometimes fear that I will forget how his voice sounded. How it cracked when he really got excited.

When Austin was upset about something, he would usually retreat to his bedroom and try to sort everything out by himself. He didn’t like strife and tried to avoid it at all cost. Sometimes he would share his feelings with me, but sometimes he would just tuck them safely away.

When Austin was small, he raced motorcycles. He had a four-wheeler before he started pre-K. He rode his four-wheeler at night with his friends and knew how to handle the ATV. What happened that fateful night, I will never know until I meet with Jesus in