Suicide

By Jenny Vorster

Suicide is my life story as a suicidal but also a help to those struggling with it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jenny Vorster
• Release date: Nov 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370409471

Jenny Vorster

My book is called "Suicide". I hope you can benefit from this.

Book preview

SUICIDE

Jenny Vorster

Copyright [2018] Jenny Vorster

Smashwords Edition

About the Cover

I found this face amongst my Mothers personal items. I don't know when she drew it, but there was a time in her life when she was in deep physical pain. Her by-pass operation was not going well. She slept a lot. It was in 2008. To me this picture speaks of deep unhappiness, even deep despair. I cannot think of another emblem that would depict the feeling of even one's soul pain.

My Mother passed away from septicemia in March 2009.

Writer - Jenny Vorster

Illustrations - Jenny Vorster

Book edited by - Yolande Marais

Email - [e-mail]

All scriptures are taken from The Good News Bible, Today's English Version.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1 - Introduction

Chapter 2 - Background

Chapter 3 - The Beginnings

Chapter 4 - Mother

Chapter 5 - The Year 2014 - 2015

Chapter 6 - The Year 2016

Chapter 7 - Something More

Chapter 8 - Poetry

Chapter 9 - Testimonial

Chapter 10 - Practical Solutions

Chapter 11 - Suffering

Chapter 12 - Dave Pedersen (Dad's missing)

Chapter 13 Conclusion

My address

Jenny Vorster • P O Box 13005 • Noordstad • South Africa 9302 • E-mail - [e-mail]

CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION

In 1975 my first attempted suicide was in boarding school in standard 9. I had seen on television how actors had cut their wrists and bled and died. So I got hold of a blade and at 2 am in the morning, proceeded to cut my wrists. The pain while cutting, was excruciating. But no blood came, so I went back to my room and had my first mental breakdown the next morning. All I can say is that the doctor who treated me had said that, had I cut a mm deeper, I would have lost both my hands. Can you imagine not even, ever, tying a button or unable to pick up a spoon to stir your tea. In fact, having no use in your hands at all.

I was only diagnosed with Schizo- Affective Disorder in 1988. By then I had already attempted suicide a few times. The problem with this disorder is that you have moods of deep depression and oppositely, extreme elation, both of which can cause suicide attempts. I also struggled with hearing voices and losing touch with reality. Yes, my moods could be controlled to a certain degree, by medication. But what about you, out there, who are stuck in deep black holes? Who have no way out. Who feel that death seems such an easy option. But something is saying to you, must you do it? Will the pain perhaps go away. But your heart tells you that it is not going away. You sometimes drop hints to your friends about thinking of suicide, but it seems they can't hear you. Every time you attempt suicide, you get braver and more aggressive. Suicide is an absolute hate against yourself and even against humanity. The option of suicide remains so real. So painless. Even kind to yourself.

So where does it leave us? Us who feel so deeply about our unfathomable pain. About trying to make pain less or just go away. Yes, it is 2015 and after all these years of trying to take my life, I have found a way where I don't want to do it anymore. I am free from the bondage of hating life. This year I was attacked and severely bitten by a dog. On my shoulder and my leg. Never had I gone through such physical and emotional pain. But not for one minute did I think it was too much to end my life. I think that in a moment of insanity, of being completely irrational and utterly confused, we resort to suicide – and it remains just that, Bizarre! How could one not, in one fleeting moment, remember that life has ups and downs with a moment of happiness, even so small, here and there. You may say to me that I cannot possibly understand, but I can only give you the pathway I have taken.

All of us had either too heavy a burden to carry or we were caught up in the ways of the world, which made us feel like the worst ever and with no escape. I don't know what drove us over the edge, but I will tell you of how my life was darkened by despair and also how my life was given back to me. How I can actually laugh from my belly again. How people make me enjoy them. How I talk, now, to my closest friends, if I feel hard done by or cannot cope alone. Let me just add, quickly, that it has not been easy. In fact, it has been a road of only uphills.

Remember there is always someone out there who wants to listen, who wants to try and help. I know that at times we have felt beyond help. That even if someone talks to us, we don't even hear a word they say. I have a lot of data of deep cries of despair. This I will share with you, but believe me that the way I found that helped me, is the only way according to me. Nothing else worked. Pain and suffering are synonymous. The one hand feeds the other, but there is a greater hand that is over us and never let's go. Let me begin now to guide you.

Subsequent to this writing and the dog bite that I mentioned earlier, I would like to say the following

The pain that still haunts me from not having suicide as an option remains so very real. No dog biting me can ever beat it. The pain makes you despair so deeply. The damage of people that do not follow and help you leave you bitter and hateful. No, we are not normal. We are different. We need special understanding. Soft and gentle caring. But this world is cruel. No-one can truly understand us. We are actually so alone. Oh, we cry. We talk but the pain does not go away. I really believe that not having suicide as an option leaves us, at times, with unbearable