Drama Merry: A Nicky and Noah Mystery

By Joe Cosentino

Spring and romance blossom at Treemeadow College when theatre professors Nicky, Noah, and their thespian cohorts stage an original musical adaptation of Robin Hood entitled, Why the Merry Men Are So Merry. Things are very merry indeed until some Merry Men drop like tights after a drag show. Once again, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer before their tights are in a knot—around their throats. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining sixteenth novel in this delightful series. It’s a gas! So hurry to your seat. The stage lights are coming up in Sherwood Forest on a Robin in the hood, a sheriff with a bulge in his tights, a not so little Little John, a Friar Tuck drag queen, more Merry Men than in the back room of a family values’ convention, and murder!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Apr 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215381120

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player’s Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O’Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master’s degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plotlines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote…Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and subplots right, left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. Boy Meets Boy Reviews

Every entry of the Nicky and Noah mystery series is rife with intrigue, calamity, and hilarity…Cosentino keeps us guessing - and laughing - until the end, as well as leaving us breathlessly anticipating the next Nicky and Noah thriller. Edge Media Network

This is one hilarious series with a heart, and it just keeps getting better. I highly recommend them all, and please read them in the order they were written for full blown laugh out loud reading pleasure! Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing, I was grinning. Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book, and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series is perfect for fans of the cozy mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. Prism Book Alliance

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries by Joe Cosentino

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle

Drama Dance

Drama Faerie

Drama Runway

Drama Christmas

Drama Pan

Drama TV

Drama Oz

Drama Prince

Drama Merry

DRAMA MERRY

a Nicky and Noah mystery

Joe Cosentino

Copyright 2023 Joe Cosentino

Published in the USA

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover Art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Dedication

To Fred for everything over all these years, to the readers who begged for another Nicky and Noah mystery, and to everyone hoping to meet a merry man in tights.

Cast of Characters

Why the Merry Men Are So Merry Dramatis Personae:

Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing, Director, Sheriff of Nottingham

Noah Oliver, Associate Professor of Acting, Nicky’s husband, Acting Coach, Robin Hood

Martin Anderson, Theatre Department Chair, Professor of Theatre Management, Nicky and Noah’s best friend, Playwright, Maid Marian

Ruben Markinson, Martin’s husband, Producer, Friar Tuck

Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s son, Will Scarlet

Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson, Martin and Ruben’s son, Alan-a-Dale

Sloane Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Taavi’s wife, Maude Lindsey

Detective Jose Manuello, Little John

Shayla Johnson, Martin’s administrative assistant, Eleanor of Aquitaine

Asterisk Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s dog, Robin’s Merry Stud

Tag Tucker Oliver Abbondanza, Asterisk’s husband, Sheriff’s Tail-Wagger

Pierce Falsetto, Assistant Professor of Music, Musical Director, Arthur-a-Bland

Count Choreo, Assistant Professor of Dance, Choreographer, David of Doncaster

Bass Jazzy, Theatre major, Gilbert Whitehead

Spin Vibrato, Theatre major, Reynold Greenleaf

Melody Tempo, Theatre major, Much the Miller’s Daughter

Shinelle Jones, Theatre major, Stage Manager

Cadence Arpeggio, Tenor Harmony, Lyric Baritone, Pas de Deux, Adagio Arabesque, Theatre majors, Ensemble of Very Merry Men

Family:

Bonnie (Mom) Oliver, Noah’s mother

Scott (Dad) Oliver, Noah’s father

Valentina (Mama) Abbondanza, Nicky’s mother

Giacomo (Papa) Abbondanza, ghost of Nicky’s father

The Press:

Rob Hoodie, president of the Robin Hood Fan Club Web Television Network

Alt Right, reporter at Tell the Truth Media

We’ll Never Tell:

William W. Wolf

Officers Rid, Icu, Lous, Scratch, and Sniff

Noe O. Brains of the Dim S. Dirt Modeling Agency

Glitter and Blush, makeover artists at Cross Eye for the Bland Gay Guy TV Show

Chapter One

Emerald Sherwood Forest surrounds a tall, handsome man in a green tunic and hood. His golden hair and sky-blue eyes peek out from a tree branch as thick as the bulge in his tights. Robin of Locksley sadly recalls his family’s estate, seized by Prince John when Robin fought the Crusades in Jerusalem with John’s brother Prince Richard. In a tenor as crisp and luscious as the leaves in the forest, Robin bemoans his fate in the catchy tune, I’m a Homo Without a Home and a Hottie in the Hood. For the last verse, Robin’s dog, Merry Stud, lifts his paw and executes three flips in the air at a sign for an inn: Eat Out, Twink, and be Merry. The sign falls on the inn which falls on Robin’s dog which falls on Robin.

Stop! It’s me Nicky Abbondanza, your favorite Professor of Play Directing, actually the only professor of play directing in picturesque Treemeadow College in picturesque Vermont in picturesque America. Before I begin our sweet (pun intended) sixteenth adventure, let’s do a quick recap for any Nicky and Noah virgins out there. Since you can’t see me, I’m absolutely gorgeous. Okay, back to reality. I’m tall, with dark hair from a bottle, muscles from the campus gym, emerald eyes from contact lenses, and a Roman nose from my Italian American heritage. I can humbly add the little tidbit (though it’s not so little) that yours truly is in the Guinness Book of World Records. Not for directing plays and musicals, a bodybuilding competition, a murder mystery dinner theatre cruise show, a luau show, movies, a runway show, and a television pilot. My heralded listing isn’t for solving fifteen murder mysteries. My claim to fame is a nearly foot long penis—flaccid—an Abbondanza trait from the old country, where my ancestors sold foot long salami. More recently my father, before his passing, owned an Italian bakery in Kansas, where jumbo cannoli were the top seller. Noah Oliver, Associate Professor of Acting (41), and I (48-grr) met here at Treemeadow College named after its original founders, wealthy gay couple Tree and Meadow. Noah is my blond-haired, blue-eyed, creamy-complexioned Adonis. He and I met at Treemeadow, dated, became engaged, married in Alaska, adopted a son in Hawaii, travelled to Scotland, Key West, and San Francisco, and gave our son away in marriage back at Treemeadow. We didn’t really give him away since Taavi and his wife, Sloane, both Treemeadow College theatre majors, live in Taavi’s bedroom at our house. Noah, Taavi, and I wear dress shirts, dress slacks, and blazers. It’s a family thing.

Which brings me to why I am wearing a skintight black leather suit (not what you’re thinking) and standing backstage at our college’s burgundy theatre during spring break. While having dinner at the mansion on a hill owned by my best friend and department chair, Martin Anderson (ancient), his husband Ruben Markinson (equally ancient), and their adopted son Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson (18); my husband Noah accidentally but totally on purpose let it slip out that he would like to play the role of Robin Hood. That sent everyone at the table in motion faster than a past Republican president losing an election and planning an insurrection. Martin cleared the honey mint lamb skewers appetizer and began crafting an original musical entitled, Why the Merry Men Are So Merry. Martin’s husband Ruben, moving away the brie shrimp and crab soup, made calls to arrange the financing. Our son, Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza (19), turned scarlet until I cast him as hot-headed Will Scarlet. His new wife, Sloane Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza (21), sneaked me a clam spinach fontina cheese stuffed mushroom, dropping a hint (and the mushroom) that she’d like to play the sheriff’s maid, Maude Lindsey. Ty used the spoons to rap (on my head) his audition for the minstrel Alan-a-Dale. Martin took caution (and his diaper, dentures, and replaced knees and hips) to the wind (literally), wrapped his silk napkin around his waist, and danced on the table until I cast him as Maid Marian. Ruben followed suit (or dress) by abandoning his hearing aide, defibrillator, and C-Pap, tucking his aging package into a girdle, and claiming his territory as drag queen Friar Tuck. Martin’s office assistant, antagonist, and best gal pal, Shayla Johnson (age indeterminant), claimed the role of Eleanor of Aquitaine, as Shayla said, To show you queens how a real queen takes the stage. My nemesis Detective Jose Manuello (55 going on 90) asked or rather begged me for the role of Little John. His wife, Ariella, agreed that Little John was the perfect role for him. She also designed our costumes, strapping me (literally) into my skintight black leather Sheriff of Nottingham suit, making me a ham in knots. Speaking of begging, Asterisk, our gray and white bearded collie (4), stood on his hind legs and juggled the chicken kiev main course for the role of Robin’s dog, Merry Stud. Asterisk’s husband, Tag (4), a cream-colored Yorkshire terrier, did the same with the flaming cherries for dessert, winning Tag the part of the sheriff’s dog, Tail-Wagger. Dazzling Count Choreo (32), Assistant Professor of Dance, became our choreographer and took on the role of dazzling Merry Man David of Doncaster. Bland Pierce Falsetto (30), Assistant Professor of Music, signed on as Musical Director and as the not so Merry Man Arthur-a-Bland. That left our theatre majors, whose parents wouldn’t let them come home for spring break, to take on the remaining roles and technical positions. City boy Bass Jazzy (20) won the merry part of Merry Man Gilbert Whitehead. His country boy classmate, Spin Vibrato (19), was cast as equally Merry Man Reynold Greenleaf, creating a rainbow of merriment. Sweet Melody Tempo (20) took on the role of Much the Miller’s Daughter. Try saying that three times fast while putting on glow-in-the-dark lipstick. Sassy Shinelle Jones (18) agreed to be our sassy stage manager. Amply filling out the tights of the chorus of Very Merry Men were senior theatre majors (20-21) Cadence Arpeggio, Tenor Harmony, Pas de Deux, and Adagio Arabesque, and graduate assistant Lyric Baritone (22). The bit roles and tech positions were decided upon a bit later. So here I am during tech week, also known as director-assisted suicide week, in the theatre wing—wishing I could fly away.

After typing more notes for the cast and crew than in the score of a Sondheim musical, I held my electronic tablet and throbbing head in my shaking hands. I felt a warm, comforting hand on my sweaty back.

Where are your handcuffs, sheriff? I could use a bit of discipline. Noah giggled naughtily.

Like a rescued prisoner of war, I glanced up at the love of my heart. Can I crawl into your hood and hide forever?

Not unless I’m hiding right next to you.

Noah and I shared a sweet but passionate kiss.

I whispered, The stage is like a war zone. Are you all right?

Noah’s handsome face beamed like a lighthouse in a hurricane. I’m always all right— when I’m with you.

I held his cheek in my hand. Do you have any idea how much I love you?

Give me a clue.

We shared a more urgent kiss.

Our dog Asterisk whined at my feet.

I kissed his head. Asterisk nodded and sat on my boot. His husband Tag collapsed on my other boot. They shared a lick.

Noah took my hands in his. It felt like resting them in the sun. What’s wrong, Nicky?

I sighed like a Jewish mother with a son who isn’t an accountant, doctor, or lawyer. I don’t want to complain. Before Noah could change the subject, I said, The props keep falling into the set, which keeps falling into the actors.

The students on the tech crew are repairing everything in the scene shop as we speak.

My leather costume itches.

But it looks sexy. Noah’s eyes danced.

And our chorus of Very Merry Men are very merry divas.

Noah pinched my bulge. "Want to make merry with me later, Mr. Director."

I caressed his bubble butt. I’m always merry when I’m with you.

I couldn’t fool Noah. What’s else is wrong, Nicky?

Rubbing my forehead, I said, Since our show takes place in Sherwood Forest, I did some research about our forests and the environment.

Okay?

If things don’t change, the scientists believe our planet won’t survive another decade.

Always the optimist, my husband replied, Maybe things will change.

How? The press is silent as Republican legislators, owned by the CEOs of large polluting corporations, block pro-environment laws and regulations. As people blindly vote Republican against their and the planet’s own interest, carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, carbon emissions, mercury, greenhouse gases, nuclear waste, fracking, gas fumes, and coal emissions destroy our air, soil for our food, and our water. Toxic methane gas is emitted into the air as the polar icecaps melt. Dumped plastic and Styrofoam ruin our oceans. Food additives kill us.

But solar, wind, and electric companies are on the rise.

And they don’t have the big bucks to create Super PACS funding the campaigns of Republican legislators.

Noah kissed my nose. Nicky, we can’t solve the world’s problems right now.

Then who can solve them? And when?

The younger generation. We’ll save the day and the planet. Our son Taavi seemed like a Merry Man from Hawaii with his Hawaiian good looks, thick black hair, and scarlet tunic and tights. The environment needs to stick around for our child. Right Grandpop and Grandad?

My heart was beating faster than a priest with an altar boy high on incense. Do you and Sloane have an announcement to make?

Taavi’s wife Sloane flicked back her long blonde hair and batted her dazzling azure eyes. She looked adorable in her white Maude Lindsey maid’s costume. Let’s tell them, Taavi.

Taavi’s cheeks turned the color of his