Drama Christmas: A Nicky and Noah Mystery

By Joe Cosentino

It’s winter holiday time at Treemeadow College, and Theatre Professor Nicky Abbondanza, his husband Theatre Associate Professor Noah Oliver, their son Taavi, and best friends Martin and Ruben are donning their gay apparel in a musical version of Scrooge’s "A Christmas Carol," entitled "Call Me Carol!" More than stockings are hung when hunky chorus members drop like snowflakes. Once again, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer and make the yuletide gay before their Christmas balls get cracked. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining eleventh novel in this delightful series. Take your seats. The stage lights are coming up on an infamous miser, S&M savvy ghost, Victorian lovers of the past, present, and future, a not so Tiny Tim, and murder!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Dec 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005055967

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player’s Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O’Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master’s degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plot-lines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote… Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and sub plots right left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing I was grinning. Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series are perfect for fans of the Cozy Mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. Prism Book Alliance

Nicky and Noah mysteries by Joe Cosentino

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle

Drama Dance

Drama Faerie

Drama Runway

Drama Christmas

Drama Pan

DRAMA CHRISTMAS

a Nicky and Noah mystery

Joe Cosentino

Copyright 2020 Joe Cosentino

Published in the USA

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

It’s winter holiday time at Treemeadow College, and Theatre Professor Nicky Abbondanza, his husband Theatre Associate Professor Noah Oliver, their son Taavi, and best friends Martin and Ruben are donning their gay apparel in a musical version of Scrooge’s A Christmas Carol, entitled Call Me Carol! More than stockings are hung when hunky chorus members drop like snowflakes. Once again, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer and make the yuletide gay before their Christmas balls get cracked. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining eleventh novel in this delightful series. Take your seats. The stage lights are coming up on an infamous miser, S&M savvy ghost, Victorian lovers of the past, present, and future, a not so Tiny Tim, and murder!

Cover Art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Dedication

To Fred for everything, to the readers who begged for another Nicky and Noah mystery, and to everyone who’s a sucker for a good fruitcake.

Cast of Characters

Call Me Carol! at Treemeadow College Dramatis Personae:

Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing, Director, Bob Crotchitch

Noah Oliver, Associate Professor of Acting, Acting Coach, Nephew Fred

Martin Anderson, Professor of Theatre Management, Theatre Department Head, Playwright, Scrooge/Carol

Ruben Markinson, Martin’s Husband, Producer, Ghost of Jacob Marley/Lover of the Past

Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s son, Tiny Tim

Shayla Johnson, Theatre Department Office Assistant, Housekeeper

Detective Jose Manuello, Detective, Ghost of the Lover of the Present

Barrett Knight, Assistant Professor of Music, Musical Director, Ghost of the Lover of the Future

Holly Patton, junior theatre major, Mrs. Crotchitch, Ensemble

Lucas Alencar, senior theatre major, Choreographer, Ensemble

Buck LaRue, sophomore theatre major, Ensemble

Ivy Donovan, junior theatre major, Ensemble

Marc Micklos, senior theatre major, Ensemble

Logan Benton, junior theatre major, Costume Designer

Colton Corrigan, sophomore theatre major, Stage Manager

Roman Giamani, senior theatre major, Set Designer

Alec Griffin, freshman theatre major, Lighting Designer

Ty Wilde, Waif

Family:

Bonnie (Mom) Oliver, Noah’s mother

Scott (Dad) Oliver, Noah’s father

Valentina (Mama) Abbondanza, Nicky’s mother

Giacomo (Papa) Abbondanza, Nicky’s father

We’ll Never Tell:

B. Jesus Outame, Cash Cow, and Peter Young of the Give a Little to God and a Lot to Me Show

D. Cade Hoofer

Mic Michelangelo

Chapter One

Smog swirled through the London street, knighted by delicate snowflakes proclaiming the winter season. Women draped in fancy layered dresses, bonnets, and gloves strolled on the arms of men sporting long three-piece suits with white ruffled fronts and black top hats.

Like an open snow globe, the quaint Victorian village at Christmastime featured a lit candle shop, bay windowed toy store, succulent butcher shop, frilly hat maker, multicolored flower shop, and cozy inn. Festive holiday wreaths and elaborately decorated trees adorned all the establishments, except for one—Ebenezer Scrooge’s Counting House.

Suddenly, jazzy music played as the street inhabitants faced front singing and dancing of their city at Christmastime, Oh de London, It’s Not Only Merry, It’s Gay. During the last refrain, the fog swirls turned into black gusts, and the delicate snowflakes transformed into snowdrifts. Ducking for cover, the passersby screamed and hurried off the street. The shops blurred away like a painting under a faucet.

Stop!

Like a good holiday fruitcake, I’m back. It’s me, Nicky Abbondanza, PhD, Professor of Play Directing at Treemeadow College, loving husband to Associate Professor of Acting Noah Oliver, and doting father of Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza—who calls me the director of his latest show. You’ve probably guessed the show is Scrooge’s A Christmas Carol. As many of you know, Treemeadow College in picturesque Vermont was founded by gay couple, Harold Tree and Jacob Meadow, whose bronze likenesses are celebrated at the college’s entrance—where many a grateful student has relieved himself after a dorm party. Given Treemeadow’s history, we couldn’t do a straight (pardon the pun) version of the Dickens classic. So, my best friend and Theatre Department Head, Martin Anderson, threatened to put coal in his long-suffering husband’s compression stockings if Ruben Markinson didn’t agree to produce an alternative version of the famous play. Ruben, feeling the holiday spirit—and Martin’s shoe in the seat of his leisure suit—secured a grant from the Gay, Gay, and Even More Gay Foundation to cover our budget. Then Martin wrote the book, music, and lyrics to Call Me Carol!, claiming the lead role of Scrooge/Carol for himself, and offering the part of the Ghost of Jacob Marley/Scrooge’s Lover of the Past to Ruben—commenting that Ruben was as old as any ghost. As director, I cast the most talented actor in the country, if not the world, to play Scrooge’s clerk, Bob Crotchitch—me. My husband, Noah, threatened to put anti-freeze in my eggnog if I didn’t cast him as Nephew Fred in addition to his position as acting coach for the show. Our son, Taavi, had a family court judge on his cell phone until I gave him the role of Tiny Tim. New Assistant Professor of Music Barrett Knight agreed to be musical director and play the Ghost of Scrooge’s Lover of the Future—after I reminded him about his upcoming fall tenure hearing. Theatre students not anxious to get home to relatives gloating about their children making big money in the business world were cast as ensemble members. Students also took on the tasks of choreographer, set designer, lighting designer, costume designer, and stage manager. Local Detective Jose Manuello, wanting to keep an eye on the production—and on me—offered to play the Ghost of Scrooge’s Lover of the Present. Let me explain for anyone who hasn’t read the previous ten Nicky and Noah mysteries—and you should! Mystery and mayhem follow me like a Republican president and a stolen Supreme Court seat. My productions are always met with bravos and wild applause. However, they’re also rife with murder—which I always use my theatre skills to solve. Hence Manuello’s interest in me and this show.

Since you can’t see me, I’m thirty-five. Okay, you got me, I’m really a youthful forty-three, tall, with dark hair, emerald eyes, a Roman nose, sexy cleft in my chin that Noah loves to kiss, and a pretty muscular body thanks to the torture devices in our college gym. There’s something else Noah loves to kiss. Brace yourselves, Nicky and Noah newbies. I have a nearly foot long penis when erect. And despite my age, it’s erect a lot. That genetic gift from the Abbondanza line has helped me catch many a murderer, and it has made my father’s bakery a favorite with the women and gay men in Kansas—especially Papa’s cream pie.

Generally, Noah, Taavi, and I wear dress shirts, dress slacks, blazers, winter overcoats, and a long scarf. Since we are donning our gay apparel for this show, we’re outfitted in Victorian-era three-piece suits that are as uncomfortable as a Democrat at an Alt Right meeting.

So here we are at the start of winter break in tech week for our show. For you non-thespians, that’s the week prior to performances when the director generally bemoans his ulcer while suffering a heart attack en route to the psychiatric ward. Sitting in my front-row center seat in the theatre house—clutching my director’s notepad and pen like a surfboard during a tsunami—I called out to the student stage manager at his console offstage left, Colton, what’s going on?

A video camera entered the stage carried by our stage manager, Colton Corrigan. Can you repeat that into the camera, Professor?

Normally at the sight of a camera, Noah, Taavi, and I salivate like reality TV stars edging for an acting career. However, I was growing tired of Colton’s penchant to film anything and everything about our rehearsals. Colton, please put the camera down.

He obeyed. Crewcut blond hair, piercing sky-blue eyes, and a tall swimmer’s body emerged, housed inside a turquoise V-neck sweater and dark slacks. Sorry, Professor. I was interviewing a cast member backstage for my vlog—Corrigan’s Cozy Corner.

Try saying that three times fast with strep throat.

"Not just any cast member. The star! My best friend and department head, Martin Anderson, joined Colton downstage left. Martin, small, bald, beyond ancient, and clad in a frayed gray three-piece Victorian suit, fit the role of Ebenezer Scrooge well. Nicky, since I’m playing an aging miser, I was explaining to the camera how it takes a great deal of makeup to—"

Reduce your real age by fifty years? Ruben, in his Ghost of Jacob Marley/Lover of the Past white suit and silver chains, stood next to his husband.

Martin placed a small hand on his replaced hip. "At least my character is alive."

For the moment. Ruben, tall, thin, with distinguished salt-and-pepper hair, glared down at his longtime husband.

Martin wagged a brown-spotted finger at him. Without me, you would die.

From laughter?

Colton giggled as he filmed the aging couple’s antics. Martin and Ruben joined in the hysterics, embracing each other lovingly.

I cleared my throat. Colton, why was there so much snow and fog on the stage during the opening number?

The sophomore theatre student replied from behind his camera, I must have leaned too hard against the button on the stage manager’s console when I was interviewing Professor Anderson.

And the poor boy no doubt got carried away listening to the gorgeous, moving, and stimulating opening song I wrote, Martin said, as if speaking about a Shakespearian sonnet.

"The song definitely moves me—to the bathroom."

Martin shouted, So does your irritable bowel syndrome, Ruben, but I don’t announce it to the entire cast and crew backstage.

Guffaws were heard from the actors and technicians in the wings.

My temples throbbed like a porn star’s anus after a long shoot. I called out to our student set designer, Roman, why did the set blur like a computer monitor made by a ten-year-old in Guatemala?

Senior theatre major Roman Giamani entered from stage right. His muscular body was contained in a tight black turtleneck and slacks. A Roman nose aptly projected below his dark eyes, framed by bushy eyebrows. I guess the projectors malfunctioned, Professor.

I sighed like a terminally ill patient given another month to live after the Republicans took away his healthcare. Can you fix the projectors?

Roman’s thick fingers scratched at his long dark hair. Do you want me to try?

That, or we can do the show as a radio drama. "Roman, I wanted to use reliable, old fashioned wood-and-muslin flats for the sets. You insisted on more screens and projectors than housed in a multiplex mall."

Roman raised his bloodshot eyes to the lighting grid. You sound like my dad. He’s a carpenter. He chuckled. I just realized something, Professor. I’m the son of a carpenter, like Jesus. And since my dad is my mom’s second husband, I have two dads—like Jesus had Joseph and God.

You should always listen to your father—either of them. There’s nothing wrong with wood and muslin. Though Jesus might not agree—having been crucified on a wooden cross.

Roman cocked his head at me as if I had asked him to create the set with crayons and oaktag. Flats are totally yesterday, Professor. Everybody uses projections now.

Then I hope everybody can fix ours, because at this point we have no set.

Roman shrugged his broad shoulders. I’ll see what I can do, Professor.

As my life flashed before my eyes, I spotted Noah and Taavi descending the stage steps, attending to me like paramedics after the latest school mass shooting garnering thoughts and prayers from the NRA. Taavi, adorable in his brown Tiny Tim rags, took the seat next to me. Offering me the hang loose sign from his native Hawaii where Noah and I had adopted him, Taavi’s dimples emerged like craters in Haleakala. Tech week has gotten off to a rough start, Pop.

You think?

Taavi nodded, and thick dark hair covered his olive-colored forehead. "We haven’t done my scenes yet."

Spoken like a true Oliver-Abbondanza.

My younger husband (by only seven years) looked incredibly handsome in Nephew Fred’s dark blue three-piece Victorian suit. Sitting next to our son, Noah said, Hang in there, Nicky.

Or I could hang myself.

Taavi’s dark eyes glistened like flash paper hit by lightning. Pop, since you brought up my role in the show.

"I did?"

The fourteen-year-old added, I’m thinking Tiny Tim should come out last for the curtain call—carried on your shoulders.

I glared at him.

Resting an arm around me, he said, And all musicals start with a big opening number. Let’s be different and begin our show with Tiny Tim addressing the audience.

At least he called it our show.

I’ll bet Uncle Martin can write me a catchy song and dance.

I replied, "Tiny Tim can walk on only one leg. And since when is my best friend your Uncle Martin?"

Taavi grinned. Since he’s the author of the play, and I need another song.

Noah pulled Taavi off me. Taavi, you know how fragile your pop is during tech week of a show.

I’m trying to make the play better, Dad.

I rested my head in my hands. I’m beginning to think the ghost of Ziegfeld couldn’t make this extravaganza better.

Noah’s crystal blue eyes softened, and so did my shoulders. Nicky, we have our own ghost.

The Ghost of Jacob Marley slash Lover of the Past played by Ruben? I asked.

No. Noah’s golden locks surrounded his smooth forehead, pink cheeks, and creamy neck like a halo. The ghost of theatre. He rose like a Shakespearian actor delivering a triumphant soliloquy. Whenever noble people come together for the purpose of putting on a show, the ghost of theatre is always in our midst, lifting us up when we need it most, and performing a miracle by tech week’s end.

I sighed. "We’ll