Drama Dance: A Nicky and Noah Mystery

By Joe Cosentino

Theatre professor Nicky Abbondanza is back at Treemeadow College directing their Nutcracker Ballet co-starring his spouse, theatre professor Noah Oliver, their son Taavi, and their best friend and department head, Martin Anderson. With muscular dance students and faculty in the cast, the Christmas tree on stage isn’t the only thing rising. When cast members drop faster than their loaded dance belts, Nicky and Noah will once again need to use their drama skills to figure out who is cracking the Nutcracker’s nuts, trapping the Mouse King, and being cavalier with the Cavalier, before Nicky and Noah end up stuck in the Land of the Sweets. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining eighth novel in this delightful series. Take your seats. The curtain is going up on the Fairy—Sugar Plum that is, clumsy mice, malfunctioning toys, and murder!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Aug 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463809051

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player’s Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O’Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master’s degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plot-lines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote… Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and sub plots right left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing I was grinning. Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series are perfect for fans of the Cozy Mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. Prism Book Alliance

Nicky and Noah mysteries by Joe Cosentino

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle

Drama Dance

DRAMA DANCE

a Nicky and Noah mystery

Joe Cosentino

Table of Contents

Cast of Characters

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Epilogue

About the Author

Other Books by the Author

Copyright 2019 Joe Cosentino

Published in the USA

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Theatre professor Nicky Abbondanza is back at Treemeadow College directing their Nutcracker Ballet co-starring his spouse, theatre professor Noah Oliver, their son Taavi, and their best friend and department head, Martin Anderson. With muscular dance students and faculty in the cast, the Christmas tree on stage isn’t the only thing rising. When cast members drop faster than their loaded dance belts, Nicky and Noah will once again need to use their drama skills to figure out who is cracking the Nutcracker’s nuts, trapping the Mouse King, and being cavalier with the Cavalier, before Nicky and Noah end up stuck in the Land of the Sweets. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining eighth novel in this delightful series. Take your seats. The curtain is going up on the Fairy—Sugar Plum that is, clumsy mice, malfunctioning toys, and murder!

Cover Art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Dedication

To Fred for everything, to the readers who begged for another Nicky and Noah mystery, and to everyone who loves a pair of seats to The Nutcracker, or just a pair of nuts.

Cast of Characters

Cast and Crew of The Nutcracker Ballet:

Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing, Director and Mouse King Understudy

Noah Oliver, Nicky’s husband, Associate Professor of Acting, Acting Coach and Cavalier Understudy

Martin Anderson, Theatre Department Head/Professor of Theatre Management, Drosselmeyer

Ruben Markinson, Martin’s husband, Props Master

Taavi Kapule, Nicky and Noah’s son, Fritz

Shayla Johnson, Theatre Department Office Assistant

Anya Nikolaev Dietrich, Dance Department Head/Professor of Ballet, Sugar Plum Fairy

Otto Dietrich, Associate Professor of Modern Dance, Anya’s husband, Choreographer

Naabih Bahri, Associate Professor of Jazz Dance, Cavalier

Duffy O’Donnell, Assistant Professor of Tap Dance, Mouse King

Thomas Bighorn, Dance student, Nutcracker

Caterina Lamas, Dance student, Clara

Piero Lamas, Dance student, Caterina’s brother, Nutcracker Understudy

Liz Canton, Dance student, Clara Understudy

Nate Owen, Theatre student, Stage Manager

Joseph Hook, Dean of the Arts

The Family:

Bonnie (Mom) and Scott (Dad) Oliver, Noah’s parents

Valentina (Mama) and Giacomo (Papa) Abbondanza, Nicky’s Parents

Police:

Detective Jose Manuello

Press:

Rose Carlyle

We’ll Never Tell:

Broadway Danny Ruse

Herr Schickelgruber

Boris Slavsky

Dick Catcher

George Bulgeanchine

Chapter One

The Victorian-era playroom was adorned with wallpapered walls of pink and gold swirls. A large window hovered over a cushiony toy chest. Standing guard on one side was a grandfather clock and a pink chaise lounge on the other. Elaborately decorated gift boxes of all shapes and sizes stood between them. Cherished music played as couples in elaborate gowns and vested tuxedos executed a promenade at the Stahlbaum’s holiday party. Little boys in knickers galloped with their toy horses, and sweet girls in frilly party dresses danced with their dolls. A small, thin, elderly man entered in a puff of smoke, causing a hush in the room. Uncle Drosselmeyer, in a maroon suit, motioned for pretty young Clara, dressed in white, to join him next to the Christmas tree adorned with gold balls, candles, and garland. Clara’s younger brother, Fritz, joined her with mischief in his eyes. The adults and children left the playroom, except for Drosselmeyer, Clara, and Fritz. The lights in the room flickered as the bald man waved his tiny arms and magically produced—a garlic crusher.

What happened to the nutcracker? I asked from the front row center orchestra, resting the notepad and pen on my lap.

Ruben Markinson entered the stage from the wings. I couldn’t fit a nutcracker up Martin’s sleeve.

Martin Anderson dropped his Uncle Drosselmeyer persona and sneered at his husband. So you expected Clara to dance with a garlic crusher?

Ruben replied, "It’s less absurd than you dancing on stage at your advanced age, Martin."

Martin glared at his longtime companion. My body is a temple.

And it’s in ruins! Ruben replied.

We’re back! For you Nicky and Noah mystery virgins, let me explain. I’m Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing at Treemeadow College, a quaint college in picturesque Vermont. Treemeadow was named after the quaint gay couple who founded it: Harold Tree and Jacob Meadow. They are immortalized together in bronze at the quaint college entrance—to the delight of every pigeon in the county.

I had taken a sabbatical from teaching to direct and star in a Broadway play and direct two movies. But when producers responded to my calls with, Don’t call us—ever again, I realized that those who can, do; those who did, teach. So, missing my college more than a hooker misses a john with a fat wallet and narcolepsy, it was back to Treemeadow for me, where I was recently promoted from Associate Professor to Professor. For you non-academics, that means I make more money now. But I don’t teach and direct shows for the monetary rewards. I do it for the ulcers and heart attacks. This semester, after teaching my theatre classes at accelerated hours, I finished my classes mid-semester; and my department head and best friend, Professor of Theatre Management Martin Anderson, loaned me out to the Dance Department to direct their December production of The Nutcracker ballet. Since I have gotten myself out of many traps, I also agreed to understudy the cheesy role of the Mouse King.

For the carnally conscious, I’m tall, with dark hair, a cleft in my chin, emerald eyes, a Roman nose, and long sideburns. I have a muscular body, thanks to the gym on campus—and to my fear of giving into gravity now that I hit the big four zero.

My husband of five years, recently promoted Associate Professor of Acting Noah Oliver, as usual joined me as the production’s acting coach. Noah’s dance training in college made him a perfect understudy for the Sugar Plum Fairy’s Cavalier. By the way, Noah is seven years younger than me. But it doesn’t bother me. At all!

Noah is gorgeous with golden blond hair, sea-blue eyes, milk-and-honey skin, and a tight little body. We both always wear dress shirts, dress slacks, and blazers, except to bed. Speaking of clothing, to my tailor’s horror and Noah’s delight, I have a nearly foot-long penis when erect. Had I been a caveman, I wouldn’t have needed a club. A gay porn star would hang his head (both of them) next to me. Why am I telling you this? I tell you everything.

As for the rest of the cast and crew, elderly Martin is playing Clara’s elderly Uncle Drosselmeyer. Martin’s equally elderly husband, Ruben, agreed to be our props master. Dance faculty members took on the roles of the Sugar Plum Fairy, Cavalier, the Mouse King, and choreographer. The star dance students were cast in the roles of Clara, Clara’s understudy, the Nutcracker, and the Nutcracker’s understudy. In the ensemble, the remaining senior dance students filled the roles of the parents, and the freshmen were cast as the children. I brought my theatre student, Nate Owens, along as stage manager. Other theatre students are doing the set, lights, sound, and costumes.

Finally, due to his vast talents, and my nepotism, Noah’s and my eleven-year-old adopted son, Taavi Oliver Abbondanza Kapule, was cast as Clara’s brother, Fritz.

Now back to the action.

I said, Ruben, we cannot use a garlic crusher. Martin, you can pull the nutcracker out of your pants leg.

And look like you, Nicky? Martin winked.

Ruben handed the red-and-white nutcracker to Martin. I’ll ask the costumer to sew a large pocket inside Martin’s jacket and put the nutcracker in there.

I’ll look like I have one pectoral muscle! Martin said with his hand on his hip.

One is better than none, Ruben said.

I rubbed my tired eyes. We’ll hide the nutcracker behind the tree, and Martin can grab it from there.

Ruben ran a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair and then adjusted the collar of his maroon leisure suit. Careful not to undo the latch at the nutcracker’s chin, Martin.

Our adorable son’s adorable dimples made him look even more adorable in his knickers, ruffled shirt, and jacket, which matched his olive-colored skin. Far more mature than his Fritz character, Taavi said, I unclasp the latch when I take the nutcracker from Clara. So it looks like I broke it.

Right, Taavi.

He offered me the hang loose sign.

I continued the scenario. Caterina, as Clara, you then use the white sash around your neck as a strap to hold the nutcracker’s jaw in place. Then you do your dance.

About the sash. Dance student, Caterina Lamas, scratched her short dark hair and batted her large dark eyes. It’s kind of boring. Like this dress.

I sighed. Clara is a young girl.

But she marries the Nutcracker at the end, Caterina replied.

And they aren’t even cousins from a red state. What’s your point, Caterina?

Caterina said, This little white dress is bland and stiff.

What would you like to wear? I asked.

Liz Canton, Caterina’s understudy, looking nearly identical to Caterina, whispered in my ear from the second row, Caterina no doubt wants to wear the pasties and G-string from her strip act. And a boa instead of a sash.

Caterina’s brother, Piero Lamas, our Nutcracker understudy, shushed Liz from the seat next to her.

The theatre walls and the flats on stage are gold and pink, Caterina said. "Why can’t I wear those colors."

Because you’ll stand out in white, I explained.

It’s certainly not due to her virginity, Liz whispered, followed by Piero’s groan.

Undaunted, Caterina said from the stage, And the choreography is so…pedestrian.

Excuse me? Associate Professor of Modern Dance, choreographer Otto Dietrich, rose from his seat front house left like a volcano ready to erupt. Is there a problem with my choreography?

Actually, yes. Caterina came downstage center. I do a glissade, arabesque, and every other tired out old ballet move.

Afraid to hear the answer, I asked, What would you like to do?

Caterina demonstrated. Can I add a few shimmies, a pelvic thrust, and a crotch rub?

I rest my case.

Will you be quiet! Piero said to Liz behind me.

Otto explained, "The producer requested a traditional ballet."

Rising, I said, "Caterina, this is The Nutcracker ballet, classic family holiday entertainment."

Liz rose from her seat in the second row. The costume needs to be white because the story is a metaphor for abstinence until heterosexual marriage.

Piero glared up at her. Come again?

No, don’t cum at all—until heterosexual marriage, Liz replied.

Piero stood next to her. What the hell are you talking about?

Liz explained, In the story, the Mouse King’s mother put a curse on Prince Nutcracker to turn him into wood. That is symbolic of his not having sex. Then Clara’s love brings him to life. He fights the mice, meaning his sexual urges, and then he goes with Clara to Winterland, a sign that Clara is frigid. Then they go to the Land of the Sweets, where he is tempted but doesn’t indulge in any sweets—meaning gay sex. After the Sugar Plum Fairy heterosexually marries them, Clara and Nutcracker go off on their winter sleigh to one day raise a family.

You’re out of your mind.

Liz replied to Piero, Are you mocking my deeply held religious beliefs?

Yes.

Then you are discriminating against my evangelical Christian religion. I will have to report this to the lawyer for our Christian group on campus.

Piero and Liz looked comical arguing in their Nutcracker and Clara understudy costumes.

Liz, someone disagreeing with your religious beliefs isn’t discrimination against them, Piero explained. "What’s discrimination is you trying to tell other people how to live their lives."

I glanced at my watch. People, it’s ten o’clock, only a few days before opening night. We’ve gotten through only the first scene of our tech dress rehearsal. Can we please get back to work?

Liz and Piero took their seats. Caterina (Clara) rejoined Martin (Drosselmeyer) and Taavi (Fritz) on stage. The classical music resumed from the speakers. Martin presented Caterina with the wooden nutcracker doll. Taavi snatched it and broke it. Martin scolded Taavi. Caterina forgave Taavi, who went off to bed. Then Caterina mended the nutcracker with her sash. Martin waved his arms more dramatically than a pedestrian facing a speeding train, a herd of buffalo, and a tour group. As I was just about ready to ask Ruben for a prop tomato, Martin finally exited. Caterina did her dance with the nutcracker—as choreographed by Otto. After she fell asleep on the chaise, the music changed. Martin’s head appeared in the grandfather clock.

Help! I can’t get out of here!

Stop!

Nate Owen, our theatre student stage manager, hurried onstage in black jeans and a black turtleneck. His thin blond hair flew in various directions as he helped Martin out of the clock. Are you all right, professor?

My shoulder’s bruised. Who made that thing anyway?

Ruben appeared at the side of the stage. "That