Drama Oz: A Nicky and Noah Mystery

By Joe Cosentino

The Treemeadow College theatre crew stage an original musical adaptation of The Wizard of Oz, entitled Friends of Dorothy, at a summer theme park in Key West. Quickly cast and crew members melt away like a witch submerged in water. Nicky, as the Wizard on stage and off, must save the show and figure out whodunit. Once again, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer before a witch’s fireball sends them up in smoke. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining fourteenth novel in this delightful series. It’s a scorcher! So follow the yellow brick road. The stage lights are coming up in Oz on a girl with a dog who is one hot bitch, a wicked witch who would kill for a new pair of shoes, a sexy Wizard, a Scarecrow sitting on a big pole, a Tinman with a giant can of lube, a Lion with a long tail between his legs, plenty of monkey business, and murder!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Jun 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005487485

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player’s Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O’Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master’s degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plotlines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote…Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and subplots right, left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing, I was grinning. Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book, and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series is perfect for fans of the cozy mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. Prism Book Alliance

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries by Joe Cosentino

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle

Drama Dance

Drama Faerie

Drama Runway

Drama Christmas

Drama Pan

Drama TV

Drama Oz

DRAMA OZ

a Nicky and Noah mystery

Joe Cosentino

Table of Contents

Cast of Characters

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Epilogue

About the Author

Other books by Joe Cosentino

Copyright 2022 Joe Cosentino

Published in the USA

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover Art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Dedication

To Fred for everything, to the readers who begged for another Nicky and Noah mystery, and to all friends of Dorothy everywhere.

Cast of Characters

Friends of Dorothy Dramatis Personae:

Nicky Abbondanza, Director, Wizard of Oz

Noah Oliver, Nicky’s husband, Acting Coach, Scarecrow

Martin Anderson, Nicky and Noah’s best friend, Author, Aunt Em/Glinda the Good Witch of the North

Ruben Markinson, Martin’s husband, Uncle Henry/Wicked Witch of the West

Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s son, Tinman

Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson, Martin and Ruben’s son, Lion

Bria Newkirk, Dorothy

Pip Manning, Toto

Taz Zaman, Munchkin Leader

Topper Tucker, Winged Monkey Leader

Todd Bright, Ensemble Member

Technical Crew:

Lija Sharif, Musical Director and Choreographer

Connie Wong, Technical Designer

Gabriela Boada, Costume Designer

Ava Boada, Gabriela’s daughter, Costume Assistant

Drew Gateway, Stage Manager

Family:

Bonnie (Mom) Oliver, Noah’s mother

Scott (Dad) Oliver, Noah’s father

Valentina (Mama) Abbondanza, Nicky’s mother

The Law:

Detective Rick Boulder

The Press:

Tru Trend, gAy-List Network

Dim Red, P.B. Network

We’ll Never Tell:

Al Dente

Prince Aladdin and Prince Ali Baba

Zap and Zing

Ghost of Joseph Smith

CHAPTER ONE

A rooster’s crow heralds the start of a new morning on a farm in Kansas. A small elderly woman wearing a housedress matching the gray bun on her head comes out of the farmhouse. At the sight of her overflowing bucket, penned pigs, goats, cows, and horses come to attention for their morning meal. A tall, thin, aging man in black overalls sticks his pitchfork into a pile of hay as gray hair covers his forehead. Aunt Em and Uncle Henry share a, Good morning. Lively country western music plays, and they belt out a hand-clapping song, Goin’ Down on the Farm, which leads to bump and grind choreography between the couple and the animals. When a horse rubs against her, Aunt Em hollers, Who do I look like, Catherine the Great?

You’re way older than the eighteenth-century Russian empress, my love, Uncle Henry retorts.

Stop! Hello Nicky-and-Noah fans, it’s me, your favorite armchair (or rather play director’s chair) sleuth, Nicky Abbondanza, PhD, which in my case stands for Pretty Hot Detective. I’m not a real detective. I actually solve all of my cases. This one’s number fourteen. But who’s counting? Me! I’ve directed plays, musicals, a runway show, bodybuilding competition, movies, and even a television pilot at Treemeadow College in picturesque Vermont, where I am a Professor of Play Directing in the Theatre Department. However, I’m not in Treemeadow now. Where am I? Here’s the story. My handsome, loyal, and wonderful husband, Noah Oliver, Associate Professor of Acting, and I planned a lavish summer vacation cruising (no pun intended) the Mediterranean with our teenage son, relentless thespian and co-sleuth Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza. Reality and a migraine struck when Noah and I remembered our salaries as college professors. So recalling our free trips to Alaska (for staging a murder mystery dinner show on a cruise) and Hawaii (for directing a luau show), Noah and I discreetly let theatre producers know we might be available for summer stock. In other words, we begged for a job. We turned down offers from Arab and African nations where being gay is a crime punishable by death. We’re funny that way. Instead, we took a (slightly) less risky job in a blue dot in the red state of Florida: the new Wizard of Oz Theme Park in Florida’s Key West. The park features beloved costumed characters chased around the yellow brick road by screaming children wielding the Wicked Witch of the West’s crystal ball, Dorothy’s slippers, and the Tinman’s oil can purchased at exorbitant prices from the Emerald City gift shop. Park activities include Throw a Fireball at the Scarecrow, Drop a House on the Wicked Witch of the East, Burst Glinda’s Bubble, and Munch with a Munchkin. The themed restaurant features Green Witch Warts, Flying Monkey Droppings, and Uncle Henry’s Jellyroll with Aunt Em’s Bread Box. The thrilling ride attractions enable visitors to spin in a tornado and land on a Munchkin, dive into Toto’s basket, and ride in a hot air balloon with a Wizard full of hot air. But I digress. Back to the only thing that really matters—the theatre!

At the center of the park is an enormous enclosed theatre that would make any tax-exempt billionaire televangelist green (pun intended) with envy. So, the park management hired me to direct an original musical production of the much-loved classic based on the original books by L. Frank Baum. The stories where Dorothy’s slippers are chic silver, and her post-adventure comeback line is simply, I’m so glad to be home again.

My first decision was to cast the most charismatic and talented actor I know as the Wonderful Wizard of Oz—the wonderful me. At forty-six with the body and maturity of a twenty-one-year-old (both courtesy of the gym at Treemeadow College) and hailing originally from Kansas, I was a perfect fit for the Wizard—unlike my costume. With my olive skin, dark hair, and over six-feet tall status, I admit I looked quite dapper in the Wizard’s three-piece Victorian suit which matched my emerald eyes. My tapered trousers were trim in the waist, hips, and inseam. Hence the big problem—or the big asset depending on the situation. You see, my nearly foot-long penis—unaroused—though Noah’s treasure, has been a costumer’s nightmare. So while our costume designer, Gabriela Boada, and her daughter and assistant, Ava, took out my slack’s inseam (causing it to be an outseam), I wore my contemporary dress slacks.

My thirty-nine-year-old youthful (grr!) husband’s milk-and-honey face turned to scarlet until I cast him as the Scarecrow (and the cast’s acting coach). Actually, Noah, having grown up in a Wisconsin dairy farm, was perfectly cast as Dorothy’s first friend in Oz. Our seventeen-year-old son, Taavi, threatened to put a curse on me from his native Hawaii until I offered him an oilcan and the role of the Tinman, Dorothy’s second cohort in Oz.

My best friend, department chair, and mentor, Martin Anderson, filled out a pink slip (no pun intended) with my name on it until I asked him to write the new musical, which he appropriately titled, Friends of Dorothy. I cast Martin’s husband, Ruben Markinson, in the dual roles of Uncle Henry and the Wicked Witch of the West. This prompted Martin to strap me into his chairlift and use his diaper as a slingshot to lob his C-PAP machine at me until I cast Martin as Aunt ‘Em and Glinda the Good Witch of the North. Their sixteen-year-old son, Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson, strangled me with Martin’s compression stockings until I cowardly gave him the role of the Lion. And we were off to see the Wizard.

So here I sit, front row center at the technical dress rehearsal of our extravaganza as the evening hours drift by like piercing arrows to my brain. Everything is coming together as smoothly as a QAnon member storming the Capitol under orders of a past Republican president.

Martin pointed to the dancer playing the horse. The young man’s bare torso and full brown jockstrap gave hung like a horse a new meaning. That horse is even more hung than you, Nicky. And a whole lot friskier!

I typed on my electronic tablet, Why didn’t the twister cart off Aunt Em?

Our designers sat in the audience wearing their techie blacks, watching the run-through to take notes. Gabriela Boada, our costume designer, leaned forward from her second-row seat. The shapely middle-aged woman ran a hand through her long dark hair, and her dark eyes widened. The horse costume includes a long tail, Martin. It’s bound to graze against you. No pun intended.

Martin placed an arthritic hand on his twice-replaced hip. It wasn’t the horse’s tail that grazed me.

Our musical director and choreographer, Lija Sharif, perched her small body on the arm of a seat near Gabriela’s. The young woman’s exotic onyx eyes blinked under her short black hair. Martin, the song is a snappy country western tune. The choreography—and the dancers—have to move around the stage.

Ruben stood next to his husband onstage, towering over the little man. Please excuse Martin, everyone. He’s suffering from SSS disease.

I bit. What’s that?

Stroke, senility, and schizophrenia.

Try saying that three times fast in a swimming pool.

Martin said to his husband, Unlike you with our marriage, I am trying to make the opening number work.

Then exit the stage when the song begins, Ruben replied.

And give you a solo? Never!

The husbands collapsed into each other’s arms, laughing at their antics.

Will you two please can the hammy comedy? I kneaded my temples like unrisen dough. Martin, the ensemble members of our show are working hard in their numbers and also during their costume changes from farm animals to Munchkins to Ozians to Flying Monkeys.

Martin pointed to the horse dancer. "That one violated me."

The attractive young man removed the horse head, shook out his long blond locks, and batted his baby blue eyes. Hello, everyone. I apologize. My peripheral vision is limited in the costume. And the yellow light is somewhat blinding.

Connie Wong, our technical designer, wrapped her thin arms around her thin body, and called out from her third-row seat, It’s morning on the farm. Beady dark eyes emerged beneath her crewcut. The lights need to be bright in this scene.

Hello, Connie. I can totally work with that. The chorus boy added, Hello, Martin. I’m sorry if I accidentally pressed against you during the opening number.

Martin’s tone changed faster than a Republican-gerrymandered voting map. He smiled revealing a row of dentures, batted the dark eyes under his cataracts, and said to the ensemble member, Hello…

Todd Bright.

Todd Bright. Don’t give it another thought. Accidents happen. Martin glanced down at Todd’s bulge. I appreciate your athletic supporter. I mean, I appreciate you as a supporting actor.

Set your pacemaker back to low, Martin. Ruben smirked. You’re old enough to be a character in that young man’s ancient history book.

Martin coyly patted the sides of his Aunt Em bun. Ruben, what would you do if I ran off with a handsome, muscular, young, chorus boy?

Before I’d have him committed, or after I’d throw the freedom party?

You would perish without me like one of your hernias post-surgery.

Their son Ty entered the stage, his dark skin, hair, and eyes, highlighted in his furry sepia Lion’s costume. He applauded his fathers’ antics. You go, Grandduke and Grandpadre!

Martin and Ruben took a bow.

I cleared my throat instead of clearing the theatre. Now that you two have finished that little performance, can we get back to the tech dress rehearsal?

While we’ve stopped—

"You’ve stopped, Martin!"

—I have a question about my Aunt Em costume.

I bit my lip until it bled. What’s wrong with the costume, Martin?

His thin finger traced a thin line around his thin eyebrow. Uncle Henry’s fashion-tragic overalls fit my husband perfectly. But shouldn’t my Aunt Em’s outfit have my panache, style, and bravura?

Gabriela spoke up. Aunt Em is a farm woman in Kansas.

But can’t she be an elegantly dressed farm woman in Kansas?

I felt hotter than a Scientologist left overnight in a steam room to sweat out alien matter. Martin, the costume stays. You, however, may be replaced by a member of the ensemble if you don’t finish the scene!

Martin sulked. I just asked a question.

Well start acting and stop asking questions!

Unless the question is why are you still acting? Ruben replied.

Martin and Ruben shared a good laugh. Ty joined them.

I was more frustrated than a Republican at a Voting for All rally. Ty, off the stage. Ruben and Martin, back to your positions at the end of the opening song. Thousands of park attendees (and the park’s company manager who pays us) are expecting a show this weekend. So continue the tech dress!

A warm, familiar hand took mine. I glanced up at the love of my heart, my best friend and salvation, and the Watson to my Holmes. My husband Noah sat in the theatre seat next to mine and placed my head on his comforting shoulder. His silky blond locks caressed my cheek, and I was enveloped by the scent of sweet strawberries from his shampoo. You know the old adage about rough tech dress rehearsals, Nicky?

Yeah, they kill directors. So how about I put on Todd’s horse costume, and you put me out of misery?

He kissed one of my long sideburns. "As much as I’d like to see you in the