Spirit Being Human: Discovering Resilience After Trauma

By Hazel Rose

Everything happens for a reason. Soon after the initial trauma has subsided, the universe provides a golden opportunity to hear the language of light within to grow, heal, and become a stronger, wiser, and healthier person.

In a unique journey of self-discovery, Hazel Rose leads others through her traumatic experiences while growing up in a small island community in North Queensland and later as she encountered tragedy, accidents, a family breakdown, domestic violence, drugs and alcohol, rape, confrontations with the law, and repeated violent relationships. While detailing her life journey, Hazel also documents her accounts of the fight, fright, and freeze responses in her body and how this propelled her spiritual growth as she found a new path from her darkest challenges to a remarkable recovery where she reconnected with spirit through yoga, meditation, and the arts, discovered an inner sanctuary, and realized the importance of community, family, and friends.

Spirit Being Human shares a journey of self-discovery as a trauma survivor discovers resilience through yoga, the arts, her spiritual connection, and much more.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Jan 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9781982296520

Hazel Rose

Hazel is a proud mother and Grandmother with thirty years experience in therapeutic services and yoga. Hazel is a qualified Arts Psychotherapist and is continuing her studies in mental health. Hazel and her husband offer therapy, respite, retreat and farm experiences from their private property in South East Queensland. https://foggylookout.com.au/ Spirit Being Human – Discovering Resilience after Trauma, is Hazel’s first published work. She is continuing to write to bring light to topics relating to body, mind and spirit and recovery from trauma.

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Copyright © 2023 Hazel Rose.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-9651-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-9652-0 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 03/22/2023

The body is a treacherous friend. Give it its due, no more.

Pain and pleasure are transitory, endure all dualities with calmness, trying at the same time to remove yourself from their power.

Imagination is the door in which disease as well as healing enters.

Disbelieve in the reality of sickness even when you are ill, an unrecognised visitor will flee!

—Sri Yukteswar

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments and Gratitude

Introduction

Defining Trauma and Resilience

1 Tears of Birth

2 Mala Bay Traumas

3 Prayers Answered

4 Our Divine Creator

5 Fear

6 Scoot, the Island Dog

7 The Lunch Shed

8 Horses

9 Spirits

10 High School in Mainland

11 Surviving Tumours and Teens

12 My Teacher, My Bully

13 Going off the Rails

14 Paranormal Contact

15 Mel’s Murder

16 The Voice Inside

17 My Teenage Pregnancy

18 Leaving Home

19 Domestic Bliss

20 Alone

21 The Violent Home Invasion

22 Dirty Cops

23 Trust Your Gut

24 Spooks in the House

25 My Future Husband

26 Home Is Where the Heart Is

27 The Sheet Thief

28 Life-Affirming Books

29 My Little Blossoms

30 The Voice Within

31 Yoga

32 Brackenville

33 From Burnout to Breaking Point

34 Hitting Rock Bottom

35 The Rebuild

36 The Messages

37 In the Moment

38 The Family Remains

39 Splashing Some Paint

40 Mind–Body Connection

41 The Ulysses Butterfly

42 Domestic Violence

43 Death

44 My Yoga Initiation

45 Trance Dance

46 Lost in the Music

47 Black Dog

48 Just Say No

49 Life after Death

50 Home Alone

51 Retreat to Reconnect

52 Mum’s Departure

53 The Psychic Medium

54 Mick’s Return

55 A New Chapter

56 Love Later: Ron

References and Suggested Reading

Preface

Writing has always been a personal healing tool for me, a creative outlet for a lot of confusion and bottled-up emotions. I always wrote to vent, usually from the perspective of the victim in the story. I was great at catastrophizing what had happened to me. I would amplify the negative impact and often miss the underlying, often hidden, universal truth. I would stay put inside my trauma bubble.

These days I recognise that when I write, there is another voice inside that is not a victim but an all-loving, wise, calm voice that puts things into perspective through me. I just need to trust it is there and let it flow. Everything that happens to us happens for a reason, and soon after the initial trauma has subsided, there, ready and waiting for you, is a golden opportunity to grow and heal.

Self-development is really integrating life’s experiences, creating awareness and insight, and coming out of it all a stronger, wiser, and healthier person.

Yoga has made a huge impact on my life, and I am not just talking about the postures; I am talking about the whole inward experience.

With the title of the book, Spirit Being Human, I lean into the reality of a deeper awareness within us all. We are more than just bodies living lives on earth, more than human beings. I believe we are spirit beings before and after we manifest human bodies on Earth, and I believe we come here with a purpose, so essentially we are spirit being human. I write about my traumas, the impact on my physical body, and how my spiritual connection has always helped me find resilience.

I often listen to music, write, dance, draw, paint, and drum to tap into that energy source within me for solace. Some might call this meditation or prayer; to me it’s quiet reflection time. Even if I am making a noise with music, voice or percussion, there is a quiet place inside of me that is a large part of who I am. I am not religious, but I believe with all my heart in a higher power, an all-loving presence, Mother Earth and Father Sky—the yin and the yang, the positive and negative. The whole is neither positive nor negative, but both, and I recognize the line in between where an all-loving acceptance of both polarities occurs. It is Oneness and All that Is, presence in the moment, and much, much more.

No one is here by accident; there is a plan in place. We don’t have to be concerned about what that plan is, but only about our parts we play in the grand scheme of things. Please be aware that my stories are based on actual events; all names and places have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

Acknowledgments and Gratitude

I would firstly like to thank my adult children, for they are the lights that guide my soul in the dark. I am so blessed to have them choose me. These beautiful souls flew into my life from heaven, and as I cared for them when they were small, they have supported and cared for me in my vulnerable times.

Thanks to my husband, who has laid the foundations for a life of love and trust; he supports me in everything I do. He has inside him one of the biggest hearts, which is filled with love, empathy, and compassion; he inspires me daily.

Much gratitude to my parents in heaven, who held a seemingly happy home for my brother and me for the first eleven years of our lives. As we grew up on a tropical island, their love, support, and guidance meant everything, especially when we could not see the road ahead.

Heartfelt thanks to all the communities of people who welcomed me into their space over the years.

Lastly, the special few who helped me over the line with my studies and the writing of this book, thank you I could not have done it without you.

Introduction

Keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life.

—Kahlil Gibran

For many years, I was unable to express my truth. I was completely scared to speak up, but I have always felt that I need to write and create. Verbal expression has been extremely hard for me, but I knew I needed to write and create for my healing, and maybe this writing will inspire more creativity and eventually clearer verbal expression. That is my wish.

I believe we come into the world as spiritual beings and, as we live our life on Earth, we learn. We aspire to experience rewarding, meaningful human adventures. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could leave our lived-in human bodies when we decided to, as conscious beings, a little wiser, more content, and changed by our lived experience on Earth.

What happens if we experience trauma, tears, death, lies, shame, and regret? What becomes of us then? How do we experience life through the lens of trauma, and can we overcome the long-term effects of complex trauma later in life, even if the trauma occurred at a very young age or in utero?

Everyone has a story and is exquisitely unique; whether you are young or old, your story is valid and important. Whether we express ourselves through books, music, art, crafts, or other creative tools, we all have unique masterpieces inside us. Our perceptions of our experiences are made up of unique colours, patterns, senses, and signatures of our individual life journeys. This is mine.

In this book, I highlight the traumatic events as individual stories that occurred at various times in my life, and I explain how these events have stayed with me and shaped my behaviour. These traumatic events can finally be shared with you, from my safe place. I have stopped running and can reflect without feeling the intensity of these usually triggering memories. For me these stories link with the energy of the base chakra in yoga.

Defining Trauma and Resilience

Trauma is an event that threatens your life or safety or the lives of people around you. It is an experience that is stressful and has a significant impact on your emotional state. A traumatic event could be a natural disaster such as a fire, flood, or earthquake. Trauma could be a result of experiencing a severe accident or a physical or sexual assault. Losing someone close to you or witnessing a traumatic event can also leave you traumatised. Medical references to trauma are usually made under the umbrella term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trauma can also be experienced as complex (C-PTSD), as during a time of repeated traumatic events (such as abuse, neglect, or violence). Trauma might be very real or perceived as real and different from anything you’ve experienced before, and it can be hard to make sense of. Experiencing trauma might leave you with many questions about your safety and your control over your life. It can be especially challenging to deal with these feelings if you’re also dealing with other changes in your life, such as getting a job, managing relationships, or moving to a new residence.

Resilience is the fine art of bending and not breaking under stress, threat, or adversity. Developing resilience is a slow process that often starts with not coping or not having the ability to recover quickly from setbacks. When we recognize ourselves bending under pressure or even breaking, those moments are moments for conscious choice. The moments need to be identified as points of power and of change, and we must slow things down so we can be fully present in that moment. In my case, I feel the pressure and stress happening, but I am okay in that moment; I am somehow detached and able to bend.

No matter how much we try to predict our future, we must always be prepared for the unexpected. Life and shit happens despite our best intentions. When I was young in the 1970s and ’80s and had a number of traumatic experiences, I just kept going, never allowing myself time to process. I talked to friends and family briefly about the experiences, but then we just carried on. Now I know that carrying on is like sweeping something under the carpet; the shit, or the trauma reaction, is still there.

This action of denying the mind, body, and emotions can have disastrous effects later in life, so I found out. And negative patterns of behaviour emerge when you least expect it. A camouflaged slowly repeating pattern can gradually change the way you think and act as a human being. The biopsychosocial model created by George L. Engle shows that interactions between body, mind, and social and environmental factors determine the cause, manifestation, and outcome of wellness and disease.

For me, resilience after trauma requires a strong connection with spirit and the following foundations:

• Safety: Safety can be found in a safe place to express oneself creatively and begin to make sense of the traumatic experience. Perceived safety for a traumatised person is linked to positive therapeutic outcomes.

• Relationships: Maintaining strong therapeutic alliances and forming positive peer connections is vital for trauma-informed care. Sometimes family is just not there.

• Remembering: Lifelong memories need to be explored through creative timelines to contextualize what is past, present, and future.

• Reconnection/community: By actively reconnecting with trusted others, we build resilience intrapersonally (with self) and interpersonally (with others).

Resilience is established if we can feel safe enough in our relationships to unpack and explore our inner selves outwardly. We gain control and prevent the relapse of trauma symptoms by developing our own senses of autonomy and self-care moving forward. I think this is why I am compelled to write; after moving forty-four times in fifty-three years, I can finally say I have found my safe place where I can remember and process with support and love from those around me. I still get the urge to run or leave often, but I know now it’s only a pattern of behaviour caused by my past traumas. I know it’s okay to just take a break and get away. It feels wonderful to come home reenergized after that break too! My connection to spirit helps me turn trauma into healing and fear into love.

To heal after complex trauma, we do not need to remember details. Using expressive arts, psychotherapy, and yoga, we can learn to process our traumatic memories and associated feelings and behaviours with infinite tools at our disposal. This provides us better functionality in daily life. Our physical bodies remember trauma and keep score, so be ready to receive wisdom through the energy inside your body.

Pain is just trapped energy; it’s the body’s way of saying, This is your time to heal, your time to care for yourself. Pain is not your enemy; it’s your treacherous friend.

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Tears of Birth

Let us make no mistake: being born is a trauma, made better or worse by the way we experience the birth process, the environment, the people around, and even the demeaners of the nurses, doctors, and midwives present.

Though I don’t consciously remember the day I was born, I did get to find out about it years later, thanks to a psychotherapy workshop I attended in the late 1980s and a following conversation with my mother about the day I arrived. Our subconscious minds can hold experiences and perceptions of real-life events, and our bodies can hang onto physical stress responses long after the threat or trauma is gone; I know this because I have the lived experience of this.

At the time I was living at our property southwest of Blue River City in Queensland, I had married my husband, Chris, and had had my first child, Mathew. I had been introduced to a whole community of spiritual people through my friend Petros, and he introduced me to Teresa. Teresa was a host for weekly meditation and healing groups. Teresa also offered bodywork and private healing sessions. I went along to the evening groups and attended week-end workshops with Petros, and I began to find new meaning in life. Chris would stay with Mathew, and I would go out with my friends to my spiritual self-development groups. I was eager to learn about myself, breath, energy, and the mind and emotions.

I usually spent my spare time reading nonfiction books on paranormal experiences, ghosts, UFOs, self-help, and natural health and spiritual healing. Baby Mathew and I regularly visited mum for a coffee while Chris was at work. Mum would always chat about what was happening in her life. Often, I could not get a word in without being rude, and I usually felt I had to filter my stories and experiences because of her negative bent on most topics. Feeling heard by my mum was always an issue for me. Mum had strong opinions on many topics and was always eager to tell anyone who would listen to her about her experiences, even if the person had heard them before. She loved telling her stories.

When I shared my unusual psychotherapy and rebirthing experience with my dear mum, it led her to sharing her memories of my birth. What Mum said blew my mind. It was as if twenty-two years suddenly vanished. This was so unbelievable to me, and I explained to Mum about my rebirth experience I had had. How could I explain it? What I felt was very hard to explain in words, but it was as though I reexperienced myself as a newborn as clearly as on the day I was born. At twenty-two, I relived moments of my birth back in 1968. I was crying to be heard in the present moment.

During our coffee, I asked Mum about my birth in 1968. Why do you want to know about that? she asked in her strong English accent.

Well, I had a rebirthing experience a few weeks ago that I need to understand better, Mum. The facilitator suggested I talk to you about the day I arrived. Do you remember the day I was born?

She drew back the smoke from her cigarette, flicked the ash into the ashtray that sat on the small table next to her armchair, paused on the inhalation, looked directly at me, and said, I can tell you about it. Then smoke gushed out with her words. I didn’t know what bloody happened to me. One minute I was standing at the kitchen sink doing the morning dishes, wearing only a nightie, and I suddenly felt as if I had peed myself. She laughed. Warm water was running down my legs. The waters broke. It was such a bloody shock because you weren’t due until Christmas Day.

Were you happy I was coming two weeks early?

Yes, we were excited, and we thought we better bloody hurry up and get to hospital. Your father drove me to the hospital then went back home to look after Jimmy. [My older adopted brother, who was only fifteen months old at the time.] The whole bloody thing was a nightmare.

She rolled her eyes, took another long drag on her cigarette, and continued: Well, things in 1968 were not like they are now in our hospitals. All the nursing staff were more concerned about their bloody Christmas party happening that night than worrying about me having my first baby. They did not give a bloody shit; they were all rushing and trying to get me to hurry up and have this baby so they could all go and get drunk at their party.

Mum stared into space; clearly the experience was not a pleasant memory for her. She stubbed out her cigarette and blew her smoke out with a sigh.

Oh no, I said. So they made you feel rushed and stressed? I asked.

Of course they bloody did. They just wanted to get to their Christmas party, didn’t they? Mum was still annoyed all these years later. I was with complete strangers, didn’t know them from a bar of soap, and they had zero bloody bedside manner. They were rushing everything. They told me to push, and nothing was happening. Then they cut me so you could come out quicker. They gave me needles. When you were out, I was rushed into emergency with excessive bleeding. I hate bloody hospitals.

Things were hectic for Mum that day, but I had arrived by dinnertime at 5:50 p.m. on Friday, December 13. The hospital staff Christmas party was happening nearby. Mum made it very clear she was not happy. She was given more drugs to calm her and make her sleep. I was taken from Mum and put into a crib in the hospital nursery.

You cried nonstop all night, which irritated the nursing staff because they all wanted to go to the party.

I was placed in an isolated crib in the nursery down the hall for the night. I cried for many hours. Mum never held or nursed me, and from what I understand, no one was there for me for many hours after my birth.

This explains the long waves of hysterical crying that came up for me during the rebirthing session in the hall. I reexperienced that traumatic feeling, but this time I did it in a safe, open environment with plenty of supportive people who chose to be there. I understood Mum’s side of the story; she was sedated and needed to rest. The staff were unavailable, so any support was minimal.

Much later in life, when I was doing my arts psychotherapy degree, I learned a lot about John Bowlby (1907–1990), who was a British child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst known for his theory on attachment. He emphasized the importance of a secure and trusting mother–infant bond on development and well-being.

Mum said that my brother was a very placid baby and that I was the complete opposite because I cried all the time. According to her, I would drive them all bloody mad. Maybe my constant crying was my way of saying I needed to feel safe. I needed to be held. This lack of mother–infant bonding time following my arrival was the beginning of a repeated pattern of behaviour in my life. As a child, I often felt unheard and unacknowledged, as if I was scared and I could never find the words to express my feelings. I was their annoying and demanding baby who came after they adopted placid little two-week-old Jimmy. My parents had tried for ten years to conceive their own baby before they chose to adopt. And I suddenly appeared on their radar. There is fifteen months between Jimmy and me.

Bowlby’s attachment theory studies led him to discover the effects of maternal deprivation—a situation in which the mother is either nonresponsive or absent for long periods during the child’s first two years of life. Bowlby believed that children have an innate need to develop a close relationship with one leading figure, usually the mother. When this does not occur, it has consequences for the child’s development, causing a decline in the child’s intelligence, as well as increased depression, aggression, delinquency, and lack of empathy.

In my case, this was enhanced by Mum’s parenting style. Back then it was the norm to leave the baby alone regularly so that it cried itself to sleep. Mum resisted the natural urge to go in to calm the child—me. She stayed strong and kept her distance because that’s what she was taught to do in the late 1960s. She would often advise me as a new parent with Mathew, my first child, Oh, for God’s sake, Hazel, smack him, will you? Smacking was the usual punishment for a screaming child for Mum. She would rant out loud when we were out shopping together if there was any screaming kids. That woman needs to give that kid a bloody good hiding, she would blurt out within earshot. It was really embarrassing that Mum had no filter when it came to disciplining other people’s children.

It made sense that I never did very well at school. I struggled with maths and reading. My brother and I fought a lot because he was good at everything. This annoyed me, and sometimes we got a hiding for fighting. I have lots of good memories of growing up with my family, but for some reason it’s the bad memories that come to mind first. Does that mean I was a traumatised child by today’s standards? I think so! Fortunately, things relating to raising children have changed a lot.

My rebirth experience happened in a group psychotherapy workshop setting with about twenty-five other people. I needed to integrate and understand this rebirthing process that I experienced. If I entered the world the usual way, through my Mum, then how did I reexperience sensations from that moment of birth in a workshop twenty-two years later? It was crazy, but I will explain more in my next book, Spirit Being Human 2: Understanding Energy.

My curiosity and interest in breath and energy were peaking. I felt as if I was embarking on a new incredible journey into spirit. I wanted to learn everything I could about my spirit (my energy) and being human and the mystery of arriving on Earth. Spirit comes here to be human. I am spirit being human.

After the first workshop with Teresa, I started to piece together the reason I experienced such an unusually long and emotional rebirth session. The facilitator brought this to my attention on the first day when she said, Most first rebirths do not go so long, but we will all support you and your needs, Hazel. Other attendees also commented on the ongoing nature of my sobs.

Two other participants were supporting me on the mattress on the floor of the enormous hall. Even though I felt supported, I spontaneously started bawling my eyes out after hyperventilating. The tears came in waves, and they did not stop, ebbing and flowing for what felt like a long time. I remember Teresa coming over to me to guide me and my team gently out of this strange full-body experience. She recommended that I go home and have a chat with my Mum about the events that took place on the day of my birth. She said it was very important that I do this.

Teresa was an amazing facilitator and compassionate woman, a former Catholic nun who had studied with Leonard Orr. She suggested that I read the book Rebirthing Made Easy by Colin P. Sisson.

Petros, the friend who had originally encouraged me to attend the workshop with him, was equally well travelled and knowledgeable and informative on spiritual matters and energy. I knew very little about yoga, pranayama, breathwork, rebirthing, trauma, or psychotherapy then. I was only twenty-two, but things started to make more sense for me after reading the Sisson book and many other articles and books after my experience. Teresa and Petros would give me photocopies of interesting information and stories whenever they saw me. There was no Google back then.

Mum never really came to understand my interest in breathwork, yoga, and meditation; none of my family did.

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Mala Bay Traumas

The reason I am writing about the traumas from early life first is because these experiences have shaped me—made me who I am. There are many beautiful beaches and bays on Granite Island, and Mala Bay was my favourite place on the entire island despite the trauma that occurred there. Large granite rocks surrounded the cozy beach, and the aqua-blue ocean was always clear and refreshing. I always had fun playing there as a kid; some days the surf was up enough to ride the waves, the water littered with seaweed, and other days it was calm like glass.

Nobody really knows what happened to Alex Sands that day on the beach. My brother and I knew Alex from the Coral Bay primary school, which we attended along with 106 other kids. In