My Journey from Slate to iPhone: A Soliloquy

By Dr. Soudamini Menon Nath

"My Journey from Slate to iPhone" is an unforgettable memoir that is masterfully written as a soliloquy. The book shares the author's life and the knowledge she acquired from reading and observing others. Throughout the course of the book, readers will come across the inspiring lessons that the author learned from reading other books and discourses.

Also included are some of the poems that reflects her daily life, thoughts, and events. Readers also will come across some short stories that she wrote during her spare time. This is a gripping autobiography that everyone will enjoy as readers learn to understand who the author is, how she lived her life, and where she came from.

Masterfully written by Dr. Soudamini Menon Nath, this autobiography shares a remarkable journey that will allow her family and readers to trace her roots. This is a unique story of growth and self-discovery that will resonate within the hearts of all readers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9781667886428

Book preview

Title

DISCLAIMER:

This book has been abridged from my journal in which I used to write my thoughts and life events. I’ve learned from my own experience and from others through their writings or discourses, or was inspired by their writings, some of which I share here.

I’ve tried to indicate from where I’ve got the information, which I have pointed out in the manuscript; however, there are a few of those that I do not recall where I got from. Pardon me for using them here. I learned from them and was inspired by them, and I hope these would inspire others as well. So, for those who contributed this information, I give my heartfelt thanks; you helped me to hold the helm when the sea of my life was rough.

I have shared in this book the thoughts that came up in my mind, which I tried to analyze to find answers. It is a soliloquy. Please don’t cast any hard feelings. If you learned a thing or two from my experiences, if it helped you with your own thoughts and doubts, I will be grateful. If it bothered you, just ignore and continue with your own thoughts.

Certain quotes or topic may be repeated in this book. This is because this book is sectioned out by categories. Therefore, in order to make a point, I may have repeated, quotes or examples in order to make clear of that category. For example, you may find something in the subject of ‘God’ and may find the same thing repeated in ‘Religion’ or ‘Views’.

I may be quiet, but I am not a mute.

I love peace and all things cute.

My Journey from Slate to iPhone

A Soliloquy

©2021 Dr. Soudamini Menon Nath

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 978-1-66788-642-8

CONTENTS

Inspirations:

Dedication

The goal for my writing

From a slate to the iPhone

The person who I am

The Root

Life in Malaysia

Life back in India

Life in the United States

Becoming a mother

Marriage, love, and relationship

A tribute to my late husband

About Death and Dying

Do you work to live or live to work?

The Role of Money and Major Life Work and Career

About Health and Wellbeing

Regrets

The Holidays

Spirituality and Religion

God

A few of my testimonies

Gratitude

Values

My Legacy

Views

A Cloud in the Wind (Short Stories)

A Compilation of My Poems

A closing note

INSPIRATIONS:

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be. —Patanjali

I hope your dreams never come true, but I hope you live a life that you have never dreamed of . —Sadhguru

To leave the world a little better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition, to know that even one life breathed easier because you have lived; this is the meaning of success —Ralph Waldo Emerson

DEDICATION

I know, I did not achieve what I started out to be—have a profession as a doctor;

My recipe for a good married life had side-effects of seizure;

In the eyes of many, I may not seem to be a perfect prospect,

But when I look at my only son, whom God has gifted me, I know that I got something in my life perfectly right.

I know I couldn’t have done it all by myself; because I saw footprints in the sand.

Thank you, God.

Yes, I lived a life that I never dreamed of.

THE GOAL FOR MY WRITING

I always wrote in my journal. When I was a teenager, I realized that one of my uncles was sneaking into and reading my journal. I was so mad that I tore all the documents into pieces and decided not to put down anything in paper again. Of course, there were no computers then. After many years, when life started to strangle me increasingly tighter, when I was about to bloat and burst with constrained emotions, when my liver qi stagnation caused severe liver wind, which then started to spiral upward consecrating me with a dizzy crown, when I felt like screaming for justice, I decided to vent my feelings by writing. Of course, by that time, there was what you call the computer.

It was 2004 when I restarted my journal. I named it ‘A Soliloquy’ and buried it within so many other documents that no one could even guess it was my journal. As years went by, as my emotions splattered, I had to expunge them using poetic license. I inoculated my dilemma with poems. Therefore, I also integrated my poems into my journal. This helped me immunize myself to life, which was a constant bashing of trials and tribulations.

The documents started to grow in volume. I always included life’s lessons learned, how I overcame obstacles, what inspired me to move forward and not to stay depressed, my views and values in life, etc. I thought these were valuable lessons I learned from reading others’ books, life stories of great people, and my own experiences and observations. These helped me in my voyage of life. I hope that one day my son or whoever has to go through such experience can learn from this. That is when I realized that if I were to die, no one would know this journal existed. I started thinking of ways to put all of it together in a book format. One day, I read a book called The Treasured Writings of Khalil Gibran, which is a compilation of his essays, poems, etc. This inspired me to put my journal in a book form. So, once I retired from my job, I decided to organize my journal. But I did not know how to put it all in a book form. The question I needed to address was, Where do I start?

Since I retired, I’ve never been a couch potato. I’ve tried to keep myself busy with reading, writing, painting, gardening, etc. I also heard that playing Mahjong would help sharpen the memory. When I inquired about it, someone directed me to the Irvine Senior Center.

However, upon reaching the center, I remember seeing a flyer on guided autobiography. I couldn’t help but wonder, if God answered my question? It was as if someone had guided me to the Irvine Senior Center so I could start writing. I set Mahjong aside and joined this group for about eight weeks. This class gave me a head-start to putting my journal into a book form. It is interesting that right after I got what I wanted to start my book, COVID-19 lockdown kicked in and the Irvine Senior Center was closed for public. I had plenty of information that I needed and I had plenty of time to write my book.

An acquaintance of mine asked me how I kill time now that I am retired and alone. When I mentioned about my writing, she asked, ‘Who is going to read it?’ I did not reply to her at that moment. But the following thoughts went through my mind:

I am writing things down to recollect my own memory. I am grateful that I’d already found out as much as I can from my mother about our family so all that information did not die with her. I wanted to document my life’s journey. I may be an ordinary woman in the eyes of the public. But I am an extraordinary and unique creation of God. There is no other like me.

Hopefully, I lived a life that others can learn from. I don’t have to think of what others think or value of me. It is for me to give my best to whoever wants it most. I know I have tried to live my best with whatever greatness or inadequacies I have. I tried to make the best of all situations that God put me in. I’ve learned a lot in my walk of life. I want to share it with others. There are always people to critique and there are always a few who can benefit from my experiences. If I can touch the heart of those few, I consider myself fulfilled. This reminds me of my favorite quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

‘To leave the world a little better: whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.’

I liked the movie, Forrest Gump. Forrest may appear to some as a little slow. But God gave him some unique characteristics, with which he made himself extraordinary. Each and every one of us has some extraordinary gifts. It is up to us to bring it out and contribute to the world. It is the God-given gift. You don’t have to be famous or live an extraordinary life in the eyes of the public. Live an extraordinary life in the eyes of the creator—call it God. He designed you with such tenacity, with all your inimitability. There is no other You in this world. Be your best with what you have; that is an extraordinary living.

FROM A SLATE TO THE IPHONE

I am a survivor, who went from using slate to iPhone in my lifetime. Yes, we used slate and slate–pencils in school. I used it in my first, second, and third grades, when I was in India. We used either slate pencils or chalks to write on our slates (notebook). We used pieces of cactus to erase what is written on the slate as there were no erasers then. As we walked to school, we would hop around the roadsides to pick our favorite cactus, which came in different sizes and shapes. This brings back a memory:

As my uncle had a stationary/grocery store, he used to give us slate pencils for free. When I get a new slate pencil, I used to be so excited. Initially, I had a hard time to write with it, fearing that I may wear it off fast. One day, as our tutor was teaching us, I failed to pay attention because I was so engrossed in admiring my new slate pencil. I was about four or five years old then. He hit me on my hand with his stick, trying to get my attention. Unfortunately, the stick also hit on my pencil and broke it. I was more upset over the broken pencil than having got hit; I started to howl and cry. My uncle came running and after enquiring what had happened, he immediately scolded the tutor, saying, I don’t want you to teach by hitting children. If you can teach without such punishments, you may continue; otherwise, you can leave. My uncle then consoled me by carrying me to his shop and getting me two new pencils. He was one of my father’s younger brothers. He was a quiet man but very loving.

One day, after many years, as we went shopping in one of the kitchen tools and appliance store, in Seattle, I spotted a slate cutting board. I was holding my iPhone in my hand. I told my son how we used slate as our notebook in school. He and his wife were surprised that I went from using slate to iPhone!

Yep, that is quite a change indeed. So, this is my experience of life, the way I remember it, from the day I started to write on a slate to now, when I am using my iPhone. I have come a long way, babe.

THE PERSON WHO I AM

Who am I?

I may be quiet, but I am not mute;

I love peace and all things cute.

I am a Libra; I fight for justice;

I seek fairness in every premise.

Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.

-Susan Cain, in her book The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – Quiet -

Well, Susan described me perfectly well. I am an introvert and I don’t hate people.

I am the hero of my story. I am a good actor. But when the curtain falls, I crimp and apply bandage to my wounds so as to heal and prepare myself for the next scene. I can describe myself in three words: private, private, private. I vent myself in writing and reading. Here is a story of my life, a life where I never got what I wanted, but I got all that I needed.

My name

My name is Soudamini. I was born in Kerala, India, in a village, called Kodumb, into a matriarchal family. In the early stages of my life, I used to hate my name. When I first came to the United States, as people had a hard time to pronounce the name, my husband decided to introduce me as Sue. The first three letters of my name are spelled as Sou, which is pronounced as Sue in this country. Although they find it difficult to pronounce my full name, they end up saying, Oh, what a beautiful name; what does it mean? I usually give them a short and sweet answer to avoid too much talking. I would say, ‘It means lightning’, although it has other longer versions.

In the early years of my life, I used to hate my grandfather for giving me this name and I used to hate my parents for not naming me whatever they liked. I was so angry with my parents for choosing such an ugly and old name. My mother told me that it was my grandfather who chose that name. My mother wanted to name me Premaletha—Prema derived from Prem, which means love. Letha means vine. I really like that name. But in those days, people lived in a joint-family system, and they obeyed and respected the eldest person in the house. The elderly made most of the major decisions in the family. Hence, my grandfather decided to name me Soudamini.

What does Soudamini mean?

In my days, when a child is born, an astrologer is brought in and the child’s life reading is done. This astrologer indicated, This girl will have Goddess Saraswathi hallowing around her. She will rise to higher levels of education all throughout her life.

Then, on the 28th day of birth, there is the ear piercing and naming ceremony, which is usually done by the eldest member of the family, such as a grandfather or father or a maternal uncle. During this ceremony, my grandfather named me Soudamini. I asked my grandfather why he picked such an ugly name for me. He told me that it is the most suitable name for me. And then he told me the meaning of my name:

It is the name of the white elephant on which the Goddess of learning rode on. Hinduism has several gods and goddess based on various activities and ways of life. Goddess Saraswathi is the goddess of learning and she rode on a white elephant, symbolizing that she will rule education. I thought my grandfather was making up some cock and bull story to placate me. I started to ask around for further truth. My uncle told me that it means lightning—something very pretty to look at from far but very dangerous when approached closely. Perhaps that may be the reason people hate me when they come to know the ‘real’ me. I will electrocute them with my truth, reality, and uniqueness (which normal people describe as weird). In a way, it is the most suitable name for me. I show no mercy when it comes to injustice, fairness and hypocrisy that I strike people like a lightning and they get burned.

Later on, I did read somewhere that Soudamini is the name of a white elephant on which Goddess Saraswathi traveled. Perhaps my grandfather was not making up a story to appease me, after all. But am I a white elephant? I was never a white elephant to my parents or family. I know that. But Goddess Saraswathi is also the goddess of art, music, and education. So, does this mean that I am the carrier of the godliness of all art and education?

Another version of Hindu scripture indicated that the name Soudamini was yet another name for the Goddess Saraswathi herself. That also sounded more like me. I love all forms of art and I take education very seriously; it has always been my number one priority. So perhaps my grandfather, after all, picked the right name for me!

Anyway, it took many years before I started to like my name. It is not a very common name. So, I have been given this unique name—a unique name for a unique creation of God! How else can I be gratified with it?

When I first started to blog, I used my name as Inim Aduos, which is actually my name spelled backward, with a space in between and the letter ‘A’ and ‘I’ capitalized in order to create confusion and conceal my identity. Someone was curious as to my name Inim Aduos. The questions that came up were, ‘What kind of name is that? From which country are you? What kind of language do you speak?’

My son’s comments about this were, …. The roots Inim and Aduos, could etymologically map to Inimical (unfriendly or hostile, and unsympathetic) and Adulatory (flattering, complimentary, enthusiastic, and appreciative). It could be an oxymoron, mournful optimist."

The anagram for ‘Inimaduos’ is A Sun Idiom …

Well, that was indeed an interesting analysis. If you look at the first word analysis, then I am Inimical or hostile toward unjust behavior or hypocrisy. I am inimical toward some of the old traditions, which belittle or condone people. I am inimical toward people who tell me or tell anyone that we can’t do something because it is not the norm of society. I am unsympathetic to such people or anyone who are unjust or unfair.

The second word, Adulatory, is an adjective of the word Adulate. Adulate means to praise or flatter in a servile manner and servile means ‘submissive, dependent, or menial’. So how could you praise in a menial manner? That itself is another oxymoron, isn’t it? So, does praising in a menial manner means to criticize?

So, putting both words together, it could mean that I am an enemy (inimical) and a sarcastic critique (adulatory, praising in a submissive or menial way—a sarcastic critique) of unjust behavior? Well, that also sounds like me. I like the oxymoron—mournful optimist. I could be a mournful optimist or a cheerful pessimist.

In a few words, I can describe myself as follows:

Dreamer, peace lover, lover of rain, lover of moon, lover of mother nature, lover of all beautiful surroundings and things, lover of independence, lover of art, (writing, drawing, painting, dancing), lover of solitude, love to read, and spiritual (honest, faithful, god-fearing, always promoting fairness and justice, compassionate).

I believe I am created with a unique design. During my creation, I was instilled with some goodness as well as some follies. So, yes, I am a unique person. No, I am not all perfect.

It was decided that I should grow up to a maximum of 4 feet 11 inches, my body chemistry constitute mostly of carbohydrates and fat. I prefer a quiet and calm atmosphere, I enjoy beautiful things, and I do not like conflicts and unjust behavior. To elaborate on these points further, let me start by explaining one characteristic at a time.

When I was a little girl, my uncle used to tell me that if I want to grow tall, I should hang from a bar every morning and try to stretch myself. I did try that diligently for some time. I am still only 4 feet and 11 inches. Now I know that my Designer had no plans of stretching me. Apparently, while He was molding my form, He got interrupted for a few minutes, and had to step away. By the time He came back, the wet mold started to slowly settle down. He thought it is too late to stretch it back. So, He decided to leave it as is.

I consider that my body chemistry is mostly carbohydrates and fat because, if I deprived my body of these, I feel fatigue and I feel depressed. I don’t enjoy meat products. My natural body and mind force me to give it some carbohydrates and fat. I can fight it and give it meat instead, but what I am afraid is that my body may try to reject it and convert it into toxic waste. Actually, once I tried to follow the Atkins diet. My body started complaining by making me feel sick. I noticed I was getting constipated. I noticed that I had low energy and enthusiasm.

I prefer quiet and calm atmosphere. I usually find peace and comfort during that time. But since I was married to a man who has the opposite chemistry, I had tried to make peace with him by going along with whatever made him happy. I was involved in lots of social activities in the first two-third of our marriage. I never enjoyed it. I always felt lonely in the crowd. But since I am a good actress (art), I did not reveal it to the public.

I am often perceived as indecisive. I cannot decide what to do in a situation where if I did what I really wanted to do, I could make the other person unhappy. I really want to avoid conflict and make the other person happy, but this always made me so miserable doing what I don’t like to do. Most of the time I forced myself to do things that I never liked to do, but I did them with a happy face, only to make the other person happy. This triggered another problem: people thought I really enjoyed what I did since they saw me doing them with a happy face. What they did not know was that I was not happy inside. As a matter of fact, I hated some of the things that I was obligated to do. This is why I said, in the beginning, that I am a good ‘actor’; I was blessed with the art of acting.

It was just recently when I realized that something was wrong with me—this is not me; this is some Satan who has managed to swindle me into this thinking. I started frantically to search for my doctor (God). I told my Doctor to help me. Luckily, my Doctor said that it was still not too late. He gave me an antidote—self-realization to be myself. I started to let others know who I really am; I started to stop doing things just to make them happy. Once again, I found the person that is in me and I thought that it was best for me to write down who I really am, the real person that is in me.

The person who I am loves a simple, quiet life. I am a stickler for fairness and justice. At the same time, my mind is always in conflict; indecisive. According to the horoscopes, I am a Libra. The scales symbolize Libra. Everything that I see has two sides, two parts, or two views; to be or not to be is always my question. These two sides must always be equal; must be fair and just. For example, let us take the word truthfulness or honesty. Truthfulness, derived from the word, truth, is quite controversial to me. I am a worshiper of Gandhi who lived his life searching for truth. I came to understand that he never lied. I admire him for this. I even tried to follow his footsteps for a while. But I just could not be truthful in its literal meaning because I do lie a lot. I lie through my teeth sometimes! At the same time, I dislike it. How can one be truthful and be a liar at the same time? I lie in situations where I know the truth would hurt someone—where the truth will not benefit anyone. In all other situations, I am a strong believer of truth. I consider it not fair or just for someone to lie, if that lie is going to hurt another person or merely it is a self-praise or a fake projection of someone’s status. I don’t lie for profit or status. I guess sometimes people consider me as stupid or candid for being so frank or truthful.

I am fickle-minded, another characteristic of Libra. The meaning of this word is indecisive, picky, and changeable. I know what is right from wrong, but I can’t make up my mind what I should select to do at any given moment. I am not too good at thinking on my feet. I don’t have the presences of mind. Sometimes I do certain things on the spot in order to make someone happy. It is later on that I think about it and wish I did not do it. This happens more times in the subject of going on a vacation or purchasing an item. I have a strong eye for beauty. When I see something beautiful or cute, I want to purchase it. After purchasing it, a little person in me (this little person is always so slow) whispers to me that I should not have purchased it. Sometimes I get all excited and want to plan a vacation in some beautiful place or environment. This type of vacation could be costly. In the excitement, I forget the cost. Later on, I would wish I never made that decision because I would then have realized how I could have used that money to help someone else to meet his or her bare necessities of life. Often when I am not ready to accept guest or go somewhere as the guest, I commit myself to it anyway, just to please my husband. Later on, when I am bored, I wished I was myself and frankly told him that I am not interested in going or accepting the guest at that time.

Since I have an eye for beauty, I am also very picky. I want everything to match; once again, I am looking for that harmony. I see harmony not only in our mind; but also, in the environment. A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

I change my plans quite often. This change is derived from my indecisive and picky nature. The only good thing here is that the changeable nature in me makes it easy for me to make changes as needed and the ability to adjust to changes.

All these adjectives such as indecisive, picky, and changeable, originate from my love for harmony. I am a nature lover. I am a peace lover. When the weather is dark and cloudy, when it is wet and rainy, when I see the lush green plethora of foliage of a thick forest, I see harmony in nature. Noise, especially loud noise, bothers me. They are vexatious to my spirit.

The mythology of Libra revolves around the golden scales under the control of Venus Aphrodite. This goddess has a dual personality, noted in her two names. As Aphrodite, she tips the scales toward riot and wild revelry, as a lusty and sensual seductress of both gods and men. As the serene beauty Venus, she tips the balance in the other direction, toward peace and happiness. I think, being born toward the tail end of the Libra sign, I have only one of these personalities; I consider myself more as a Venus rather than an Aphrodite. I do have a dual personality. I do have the love for beauty and have the urge to get away and enjoy the beauty every now and then. At the same time, I have my heart leaping to help the less fortunate, rather than spending money on my own personal pleasure. My mind is constantly involved in this tug-of-war with indecisive bemuse.

For a Libra, cooperation and harmony also goes hand in hand. I have to show diplomacy in bringing out harmony. I have to be sociable and persuasive to come to terms with people with whom I associate or come across in my day-to-day life. I would rather have no friends at all than have even one enemy. I had one best friend and got along well with all other acquaintance. I never had any enemies or people who thought ill about me (at least to my knowledge). On the contrary I had people who respected me and thought very highly about me and who wanted to have my friendship. Of course, these were only a few in numbers. I always kept a distance with mostly everyone. I am very picky and choosy in selecting and keeping my friends. People loosely use the word friend in general. What I am referring to here is that friend in need, who is a friend indeed, and not the mere acquaintance. At this moment, I have only one friend. I do have some acquaintance.

If I really have to pick a friend, I have to get close to them and be sociable with them. In the dictionary, the word sociable means friendly, outgoing, good company, affable, companionable, etc. These are all words that could describe me. I am all these whether I like it or not! What I meant by that is when I am forced to be among people, I am friendly, I try to get involved, and I try to be outgoing; I do not display any low energy or bad vibe. But do I enjoy it? That is the question. Even though company drains my energy, while I am with them, I give it my best; I socialize, I try to keep up the conversation, and I try to communicate. Libras are excellent communicators and need to be appreciated for their ideas. They are charming, social beings who do well at cocktail parties (although I don’t drink alcohol). Once I am in a party, I show my charm and keep up that friendly attitude and pretend that I am having fun, although I may be bored to death. This pretentious nature drains my energy. Often when I come home, I spend some quiet time to relax and contemplate in order to revive my energy.

The word communicate needs to be reviewed closely. Communication is an art. It is not any meaningless talk. When you communicate, the people involved must have a subject to communicate. The listener must be able to grasp some information from it. Sometimes you may think that you have talked to someone about what you have in mind, but the other party may not have understood anything. This means you did not communicate well with the other person. In order to understand, the communication must be done with clarity, meaning, and with respect for each other. Once again communication is not just a gibberish talk. Each party must try to understand and each one must feel they are understood. In this respect I try my best to communicate with people but when I get to a point where there are no open lines, I stop communication. I switch off my mind from anything that I consider is not a proper communication or a waste of my time. I also try to avoid any social gathering that does not allow any open communication. I am a good listener. But often I end up meeting someone who is not a good listener and therefore they bore me to death. I also have a problem with general knowledge since I do not keep up with the news. This prevents me from carrying on a social communication. Most of the time, I have nothing to say. This is another reason I do not like to attend social gatherings; not because I hate people. I would decline a dinner invitation in favor of a good book. I may like to eat alone in a restaurant or at home, without the pitying looks of others. As Susan Cain puts it in her book, Quiet, ‘you’re told that you’re in your head too much; a phrase that’s often deployed against the quiet and cerebral. Of course, there’s another word for such people: thinkers’.

My husband always referred me as a non-sociable person. This is because of the way the word sociable is generally construed. Usually, the word sociable is referred to as loving to be among people, loving to go for parties, socializing, chitchatting, getting involved in small talk, etc. In this respect, he is right; I am not a sociable person. I do not like to waste my time on shallow conversations just to while away the time; creating conversations and talking non-sensible subjects and chatting over nothing is never my choice of spending my time. To me, such an event or activity is a waste of my time. Time is precious. I do love an intelligent and lively conversation, sprinkled with a touch of humor; but it has to be on a subject that I am interested. I don’t care for heated arguments on politics or other trivial subjects. I also have to make sure that the other person is listening to me. He/she must be listening with empathy. I should gain some enlightenment from the conversation. Very seldom we get an opportunity to do this. Most of the time, the conversation involves empty or small talks; talk to fill the time. I consider this a waste of my time.

Another characteristic of a Libra is non-hypocritical. I am non-hypocritical. The word hypocrite means, duplicitous, double-faced and phony. A hypocrite usually says something to achieve respect from others; he/she boasts off their deeds but does not do any such deeds at all. This is someone who tries to show off; but in reality, they have not done what they say they did. Therefore, a hypocrite is a liar—a cheat and a faker. To me, this is an unfair or unjust practice. I don’t like to boast and show off to promote my status.

A Libra is always for fairness and justice, but I do consider myself as a hypocrite, meaning, I am duplicitous or double-faced and phony! This indeed is quite contradictory to what I said before, isn’t it? I used to participate in parties although I am not a party person. I used to visit people and try to sit and chitchat, although I don’t consider that as my pastime. I had fooled many to believe that I enjoyed being in their company. This is because even though I never went for these parties on my own choice, but once I am there, I believed that I should pretend to participate and mingle so as not to be rude to the host or hostess. So, there, I am double-faced and phony. In this respect I am indeed a hypocrite, because I am saying that I do not enjoy these events and yet I am acting like I am really enjoying it. What you need to understand is that I act or have acted this way many times in order to make the other person happy, just to make peace in the family. I will not do it if it was going to hurt someone or belittle someone.

Another word that describes me is judgmental. The dictionary has several synonyms for this word; critical, condemnatory, negative, disapproving, etc. are some of them and these do describe me. The word ‘prejudice’ is derived from pre-judgment. To pre-judge is to form an opinion about someone or something before knowing that person or about the nature of that thing. It could be racial pre-judgment, religious pre-judgment, character pre-judgment, etc. I have done many mistakes by being prejudicial in character. I am very cautious in selecting acquaintance or forming friends because of this nature. I have a fear of getting close to people because I prejudge them. Often, once I get to know them, I feel more comfortable. But it is very hard for me to get any closer to them due to some pre-judgment that I formulated about them, just by their looks. Unless I know their character well, I just disapprove of them. I also use to condemn people who are addicted or narrow-minded. I know several people who are either female or male chauvinist; and I used to condemn them.

As a Libra, I view the world to be fair, balanced, just, and in harmony. Treating someone else, as your inferior is not a fair deal to me. Whether it is a husband-and-wife relationship, landlord and tenant relationship, or employer and employee relationship, in racial difference or in any other area, I expect equal treatment. If I come across anyone who takes advantage or who ill-treats another, I have the habit of condemning him or her. Once I form that opinion, I don’t like to associate with them anymore. I form a negative opinion about them; I disapprove of them even if they do other good deeds. I have come across several husbands who mistreat their wives, employers who abuse the employees or take advantage of the employees, and of course abuses in racial or caste differences. This may be contrary to what I had mentioned about accepting the good in everything and everyone. Therefore, I have tried and am still trying to unlearn this bad habit and accept the good in all. I realize that sometimes I must be misunderstanding the situation and holding grudges against an innocent person because I assumed that that person did something bad.

Astrology says that Libras are cardinal air signs. I was told that people with a heavy emphasis in cardinal signs are self-starters—doers. They initiate and get things moving. They are active, enthusiastic, motivated, and ambitious. Some of these traits are so prevalent in me. I am definitely a self-starter; a doer. I have the enthusiasm, ambition, and motivation to do things. I like to keep myself active. I am always looking for change and new opportunity. But sometimes I have a hard time to keep things moving because I easily get distracted and also, I change my mind easily. This change of mind comes from my indecisive or fickle minded nature. Expressed negatively, I often fail to finish what I start. When I was about nine years old, I had this great enthusiasm to be a doctor. I sacrificed my entire childhood and teenage life for this. When I found out that this was causing a great financial pressure on my mother, I gave up on it. I did not have the guts to ask her to put me through medical school at any cost. Later on, I wished I tried to explain my feelings and encouraged her to send me to medical school; I could have convinced her of the benefit that will be derived after I became a doctor. But unfortunately, I did not have the presence of mind at that time. As I have mentioned earlier, I lack the presence of mind to think on my feet. Maybe it was good that I did not become a doctor because doctors have to think on their feet. May be God knew this ahead of time, since he is my designer!

Ruled by Venus, Libra is cultured, refined, stylish, and has a great love of beauty. That’s me. Each of these words describes me:

I am cultured; I believe in education and I try to educate myself as much as possible. The education that I am talking about is not just book-learning, which is done in order to get that piece of paper to prove that you have done well in school. The education that I am talking about is the wisdom and experience you gain throughout your life by reading, observing, thinking and taking the right action. This experience will refine your behavior and how you interact with society. Many times, people misconstrue education to be that degree (a piece of paper) that you get from some accredited institution. But if you think deeply and ponder on it, you may wonder what benefit such education provides you. Let me tell you what I think about such education:

So, I went to Yale, Howard, and Princeton….

I was the valedictorian; I got a GPA of 4.7399, which is better than the loser over here, who got only 4.7398.

I finally graduated and got a job even before completing the course. Companies were soaring above me to grab and take me to that well-established firm where I presented myself in my Armani gray pin-striped suit.

YES, I made it to the top!

Or did I?

So, what did I learn? What is the quality of my knowledge?

Did I learn to be corrupt enough to squeeze the blood out of the workers, who had to work 8 hours for a minimal wage or $5.75?

Did I learn to own oil companies so as to control the fall of gasoline price, to make sure that the price does not fall below $2.50 so that our workers will have to sacrifice half their wage in buying gasoline to go to work and work for 12 hours at $5.75 / hour?

Or even better—did I learn to take their job entirely away and leave them penniless, by sending those jobs abroad so that I can stuff my wallet even more?

Did I learn to send the worker’s near and dear sons out to war to make $5.75, while I can satisfy my rage and vengeance towards my enemies?

Did I learn that I have all the power to even behave as I please towards anyone, even if it be someone of my daughter’s age?

Did I learn to let a dying man without medicine or treatment just because he makes only $5.75/hour?

Did I learn to take photos and write obscene stories or pay someone else to do so, so that NO ONE rises above me in anyway?

Did I learn to preach One man under God…, …what true marriage means…, ..what is normal…, ...what is acceptable…, etc., while treating men differently for their cast, color, religion, creed, believes, while not being truthful to this noble marriage, while taking no responsibility for my act of discarding a child for whom I am responsible…..?

I consider myself as a person of style and a lover of beauty. The word stylish means fashionable, elegant, smart, tasteful, classy, etc. I can readily use these words to describe me. Anyone with these characteristics is definitely a lover of beauty. I have to add that the word beauty is not restricted to physical beauty only; it goes also to internal beauty or beauty of the mind. I am definitely a lover of physical beauty, but more than that what makes me tick is the beauty of the mind.

Partnerships are extremely important to Libra—they feel most complete when they are in a secure stable relationship. Yes, this is so true about me. Now, let me explain what partnership is according to my point of view. Partners share everything; whether these are partners in business or partners in life. I always believed that a married life is a relationship created by two partners. One does not rule the other. One does not manipulate, abuse, or control the other. One does not own the other. Marriage is not a legal bind where one is the maid of the other; they are made for each other. It is not a master–servant relationship. When you get married, you are partners in life; sharing, giving, respecting and understanding each other. You give each other some space to breathe and the time to be alone for privacy. Yes, there are boundaries in marriage, just like there are boundaries between any other individuals. This boundary projects our individuality. There has to be boundaries to save and protect this individual freedom that one gets within those boundaries and it must also be preserved and treated with respect and faith. You must share but you also must care to understand that everyone needs some time to be alone. Each one must also have the room to grow to their full capacity. Time will change us. You need to understand the need for this change and adjust accordingly. You cannot cling on to the past and be stubborn about it. This must be understood and respected by both partners. These are the characteristics of partnership and this is extremely important to me. Another way to explain this is to know how I am a stickler for justice, fairness, and harmony. Without the above-mentioned characteristics there will not be harmony in any partnership. My married life, unfortunately, was nowhere near what I believed what marriage should be. Ours was an arranged marriage, although my husband did not like to believe that. We never had the chance to date and get to know each other before getting married. I never experienced partnership in our marriage.

Perhaps this is the best time to talk about where arranged marriage originated and what kind of improvements it went through over the years. Initially, we consider it an arranged marriage, when only the parents got involved in the selection of the partners and only, they made the decisions. The marrying couple gets to see each other on the first night of their marriage. The second improvement on this happened when the parents, after making a selection, would ask the couple if they liked each other. At this point, the couple has an option to speak their opinion. Most of the time, only the boy gets to fully speak up. The girl may end up caving in due to pressure from her parents. The third improvement came when they got to see each other for about a few minutes and they have to make a decision right away. Here, they don’t see each other unless the parents first approved of it. The fourth improvement came when the parents first approve and then the couple got a few minutes to see and may be to exchange a few words during that time. They then decide whether to marry or not. In this stage the girl and the boy both have their option to disagree to the marriage if they so choose. In some cases, the girl gets some kind of pressure to say yes, if the girl’s parents thought it was a good match. The fifth improvement is very similar to the fourth, but here there is no pressure for the girl at all—may be just an exchange of opinion. The girl can then decide whether to marry this guy or not. This was how our marriage took place.

I had the option to deny, but I did not do so because I am a Libra; I believe in harmony. I believe in not hurting anyone I love. My mother already went through a rough life after my father’s death and I did not want to add to her agony. I also concluded that at that time, medical school was out of question. What else is there to do for a village girl whose financial status was up in the air. Besides, if I deny to any marriage, the villagers will be suspicious of my having other secret affairs and this would have added to my mother’s anguish. So, I told my mother that I believed she would only wish me well, and therefore, if she thought this was a good alliance, I was ready for it. So, our marriage took place within a week’s time. We saw each other one Sunday.

My husband wanted to talk to me before we got married. He was willing to have some small talk with me. But because of the environment and customs of the way I was brought up, this opportunity came as a surprise for me. I was not quite prepared for it. Therefore, the only question I had for him was, whether he smoked or drank alcohol. My family did not encourage any more time than 10 or 15 minutes for this conversation. This was all new to them! After the approval of all, the wedding date was fixed on Wednesday, three days after we met, and the wedding took place the following Sunday—seven days after we met. The reason for this hurry was mainly because my husband’s vacation time was running out and he had to return to the US. I joined him three months later.

Life is like a box of chocolate. This is all so true with regards to our marriage. I used to envy people who had the opportunity to date and understand their partners before they got married. But I am finding out that it does not matter because even such people do have problems. I always wondered why. My conclusion is that people are not quite honest with each other. They hide their real self until after they get married.

My advice to the future generation is this: Make the best of what you got. If you have the opportunity to date and know each other before you get married, open up and try to understand each other. Share your past, present, and the future—where you come from, where you stand your grounds now, and what your future has in store for you as far as your goals and ambitions or plans are. The past has to be known because that is your foundation; your roots. Without some roots the tree will not survive. The future is important; that is where you correct your past mistakes, if any, and move forward. The future is where you can build upon your past plans. That’s when you can bloom and bear fruits and flourish. You need also to leave room for growth because future always cannot be predicted. Sometimes your plans may change; some adverse season may arise. Your chemistry will change, as you grow older. You have to be prepared for this. The partners have to understand all these to build their life together.

I was the youngest daughter of my parents. I had an older sister whom I