Happy is a Grumpy Road

By Will Stebbings

Ralph has been widowed for five years and feels it is at last time to emerge from his long period of lonely grieving for his beloved Alice. With encouragement from members of his family, he explores the world of online dating for the over sixties - and what a variety of ladies he encounters. Each one brings her own little foible that ensures his quest becomes a frustrating and lengthy process. His lack of success convinces him that to restore his former contentment is a hopeless task but his daughter-in-law will not allow him to surrender.
He is convinced that no one in their right mind wants to spend the rest of their days with a grumpy old man unless they have a desperate flaw, but Ralph isn’t seen by others as grumpy. He just likes a good old moan like most people in their sixties and some of his consorts even sympathise with his complaints about the modern world, especially as his complaints are usually delivered with humour.
Just as he thinks he has found the lady for him, her old flame raises his head and scuppers Ralph’s hopes, but that is not the end of the story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Will Stebbings
• Release date: Jan 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215079508

Will Stebbings

Will Stebbings is rapidly gaining critical acclaim for his insightful novels, encapsulating nostalgia for the sixties and seventies, whilst adding a fair smattering of humour. His first novel 'Off the Mark' received so many plaudits that he felt compelled to write 'Further Off the Mark' which continues the rites of passage for its main character, Mark Barker, who left an all-boys' school with no experience of girls or the adult world in general. 'Completely Off the Mark' is about Mark's further exploits in the early 1970s, while 'Mark's Out of Eleven' takes us back to 1960 and his days at an all boys' Grammar School, when educational institutions were as much about discipline as they were education.'Tess of the Dormobiles' is a comedy thriller and is not part of the Mark Barker quadrilogy, being set firmly in the 21st century and featuring a female lead character.Will's love of soul music features heavily in his work, where he often used sixties and seventies soul records as the chapter titles.All of Will's novels are set predominately in Norfolk, which is where he was born and raised.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Ralph heard the car draw up outside his house and this was shortly followed by the doorbell, but he had no intention of answering it. Whoever it was, it could not be more important than his desire to set aside a few precious moments to remember his wife and the many hours they had spent together on this same garden bench.

When Carrie received no answer at the door, she decided to venture into the back garden. Her father-in-law was renowned for his colourful flower beds which needed his constant attention so there was a good chance of finding him there.

‘Hello Dad,’ she said. ‘It’s only me.’

Had it been anyone other than Carrie, Ralph might have politely told his visitor to leave him in peace, but he had a soft spot for Carrie. ‘Hello Carrie. Are you on your own?’

‘Yes ... just me. Barry’s working today. He’s got a lot on, but he wants you to know that he is thinking about you today.’

‘He remembered then?’

‘Of course he remembered, Dad. It’s April’s birthday as well.’ April was Ralph’s granddaughter.

‘Yes, of course,’ he replied with a sigh. ‘It spoiled the poor girl’s birthday, didn’t it.? Is she having a party?’

‘No, she’s going out with some friends, but she sends her best wishes as well ... so does May.’

‘I always said it’s a good job you didn’t have a boy ... or he’d have been called June.’

Ralph had cracked that joke several times before, but Carrie still smiled. May had been Carrie’s first child. She was born on May Day and someone had called her the May Day baby so May seemed an appropriate name. April followed two years later and she arrived during the month of April and a precedent had been set with names, but it had been a difficult birth so the decision was taken to stop at two children.

‘How are you?’ she asked for something to say. She could have commented on the garden, but Ralph had neglected it a little of late and she suspected the reason for that.

‘You know me, Carrie. I don’t like to complain.’

That was untrue. Ralph’s favourite pastime was complaining. His daughter-in-law and all the other members of the family knew that they mustn’t mention certain subjects, particularly politics unless they were prepared for one of his little rants.

‘I went to see the doctor recently,’ he added. ‘He told me I need to have a pacemaker.’

‘Oh, Dad. I didn’t know that.’

‘Anyway, I got one, but it was waste of time. I couldn’t keep up with him.’ Carrie laughed, but Ralph’s face was unmoved. He didn’t want to ruin his reputation of being a grumpy old man. ‘Are you going to sit with me for a while,’ he said. ‘I was just going to have a few minutes silence in memory of Alice. It was five years ago today, you know.’

‘Yes, I did know,’ she said as she sat beside him and adopted a solemn expression.

The silence seemed to last forever. If this had been at the start of a football match, she thought, the referee would have blown his whistle long ago, but eventually, Ralph let out a sigh and stretched his limbs as though waking from a slumber. ‘It doesn’t feel like five years, does it?’ he said. ‘And yet, I often struggle to picture her. We didn’t have that many photos of each other during the last few years. Old people don’t bother like you young folk with your selfies.’

‘You’re not that old, Dad.’

‘I feel old,’ he said. ‘I don’t have the energy to do my garden like I used to. It’s getting too much for me these days. The house is the same. I don’t need a big house like that. I keep thinking of moving, but I’d have to throw away a lot of Alice’s old stuff if I moved into a smaller place ... and I just can’t do that.’

‘Have you ever thought about marrying again?’ Carrie asked.

‘I’ve only ever wanted one person in my life,’ said Ralph ‘... and that was my Alice. No one is ever going to take her place.’

‘But surely, you get lonely living here all alone?’

‘Of course I do. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think about her, so ‘course I get lonely. She was with me in everything I did. When I needed someone to talk to, she was there. Even now, after five years, I find myself talking to her ... but she’s not there. She was a wonderful wife, a wonderful mother, but most of all, she was my best friend. Marrying someone else would be sacrilegious.’

‘I’m sure Alice would want you to be happy,’ said Carrie.

‘She wasn’t happy in her last few months,’ said Ralph, shaking his head. ‘She was in a lot of pain and discomfort, so I don’t see it as my lot to be happy.’

‘That’s nonsense,’ Carrie said. ‘Of course, she would want you to be happy. Naturally, she would want you to remember her, but I’m sure she would agree that after all this time, it was time for you to move on with your life.’

‘Anyway,’ said Ralph, ‘Who would want me?’

‘Oh, come on, Dad. There must be loads of eligible women who would want you ... especially widows of a similar age – or maybe a divorcee. You’re not the only one who is lonely, you know. And you’ve still got your looks and all your faculties ... and one other very important thing.’

‘And what’s that – bladder control?’ he said with a hint of sarcasm.

‘Well, that helps, of course. No, I was thinking about the fact that you own your own house ... a nice house with a nice garden and in a nice location.’

‘This was my Alice’s house,’ he said. ‘I don’t want some other woman taking it over.’

‘But, Dad, you’ve just said it’s getting too much for you. If you remarried, you’d have someone else to share the workload. And you’d probably get someone to cook for you.’

‘I can look after myself,’ he said gruffly.

‘Okay, what are you going to have for lunch?’ she asked.

‘I’ve got some nice ham and I’m going to make a sandwich – if it’s any of your business.’

Carrie was used to his gruffness and ignored it. ‘And what about your evening meal?’

‘I’ve got a nice piece of chicken which I will cook with a nice white wine sauce.’

‘That sounds nice,’ she said. ‘Can I join you?’

‘There’s only enough for one person,’ he replied.

‘In other words,’ she said, ‘it’s a ready meal from the supermarket.’

‘So what?’ he said.

‘So, it’s full of preservatives, fat, colourings and salt and sugar. It’s hardly a healthy meal, is it?’

‘But it tastes nice,’ he said licking his lips.

‘Shall I make us some coffee?’ Carrie asked after a little sigh.

‘No, I’ll do it. I don’t want you prying into my cupboards to find out what unhealthy foods lurk there. I take it you don’t want any additives in yours – no fatty milk or dangerous sugar?’

‘I’ll just have the milk, please,’ she said with a smile. As he walked towards the house, she called out ‘Can I have a biscuit, as well?’

‘You know they’re bad for you,’ he said with a mischievous grin.

While she was waiting for her coffee and biscuit, Carrie wandered around the garden.

Ralph set about making the drinks. The conversation about re-marrying had him all mixed up. The truth was that he had long considered the matter. In fact, even before Alice died and while she was ill, the subject had arisen. It was Alice who raised it, but he had dismissed the idea out of hand. However, the notion was now replanted and he considered it all over again. He had been very lonely since her death and missed having someone to talk to, particularly in the evenings, but Ralph was a person who liked his routines.

If he allowed someone else into his life, she may disrupt those routines. She might have different ideas about the decor in the house, the layout of the garden, holidays, and even watching television. She might prefer different foods, or even the timings of their meals. There were so many areas which might conflict with his lifestyle. And, then, there was the need to conform in areas of politics and religion. But then, that was what finding a partner in life was about, as well as a little compromise here and there.

Would such a person expect a sex life? He hadn’t indulged since way before Alice died and he hadn’t really missed that aspect of their marriage. After all this time, would he even be able to manage the act? He might have to ask his doctor for some of those little magic blue pills. But it was companionship that he most craved. Perhaps he would reconsider his situation – and Carrie might be willing to help in that area, but he wasn’t going to dive in and ask her. The next step would have to come from her.

He returned to the garden with the tray of refreshments. Carrie joined him at the table on the patio. ‘Are you growing begonias, this year?’ she asked. Ralph always put on a good show of these flowers, lining his lawn with a colourful display.

‘I didn’t like the look of the ones I saw in the Garden Centre,’ he replied. ‘It’s probably too early, but in any case, I’m going to be too busy keeping on top of the lawn. As I said earlier, it’s all getting too much for me.’

‘Which is why you need to get yourself a new wife,’ Carrie said.

He just sighed as though he didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t actually argue. ‘How would I know how to find a wife?’ he said.

‘There are lots of ways,’ said Carrie. ‘A lot of people meet through dating web sites. There used to be a bit of a stigma about finding a partner in this way, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. How did you meet Alice?’

‘We were part of a group of friends from school. There were seven of us and Alice and I just seem to gravitate towards each other. It was either her or Myrtle Bagshot, but who wants to go out with a Myrtle?’

‘Did you keep in touch with Myrtle?’

‘No. When we first got married, we all used to make a bit of an effort, but one couple moved away and after that we lost contact with everyone. There was a school reunion about ten years ago, but I didn’t bother.’ Carrie realised that Ralph wasn’t going to make this easy.

‘So this was like a childhood romance?’ she said.

‘More like a teenage romance,’ he added. ‘I never went out with anyone else; never had eyes for another woman.’

‘What would you look for in a partner?’ she asked.

He thought for a moment and then said ‘A cross between Charlie Dimmock in the garden and Nigella Lawson in the kitchen.’

‘You’re not asking for a lot then,’ she responded. ‘I’ll do a little investigating. A Dating website seems to be the most popular, these days, but I’ve never needed one, so I’ll find out a bit more for you. I remember seeing a page in one of our magazines that allows people to advertise for a mate. You get men looking for women; women looking for men; men looking for men, and so on.’

Ralph shook his head as though disapproving of the whole idea ‘I remember a chap I used to work with years ago who used a Marriage Bureau. I don’t suppose they still exist as such. He paid for a year’s subscription – I don’t remember how much he paid – but he seemed to be meeting a new lady every month. We all made fun of him at work. He wasn’t what you might call a good catch. He was overweight and sweated a lot. It never worked out for him. I don’t know who rejected whom, but he did say that if it had worked out, he had to pay the Bureau some more money if they got married.’

‘Barry and I met through the tennis club, you know,’ Carrie said. ‘Do you belong to any clubs like that?’

No ... I did try the bowls club, but it wasn’t my thing you know. I used to do a bit of ten-pin bowling when I was younger - and I couldn’t adapt to the different action. I kept sending my woods into the gulley at the end.’

‘What about your golf club?’ Carrie asked.

‘I packed that in,’ he replied. ‘My old golfing partner died a few months ago. My subs were due and I just felt that my heart wasn’t in it anymore.’

‘Couldn’t you find another partner?’

‘If I’m honest with myself, I hadn’t been enjoying it for some time. Jed’s death hit me quite hard, as you can imagine. The thing about golf is that unless you enter competitions – which I’m not good enough for – you’re really just playing against the course – or yourself if you like. That’s all very well when you’re improving, but I was just getting worse. I spent half my time in the rough: a quarter trying to get out of bunkers ... and most of the rest, three-putting on the greens. Jed was the impetus to get me out of the house once or twice a week, but he was so much better than me – and ... well, my clubs needed replacing ... and I felt it was time to call it a day.’

‘I was thinking that there might be some lady golfers at your club?’

‘There are, but lady golfers play with lady golfers and men play with men ... and at our club, nether the twain shall meet, as the song goes. Anyway, as I said, I’m no longer a member.’ Carrie sighed. ‘I’m sure you don’t want to live here on your own for the next twenty years or so. I’m going to make it my ambition to get you some female company. I don’t know how at the moment, but I have a friend who has tried one of these dating sites and I’ll find out what’s involved. In the meantime, you can get used to the idea.

Chapter 2

Carrie returned to Ralph’s house that same afternoon. ‘It’s only me,’ she said as she let herself in the back door. ‘I’ve brought that magazine I talked about.’

‘What magazine,’ Ralph said, knowing full well which magazine but wanting to conform to character.

‘The one with adverts for dating.’

‘I’m not interested,’ he said.

‘I’ll just leave it on the worktop,’ she said. ‘If nothing else, you might enjoy reading the magazine. It’s one my mother gets delivered each month. I think it’s aimed at people who like to remember the sixties and seventies. She always passes it on to me when she’s finished with it. I find some of it interesting. I can’t stop. I’ve got to pick up April from her friend’s house.’

Ralph just grunted and waited until she had left before handling her unwanted gift. It was called It’s Time to Talk. ‘Stupid name for a magazine,’ he thought as he browsed through some of the pages. ‘It should be it’s Time to Read.’ There were various articles about forgotten celebrities; television programmes that were popular a few decades earlier; hobbies that might be of interest to people of a certain age and a couple of interesting local walks. On page 97, he found the dating advertisements that Carrie had mentioned, but he put the magazine down for later perusal.

After his meal of chicken in a white wine sauce, he had a quick washing up session. He possessed a dishwasher, but he found it easier to clear up as he went along. In his mind, catering for one person didn’t justify turning on the machine and he had hardly used it in the last five years.

He sat down to watch some television, but after flicking through all the channels, he gave up. When he received his copy of the television listings each week, he would sit down and circle which programmes appealed to him and set up recordings and reminders accordingly, so he already knew not to expect anything till a little later, but the listings were not exhaustive and some channels didn’t appear in his magazine.

He let out a big sigh and went to the kitchen to fetch a beer. He saw Carrie’s magazine where she had left it and decided to read it while he sat down to play some background music.

The publication contained a good variety of articles, some of which he found interesting; others, he dismissed without a thought. He enjoyed the readers’ letters, the quizzes and a motoring article, but was not the least interested in an ancient sixties rock star still performing in his seventies. He skipped over an article on pension rights. He was happy that he had received good advice about his own finances and would see out his days in modest comfort if not luxury, although he still did the football pools.

Eventually, he came upon the page where men were advertising for a partner, and that was closely followed by the converse page for the opposing needs. He ignored all the pre-amble about telephone charges and texting services and looked at the first advertisement. It was from a nurse who professed to feeling lonely and was looking for a loving relationship with a male with a GSOH. He quite liked the sound of that, but there was no mention of her age or location. However, he guessed that a practising nurse would be outside of his age range. He continued to scan the column. There were others that might have interested him, but these, too, were missing details that were important to him. Some did quote their age; some described their appearance in broad terms and some did include a location. Many mentioned the GSOH, but none claimed to be looking for a grumpy old man in his late sixties.

To him, descriptions like curvy or voluptuous probably meant overweight and big-breasted respectively, whereas slim meant too thin. One even described herself as trendy. That put him off right away. If he were to choose one of these ladies to contact, how would he make such a selection? There was a Customer Support number he could call, but he guessed this was intended to persuade him to place his own advertisement and that presented its own problems. How would he describe himself and his needs without frightening away any reasonable person?

Then he looked at the method of making contact with a suitable person. You could either dial a telephone number which would incur a hefty charge based on the length of the call or you could send a text message which would also incur a charge. That was, of course, how this company made money, but he had cold feet. He wouldn’t know how to initiate a conversation in such circumstances.

There was a web site address and he tried this on his tablet, but before he could explore the details of their service, he was asked to register and he was reluctant to do so, so he abandoned this as an option. He turned his attention to the page for men seeking partners. Strangely enough, none of these were describing themselves as curvy or voluptuous. Nor indeed, were they seeking anyone described as such, but many said they were fit. Was that a euphemism for wanting a sexual relationship?

He put down the magazine and considered how he would word his own advertisement were he to do such a thing.

Grumpy old widower in his late sixties looking for a cross between Charlie Dimmock and Nigella Lawson – needs to have a GSOH and her own teeth.

He guessed that all postings were vetted before they were accepted for publication, so asking for a big-breasted woman with firm buttocks would not be allowed, not that that was what he was seeking at his age. In fact, in the current ‘woke’ climate, he was surprised that men could seek women and vice versa. In these days of equality, you should get what they send you, whether that was a man, a woman, a transgender person or whatever. But then, he thought, the company wouldn’t get too many clients, would they?

He looked for the crossword page, but found that someone had already completed it and so he put down the magazine and sought a book to read until he was ready to watch some television.

That night, as he cleaned his teeth before retiring, he looked at his image in the mirror. There were ever increasing signs of ageing – the greying hair; the little red blood vessels covering his nose and cheeks; the thin lines descending from his mouth which hadn’t done much laughing in recent years. This appearance was not going to improve, so perhaps it was time to find another soul mate before it was too late.

A few days later, Carrie telephoned him. ‘Have you looked at that magazine?’ she