The Gentleman: A Dying Breed in America

By Jeffrey A. Wertz

Just a few years ago, you could see men showing chivalrous behavior towards women everywhere you turned. It could be something as simple as helping put on her coat, opening a door or pulling out her chair, but it was considered normal and expected behavior. Men went out of their way to show simple manners and etiquette towards women. Times hav

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ink Start Media
• Release date: Dec 9, 2022
• ISBN: 9781958004548

Jeffrey A. Wertz

Jeffrey Wertz was born in Altoona, Pennsylvania, but since his father was a soldier in the U.S. Army, he spent much of his childhood living on various Army bases across the U.S. and Germany. He graduated from the University of Maryland with a degree in Business while serving with the U.S. Military in Frankfurt, GermanyAfter serving eight years in the Army, Jeff took a job with the Department of Defense, and has spent the rest of his career working oversees, supporting soldiers and their families.The subject of this book is his passion. While living and traveling in different countries, he has spent years observing the actions of men toward women and discussing cultural differences and interactions between couples, with men and women from the U.S and other countries.

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

1: The Gentleman

2: Proper Etiquette

3: Dating Etiquette

4: The Ladies Have Spoken (20s and 30s)

5: The Ladies Have Spoken (40 and Over)

6: Man Up! What Are Their Thoughts?

7: The New Generation (16–19 Years Old)

8: Chivalry in the Workplace (How Far Should It Go?)

9: Cultural Differences

10: Where Do We Go from Here?

Acknowledgments

To my mother, Shirley Edmiston, a heartfelt thanks for making me the man I am today. Your strength over the years has earned the love and respect of all who know you. When most women would have faltered, you grew stronger.

A special thanks to Akemi Murakawa: For her important role in helping me put this book together and making sure it made sense. Without your help, this accomplishment would not have been possible.

I wish to thank the following people, who have contributed directly and indirectly to this book. Thank you, Jennifer, Natalie, Chelle, Dee, Monique, Winnie, Maria, Esther, Elizabeth, Angela, Sheryl, Barbara, Kristie, Michon, Janine, Monica, Edwina, Diane, Nancy, Justin, Don, Matthew, Keith, Paul, Robert, Scott, Tommy, Eric, Jeff, Rich, Susanne, Marc, David, Rani, Louise, Mary, Noel, Hal, Kent, Laurri, Rhonda, Mark, Flora, Bridget, Apailuck, Helyn, Carmen, Janine, Bob, Lisa, Mya, Julie, Ashley, Lydia, NurFatihah, Moet, William, Deven, David, Jonathan, Eddie, Greg, Angie, Norma, Chris, Matt, Kevin, Kate, and Riley.

Last but not least, I would like to thank all of my new friends from the international community, who provided information concerning the countries mentioned in the book. Thank you, Chen Juxian, Bente Solberg, Fatima Gauen, Petra Ochs, Kyong Hui Yu, Nattanicha Yapa, and Nantiya Chaiyuak.

Preface

Chivalry and the art of being a gentleman are disappearing in America, and it is time that we do something about it! I am not a psychologist or a behavioral specialist, nor am I an expert when it comes to relationships. I am an average man, but I consider myself to be a gentleman. A man who simply believes that there is a certain way to treat women, in personal relationships as well as in everyday life. It doesn’t matter if she is my daughter, friend, partner, mother, or even a stranger, I always treat a woman as I believe a gentleman should. It appears that times have changed and showing manners and treating women special is frowned upon and can even get someone in trouble. How sad is that? I believe there is never a wrong time and place for manners and chivalry.

I have noticed the disappearance of basic etiquette and manners over the years and have often considered putting my thoughts on paper. Time went by and I made a few notes but never really sat down and started to write seriously until I had a conversation with my son. I happened to be visiting him for a few days, and we began discussing this issue. Like me, he is aware of and practices proper etiquette. He mentioned that he is the only one among his group of friends that treats his girlfriend this way, and his friends often make fun of him and that he is sometimes uncomfortable with their comments. I told him that even though his friends might joke with him, he can be assured that the girl he is with appreciates his actions and I have no doubt her friends are aware of his actions as well and are envious that their boyfriends do not do the same for them.

Upon returning home from visiting my son, I discussed the issue with friends and coworkers, which led to hours of conversation about the disappearance of the gentlemen, and manners in general, in our society. The individuals I spoke with had a wide range of thoughts regarding chivalrous behavior and why it was disappearing in our society. Interestingly, every person, regardless of sex, age, or background agreed that manners and etiquette directed toward women were things of the past; women were now much more independent and no longer wanted or expected to be treated in that manner. Everyone offered reasons as to why men no longer showed the same manners they offered women just a few years ago, but I didn’t agree with any of their attempts to justify the decline of basic manners.

It was at this time that I decided to sit down and put my thoughts on paper, regarding this negative change to our society. A few days later, I was sitting in a restaurant, writing down some thoughts. A young woman sitting next to me asked what I was writing, and I told her about my discussion with my son and friends and that I was thinking about writing an article regarding the change in how men treat women today compared to a few years ago. Her mother, who was sitting next to her, heard my comments and walked around, sat on the other side of me, shook my hand, and said, Thank you, It is about time someone wrote about this issue, because it is so true. The three of us then engaged in a two-hour conversation on the subject. It was quite interesting to hear the different points of view of the 21-year-old college student and her 50-year-old mother. It was at this point that I decided that a single article would not be enough and that I would attempt to write a book in order to more thoroughly cover this negative trend in our society.

While doing research for this book, I spoke to approximately 150 men and women from different parts of the United States, as well as a number of men and women from other countries. They all provided valuable insights into how men treat women in America and other countries around the world. As you will read in this book, I not only discuss my view on the disappearance of gentlemanly behavior, but also provide some basic manners that men of all ages should know and practice. In this book, I provide the views of many men and women, of different ages and locations in the United States and even have a chapter with input from women living in other countries, explaining how men treat women in their countries in comparison to the United States. Last of all, I talk about the way ahead and what needs to be done to reverse the current trend. The message is strong and requires actions from everyone in order to reverse the trend. I hope readers, both men and women, get something from this book that results in better treatment and higher expectations when it comes to the way men treat women.

After writing my first book, I had a number of women voice their opinion concerning the ladies’ role in this phenomenon, so I asked a woman I know, Noel, who made some very strong points and provided good information regarding this topic so they could be added to this book. Below are her thoughts which have since been supported by a number of women I have spoken with:

In the past, the concept of a gentlewomen generally referred to a lady who was wealthy, attended expensive private schools, and eventually married well. These women were known to be well-mannered with a sense of propriety. This was considered favorable and those who lacked in these qualities were seen as second class. These second-class women were not expected to have proper manners and the class of a true lady. It was still the expectation that a man should always treat any lady with politeness and manners, regardless of their upbringing or class. However, in our current society, women who think or expect to be treated as a lady are viewed as old-fashioned, weak, fragile, and incapable of any level of self-sufficiency. Hoping to avoid this stereotype and appearing weak and dependent, many women have now begun to spurn the chivalrous acts of a gentleman. Women have become more educated, increased their numbers in the workforce, and engaged in more physically demanding jobs and sports for a sense of personal accomplishment and independence. In many cases, the goal was to prove that while differences between the genders exist, women are neither inherently fragile nor automatically requiring help from a man on many occasions. This ultimately resulted in a decline of what was considered proper manners. It became the belief that you could not be tough and hardworking and expect to be treated as a lady at the same time; you had to be one or the other.

This could partially explain the current behavioral dynamics seen in our society. That being said, men are still attempting and even expected to occasionally perform the role of a gentleman, holding doors, paying for dinner, offering jackets, and so on. Women of course can still be well-mannered, polite, and courteous, and many are, in principle. Therefore, we now have a conflict regarding expectations between men and women. Many men want to continue with chivalry but take the chance of being ridiculed or even worse. The expectation of women, nowadays, is to spurn the gesture or reject gentlemanly offers as a means to prove they don’t need help. This results in a reluctance for men to show chivalrous behavior toward women, resulting in a decline of what we consider gentlemen. This puts men in a compromising situation because there is still an expectation among many women that they should be treated as a lady. Therefore, the problem for men is knowing the right time and place to be chivalrous toward a woman, and how does he know if that particular woman prefers that kind of treatment?

The fact is, the modern-day woman is capable and intelligent. Therefore, when a man offers to be helpful or kind in some manner, it’s usually because he knows it to be the right and respectable thing to do and most likely, the way that he was raised, not because he believes the person he’s helping is weak, incompetent, or incapable. Therefore, because women are more equally viewed among men in terms of general competence and ability, there is no reason for a woman to spurn a polite gesture and not be held to similar standard of politeness and respectable behavior. To summarize, good manners, kindness, and respectable behavior should not be associated to traits like strength and intelligence.

In regard to dating, particularly first dates, if a man offers his coat, opens a door, or holds out a chair for you, accept it and express appreciation for the gesture. The man is not implying that you cannot do these things yourself, he is simply doing his best to make a good impression, and there is nothing wrong with you showing your appreciation for his efforts.

1

The Gentleman

Gentleman: A civilized, educated, and well-mannered man.

Being a gentleman is not all about opening doors, pulling out chairs, and treating women with dignity and respect; it is far more than that. You can almost say that being a gentleman is a way of life. It can include the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you carry yourself, and of course, the way you treat others, both men and women. It is not necessarily as much about etiquette as it is about treating others with dignity and respect. Age, social status, appearance, etc., should not make a difference in how a gentleman treats another person. He will always act in a respectful manner. Showing proper etiquette in the presence of women is only one part of being a gentleman and what I concentrate on in this book.

Where have all the gentlemen in America gone? Why is it so difficult to find anyone under the age of 50 who treats a woman with proper manners? Why is proper etiquette, when it comes to interacting with a woman or even behavior in general, now the exception and not the rule? I hear so many excuses from men about why they don’t treat women like ladies anymore, and as far as I am concerned, they are just excuses to be lazy, not to put forth a real effort to show a woman that they care or are interested in getting to know them, or just showing common decency.

For instance, I am sure almost everyone has heard at least one man say that women don’t want to be treated special, that they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and prefer to be treated as a man’s equal. By the time you finish reading this book, you will see that logic is simply not true. The first thing I ask a man who makes those comments is, Has a woman ever prevented you from opening a door for her or pulling out her chair? The answer is almost always no. I have worked with and around women for many years; I have dated, been in serious relationships, and I have been married, and in all cases, both at work and personal situations, I treated the woman with what I consider to be proper etiquette and respect. I can only recall a single incident in almost forty-five years, when a woman rebuked me for attempting to perform common courtesies, such as opening the car door for her or helping her with her coat. Granted, there are some things that you might perform specifically for a date (which I will address later), but a gentleman shows these small gestures to all women. I am not saying there are not any women out there who would not say no to a chivalrous gesture, for one reason or another, but I am saying that they are very few and far between.

During the interviews I conducted while writing this book, many women said that they expect a man to be a gentleman and treat them as a lady. The rest of the women said that although it is not necessary, it is certainly appreciated, and it goes a long way in their decision to go out with the man on a second date. Most women also stated that acting like a gentleman created a very positive first impression. Not a single women said that they absolutely did not want a man to treat them special or show chivalrous manners. I had to laugh when some of the younger men I interviewed referred to the feminist movement, stating that women wanting to be treated as equals. I laughed because the truth is, in most cases, the younger generation of men have no idea what the feminist movement was/is all about and just repeated what they heard from someone else. For them, it is simply an excuse for being too lazy or simply not caring enough to put forth some extra effort to show proper manners and etiquette toward women. These young men equate the feminist movement to treating women as equals in social situations, rather than taking time to learn the real issues of the feminist movement, which were much deeper: equal pay for equal work, sexual harassment, sexual violence, reproductive rights, etc. During my research, I looked for pictures and footage of protests concerning women’s rights and equality, and although there were many articles and pictures to be found, I could not find a single sign that said, Don’t be a gentleman, Don’t pull out my chair, or Don’t open my door.

Women certainly want equality in many important areas, but the right not to be treated like a lady is not one of them. The point is, don’t assume that a woman you are with does not want you to open a door for her or help her with her chair. Make the attempt, and if she does not want your help, she will let you know. I think it is a very safe bet that you will not be turned down very often, if ever. You cannot go wrong by attempting to exercise proper etiquette and showing good manners when in the presence of a woman. The worst thing that could happen is she says no, but even then, she has made a mental note that you were willing to be considerate and thoughtful. By not even making the offer, you may never have another opportunity to take that particular woman out again because you did not meet her expectations; or, in the event of a business setting, you could lose a chance at a good business opportunity because of the impression that you left her with. Treating a woman with kindness and respect is one time that being an overachiever can only help you. Perceptions and first impressions go a long way, both personally and professionally. If you don’t know how to conduct yourself in certain situations or just refuse to conduct yourself according to the situation, then you can only blame yourself for any negative ramifications for your actions or inactions.

Another excuse that I heard fairly often from members of the younger generation is that it is embarrassing to perform certain basic polite gestures for their girlfriends, female friends, and even female business associates because none of their friends or other men their age are doing it. This is just another poor excuse