Living In the Shadow of Myself

By Sandra E. Ladson

The author uses the story of the biblical character Gideon combined with the imagery of shadows to take the reader on a journey from a place of low self-esteem and doubt to discovering destiny and purpose. She draws comparisons to Gideon from her own life experiences and leads the reader on a pathway to a clearer vision of self-awareness and discovery that comes from stepping into the light of God's purpose for our lives. Her personal narrative provides insight on how our view of self may be as distorted and fleeting as shadows on the ground and do not reflect the true object that casts the shadow. Then she leads the reader through a personal and spiritual journey that led her to a healthier view of herself and her purpose. The author stresses that life is a journey in which each one has the power to determine how the journey goes. The writer provides some practical steps that any person can apply to their lives to aid in their own self-discovery journey, encouraging every reader to bravely step out of the shadows into the marvelous light.
In addition to this basic premise of the book, the author introduces both the physical and metaphorical meaning of shadows and how these can be applied to understanding the distorted views we have of ourselves. Just as shadows are distorted outlines of the objects they represent, our personal shadows often come from what the writer describes as defining moments in our lives that created a thought pattern that extends beyond that moment in time. She explores various types of defining moments that are interpreted uniquely in the individual's mind. The author also explores the matter that shadows come from and how everyone is created on purpose and with a destiny that will cast light into the world.
The author uses a journey perspective to describe her defining moments and how they had negative and positive impacts on her life. Walking you from the dawn to the midnight moments of her life, she expresses the moment she stepped into the daylight of learning her purpose and destiny. She aptly identifies certain qualities that she has which equip her to accomplish her purposes in life, then takes the reader on the steps she sees as beneficial for the reader to make their own journey out of the shadows into the light.
It is not the author's intention to provide rules or guidelines for every person to follow, but to simply allow biblical texts, her perspective and personal reflection open the door for the reader to consider a path forward when confronting their own questions about purpose, self-image and/or fear issues. Although she writes from a Christian backdrop, she is hopeful that any person may be able to glean from her experiences and encounter their personal destiny and purpose by taking the journey she is sharing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667872230

Book preview

BK90072087.jpg

LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF MYSELF

Copyright © 2022 Sandra E. Ladson. All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-1-66787-222-3 (Print)

ISBN 978-1-66787-223-0 (eBook)

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted

in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other

electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of

the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews

and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

I dedicate this book first to God as a first fruit

of what He has given to me.

I also dedicate this book to my loving husband, who has

always encouraged me to be myself because no one else can

be me like me; to my children, who have survived and

thrived despite any shortcomings I exhibited in their most formative years; and to all who, for one reason or another,

find themselves living in the shadows of life.

Contents

Preface

Introduction

PART I SHADOWS

Chapter ONE – The Journey Begins

Chapter TWO – Shadows

Chapter THREE – My Shadows

PART II CREATED BEING

Chapter FOUR – The Substance of the Created

Chapter FIVE – My Defining Moments

Chapter SIX – Self Discovery

PART III THE JOURNEY FROM SHADOW TO LIGHT

Chapter SEVEN – Preparing for the Journey

Chapter EIGHT – Enjoy the Journey

Endnotes

Bibliography

Preface

I am a Christian. Before you can go any further, you need to understand that I am a child of God, saved by the grace of Jesus Christ and filled with the Holy Spirit. To a non-Christian, this may be a total turnoff. I know; I once was in those shoes. I appeal to the non-Christian reader to continue to read this body of work because I also believe that who we were before we come into salvation is as critical and important as who we are as Christians. Perhaps God is using this work to draw you closer to Him. Be open to the possibility. Being a Christian does not dissolve our past, but our past is often the very medium God uses to lead others to Jesus. I consider my entire life a journey that will ultimately bring me to an eternal life and home with God.

I am not a certified counselor or psychiatrist. In other words, I do not hold any degree that qualifies me in the areas of counseling and mental health. Although this work discusses things that often arise from counseling or therapy, I am making no attempt to provide advice, counsel, or therapy. I am approaching issues of the heart, mind, and soul that may impact your own personal issues of mental and emotional health, but I’m doing so from a biblical standpoint and by drawing from my own personal growth journey. If, in the midst of reading this, you discover or are enlightened about aspects of yourself that require counseling and/or therapy, I wholeheartedly advise you to seek the help of a professional person to work through those things.

With these two disclaimers stated, my intent is to neither convert nor diagnose you, the reader. My intent is simply to share a journey that I have been on in a manner that I believe will reach into the heart of someone else, and I hope that through my so doing, they may be encouraged to embark on their own journey from the shadows of themselves to the light of their destiny and purpose. This is a first fruit work that I believe is directed by the hand of God, and my greatest hope is that you, as the reader, may be blessed in what I share with you in this work.

Introduction

"I will praise thee for I am fearfully

and wonderfully made."

Ps. 139:14a (KJV)

Who am I? I have asked this question on more than one occasion in my life. It has not even been as direct or simple as Who am I? the question has been raised in some other form about the purpose of living. I have had moments in life when I was confronted and challenged by circumstances that caused me to pause and evaluate the roles I play, the things I do, and the value of my life. It is usually in a crisis, internal or external, that I discover the true condition of my identity. It is in these moments that I may discover that all that I thought I was and am is just a shadow, a vague image of who I really am. Out of this, a hunger develops to look for the true meaning of life, the reason for living, and a journey that will lead me to my purpose and destiny.

If you would ask me who I am, my typical response would be my name, and as the conversation would develop, you would learn that I am a wife, a mother, and a grandmother. I am retired from a full-time secular job, but I am also a pastor. I am the third of four children and the only girl in my family. I have a host of nephews and nieces and a few really good friends. These are all roles I have in my life. They are integral to who I am but do not comprise the total of who I am. In fact, my roles are fairly common. Dig a little deeper, and you may discover that I am of above average intelligence, creative, loving, quiet for the most part, a reader, and a bit of a nerd. I enjoy a variety of music genres, love to grow flowers, have pets, and watch some television but can go for hours without it ever being turned on. I enjoy a good laugh, work hard, value time with my family and friends, and have compassion for people and a passion to see them become their best. These are some of the activities I am engaged in, but they alone do not comprise who I am.

There are less than favorable aspects to my life as well. I have battled with poor self-esteem most of my life. My family of origin history has had both strongly positive and negative influences on my life, and many times the negative things have guided my thinking more than the positive things did. I have lost loved ones, which deeply impacted me. I am a late bloomer. I am in a constant battle with my weight. I am complex, analytical, a bit of a perfectionist, and can be set in my ways. I tend to be a loner; however, when I commit to a relationship, it is an intense commitment even if it is only for a season. These are experiences and perceived personality traits that describe my mental construct and character, but they do not define who I am.

My point here is that my roles, activities, experiences, or character traits are not mutually exclusive of who I am, but they are collectively part of my whole identity. I further believe, like David, that God created me on purpose with full knowledge of all these things plus the experiences I would have with a divine destiny to accomplish His will and give Him praise. This is what the opening text is about in Psalm 139. David outlined the omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence of God in the formation of his life before conception and concluded that he was fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe this is true for all people. Life often overshadows our ability to see this in our selves. Much of what I describe about myself also overshadows my view of this fact. Through prayer, meditation, self-examination, and exploration, I can step out of the shadows and uncover the true person God created me to be.

Most of us do not intentionally decide to live in shadows or to lose sight of who God created us to be. I find that it is usually a combination of things like hurtful words, circumstances, setbacks, disappointments, tragedies, and what I call defining moments that may cause us to recede into the shadows but also cause us to move from the shadows into light. I am an ordinary person. I am not belittling myself or others, but I am acknowledging that I am not a household name, widely known beyond my community or circle of influence. Granted, I sense that God has called upon me to do some (to me) extraordinary things, but I think we all are called upon to do this at least once or twice in a lifetime. I have observed ordinary people give extraordinary care to dying loved ones, endure hardships upon hardships but never give up, turn their suffering over murdered loved ones into a cause of action, overcome barriers of all sorts, lose everything, and still have a joke or a smile to give … the list goes on and on. Even as you read this, you know someone like this, or you yourself are such an extraordinary person. You may be the first to graduate from college in your family or have battled cancer and won. Or maybe you were once a victim but now are an advocate for others, were flipping burgers but now own the restaurant, were once unemployed but now are in management, were once looked down upon and now are looked up to, were once fearful and now are courageous, were doubtful of yourself and now are confident, or were once depressed but now have joy. Somehow you moved from a place that seemed dark and full of shadows to a place of light and openness. You overcame, broke through, stepped out, stepped up, arose from seemingly nothing, and although you feel quite ordinary, you are truly extraordinary. At some point you broke free from what others expected of you to become to who God intended you to be, and if not, you recognize that you want to be and you are desperately hungry to get to where God wants you to be. If you have not come to this place yet, give it time; you will. Defining moments occur in our lives that cast us into the shadows or bring us into the light. This is a story of such a journey in my life.

Threshing Wheat in the Winepress

As I continually move from the shadows to the light, I often keep before me the biblical story of Gideon found in Judges 6–8. To summarize, Gideon and the people of Israel were hiding in the caves around and about in the territory of Issachar, hiding out from their enemy, the Midianites. While Gideon was threshing wheat on a winepress floor, an angel of the Lord showed up and called Gideon a valiant warrior. Gideon was stunned by the angel’s words because in his own mind, he was the least of the least in his own family. In other words, Gideon had allowed his situation and his own negative self-talk to cloud his vision of what God saw in him. Gideon was living in the shadows of fear and doubt to the point that when God first called him a valiant warrior, he called himself the least of the least. Has that ever happened in your life? Has someone ever called you out to be something that you could not even see in yourself? Perhaps it was something so large or so admirable that it seemed