Isolated Thoughts from the Mind of a Convict

By Maurice Marbury

“Isolated Thoughts From The Mind Of A Convict” is an inside and first hand look at how and why some of us prisoners think, feel, act, and react(ed) the way(s) we do and or did before, while in, and after prison. We think just like you out there in society(s). However, some of us (not all) have our thinking processes manipulated by both external and internal forces, and as well as synthetic products (drugs, alcohol, etc.). War, rape, abuse, (mental, emotional, spiritual etc.) also play factoring roles. Another factor is our uncontrolled, unchecked, and or unlearned “selves.” Trying to use anger for every situation, believing things like “Big boys don’t cry.” Not understanding Love, and or the many emotions within self. The media, and Filmmakers have all projected the atrocities of prison life, but have failed to capture the intimacies of us “Ex Felons and “Ex Convicts” whose minds have not been encapsulated by the "systematic mental manipulation" of “Thug Life,” the streets nor prison institutionalization.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Sep 18, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665569842

Maurice Marbury

I was born the youngest of five on February 21st, 1971 on Kinsman Avenue in one of the roughest projects in Ohio called, Garden Valley. My conception is still a mystery to me 32 years later due to a mother and siblings that won’t talk about my deceased father. My siblings are only halves, and to me, I was very much treated as such by all of them, including my mother. Garden Valley was, and still is full of murder and mayhem to this date. To certain degrees, death was learned at an early age in Garden Valley by way of seeing it all of the time, and due to my religious upbringing. So, already knowing what it was. I wished for it in my first personal experience at the age of three (3), through fear, tears, and physical (not sexual) pain. I slowly began to change from the little boy seeking Love, to one adapting to his environment by force. After my grandmother died, my family moved into her house on 105th and St. Clair. I really didn’t know her either. Things didn’t change much. They just became covert. The pimps, and the pushers were just slicker, and had more “polish” in the ways they did things in this area. Because to Love properly was not taught in my house, I really only knew how to speak out with anger and aggression. Along with continuous adaptation to my environment for survival, I committed my first crime at the age of nine (9), making the front page of one of the biggest newspapers in the city of Cleveland at the time. As years passed, my search for Love turned into resentment to life and bitterness as my criminal activities began to accelerate. I began to smoke weed and drink beer at the age of twelve (12). I broke into houses, stole cars, shoplifted, robbed stores, and even protected smaller guys for money. All the while, being bullied by older guys who I would later in life make fear me in one way or another. By age fifteen (15), I had been to detention homes a few times and to several group homes, gaining the reputation for being “crazy” . I came home my last time at the age of seventeen (17), and began to sell cocaine in its various forms. I had locks on some of the biggest drug blocks in Ohio at that time. Those blocks, and bad association also helped break me down to a user of my own supply (and other’s supply) that took me through a few near death experiences by way of drive byes, turf wars, and even contemplations of suicide. Instead of sending me to a rehab center, the “Honorable Courts'' sent me to the Ohio State Reformatory for an ounce a day crack habit, and I was only 18 years old at the time. I actually caught the case at 17 years old, but the judicial corruption waited until I turned 18 and charged me as an adult. The “Old Mansfield” was nicknamed “Castle Grey skull,” and properly dubbed by the actions within. My first day in the prison, a guy three times my physical size chose me by word of mouth to be his “boy” (fag). I used to hear grown men scream and cry at night, and silently prayed to God for them to stop, but knew that they wouldn’t because I knew what was happening to them. Back then, the “Three F's rule” still applied. You know what the first one is. The second one is to “f”ight, and the third is to hit the “f”ence. I don’t have any escapes and I’m still a virgin! However, because of making it through so easily and bitterly, I allowed myself to be “systematically mentally manipulated” to believe that, “The joint ain’t nothing. I can handle it”! I just didn’t understand the repercussions behind making it so easy for me to come “Right back;” Leaving the things that mean the most. At least, not until later. I was on the block “servin” (selling dope) the first day I came home. I had to “get mine.” My next sentence and all! I stayed on the streets for ten months and was back in prison for more drug related offenses. Only this time, I had a six month old son, and my girl at the time was pregnant with my daughter. I left them to fend for themselves. While doing those two years. I did a lot of studying. But! My main texts were, Iceberg Slim, Donald Ghoens, every book about the Mafia, and listening to "O.G's" of their field that were still trying to live off of their past glory. Not really learning anything from their mistakes or my previous sentences. I still held animosity in my heart towards those that I felt owed me something and or who had disrespected me while I was down. I began to apply what I learned in those books, and from real life street legends my second day home, while looking for a legit job as a front, and because I was really tiring of the hectic “Life.” The habit of “The life” won out! Five months later, I was looking at more than 165 years as a minimum sentence. The tail wouldn’t have mattered. I wouldn’t have lived long enough to see the parole board on the first part of the sentence. Through the course of this sentence, I sold drugs, had knives pulled on me, was a bodyguard, have been assaulted by both inmates, and staff, have done about 31/2 years in the hole off, and on (2 straight), and have had a host of other inhumane things done to me (nothing sexual). Not by way of being scared or broken, but by way of being tired, “Post Traumatic Growth and Development” I now sit rehabilitated by choice, and very much God fearing! Through the course of my life, I’ve had many relationships. Both, good, and bad. I have studied a multitude of things, have been on many spiritual journeys, and have even been in a couple of mental institutions. All of these situations by way of God allowing me to learn from my mistakes has helped to groom me into the “Man” I am today. Some who feel that they know me will say that my life didn’t seem all that bad to them. However, please be advised that ten people can walk down the exact same street and smell the exact same rose, but relate ten totally different experiences. So this is my life, through my eyes, and the lessons that I have learned. I hope that you have enjoyed what you have experienced, from my life!

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Contents

Preface

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Introduction

Isolation and Solitude

Chapter One

Formation, Adaptation, and Addiction

The Gasoline To Our Actions

The Male Ego

Chapter Two

A Cycle We Must Break

Fiction Becomes Reality

Nobody Heard Me Crying

People Aren’t

The System that Betrays You

I Sit Alone

My Son

Daddy’s Little Girl

Indirectly

Tears of A Reminiscent Future

For Granted

Chapter Three

Acceptance and Transformation

Time and Immortality

Just Understand Me

Will

Me- vs -Me

Humbleness and Humility

Make The Right Choices

Envy and Jealousy

Inexcusable

Spirituality

Outcast

The Rivers of My Soul

Chapter Four

Opinions and Perceptions

Death

Let’s Chill

Communication

Man and Womanhood

Intimacy

Re-Algimation

The Pain of My Overstanding

Chapter Five

Intimate Loneliness

The Relationship and The Rose

Your Presence Lingers

The Reflection of The Image

Blackness

The Things You Do

Anatomically Correct

I Covet Thee

A Short Letter

Alone

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Chapter Six

Understanding Love and The Trials and Tribulations of Relationships

How Do I Love Thee?

The Secrecy of Our Relationships

Understood Love Means Action

Just Sex

Betrayal

Loves Do’s and Don’ts

Chapter Seven

The Real Myth and The Contradiction.

Attentive

Don’t Settle for Less

My Attraction

She’d Rather have What Makes Her Cry

Letting Go

Chapter Eight

The Importance of The Family Unit

Husband

Wife

Child

Family

Chapter Nine

Rarities

Friends

Chapter Ten

What Do You Think Now?

Stereo Types and Placed Perception

Epilogue

Success

Truth of: The System That Betrays You. Open your eye...

Something About The Author

Preface

As the stereotypical Three time Loser I have been labeled by those who have neither lived my life nor the lives of many in my current place of residence I feel compelled to display these memoirs, and or Isolated Thoughts From The Mind Of A Convict to enlighten the minds of those who continuously allow others (radio, TV, News Journals, the media. etc.) to govern their minds towards prisoners. We are not all rapists, pedophiles, cold blood killers or sociopaths as most believe we are through Placed perception. If you will agree to the psychological fact that two different people can walk down the same exact street, and see the same exact incident, but relate two different versions of what took place, you should also face the truth that different people may and will handle the same exact traumatic experiences differently. Therefore, causing the unbiased one who can think to recant the typical ignorant statement "You had a choice rather to do what you did or not.’’

Most look at the effect (you’re wrong) of a situation, but rarely ever question the cause (Why did you do it?). We also often prejudge a situation by how "we would handle it. Did the person just set the house on fire (hypothetical) or, will I" assume a cause and effect by what I think without fully understanding the matter? Two people are molested as a child (hypothetical in this situation, but very sad and prevalent today in reality). One goes on to be a Doctor and becomes very successful in life. The other becomes a predator for that in which he or she was once prey.

Two boys are taught the fallacies of Big boys don’t cry. As the years pass, one becomes in tune with his emotions grasping on to the masculinity expected in most men. The other becomes abusive due to his stunted emotional growth. Is one instance right, and the other wrong as most of us see things today? Most of us only see matters as this is how I would/would have handled that or just look at the end of situations, but rarely ever discuss the means which may have coerced an individual to do what they did. I by no means make these statements for the purpose of overlooking the seriousness of the crimes and or infringements done to anyone, by any one! However, I do ask if You think punishment alone is enough to set the aforementioned individuals who committed some of the atrocities they have into a correct(ions) mode of thinking? Example: A once molested boy’s thinking becomes distorted because of what has happened or is happening to him. He grows into the man he was taught to be as a boy. He becomes a pedophile! For his crime(s), he is sent to a place Societies call correction, where he will be faced with the same exact, and worse traumas than the ones that caused his distorted thinking and crimes!

Upon release. Do You think he will be either a productive or further hindrance to the Society he is released into? I continuously use the analogy of a raped or molested male because I want "You", The Reader, to see things as seriously as I do because what you may consider to be small may be as traumatic as rape to another. The analogy of a male is also used in this context to emphasize the effect of how someone else may handle a situation of this magnitude. Now if you know any female who has experienced this despicable violation. Think of how that experience has affected her. Now how much more so do you think a male or boy will deal with such a situation that is as taboo and degrading as it is to happen to a woman, but has happened to a male? Some people survive the effects of trauma, but others are hindered by it in doing just the everyday task in life. That anthill may really be a mountain to someone else, and who are You to say it’s not? Did we do anything to directly or indirectly create, establish or help continue this cycle in another? What can "I ‘’ do to help break this cycle is the reason why I compiled these questions, statements, abstract poetries, philosophies, and proverbial sayings into somewhat of an antibody. We must first know what a disease is and how it is contracted. Then, a good Doctor formulates and prescribes treatment with an aim to cure, to remedy the ailment to the best of his ability.

Isolated Thoughts From The Mind Of A Convict is an inside and first hand look at how and why some of us prisoners think, feel, act, and react(ed) the way(s) we do and or did before, while in, and after prison. We think just like you out there in society(s). However, some of us (not all) have our thinking processes manipulated by both external and internal forces, and as well as synthetic products (drugs, alcohol, etc.). War, rape, abuse, (mental, emotional, spiritual etc.) also play factoring roles. Another factor is our uncontrolled, unchecked, and or unlearned selves. Trying to use anger for every situation, believing things like Big boys don’t cry. Not understanding Love, and or the many emotions within self. The media, and Filmmakers have all projected the atrocities of prison life, but have failed to capture the intimacies of us Ex Felons and Ex Convicts" whose minds have not been encapsulated by the "systematic mental manipulation" of Thug Life, the streets nor prison institutionalization.

You are not exposed to the "Ex-convicts’’who have recognized their error(s), and despite there being NO rehabilitation in any